Ex Not Paying child support!! LONG POST

[growinupdisney]

Depending on when your ex left his last job, he may be telling the truth about getting Cobra.

There is a deadline for the company to send him Cobra paperwork then he gets another amount of time to send in payment and enroll in Cobra. In the meantime the insurance is cancelled. When payment is received the insurance is reinstated back to the cancellation date. If you paid any medical bills or scrips during the time the insurance was cancelled you can request reimbursement from the health insurance company.

He was with COBRA but no longer is he is at the point where he needs to get insurance somewhere else but did not!

 

[DisneyScraps]

Two things though: Why would he pay additional money (outside the child support) for extracurricular activities? My husband pays a huge chunk of money in c/s (on time or early each month), and I would be shocked if his ex-wife actually thought she was entitled to more $$ because the kids wanted to do karate/sports/dance, etc.

And to njmom47-why wouldn't child support end when your youngest turns 18?

I have what I call the War and Peace of child custody agreements. It's that long! My ex pays child support in addition to that he pays half of her private school, half of ALL school expenses including uniforms, school supplies etc, half of summer camp and half of all extra curricular activities.

I learned from all my friends that were divorced from what they complained about and I put it all in my agreement so there would be no fighting. I didn't ask for the extra curricular activities or the summer camps, his lawyer put that in but I gladly took it.

This is going to help a lot because she in part of the Duke TIP program and I want to send her to Space Camp this summer.

I do know some people agree that child support is paid while the child is attending college if they are living at home. I don't have that.

It's all what you agree to.

Lisa

 

[ccgirl]

As others have said; take him back to court and this time request a sum that will include the things you need. If he was paying what he should and you were still asking for extra - that would be wrong. If he wants them in activities tell him it is not in your budget. There are activities my children want to do that I say no to because, quite frankly, I just can't afford them. And...I know it is hard but if he is paying his support (I know he's not) it is none of your business what he does with his other money. Does his wife work? Maybe the majority of the money is hers. If so, you are certainly not entitled to it. My dad never paid child support to my mom; always worked under the table. I think he owed over $50,000 when he died. He was supposed to pay for 1/2 of braces. Never paid and mom couldn't affort it on her own so I just never got them. Stop trying to live up to his cost of living; you will drive yourself crazy if you start doing that. Be grateful you have found someone else, who sounds very understanding. Definitely take him back and ALWAYS have his wages garnished. Good luck.

 

[PrincessV]

OP, As you're hearing, you're far from alone, I'm sorry to say. Mine hasn't paid a dime in over a year, and only paid sporadically before that. He's over $30K behind at this point. He also quit a job to be a SAHD to his new child, so there's nothing to garnish. They suspended his driver's license and take his tax refunds to pay child support, but that's about as far as it can go.

Just something to add - to the original poster, if your ex's job is now more self employeed, you may in for some big problems, especially if he can claim income as his new wife's and not his.

Yep, this.

I hate to be the voice of gloom and doom, but from my experience and from reading the experiences of many, many others... if he doesn't want to pay, and he's willing to quit jobs to get out of it, there's almost nothing you can do to make him. Go ahead and take him to court if you have the finances and time to do so, but go in with low expectations. Personally, I've given up. IF my ex ever makes money on the books, it'll be garnished, but I don't count on it; I live within my own financial means because I can't count on child support being there. No, it's not easy, but a lot less stress than wondering how I'll pay for things my son needs when child support goes missing.

Hang in there!

 

[DCLbrideSept2009]

I'd fill out paperwork to have his wages garnished so you don't have to rely on him. It sounds like, based on his lifestyle, that his child support amount is very low (unless his wife is making the majority of the money).

Two things though: Why would he pay additional money (outside the child support) for extracurricular activities? My husband pays a huge chunk of money in c/s (on time or early each month), and I would be shocked if his ex-wife actually thought she was entitled to more $$ because the kids wanted to do karate/sports/dance, etc.

And to njmom47-why wouldn't child support end when your youngest turns 18?

Not the OP but wanted to add my personal experience also. My ex-husband pays "regular" child support but is also supposed to, according to the divorce decree, pay 50% of all medical expenses not covered by insurance, 50% of school expenses, extracurricular activities, etc. This was important because both of my kids were in dance (competitively) and they shouldn't have to give it up just because dad cheated on mom and so they were getting a divorce. My oldest has also been in braces that cost me $2500 over what the insurance covered. He was supposed to pay half of that. Not to mention other medical expenses, glasses, school stuff... and now oldest is in HS and driving and there are a ton of expenses associated with all that.

