EX-TYCO CHIEF, OUT ON BAIL, BANKRUPTS FOUR COMPANIES
Kozlowski On Three-State Corporate Looting Thrill Spree
Disgraced Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski, released on bail last week, has gone on what authorities are calling a corporate looting thrill spree, bankrupting four major companies in the space of thirty-six hours.
The speed with which Mr. Kozlowski managed to loot the four companies, located in three different states, astounded FBI agents who have been working on the Tyco case.
We knew that Kozlowski was good, said one FBI source, but not this good.
Authorities did not know precisely how Mr. Kozlowski succeeded in assuming the CEO role of four different companies in such a brief period of time, but they said that the means he used to bankrupt them were vintage Kozlowski.
The FBI source said that in a mere thirty-six hours, the former Tyco CEO spent over $8.2 billion of company funds on limousines, vacation homes, Cristal champagne and what authorities are describing as a $22 million flea collar for his white Labrador.
In order to catch the rampaging CEO, the FBI is employing a strategy reminiscent of the film The Silence of the Lambs, retaining Enron sleazebag Kenneth Lay to serve as a profiler of Mr. Kozlowski.
If anyone can predict where and how Kozlowski will strike next, its Ken Lay, the FBI source said.
Law enforcement authorities across the U.S. remain on an orange alert while Mr. Kozlowski is still at large, and have warned citizens to be on the lookout for anyone attempting to buy emerald-studded steak knives or to hire Madonna to sing at his wifes next birthday party.
**** BOROWITZ IN THE NEW YORKER ****
Andy Borowitz offers a syllabus for The College of Matthew Perry in this weeks New Yorker, also available at http://www.newyorker.com .
Kozlowski On Three-State Corporate Looting Thrill Spree
Disgraced Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski, released on bail last week, has gone on what authorities are calling a corporate looting thrill spree, bankrupting four major companies in the space of thirty-six hours.
The speed with which Mr. Kozlowski managed to loot the four companies, located in three different states, astounded FBI agents who have been working on the Tyco case.
We knew that Kozlowski was good, said one FBI source, but not this good.
Authorities did not know precisely how Mr. Kozlowski succeeded in assuming the CEO role of four different companies in such a brief period of time, but they said that the means he used to bankrupt them were vintage Kozlowski.
The FBI source said that in a mere thirty-six hours, the former Tyco CEO spent over $8.2 billion of company funds on limousines, vacation homes, Cristal champagne and what authorities are describing as a $22 million flea collar for his white Labrador.
In order to catch the rampaging CEO, the FBI is employing a strategy reminiscent of the film The Silence of the Lambs, retaining Enron sleazebag Kenneth Lay to serve as a profiler of Mr. Kozlowski.
If anyone can predict where and how Kozlowski will strike next, its Ken Lay, the FBI source said.
Law enforcement authorities across the U.S. remain on an orange alert while Mr. Kozlowski is still at large, and have warned citizens to be on the lookout for anyone attempting to buy emerald-studded steak knives or to hire Madonna to sing at his wifes next birthday party.
**** BOROWITZ IN THE NEW YORKER ****
Andy Borowitz offers a syllabus for The College of Matthew Perry in this weeks New Yorker, also available at http://www.newyorker.com .
