Failing as a Stepparent

[NHdisneylover]

I agree wholeheartedly. My children understood that living with their dad was always an option, but it wasn't an option because they didn't like the rules. And if they did happen to go to dads, they were staying for a year. We were not going back and forth because it looked better here or there. They knew it would be tougher at dad's. I was lucky that while their dad and I were not great being married to each other, we were good parents. We both had a our fails for sure, but he always reinforced my decisions and I knew that I could involve him in bigger things and they would get the same message from both parents.

I kind of feel like, from the limited information given, that this teen made the decision to move forward to where the grass is greener. And bio mom/stepdad may have felt that this was a way to help her. Honestly, I can't imagine they would think that with Dad being gone so much, but they may have felt different friends and different environment would be good for the teen.

Kelly

Oh, I am SURE that there is a component of manipulation and trying the easy way out from the girl. That would be the case with any self respecting teen. I assumed she wanted to move in with her dad.

Then again, as you say, letting her bounce back and forth is not good and just as you do not allow your son to move then return when he does not like the rules, the same should apply with this young lady.

Honestly, if the OP and her husband send her back to mom, THEY are doing what you say the girl is likely doing. They are looking for the easy way out. They are adults though and need to parent, not take the easy road. And throwing in the towel over broken curfews and back talk is, quite honestly, silly. They ought to have expected these types of typical teen acting out scenarios and already had a plan in place to deal with them. I would worry about the message it sends not only to the older girl, but to her younger siblings if that is all it takes to be removed from the family.

I ALSO think there are almost certainly issues stemming from the girl feeling left out by her dad and his new family. OP admits her husband had very little to do with his daughter for years, so little that OP married him thinking she would never have his child living in the house with her. I am not going to crucify her for that. It was a mistake for sure, but it is over and done with and she was YOUNG and he was a dad and plenty old enough to know better himself by then.

However, it DID happen, and the OP knows, and shows in her words and actions, that she does not love this child in any way near the way she loves the kids she birthed. You can see it in the way she talks about 'her kids' in the first post. OP does not FEEL that her step daughter is part of the family. It sounds like she wants to get there, but she is not there yet, so how on earth could the child feel included in that situation? I think that the best way for OP to get there in feeling is to make herself be there in actions now and live it until it happens. It is certainly the only fair thing for the children invovled.

So, from my perspective, you have a combination of both of those things, and both would be made worse by telling the girl she has to move back in with her mother.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Great post!

Dang I'm strict. My 15 year old is not out beyond 10 pm. Different circumstances though. No comparison and she's a homebody. But great post!

Mine are not out late very often They stay out until close to one (when the teen club closes down) on cruises, but then there is somethign specific going on, with supervision, and I can find them easily and check up on them

At home, DD16 was out until nearly midnight earlier thsi summer, with an 18 year old friend. They went to a SCA workshop, got invovled and it ran late. They called to ask if it was okay that they stayed. Called again when tehy left to let me know there were still many poeple out downtown and all the lights on and they felt safe walking to the tram together. and called from the tram. They know I worry

But, I would not be 100 percent opposed to two a.m. if there were a legitemate reason. When was 16 to 18 I went to Rocky Horror about once a month. It STARTED at midnight. There was no other time to see it. Afterwards, a large group of us walked to Perkins for snacks whiel we wound down frm the fun. I got home around 3 those nights, and woudl let either of my kids do somethign similar IF that was the way the timing worked, and they were with a group and they checked in as told and had a safe way home.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP, if nothing else, until things get to where there are not these kinds of issues, can you use the line I often use:

I am too emotioanlly keyed up to have a reasonable discusssion about this right now. We'll talk tomorrow after school (or whenever).

Then, you have time to calm down (so you are not angry when you talk to her, no message seems to get through if it is yelled) and reflect on what the issues really are, what is a good way to handle them, and to contact you husband, get his input and have him and you agree about consequences. Ideally, your husband can join in the conversation where those are laid out, even if it is via skype. I think seeing her dad taking an active role in her life, and seeing that you are a united front would help your oldest daughter and also help YOU have some support.

 

[TinkerBelled]

OP, I just wanted to say, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You're young, you have four pre-school kids, your husband travels a lot, and you now have a teen (hard enough) who seems upset about her parents' divorce (harder) living in your house for the first time (even harder).