However, it has been like PULLING TEETH to get him to pay any of that "extra" stuff. Yes, I could take him back to court, but I just don't have the money or energy to do it. Now that I am remarried, it isn't as big of a deal, so I haven't pushed the issue quite as much. But he is SUPPOSED to pay it.

CS isn't money that just goes DIRECTLY to the kids necessarily. It's to help put a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothing on their backs, shoes on their feet and all the many, many other expenses that come with raising kids. When I first got divorced, I was working part-time. Even with my CS, I was barely scraping by. Finally got bumped up to full-time (but only 32 hours/week) so I could get insurance benefits since after the divorce, obviously, I was dropped from ex's insurance. For 5 years, I struggled, until I met my now DH. We also have custody of both of his kids (and are NOT getting child support from his ex - we didn't even ask for it since she makes very little money) and raising 4 kids isn't cheap!

 

[soonerfan2008]

Not the OP but wanted to add my personal experience also. My ex-husband pays "regular" child support but is also supposed to, according to the divorce decree, pay 50% of all medical expenses not covered by insurance, 50% of school expenses, extracurricular activities, etc. This was important because both of my kids were in dance (competitively) and they shouldn't have to give it up just because dad cheated on mom and so they were getting a divorce. My oldest has also been in braces that cost me $2500 over what the insurance covered. He was supposed to pay half of that. Not to mention other medical expenses, glasses, school stuff... and now oldest is in HS and driving and there are a ton of expenses associated with all that.

However, it has been like PULLING TEETH to get him to pay any of that "extra" stuff. Yes, I could take him back to court, but I just don't have the money or energy to do it. Now that I am remarried, it isn't as big of a deal, so I haven't pushed the issue quite as much. But he is SUPPOSED to pay it.

CS isn't money that just goes DIRECTLY to the kids necessarily. It's to help put a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothing on their backs, shoes on their feet and all the many, many other expenses that come with raising kids. When I first got divorced, I was working part-time. Even with my CS, I was barely scraping by. Finally got bumped up to full-time (but only 32 hours/week) so I could get insurance benefits since after the divorce, obviously, I was dropped from ex's insurance. For 5 years, I struggled, until I met my now DH. We also have custody of both of his kids (and are NOT getting child support from his ex - we didn't even ask for it since she makes very little money) and raising 4 kids isn't cheap!

Yes, I do understand. We also pay 50% of travel expenses, 50% of any daycare and 50% of any medical or dental costs. We also carry their insurance. In addition, we have two daughters, so I am very well aware of what it costs to raise children.

All that said, the amount the court thinks is appropriate for their (my stepkids') needs is over $3200 a month. That includes the amounts BOTH parents are expected to contribute. It does not include any medical or travel expense, though it does include $400 a month in afterschool care. That is plenty to meet all of their needs. For our situation, neither home would expect the other to contribute to any extra activities. Again though, it doesn't matter in our situation. Mom never signs them up for anything, clothes them in rags and basically spends all of her money on herself.

I'm sorry some of you have such crappy exes. That stinks.

 

[ChisJo]

First of all I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I am also so sorry to your kids...no child should be treated like that by their parents.

My husband has a 15 year old from a previous marriage and I swear to God I would kick my DH butt if he didn't pay child support! I would lose my freaking mind! I have HUGE problems with guys who try to get away from their responsibilities...I wouldn't have married him if I saw him as a bad father. I ensure that he calls his son at least once a week (he lives in a different province), and I get plane tickets for him to visit us in the summer and over Christmas. We've also taken him on 2 vacations with us.

However, can I play the devils advocate for a moment? We go on vacations without him too. I love him to death, but even his mother who has full custody of him doesn't take him on all of her vacations. Also, my husband and me are separate financially. If I chose to get lip injections (which I wouldn't b/c botox is a POISON!), I wouldn't feel bad because I paid for it with money that I earned. Although I love my step son significantly, he is not my financial responsibility. I pay for many things for him, but thats because I want to see him and I want to do those things for him. But, if his mother asked me specifically to help cover something that is beyond my hubbies child support payments, which has happened recently, I would refuse. That would fall on his father.

