Ex wanting the kids for the summer

[MagicalMom]

My ex-DH & I divorced about 9 years ago. My children with him are 10 & 14. Since that time they have seen him once. They have spoken to him about 3 times in the last 5 years. They have no relationship with him. his is about 25,000 in arrears in child support but has began paying 428.00 a month.

Last week he called & spoke to my DD14 while I was a work. Every few years he may call during the holidays. My DD is on the AOL guardian plan so I get the screen names that she emails & sends text messsages to. I noticed this email from her father's wife.




Pete and I will start making the arrangements for your trip.When is school out and does Petey want to come? Your dad will be extremely happy to hear that you want to come down. We (especially he) can't wait to spend time with you. Oh yes I forgot to mention, how does squirrel hunting sound? If you want he will even take you for that.The reason he doesn't send you an e-mail is because he doesn't care anything about learning computers. Well gotta go but he sends his love.



P. S.: We got the card, thank you very much.
Love Dad and AngieSo, I was pretty upset that I had not been contacted with this. I then typed out my own email & haven't sent it yet.



Angie, Prior to making arrangments for this summer vacation, you make want go over plans with their Mother. The fact that you have left me completely out of the loop in this situation has me to be greatly concerned & question your intentions. The children do not know you or their father. He has not made any attempt at getting to know them. Don't you think it would be quite irresponsible of me to send my children off with complete strangers. Strangers who can't call on Birthdays & can't send Christmas cards. Those are far more easier tasks than making transportation arrangements for children.

Am I the only one that finds this situation odd? Why are you so concerned woith having the children for the summer? I think you would first need to form a relationship with them.

The children will be on vacation the week of April 17th. Why not take that opportunity to come visit with them & get to know them. If after that period everyone is still interested in a trip, we can have a contract written. The children will be able to come for a 2 week trip, with me driving them to your home. I am not about to send my children off with complete strangers to stay at a place I've never seen before.

How does that sound to you? I just don't understand why they suddenly want the kids but couldn't even call last month on my son's birthday????

 

[LindaR]

What does your custody agreement say about visitation? And does it give an age that says your kids can make those decisions?

 

[MagicalMom]

What does your custody agreement say about visitation? And does it give an age that says your kids can make those decisions?

Our custody agreement, made at the time of our seperation just said that he would get the kids every other weekend. That never happened because he moved to TN right after. He never even showed up for the divorce hearing.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't blame you for being leary about a long visit since they don't really even know each other. I think that you are being reasonable in expecting them to get to know the kids a little and then allowing a 2 week summer trip to visit them. How far away does the father live?

 

[mickeyboat]

I can understand your frustration. But please don't let your emotions get the best of you and cause a huge problem between you and your ex.

"Start making arrangements" doesn't necessarily exclude talking to you about their plans. It doesn't sound to me like they want the kids for the entire summer, maybe just for a short visit.

Actually, I would be happy that Angie wants to make an effort for her and the kids' father to be a part of the kids lives again. I hope you will encourage the relationship. But I do agree that it should probably start slowly from a short visit in your town to a short visit at their home and then to a longer visit in their home.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[MagicalMom]

The thought of a gun in my 10 yo hands is making me ill too. Don't you have to take a hunters saftey course or having a hunting license first?

 

[Stitchfans]

Your letter sounds great to me. As a matter of fact you are being much kinder then I would of been with the sneaky woman. I am concerned though too. Why all of a sudden? Just when he is starting to pay child support too. yes, a contract should be written up through the courts.

Again, I also wonder why DD didn't bring any of this up to you too? All of this just scares me and all sounds too fishy, underhanded. When it comes to both of my DDs safety I become very overprotective. I hope all goes well. Sending good thoughts your way.

And yes, send it the email. See what the woman has to say.

 

[eeyore kelly]

I would rewrite the email to be a little more neutral emotionally. But a visit prior is not a bad idea

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I don't blame you a bit. That is just ridiculous.

 

[diznygirl]

I would talk to your DD first and get her story. You are stepping into something where you don't have all the facts. Get them, and then act.

 

[MagicalMom]

I didn't send the email. I just had to type something out to get the frustration out. Therapy for me I guess. In another email I found they mentioned that they would like to have the kids for the whole summer. I'm wondering if they think they will be able to get child support out of me. They mentioned out they don't have much money & can't afford to take them any where. Then again with the way it's gone in the past, we may never hear from them again. We'll just have to see what happens.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would contact my lawyer and see where you stand with the law. Do not send any email about this issue until consulting your lawyer.

 

[MagicalMom]

I would contact my lawyer and see where you stand with the law. Do not send any email about this issue until consulting your lawyer.

That's what I'll do. I'll sit down with DH & the kids tonight before doing that. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest guys.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm glad you didn't send it. I do the same thing--write everything I want to say, then go back and edit, edit, edit! It's good to get it all out so it doesn't sneak back in later.