You've gotten a lot of good advice, but here's some from me: don't be too hard on yourself. You're clearly trying, and that's the most important first step. You're going to make mistakes, because you're human, but give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You seem like a good person who's trying to make the best of a difficult situation. I'm not saying there isn't work ahead, but try to recognize that you're dealing with things most people your age aren't, and you're trying to rise to the occasion.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am another one who is saying, while some HUGE changes need to happen, ASAP... cut the OP some slack.

I have to disagree with those that can say, with such simplicity, that the OP is the parent and should be the parent. etc....

I will give a little more insight on where this is coming from.
While my husband does not travel that much, there is no doubt that I, alone, was the responsible parent. DH just didn't feel he wanted to, or should, step up to the plate. I WAS THE 'HEAVY'. This also included, as some of you will know, homeschooling.

Guess what... How do you think that panned out for us. With me being the demanding bad-guy, with a teenaged son that age who just REFUSED to be cooperative and be parented by Mom. Why should he, if dad wasn't there proactively.... Not good....

If a regular, non-broken family, situation with a teen son and a mom can end up with these issues where one parent, alone, is dealing with these kind of issues... IT WOULD PROBABLY BE TEN TIMES WORSE FOR THE OP IN HER SITUATION WITH A TEEN GIRL AND HER YOUNG STEPMOM.

I learned thru experience that, as Dr. Phil might say, as I had posted earlier "Well, how's that workin' for ya."

I had to make a very strong and concerted effort to just back off, and when discipline was necessary (nothing like the OP's situation, of course... just basic teen attitude, not putting in any effort with academics or basic chores, showing respect, etc...) that AS THE FATHER, DH WAS THE ONE WHO WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

The OP needs to give herself a HUGE break when it comes to parenting this girl. She needs to back off, because clearly, this is only going to met with greater opposition and disrespect. The OP's role needs to be to BACK UP the parenting and discipline that the girls father has established.

It is not realistic, at all, to expect that the OP can 'parent' this child in a positive and successful way, given the fact that even the girl's father refuses to discipline and parent.

EVERYTHING THAT CAN POSSIBLY GO THRU THE FATHER, AND BE HANDLED BY THE FATHER, EVEN IF HE IS NOT AT HOME AT THE MOMENT, SHOULD GO THRU AND BE HANDLED BY THE GIRLS FATHER.

Even under the best of circumstances, if two parents are not on the same page, it will likely end up with a teen playing it like this girl is.... And, IMHO, I see that as the primary problem for the OP.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP, I just wanted to say, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You're young, you have four pre-school kids, your husband travels a lot, and you now have a teen (hard enough) who seems upset about her parents' divorce (harder) living in your house for the first time (even harder).

You've gotten a lot of good advice, but here's some from me: don't be too hard on yourself. You're clearly trying, and that's the most important first step. You're going to make mistakes, because you're human, but give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You seem like a good person who's trying to make the best of a difficult situation. I'm not saying there isn't work ahead, but try to recognize that you're dealing with things most people your age aren't, and you're trying to rise to the occasion.

Absolutely OP married into a mine field and it is exploding big time right now and she WAMTS to do the right thing. I thin kthat is great. and parneting teens is often very hard even under the best of circumstances. I really meant that Ido not want to crucify you OP. Not at all. You are trying and you have a decked stacked mightily against you. But, there are things I think you might not have thought of, pr perspectives that you might not have seen that can hopefully help you when various posters point them out now.

I am another one who is saying, while some HUGE changes need to happen, ASAP... cut the OP some slack.

I have to disagree with those that can say, with such simplicity, that the OP is the parent and should be the parent. etc....

I will give a little more insight on where this is coming from.
While my husband does not travel that much, there is no doubt that I, alone, was the responsible parent. DH just didn't feel he wanted to, or should, step up to the plate. I WAS THE 'HEAVY'. This also included, as some of you will know, homeschooling.

Guess what... How do you think that panned out for us. With me being the demanding bad-guy, with a teenaged son that age who just REFUSED to be cooperative and be parented by Mom. Why should he, if dad wasn't there proactively.... Not good....

If a regular, non-broken family, situation with a teen son and a mom can end up with these issues where one parent, alone, is dealing with these kind of issues... IT WOULD PROBABLY BE TEN TIMES WORSE FOR THE OP IN HER SITUATION WITH A TEEN GIRL AND HER YOUNG STEPMOM.

