Explain this one -- Please!

[auntpolly]

One of my best friends is a good church going girl with a good church going family.

One of her kids asked another kid (they are 11) to go to on a camping trip with the family. The boys have been friends for a long time, it's a small town and they've been in grade school together since kindergarten, but the parents had never met. The other kid's family is very religiously conservative. The kid's mom and dad asked my friends family over for supper "to get to know them before they gave permission" for their son to go on the trip. My friend and her husband thought it was a little odd, but figured they were a little overprotective and agreed, to alleviate any of their fears about letting the boy go camping.

They had a nice enough evening, thought that was that....until Monday morning, when the boy came to school and told my friend's son that his parents had given it alot of thought, prayed about it, and didn't think God wanted their son to go.

I know you have no other way but to just hopefully take my word for this, but my friend, her husband, and their kid are the nicest family. They go to church every Sunday. They are well spoken, educated, attractive, friendly people, and we are at a loss as to what God would have had against them. I'm just thinking these people, who think they are so Christian, are not very Christian at all. Are we all missing something? Don't you think this is just sooooooooooo arrogant and rude???

 

[LadyZolt]

That does seem strange, but the kid is only 11 and maybe the parents don't think he's ready for a camping trip. He may never have gone camping before, or they might prefer doing things together as a family, etc. I would suggest that your friends invite not only the boy, but the entire family if that's possible. If it's not, then after they get back, maybe invite that other family over for a BBQ so that the parents can get to know each other better. If the boys want to be friends, that might let the overprotective parents really feel comfortable leaving their son in the care of your friends.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[auntpolly]

That does seem strange, but the kid is only 11 and maybe the parents don't think he's ready for a camping trip. He may never have gone camping before, or they might prefer doing things together as a family, etc. )

Why wouldn't they have just said that, then? This never came up. They just said they wanted to meet my friend and her husband. They never even talked about the camping trip at dinner. It was definitely like they were being interviewed. My friend said, "I thought they just wanted to see we weren't axe murderers or porn stars!!!" I guess they saw something they didn't like!!!1

 

[disykat]

I also think it could have been that the parents aren't ready to let their child go. I wouldn't let my child unless I knew the parents for more than one dinner. Not because I didn't trust the parents, but simply because I didn't know them well.

However, I agree they went about it very oddly. Why arrange to meet if you are hesitant? Why bring God into it? Even if you feel God is leading you to a decision, what possible good could it do to tell someone God doesn't want your son to go camping with them? That's certainly not a positive witness, if that's what they are trying to accomplish by dropping God's name. It is very weird and I think the parents owe the parents an explanatory phone call and not just a child carrying the message. Maybe they are already planning to do that and their son just jumped the gun?

I think using the "God doesn't want it" is a poor excuse for not communicating well. There is no reason they could not express their hesitation in a more thoughtful manner. Heck, even if they did think your friends were ax murderers, it'd still be in their best interests to be polite about their refusal of the invitation!

 

[Rella Bella]

I would tell your friends not to take it too personally. In some conseravtive Christian circles they talk like that about every thing. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just the way they communicate their commitment to God. They pray about everything, discern what they feel 'God is saying' and then say "God told them...".

It's hard to understand if you haven't been a part of it, but these are good Christian people trying to understand the world they live in. Having been part of that type of Christianity some time ago, I believe, that the "hearing God" part is as much decerning personal deep feelings as it is trying to hear God -- although they probably would not agree with my definition.

Therefore... it could be many things in their own hearts that caused them to hear that answer from God. My mother-in-law firmly held that children should sleep in their own beds at night. Period. It was right and it was something she probably would have argued "God told her". In reality it was her opinion... but they were also her children.

I would say for some reason these parents aren't ready to let the boy go... at this age or for that long or maybe just that far. They might not be able to put it into words, even in their own minds, but their discomfort comes out as "God told them" because their 'church culture' has taught them to express it that way.

Hope that helps some...

 

[auntpolly]

So you guys don't think they were being arrogant, just socially awkward? I guess that's possible, but it just really hurt my friend's feelings!

I could see if they said, "You know, he's never gone on vacation with another family", or "He's never been camping before", "we have to think about it."

But to say, "Well gee, that sounds great! Why don't we all go out to dinner together to get to know each other better" and then "You know, on second thought God hates this idea". Weird. And really weird for my friend's son!

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

So you guys don't think they were being arrogant, just socially awkward? I guess that's possible, but it just really hurt my friend's feelings!

I could see if they said, "You know, he's never gone on vacation with another family", or "He's never been camping before", "we have to think about it."

But to say, "Well gee, that sounds great! Why don't we all go out to dinner together to get to know each other better" and then "You know, on second thought God hates this idea". Weird. And really weird for my friend's son!

Hurt feelings are so much better than the typical parent who sends their child off with any family just because the children go to school together.

Speaking of hurt feelings - do you ever wonder if your little signature hurts anyones feelings?

 

[auntpolly]

Speaking of hurt feelings - do you ever wonder if your little signature hurts anyones feelings?

Sorry, I guess that went along with another thread and I should take it off.

I'm Catholic, and I am tired of people blaming Catholics for everything. There is a song from South Park, "Blame Canada", which tells people to just blame Canada for everything in the world. It seems like every time there is a discussion on anything, someone says, "Well the Cathlolic Church is worse!"

About my friend -- so you think the other family handled that well?

