Fall out of love?

[TinaMarie]

Has anybody here been married and then just seem to fall out of love? Did you recapture the magic or get divorced?

 

[FreshTressa]

Sending PM

 

[denisem]

The term "magic" bothers me. No lengthy relationship can sustain the "rush" of the early courting period/infatuation. Chasing that rush is never-ending; real love goes deeper than that.

Don't get me wrong: if one has inherent values being compromised by a marriage, get a divorce and move along.

 

[chell]

 

[clarabelle]

The term "magic" bothers me. No lengthy relationship can sustain the "rush" of the early courting period/infatuation. Chasing that rush is never-ending; real love goes deeper than that.

Don't get me wrong: if one has inherent values being compromised by a marriage, get a divorce and move along.

I agree with this 100%. If it is just a matter of no more "magic" I think that maybe expectations could be adjusted and communication worked on.
I sometimes think that people get divorced looking for something that doesn't exist.

 

[bicker]

I agree with Denise as well. I believe many cases of "falling out of love" are really cases of folks deliberately (though perhaps unconsciously) deciding to pursue something else, rather than doing the hard work necessary to foster what they already have.

 

[GoofieRuthie]

So glad that you asked........

 

[minkydog]

Yes. In a long term relationship it is very natural for feelings to ebb and flow. Just because it doesn't feel like "magic" doesn't mean the commitment is gone. It doesn't mean that feelings of love can't be resurrected. But both parties have to be willing to work toward the same goal of making each other a priority again. If one party decides to try the grass on the other side of the fence, well...that's not helpful. It takes a strong commitment to each other to not stray when the feelings are low, because temptation is high--very high. But know that like a wave to the shore, eventually the feelings will return and be strong again if the commitment remains strong.

We've been married almost 25yrs and recently I had this very conversation with my DS19. He was shocked. He has never seen us fight, so he had no idea that we had ever had trouble.It's true-- long months of dead feelings, living seperate lives under the same roof. But in spite of the lack of feelings we stayed together for each other. There have been no regrets and now our marriage is stronger than it was before.

 

[pixiemomma]

The term "magic" bothers me. No lengthy relationship can sustain the "rush" of the early courting period/infatuation. Chasing that rush is never-ending; real love goes deeper than that.

Don't get me wrong: if one has inherent values being compromised by a marriage, get a divorce and move along.

I agree with this also. I think alot of marriages end in divorce because people expect 50 years of non-stop passion.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Has anybody here been married and then just seem to fall out of love? Did you recapture the magic or get divorced?

People fall in and out of love all of the time. Just because you fall out of love does not mean divorce or that you cannot recapture the love. You need to do the thing that made you fall in love more. Take more time to be alone and "date".

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't have much to add except . Believe me, it happens to everyone - I call it peaks and valleys. We are in a peak right now but it wasn't that long we were in a valley . It takes a lot of work and a lot of commitment to make it work.

I have a fried who is filing for divorce after 13 years because she is just not in love with her husband anymore. Years and years of neglecting one another to focus on their friends and their children has created a lot of resentment in their relationship. He wants to work on it, she doesn't feel there is anything left to build on. I don't know the whole story, or the depths of her feelings, and although I have not told her this, I think she isn't willing to put the work into the relationship that it would require to resurrect their marriage. There must be some foundation, something that drew them together in the first place. But she refuses to go back there.

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[kdibattista]

Although I cannot speak for DH, I guess I go in phases. I love DH with all my heart but I think sometimes it's easy to take that for granted and it becomes less "magical" as some have said. Just yesterday, for example, I looked at him in Target of all places as he was helping me shop and this wave of love came over me.

I think sometimes its easier to claim you've fallen out of love with someone then it is to remember why you loved them in the first place. Not saying that's the case. I hope everything works out

 

[Mercy]

Feeling “in love” will not sustain a marriage. Marriage is a commitment not to be taken casually or lightly. There was an old song that says, “love is not a feeling, it’s an act of your will”. I believe that with my whole heart. I have been married to DH for 23 years. We’ve had many ups and downs, some major downs also. But when I made a commitment to him 23 years ago, I made it for better or worse. There have been many days when I did not “feel” in love with DH, but I have always loved him. Marriage takes work, it is not all hearts and romance, but if you hang in there it is worth it. After 23 years I love my DH as much, if not more than when we were first married. We have grown together in so many ways, we are each other’s best friend…. That is the reward of commitment.