I learned thru experience that, as Dr. Phil might say, as I had posted earlier "Well, how's that workin' for ya."

I had to make a very strong and concerted effort to just back off, and when discipline was necessary (nothing like the OP's situation, of course... just basic teen attitude, not putting in any effort with academics or basic chores, showing respect, etc...) that AS THE FATHER, DH WAS THE ONE WHO WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

The OP needs to give herself a HUGE break when it comes to parenting this girl. She needs to back off, because clearly, this is only going to met with greater opposition and disrespect. The OP's role needs to be to BACK UP the parenting and discipline that the girls father has established.

It is not realistic, at all, to expect that the OP can 'parent' this child in a positive and successful way, given the fact that even the girl's father refuses to discipline and parent.

EVERYTHING THAT CAN POSSIBLY GO THRU THE FATHER, AND BE HANDLED BY THE FATHER, EVEN IF HE IS NOT AT HOME AT THE MOMENT, SHOULD GO THRU AND BE HANDLED BY THE GIRLS FATHER.

Even under the best of circumstances, if two parents are not on the same page, it will likely end up with a teen playing it like this girl is.... And, IMHO, I see that as the primary problem for the OP.

I have seen the vast majority of posters agreeing that the major issue here is that the OPs husband is not stepping up to the plate. Who do you think is placing all blame or responsiblity on OP?

 

[luvsJack]

Absolutely OP married into a mine field and it is exploding big time right now and she WAMTS to do the right thing. I thin kthat is great. and parneting teens is often very hard even under the best of circumstances. I really meant that Ido not want to crucify you OP. Not at all. You are trying and you have a decked stacked mightily against you. But, there are things I think you might not have thought of, pr perspectives that you might not have seen that can hopefully help you when various posters point them out now.



I have seen the vast majority of posters agreeing that the major issue her is that the OPs husband is not stepping up to the plate. Who do you think is placing all blame or responsiblity on OP?

I think when some have disagreed with the "parents should parent and not the step parents" WOAS might have taken that to mean that they thought the OP should parent rather than depending on her dh. I don't know if anyone else meant that, I certainly didn't. I simply meant that the husband is gone, he can't enforce rules and such when he is not there to do so, the OP has no choice but to parent. That doesn't mean she has to be the "heavy" or the "bad guy"; I certainly am not but it does mean that she and this girl have to have more of a parent/child relationship and not a friend relationship.




OP, you have gotten some great advise. Raising teens is hard. Very hard.

There are so many different things that could be going on with your step-dd that counseling for you, her and your dh is going to be the best route.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree the OP is trying. Kudos for that.

OP, I think it's important that you start to carve out some "alone" time with your SD. A quiet time where there aren't any other distractions. (I know this is hard, and you probably want to/should rest when you can yourself, but given the circumstances, this is something you have to do. It would be a lot easier if you had some help, granted. Think how much better it would be if your DH was home... but I digress...)

Now is the time to start having conversations with SD about life and other things. And I think you need to start working your way up to ongoing conversations about boyfriends, sex and birth control sooner than later. Girls who feel neglected often try to find love and acceptance from males, and they may use her for sex. I hate to say it, but you could have a teen pregnancy to deal with on top of everything else!

At 13, girls are just starting to understand things in a different way, even if they've heard things before. Even more so in a couple of years. They are far from knowing it all, and need continuous open dialogue about all the issues they will face both physically and emotionally over the next few years, of which there will be many. She needs someone to guide her with all of this, and it sounds like that someone will likely be you (since her mother seems to have checked out). I agree the idea of a "big sister" as opposed to a "mother" might work, but really, what to call your role is less important than actually being there for this girl. If she has no one to lead her, she is very likely to go down the wrong path, as the wrong path is often seemingly the path of least resistance - the right path being the harder one.

People are so right saying parenting a teen isn't easy. They act in ways that surprise and disappoint you sometimes. Or worse. They test your limits with things like school and other rules of the household, and they can be ruthless to get their way. Sometimes you can't even believe this is the child you raised. It is very hard continuing to enforce rules and keep talking to them about things when they appear to want to break them or not hear it. You've got to stand strong in the face of this. With that said, you also have to re-evaluate as you go along. People's styles here differ, but the important message to send to the teen, regardless of style, is that you're in for the duration, and you're willing to fight for what's best for them, because as teens, they don't always know what's best for themselves, even if they think they do. Most teens thank their parents later on when they can see things more clearly through maturity. Oh, and speaking of maturity, it really has little to do with age.