 

[growinupdisney]

first of all i am so sorry for everything you are going through. I am also so sorry to your kids...no child should be treated like that by their parents.

My husband has a 15 year old from a previous marriage and i swear to god i would kick my dh butt if he didn't pay child support! I would lose my freaking mind! I have huge problems with guys who try to get away from their responsibilities...i wouldn't have married him if i saw him as a bad father. I ensure that he calls his son at least once a week (he lives in a different province), and i get plane tickets for him to visit us in the summer and over christmas. We've also taken him on 2 vacations with us.

however, can i play the devils advocate for a moment? We go on vacations without him too. I love him to death, but even his mother who has full custody of him doesn't take him on all of her vacations. Also, my husband and me are separate financially. If i chose to get lip injections (which i wouldn't b/c botox is a poison!), i wouldn't feel bad because i paid for it with money that i earned. Although i love my step son significantly, he is not my financial responsibility. I pay for many things for him, but thats because i want to see him and i want to do those things for him. But, if his mother asked me specifically to help cover something that is beyond my hubbies child support payments, which has happened recently, i would refuse. That would fall on his father.

You right she is not responsible I stated before that I knew she wasn't it just makes it hard to swallow though when I see her and their daughter and him not being affected what so ever and my children going thru this. My dh and I are able to pay for and take care of my children it will be more difficult now since we were not expecting this and now having to possible may for additional health insurance. I just needed a place to vent!

 

[hsmamato2]

Two things though: Why would he pay additional money (outside the child support) for extracurricular activities? My husband pays a huge chunk of money in c/s (on time or early each month), and I would be shocked if his ex-wife actually thought she was entitled to more $$ because the kids wanted to do karate/sports/dance, etc.

that is an awful way to think. why WOULDN'T he help pay for HIS children to have fun activities? what kind of person would think that just b/c mom and dad get divorced,it's no longer his responsibilty to help his kids and pay for their wants and needs? I am horrified by you!

 

[soonerfan2008]

that is an awful way to think. why WOULDN'T he help pay for HIS children to have fun activities? what kind of person would think that just b/c mom and dad get divorced,it's no longer his responsibilty to help his kids and pay for their wants and needs? I am horrified by you!

Be horrified by me all you want. I've taken my stepkids on the only vacations they've ever been on. I've taken them to get the only pictures they've ever had taken. I've taken them to most of their dr. appts. I've taken off more days of work when they are sick than anyone else. DH and I have signed them up, paid for and taken them to the only extra activities they've ever been signed up for--art, gymnastics, sports, swimming.

If mom ever decided she wanted to stop spending all of her money on her (and she makes more than us by about $24,000 a year once you count child support), and she wanted to sign them up for some classes? Awesome! And she can pay for it--as we've done over the years!

My husband (and I) take his responsibility to his kids very seriously. But that doesn't mean that there is any need for us to send any more money their way than we already do.

If he were paying significantly less (as in the case of the OP who gets about $350 a month), then I might feel differently. And certainly, if it were part of their agreement, I would absolutely feel differently.

I think it stinks that the OP is in the situation she is in.

 

[dfchelbay]

Be horrified by me all you want. I've taken my stepkids on the only vacations they've ever been on. I've taken them to get the only pictures they've ever had taken. I've taken them to most of their dr. appts. I've taken off more days of work when they are sick than anyone else. DH and I have signed them up, paid for and taken them to the only extra activities they've ever been signed up for--art, gymnastics, sports, swimming.

If mom ever decided she wanted to stop spending all of her money on her (and she makes more than us by about $24,000 a year once you count child support), and she wanted to sign them up for some classes? Awesome! And she can pay for it--as we've done over the years!

My husband (and I) take his responsibility to his kids very seriously. But that doesn't mean that there is any need for us to send any more money their way than we already do.

If he were paying significantly less (as in the case of the OP who gets about $350 a month), then I might feel differently. And certainly, if it were part of their agreement, I would absolutely feel differently.

I think it stinks that the OP is in the situation she is in.