I think encouraging a visit for spring break is a good idea. I know how frustrating it can be to deal with the ex (particularly when he hasn't been involved before) but I'd say give him and his mother a chance to get to know the kids again. If he wants to make the effort, it would only hurt your kids to keep them apart.

 

[EthansMom]

Well, their grandmother and father can't take the kids for the summer without your permission, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Personally, I think that the grandmother is a bit of a whack job to be sending emails making plans to a 14 year old.

First, I would discuss this with your 14 year old and let her know that despite whatever her grandmother is saying an extended stay might not be comfortable or happen. I would emphasize that you would love for your ex to have more of a relationship with both kids, but that some shorter visits to see how things work out first might be a better idea.

I would not contact the grandmother at all. I would send a letter to your ex letting him know that you "heard" that his mother has mentioned plans for a summer visit with your 14 year old and that, while you would love for your ex to see the kids, perhaps some visits of shorter duration would be a good first step so that the kids can be reaquainted with him and his mother. Tell the ex when the kids have their Spring Break and offer to pay half of their travel expenses or meet the ex halfway.

I would let both kids know that you've offered their Dad the opportunity to have them for a visit over Spring Break. Then, if a visit does happen, they are mentally prepared instead of having it sprung on them. And if a visit of any kind doesn't happen, neither their father or grandmother can claim that you don't want the kids to see them at all.

Good Luck!

 

[MagicalMom]

I'm glad you didn't send it. I do the same thing--write everything I want to say, then go back and edit, edit, edit! It's good to get it all out so it doesn't sneak back in later.

Yeah, it's good therapy & I figured you all would make a good sounding board until DH gets home.

 

[MagicalMom]

Well, their grandmother and father can't take the kids for the summer without your permission, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Personally, I think that the grandmother is a bit of a whack job to be sending emails making plans to a 14 year old.

First, I would discuss this with your 14 year old and let her know that despite whatever her grandmother is saying an extended stay might not be comfortable or happen. I would emphasize that you would love for your ex to have more of a relationship with both kids, but that some shorter visits to see how things work out first might be a better idea.

I would not contact the grandmother at all. I would send a letter to your ex letting him know that you "heard" that his mother has mentioned plans for a summer visit with your 14 year old and that, while you would love for your ex to see the kids, perhaps some visits of shorter duration would be a good first step so that the kids can be reaquainted with him and his mother. Tell the ex when the kids have their Spring Break and offer to pay half of their travel expenses or meet the ex halfway.

I would let both kids know that you've offered their Dad the opportunity to have them for a visit over Spring Break. Then, if a visit does happen, they are mentally prepared instead of having it sprung on them. And if a visit of any kind doesn't happen, neither their father or grandmother can claim that you don't want the kids to see them at all.

Good Luck!

I must have mistyped somewhere in my frustration. She's not the grandmother, she's his new wife...........yep, I went back & corrected it.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

she's his new wife...........

ah, there you go. New Wife is wondering how that completely wonderful man she married can have nothing to do with his children and he doesn't want to look like a total *** to her. He is probably feeding her stories of how totally unreasonable you are, so just naturally they have to go around you. Most likely she is the one pushing the issue, not him.

I'd be prepared to go consult a lawyer if necessary regarding the Custody agreement, but no way would I want my children to go out of state for an extended period with total strangers...older teens maybe, but not at the ages of your kids.

I don't blame you for getting emotional here.

 

[EthansMom]

I must have mistyped somewhere in my frustration. She's not the grandmother, she's his new wife...........yep, I went back & corrected it.

Oh, okay. Well, I'd still write the ex a letter offering to have the kids visit over Spring Break as a first step to becoming reaquainted with their father.

It's still kindof odd that the new wife is the one contacting the kids and not your ex. But it's not necessarily a bad thing if the new wife is encouraging him to pay his back child support and have contact with his kids.

Unless your ex wants to pay a lawyer and go back to court to have the visitation legally changed, the ex can't have any the kids for visitation other than is already set up WITHOUT your permission. So, I'd let the 14 year old know that a visit for the entire summer probably isn't a good idea and that you'll offer the kids' Dad the opportunity to have them visit for a couple of shorter visits.

In your letter, tell the ex that if Spring Break isn't convenient, perhaps he could have the kids for a week or two in the summer. Ask what dates work best for him.

Keep a copy of all of your correspondence and send the letter certified mail just in case the ex tries to make a legal hassle later for any reason. (My StepDad had problems with his ex claiming visitation issues in court. Ugh!)

Basically, be supportive to your kids and be open to their Dad having a part in their lives again. But don't ignore the side of you that is warning "Caution".

 

[SpecialK]

I'm glad to hear you're going to contact a lawyer first. I would not contact them at all without legal advice. When my sister divorced, I was surprised to see how the most innocent comment could be taken out of context and turned inside out. Let your lawyer do the talking, if warranted.