 

[kate_wdw]

So, from my perspective, you have a combination of both of those things, and both would be made worse by telling the girl she has to move back in with her mother.

I agree that in most cases, sending away a kid who is not behaving well is a bad precedent to set, unless the parent truly believes that the other home would be more beneficial to the child. It sounds like this child needs more attention than her father and stepmother are willing or able to give. Right now, she is falling through the cracks, and letting her continue to fall until her father and stepmother make the significant changes needed to help this child seems like a huge risk to me.

Based on what the OP has written about the mother (“She was having a hard time at home with her mother and stepfather, so my husband and I said she could live with us.” “She was getting poor grades and apparently she was constantly fighting with her mother...She's very smart and sort of manipulative, which was probably part of the problem.” “Her mother does not have any other children. My stepdaughter has had a pretty stable life: lived in the same house, same stepfather for many years, same school, etc.”) I would be surprised if that environment would be less safe or appropriate for her than competing for attention with four young siblings from an overwhelmed stepmother and frequently absent father. What are the chances that her mother would have sat at home while her 13-year-old was out missing at 2 am? (OP, I'm not saying that to criticize you, just to point out that the situation as it currently stands is not safe for your SD.)

 

[clutter]

I ALSO think there are almost certainly issues stemming from the girl feeling left out by her dad and his new family. OP admits her husband had very little to do with his daughter for years, so little that OP married him thinking she would never have his child living in the house with her. I am not going to crucify her for that. It was a mistake for sure, but it is over and done with and she was YOUNG and he was a dad and plenty old enough to know better himself by then.

However, it DID happen, and the OP knows, and shows in her words and actions, that she does not love this child in any way near the way she loves the kids she birthed. You can see it in the way she talks about 'her kids' in the first post. OP does not FEEL that her step daughter is part of the family. It sounds like she wants to get there, but she is not there yet, so how on earth could the child feel included in that situation? I think that the best way for OP to get there in feeling is to make herself be there in actions now and live it until it happens. It is certainly the only fair thing for the children invovled.

I think that it is entirely likely that the sd stayed out hoping that someone would come looking for her. What better way to feel loved and cared about if you make your step-parent drop everything to come and find you?

While I agree that dad needs to step up to the plate, I think it would serve OP well to find someone to be the emergency person for an hour if she needs to get sd somewhere. Of, if she can't, you bundle four kids into the car in the middle of the night. It teaches all five of the kids that this is what you do for family. I'm sure it would make an impression on at least some of the little ones when you say "she's family, I don't know where she is, she may be in trouble, we need to look for her." And a double impression when the 6yo repeats all that to her half-sister later. (Don't underestimate the power of a sibling.)

OP, good luck. Parenting teens is not for the meek. But I do think your heart is in the right place. It's probably not convenient for you at all, with four little ones. But I think that's kind of the point. Maybe you can carve out some sitter time in your budget so each of your five kids can get a little time with you.

 

[punkin]

I agree that in most cases, sending away a kid who is not behaving well is a bad precedent to set, unless the parent truly believes that the other home would be more beneficial to the child. It sounds like this child needs more attention than her father and stepmother are willing or able to give. Right now, she is falling through the cracks, and letting her continue to fall until her father and stepmother make the significant changes needed to help this child seems like a huge risk to me.

Based on what the OP has written about the mother (“She was having a hard time at home with her mother and stepfather, so my husband and I said she could live with us.” “She was getting poor grades and apparently she was constantly fighting with her mother...She's very smart and sort of manipulative, which was probably part of the problem.” “Her mother does not have any other children. My stepdaughter has had a pretty stable life: lived in the same house, same stepfather for many years, same school, etc.”) I would be surprised if that environment would be less safe or appropriate for her than competing for attention with four young siblings from an overwhelmed stepmother and frequently absent father. What are the chances that her mother would have sat at home while her 13-year-old was out missing at 2 am? (OP, I'm not saying that to criticize you, just to point out that the situation as it currently stands is not safe for your SD.)

Oh yes.

 

[mckelvey72]

So my situation was similar in a lot of ways but different in a lot of ways....