I am not horrified by you. There are plenty of WOMEN out there that take all the child support money and spend little to none of it on their children. There are many men out there that pay A LOT of money for child support, yet for some women, it's not enough, they want more. Perhaps people would feel differently about who pays for what if there weren't mom's out there whose main purpose is to make it hurt as much as they can for fathers, both financially and emotionally with jerking the father around about visitation. Those are the women you need to be reminded of when a dad asks, what is all the child support I pay exactly for. How come I pay all this money in child support and its not enough for this or that too.

For what it's worth, I am married, female and I have seen all kinds in my practice. I've seen it civil and horrifically ugly. But, I have seen far more women, more interested in raking the guy over the coals financially and trying to get everything. They want the house, the car, spousal support, huge amounts of child support (not supported by the guidelines), all insurance paid by father, out of pocket paid by father, etc. and, in return, they want to give up nothing. Don't even want to get a job, in some cases...even when the children are in school full time.

Deadbeats go both ways....fathers that don't pay and mothers that take money from those fathers that do pay faithfully and do little to nothing with that money for the benefit of their children and believe that child support should be in an amount high enough to pay for all of mom's household.

I could give you literally a thousand stories about some of the nasty things I have seen play out. I know, from what I've seen, who the nasty party usually is.

 

[torinsmom]

Wow, all the moms I know who get child support get between $200 and $600/month and that isn't even enough to pay for daycare, much less food, clothes, etc. None of them are gold diggers and several agreed to less child support than the suggested amount, because they did not want to put an extra burden on the dad.

I am lucky to get the $225 that is supposed to pay for 1/2 my son's basic needs. He is on his dad's insurance, which I do thank God for. No way could I afford insurance in addition to everything else, and its the same for him whether he has 1 or 10 kids.

It drives me crazy that the stereotype of a mom receiving CS is a gold digger who doesn't even spend the money on her child.

 

[dfchelbay]

Wow, all the moms I know who get child support get between $200 and $600/month and that isn't even enough to pay for daycare, much less food, clothes, etc. None of them are gold diggers and several agreed to less child support than the suggested amount, because they did not want to put an extra burden on the dad.

I am lucky to get the $225 that is supposed to pay for 1/2 my son's basic needs. He is on his dad's insurance, which I do thank God for. No way could I afford insurance in addition to everything else, and its the same for him whether he has 1 or 10 kids.

It drives me crazy that the stereotype of a mom receiving CS is a gold digger who doesn't even spend the money on her child.

I know, it's terrible. The people you know sound like good, quality, do the right thing kind of moms and ex-wives. I so wish I saw more of that, and way less of what I do see. It's such a shame for the children especially.

Keep that good head on your shoulders and to you and all the other great, doing the right thing moms and dads out there.

 

[inkedupmomma]

I'm not sure I understand what the problem is? Although maybe NC is way different than PA? In PA, wage attachments go from job to job, unless the person moves out of state or goes off the books. PA also sends out letters of enforcement if payments are not made. It is after one or two missed payment, but usually after a month. As you said, it has been over a month with you payment, so maybe they will send a letter out? If not, you can call and they will send a letter out for you.

What you are doing is not being civil, you are letting him take advantage of you, and it is affecting your kids.

Call the courts asap and let them intervene!

 

[Singleminnie]

Wow, all the moms I know who get child support get between $200 and $600/month and that isn't even enough to pay for daycare, much less food, clothes, etc. None of them are gold diggers and several agreed to less child support than the suggested amount, because they did not want to put an extra burden on the dad.

I am lucky to get the $225 that is supposed to pay for 1/2 my son's basic needs. He is on his dad's insurance, which I do thank God for. No way could I afford insurance in addition to everything else, and its the same for him whether he has 1 or 10 kids.

It drives me crazy that the stereotype of a mom receiving CS is a gold digger who doesn't even spend the money on her child.

I am one of those single Moms who receive less than $600 total child support for all three DD's, I pay for their health insurance, the first $480 of their medical bills, and all their child care (for 2), all extra activities, lunch money, bus pass, clothes, etc. I definitely am not a "gold digger", my ex has two college degrees one which I paid for and even the judge said he was intentionally working below his ability, and agreed with our request to set child support at a higher amount than what he was earning! However, I can't get that amount because there is limit on what he can live on. He is still living in our three bedroom home we built 2 years before our divorce, and bought a new car this year (his parents pay the mortgage every month, but I can't touch them). Yet, he is taking me to court of appeals to ask for allomony and less child support! Ugh, now I am working two jobs just to support my girls and pay for atty fees and living in a 2 bedroom apt, driving my 8 year old mini van with over 152,000 miles. Yeah, being a jerk goes both ways!