I get so disheartened when I see the Hollywood icons, and how they continually throw their marriages away for the “next best thing”. It is sad, and it sends a bad message to all those who look up to these people.

Anyway, my advice is to remember why you married your DH in the first place. Talk about these things together, you will be surprised the “feelings” that will come back up. My DH and I do this a lot, just reminisce about the old days, it reminds us of why we fell in love and what we love about each other.

 

[laura001]

Yes. In a long term relationship it is very natural for feelings to ebb and flow. Just because it doesn't feel like "magic" doesn't mean the commitment is gone. It doesn't mean that feelings of love can't be resurrected. But both parties have to be willing to work toward the same goal of making each other a priority again. If one party decides to try the grass on the other side of the fence, well...that's not helpful. It takes a strong commitment to each other to not stray when the feelings are low, because temptation is high--very high. But know that like a wave to the shore, eventually the feelings will return and be strong again if the commitment remains strong.

We've been married almost 25yrs and recently I had this very conversation with my DS19. He was shocked. He has never seen us fight, so he had no idea that we had ever had trouble.It's true-- long months of dead feelings, living seperate lives under the same roof. But in spite of the lack of feelings we stayed together for each other. There have been no regrets and now our marriage is stronger than it was before.

I can agree with you on more than one account here. I believe that every relationship has its peaks and valleys, it is easy to stay "in Love" when you are on the peaks, the valleys can be very low low low. When you experience these I don't believe that the "love" is gone, it may be hiding though, behind a ton of emotion and reasoning. It is very difficult during these times not to give up and move onto something easier and greener. It takes such a commitment and hard hard work to get back to the peaks again (and in my case a ton of money in counseling), but when you regain that, what a sweet victory! Just as the other posters have said, your marriage then becomes stronger and much more fulfilling than ever before.

I wouldn't have believed it myself if it hadn't happened with my DH and I. When I say hard work, for us it was literally about 3 years...the longest 3 years of my life, but now I know that the rest of my life I am with a partner that I absolutely cherish. I wish you all the best and hope it all works out!

 

[Disney Ella]

In the movie the Four Seasons, Alan Alda talks about sometimes being madly in love with his wife and then a few months later, he can't stand to even be around her, how relationships have valleys and peaks. The excitement phase of marriage doesn't last that long, especially when you're dealing with the drudgery of every day life - work, bills, kids, etc. I think everyone has periods when it's not so great. Some people can get through it and move on to a better time. Other people can't or don't want to.

 

[SC Minnie]

There are times (usually about 28 days apart) that I look at DH and think to mysef 'why are you here??? don't you have some where else you need to be???'. Those feelings pass though. He gets on my nerves probably as much as I get on his but that all comes from living with someone. Not everyday is fireworks and roses. DH and I are friends and we enjoy each others company (except for that couple of days a month )

Good luck to you.

 

[mickeyfan2]

There are times (usually about 28 days apart) that I look at DH and think to mysef 'why are you here??? don't you have some where else you need to be???'.

All I can say is thank god that DH stays in love with me at these times.

 

[SC Minnie]

All I can say is thank god that DH stays in love with me at these times.

I seriously think DH is scared of me then!!!! And he has every reason to be!!!

 

[ericamanda01]

I heard a great line from a movie once, "The secret to a long and lasting marriage is never falling out of love with each other at the same time." This says it all for me. I mean realistically there are times when I don't want DH around me, but then there are other times that I can't imagine my life without him. Peaks and valleys, that’s what it’s all about.

 

[Chim Chiminy]

So glad OP started this thread. DH and I are trying to work on some issues right now and things just don't feel so good.

I think the advice/views given here are very relevant.
Thanks..............