Explain this to me please

[Evil Genius]

Why do people not tell their loved ones what they are upset about? Why let them walk around wondering what they did wrong and not know what to do so that they can fix it. Can people not sit down and rationally discuss things anymore?

 

[NMAmy]

I used to be this way when I was younger--mainly because I hated confrontation and I had a mother who would go bananas if I spoke up about what was bothering me. It drives me crazy when others do it now--it's just so passive aggressive.

Now I have no problem telling people why I'm upset with them. DD probably wishes I was a bit more reticent about sharing my feelings. I've found it is much easier when we get things out in the open and then we can just get on with life without dragging it out.

I do think a lot of people learn this behavior as kids and haven't learned a better way to communicate.

 

[Nie0214]

Drives me crazy too. I don't expect you to mind-read, so don't expect me to do it. I hate the playing games / passive-agressive approach to issues, nothing ever gets resolved that way.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

About a week into dating my BF we sat down and talked and decided we would always talk about what was bothering us. And in a year, we have not once had any drama. We have had several discussions though.

(I have another thread going about how I'm torn over a gift for him and I'm trying to still keep somewhat secret and it's driving me bonkers not telling him but we make exceptions for gifts, surprises).

I think you're right. Many people just do not talk about things anymore.

 

[Arielle22]

My 16 yr old DD tells me that if she says what is bothering her; I will get mad at her.

That is because what is always bothering her is her 14 yr old sister. No matter how much it would make 16 yr old happy; I am not banishing my other DD from the house

 

[MM27]

because sometimes you are so mad by what someone has done that you can't believe they don't know what's wrong.

 

[ckquan]

I can tell you from my own experience that confrontation is hard. I grew up with parents who would argue but never resolve issues. The issues just get swept under the rugs. Because of that, I still hurt deep down. So as I matured, I have tried to bring issues up with people. But I've had to learn that skill. It is still not easy for me. I have a very wonderful and patient DH who reminds me that we need to resolve issues. He would say, "let's get past the hurt and get on with loving each other." So perhaps the people you're dealing with just has a hard time bringing issues up. I would gently ask if anything is wrong and if so, then can you talk. If they don't want to talk, then say that you'll wait until they are ready.

 

[Jenvenza]

Sometimes you don't want to start a confrontation. I know someone who is very close to me, that I cannot talk to. It is sad and I hate it. But if I try to bring something up, that person gets mad and storms off or turns it around on me. Unless I am looking for a fight, I know when to not say anything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why do people not tell their loved ones what they are upset about? Why let them walk around wondering what they did wrong and not know what to do so that they can fix it. Can people not sit down and rationally discuss things anymore?

1) Because they do not know how to handle a upset situation as a mature adult. Maybe they need to learn that skill as the poster ckquan said.

2) They use this technique to punish the person they are mad at. They know that it hurts that person and feels that person "deserves it". It is what they are used to and they gain power over you/satisfaction.

3) They have to calm down and think about it otherwise they are going to take off your head.

4) You fall into a sick pattern of "punisher" VS "person in the wrong". It is a nasty habit that needs to change.

Those are 4 reasons off the top of my head. Do any of those fit?