 

[ChisJo]

I am one of those single Moms who receive less than $600 total child support for all three DD's, I pay for their health insurance, the first $480 of their medical bills, and all their child care (for 2), all extra activities, lunch money, bus pass, clothes, etc. I definitely am not a "gold digger", my ex has two college degrees one which I paid for and even the judge said he was intentionally working below his ability, and agreed with our request to set child support at a higher amount than what he was earning! However, I can't get that amount because there is limit on what he can live on. He is still living in our three bedroom home we built 2 years before our divorce, and bought a new car this year (his parents pay the mortgage every month, but I can't touch them). Yet, he is taking me to court of appeals to ask for allomony and less child support! Ugh, now I am working two jobs just to support my girls and pay for atty fees and living in a 2 bedroom apt, driving my 8 year old mini van with over 152,000 miles. Yeah, being a jerk goes both ways!

I have a few choice words for guys like that, but this is a disney forum...

 

[Redheaded Sunshine]

I am one of those single Moms who receive less than $600 total child support for all three DD's, I pay for their health insurance, the first $480 of their medical bills, and all their child care (for 2), all extra activities, lunch money, bus pass, clothes, etc. I definitely am not a "gold digger", my ex has two college degrees one which I paid for and even the judge said he was intentionally working below his ability, and agreed with our request to set child support at a higher amount than what he was earning! However, I can't get that amount because there is limit on what he can live on. He is still living in our three bedroom home we built 2 years before our divorce, and bought a new car this year (his parents pay the mortgage every month, but I can't touch them). Yet, he is taking me to court of appeals to ask for allomony and less child support! Ugh, now I am working two jobs just to support my girls and pay for atty fees and living in a 2 bedroom apt, driving my 8 year old mini van with over 152,000 miles. Yeah, being a jerk goes both ways!

My sympathies go to you for sure. My ex has not only worked beneath his capabilities to avoid support, he has threatened to and QUIT work altogether to stick it to me. But the only people he is hurting are his kids. Sadly in our state, the court can only force a percentage of the income, be it $10,000 a week or $10 a week. And of course my judge who acted like I was deranged when I explained that this has been threatened and said to me countless times. what can you do....

 

[torinsmom]

I'm not sure I understand what the problem is? Although maybe NC is way different than PA? In PA, wage attachments go from job to job, unless the person moves out of state or goes off the books. PA also sends out letters of enforcement if payments are not made. It is after one or two missed payment, but usually after a month. As you said, it has been over a month with you payment, so maybe they will send a letter out? If not, you can call and they will send a letter out for you.

What you are doing is not being civil, you are letting him take advantage of you, and it is affecting your kids.

Call the courts asap and let them intervene!

If his wages were garnished before, that should continue, unless the OP agreed to have it done differently and notified child support enforcement. Now, if a man leaves one job and does not notify CSE, then it could take a while for the ball to get rolling again. Once it does, the back CS should also be coming.

NC is a state that takes both parents' incomes into account. They look at combined income and how much a couple of that income would spend to raise a child for a year. Then they calculate how much of the income is the non-custodial parent's, and apply that percentage to the cost of raising a child. That is how they come up with the CS amount here. Oh, and only the primary income is counted, not second jobs.

 

[castleview]

that is an awful way to think. why WOULDN'T he help pay for HIS children to have fun activities? what kind of person would think that just b/c mom and dad get divorced,it's no longer his responsibilty to help his kids and pay for their wants and needs? I am horrified by you!

I get what she's saying. My BIL paid quite a bit of money to his ex for his daughter. The ex insisted on Catholic school for the kids and BIL paid half of the tuition which makes him a saint in my opinion. My niece is a wonderful girl, but boy did she have to get some reality injected into her after her mother apparently used the money to go out to full five course dinners regularly.

 

[cm8]

that is an awful way to think. why WOULDN'T he help pay for HIS children to have fun activities? what kind of person would think that just b/c mom and dad get divorced,it's no longer his responsibilty to help his kids and pay for their wants and needs? I am horrified by you!

I agree. Don't fault the children, they still deserve to have a life again