 

[powellrj]

This is my take on it.

There are many churches that really don't like their members being social with those outside their church. We have neighbors that are like this. They want everyone to go to their church and their church programs, but if you ask them to do something that doesn't involve their church family, it really throws them into unknown territory. They may have thought they could let go and let their child attend something that wasn't part of their church family, but when they really thought about it, it scared them.

I know how your friend feels, because we felt this way too when our kids first started doing things with these kids. After awhile, you start to see a pattern and you realize its not you, its just how they are.

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

Sounds like if there is this much baggage with the family already, you or your friends are better off. It is unfortunate that we all can't get along and at least work to live as one community under God, but there are definately some families who aren't willing to be as accepting.

My advice - keep your arms open and welcoming

 

[auntpolly]

. They may have thought they could let go and let their child attend something that wasn't part of their church family, but when they really thought about it, it scared them.

Yeah, my friend, (her name is Sue) felt like they really did scare them!
I guess that family does have to do what they feel best for their kid, but handled in this way, it just seems so selfish -- like they don't care about anyone but themselves.

If someone said to me in the first place, "I have to think about this. He's never done anything like that before." I would totally understand and I know Sue would have.

I guess it's not that big of deal -- but Sue and her kid are feeling a little embarrassed around school (like I said, it's a small town and everyone knows about this. The boys had told everyone they were going and now have to explain why they aren't) -- good thing it's the end of the year!

 

[auntpolly]

My advice - keep your arms open and welcoming

Well I don't live there and I don't know these people, but I'm pretty sure Sue and her husband will be avoiding these people like the plague -- not like they are mad, just because now they feel really strange around them.

Boys seem to not get bothered about things as much. Hopefully next year they'll have forgotten the whole thing.

 

[WishingOnAStar]

One of my best friends is a good church going girl with a good church going family.

One of her kids asked another kid (they are 11) to go to on a camping trip with the family. The boys have been friends for a long time, it's a small town and they've been in grade school together since kindergarten, but the parents had never met. The other kid's family is very religiously conservative. The kid's mom and dad asked my friends family over for supper "to get to know them before they gave permission" for their son to go on the trip. My friend and her husband thought it was a little odd, but figured they were a little overprotective and agreed, to alleviate any of their fears about letting the boy go camping.

I agree the way they handled their "final answer" was a bit odd - but, I don't think it is strange at all that they wanted to meet the parents. I don't care how long my kids have known another child- if they want to go to that kid's house for a playdate, I better know the parents. I can only imagine how I'd feel about a vacation with another family. Personally, I don't think one dinner with the family would be enough for me to allow my child to go camping with another family.

THAT SAID, I wouldn't handle it that way.

 

[auntpolly]

Personally, I don't think one dinner with the family would be enough for me to allow my child to go camping with another family.

I can see that. I think Sue understands that some people might feel that way too. But this family implied that it would have been OK, if they had "liked what they'd seen".

I really hadn't thought of this until I read all of your replies, but the next time I talk to her, I'm going to tell her that they might not have been rude as they were just plain weird.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Maybe the parents met your friends and decided their son may be too much of a handful for them? Maybe the kid is just not ready to go camping yet and they know it. They may be protecting your friends, for all they know. I wouldn't judge them so harshly.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you say the parents never met, the answer of no is acceptable. I wouldn't let my kid go either. My rule is their has to be some spending the night at each other's houses prior to something big like this.
I also would have to "know" the parents.

Your friend should have realized that most parents would agree with this.

Since you say they are very religious, the answer would not surprise me.
You could take it 2 ways...
1) They truly did pray on it and really considered it.
2) They use God as their "excuse" to hide behind things.

Either way, asking an 11yo boy to go on a camping trip when you never met the parents is odd as well.

 

[auntpolly]

Your friend should have realized that most parents would agree with this.
.

Either way, asking an 11yo boy to go on a camping trip when you never met the parents is odd as well.

I respect your opinion but I disagree -- Of course saying "no" was acceptable. I don't think the not letting him go part was the problem, though. Nobody thinks it was weird not to let him go.

He was invited -- if the parents had a problem with it, they should have said so before they implied it was OK and had them over. Or at least mentioned their reservations at dinner.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I respect your opinion but I disagree -- I don't think the not letting him go part was the problem, though.

He was invited -- if the parents had a problem with it, they should have said so before they implied it was OK and had them over. Or at least mentioned their reservations at dinner.

My point is that I would think a majority of parents would have reservations about it.
Your friend put the parents in an ackward position.

(can't spell ackward, having my 1st cup of coffee )

 

[auntpolly]

My point is that I would think a majority of parents would have reservations about it.
Your friend put the parents in an ackward position.

By making an invitation? Wow, I'm surprised by this!

That's implying that I have to be a mind reader, IMO -- Wow, this world is too complicated for me, LOL, now I have to worry that an invitation might make people uncomfortable? What's wrong with just being honest with people and declining if they don't want to do something?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

By making an invitation? Wow, I'm surprised by this!

That's implying that I have to be a mind reader, IMO -- Wow, this world is too complicated for me, LOL, now I have to worry that an invitation might make people uncomfortable? What's wrong with just being honest with people and declining if they don't want to do something?

Yes, because the parents have never met. I meet all of my kid's friends parents.
If these kids were friends since K, why have they never met?
Certainly their would need to be spending the night first to see how the kids get along.

I have girls, not boys and this is how it is....