My situation: Started dating boyfriend in March and 13 DD lived with her mother 10 hours away so she only came in summer and longer holidays. She was moody, miserable child!! I got pregnant after 6 months of dating and moved in and that same summer 13 DD came to live with her father. There is also another DD who turned 5 that summer. I never parented the 13 year old. When she snuck out or didn't follow the rules, yes I would worry and sit up with hubby but when she came home I went to bed and let him deal with her actions. If I went to hubby about something she did, said, posted on facebook etc he would listen but wanted to be the "fun" dad and didn't always do anything about it. At 17 she started dating a drug addict and she would use my personal laptop and load pictures etc. I would hand him the laptop and tell him to take a look. She knew I would do this and blamed me for snooping and told everyone I looked thru her personal stuff.....excuse me, you were using MY laptop!! Anyway, long story short, she got in huge fight with dad and moved out at 18. My relationship (which was 5 years old at this point) took a HUGE turn for the better once she wasn't there. And take note that his child....her mom and dad could NOT stand to discuss anything, mom talked bad about dad etc.

Now the younger one, I parent her in everyday aspects...please clean your room etc. But the big decision....her parents talk and get along and make those decisions for her...not me. Hubby may ask me my opinion and we talk about situations (she is now 13 and a wonderful child to be around). But from day 1 she was told by her dad AND mom that she had to respect and listen to me. We have never had any problems.

Now, ask me how many kids we have......we have 3. I do clarify sometimes that the girls are his and the boy is ours. We are the same age (41 and 42) and DD is now 22 so I get looks about having a 22 year old so I do clarify sometimes. My relationship with her is getting better but I can honestly say I care about her, but don't love her like my own. Sorry if that offends anyone but there are a ton more stories that I won't get into. The younger one, I love as my own.

But having said that, if I were to have a signature etc, I would include all of them....and a grand child coming in April. Would never leave the oldest out (she is in Airforce now) because she is HIS child. HE really does have 3 kids.

Another thing I am going to read between the lines and say.......the ex if probably bent out of shape that you are 25 and I am going to assume she is closer in age to the hubby. So she is probably not going to work with you....which the daughter is going to see firsthand and use to her advantage.

I agree that counseling is needed for you guys. I feel for you cause coming into a relationship that had a teen daughter....UGH. So difficult. And for me, I spent 32 years of my life with no kids...doing what I wanted etc to a ready made family...it is hard to adapt to.

Good luck.....been there done that. HAHA Your husband needs to step up with this child and he needs to not travel if possible for awhile so he can be home nightly and talk to this child and handle some things.

 

[Colleen27]

Mine are not out late very often They stay out until close to one (when the teen club closes down) on cruises, but then there is somethign specific going on, with supervision, and I can find them easily and check up on them

At home, DD16 was out until nearly midnight earlier thsi summer, with an 18 year old friend. They went to a SCA workshop, got invovled and it ran late. They called to ask if it was okay that they stayed. Called again when tehy left to let me know there were still many poeple out downtown and all the lights on and they felt safe walking to the tram together. and called from the tram. They know I worry

But, I would not be 100 percent opposed to two a.m. if there were a legitemate reason. When was 16 to 18 I went to Rocky Horror about once a month. It STARTED at midnight. There was no other time to see it. Afterwards, a large group of us walked to Perkins for snacks whiel we wound down frm the fun. I got home around 3 those nights, and woudl let either of my kids do somethign similar IF that was the way the timing worked, and they were with a group and they checked in as told and had a safe way home.

I'm the same way with my 15yo. He's usually in by 10, but if there is something going on I'm flexible. He's gone to midnight movie openings with friends and even Friday night football games run later than his usual curfew. As long as I know where he's at, who he's with, and how he's getting there/back, I'm fine with him staying out later than usual sometimes.

I used to go to RHPS as often as I could too. Maybe that's why I'm so understanding when my son comes to me asking for an exception to curfew - I had more than one 3am night at Dennys with my friends, unwinding after a midnight show.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm the same way with my 15yo. He's usually in by 10, but if there is something going on I'm flexible. He's gone to midnight movie openings with friends and even Friday night football games run later than his usual curfew. As long as I know where he's at, who he's with, and how he's getting there/back, I'm fine with him staying out later than usual sometimes.

I used to go to RHPS as often as I could too. Maybe that's why I'm so understanding when my son comes to me asking for an exception to curfew - I had more than one 3am night at Dennys with my friends, unwinding after a midnight show.

And that's what's nice about being flexible under certain circumstances.