Evite Etiquette questions

[mamacatnv]

I received an evite to an ornament/appetizer party that my cousin is hosting. The evite was sent to both my work and my home (shared) email. The evite is not specifically addressed to me and no where on it does it address me. Would it be presumptive if in my response to the hostess I asked if I can bring DD or can I just RSVP with 2 and not even bother asking?

Same idea, different type of party. Same cousin as above is getting married. I received an evite from her Maid Of Honor to my home email not specifically addressed to me for my cousin's bridal shower, again, I am unclear as to whether I can just RSVP for myself and DD or is that rude?

This whole evite thing IMO is way too casual, especially for the bridal shower. I am totally confused, so I am turning to my Dis friends for their collective words of wisdom.

I then received a second invite (hand written and mailed via US mail to my home) to a more formal bridal shower that was actually addressed to me, by my first and last name. It was not addressed to Mrs.......Which I found peculiar and IMO a bit casual.
Since it was only addressed to me, I am assuming that DD is not invited and would not feel comfortable inquiring. I don't understand why she would not be invited, she is almost 13 and the only cousin on our side of the family, but whatever, she was not on the invite, I can respect that even if I don't agree.

 

[kwelch10377]

I would say for the ornament party to ask your cousin if the invite was just for you or was it for the whole family.

Were both invites for the bridal shower for one shower or are there 2 showers? I would imagine that the invite is just for you. All the showers that I have been too, both formal and causal have been just for adults.Things may be different in your family though.

 

[kidzmom3]

I think that I would look and see if the first party seems adult only?

for the shower, only women invited to the wedding would attend. In our family this would leave out a 13 year old.

 

[mamacatnv]

I would say for the ornament party to ask your cousin if the invite was just for you or was it for the whole family.

Were both invites for the bridal shower for one shower or are there 2 showers? I would imagine that the invite is just for you. All the showers that I have been too, both formal and causal have been just for adults.Things may be different in your family though.

2 showers. I have no experience with this, we are a really small family and there has only been 1 wedding in the past 20 years, it was my Brothers 6 years ago. DD and I were invited and attended all shower events.

For the ornament party, based on the RSVP's I am seeing on the evite I am assuming it is just girls, there are no guys listed anywhere.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think that I would look and see if the first party seems adult only?

for the shower, only women invited to the wedding would attend. In our family this would leave out a 13 year old.

Good to know, DD is "allowed" to attend the ceremony but not the reception and was not formally invited to the wedding.

I'm still keeping an eye on the RSVP's for the ornament party but am leaning towards leaving DD at home (which is fine, I'm just unclear).

 

[onelilspark]

Why not just ask who's hosting?

 

[mamacatnv]

Why not just ask who's hosting?

I didn't want to appear rude and was unsure how to proceed. The evites literally have a yes, no or maybe option. That is it

 

[kidzmom3]

Good to know, DD is "allowed" to attend the ceremony but not the reception and was not formally invited to the wedding.

I'm still keeping an eye on the RSVP's for the ornament party but am leaning towards leaving DD at home (which is fine, I'm just unclear).

not sure why the snippy answer. I was saying that if she is invited to the wedding she would be invited to the shower. In my family a 13 year old would not be invited to the wedding, therefore no shower. Pretty straight forward and non judgemental.

 

[mamacatnv]

not sure why the snippy answer. I was saying that if she is invited to the wedding she would be invited to the shower. In my family a 13 year old would not be invited to the wedding, therefore no shower. Pretty straight forward and non judgemental.

It wasn't snippy I literally meant that it was a good tidbit to know.
That is exactly what I was told by the bride a few months back when we were having breakfast. "She (DD) is allowed to attend the ceremony but not the reception."
I had no idea that an invite to one would dictate the invite to the other, thus the reason I posted the questions.

 

[kidzmom3]

ah, well then that is the downfall of the typed word. tone is assumed.

I now read you reply in a completely different light. Sorry!

 

[mamacatnv]

This is not a question to turn into a debate of whether or not DD should be invited to anything, that is not up to me and I respect the decisions being made.

This really is a how to respond to the evites type of question. Perhaps we are the only people still on the planet who have a house email where we all get things. I guess in reality perhaps the evite was sent to DH and I should assume nothing

They are not personalized, they are not sent to anyone's attention and yet in my cousin's circle they are obviously common. So for me the old timer, I'm just wondering what the expected etiquette is. Sure, I could call up my cousin and I could email the MOH and inquire, but IMO that puts them on the spot. I don't want to take DD if she is not welcome and I don't want to leave her home just to hear "ohhhh where is DD?"

I know I'll call my Auntie, the Mother of the Bride, she was grumbling about her friends who cannot understand why the only way to RSVP to the wedding is via a custom website. Several of the older members of the family don't have computers and can't figure out how to RSVP either. Bunch of old fogies the lot of us. I get the feeling we are the only ones that care about the etiquette of it all.

 

[mamacatnv]

ah, well then that is the downfall of the typed word. tone is assumed.

I now read you reply in a completely different light. Sorry!

No worries, I think someone needs to invent "tone" smilies, it is very easy to misinterpret how something is being said.

 

[rie'smom]

If your daughter was not formally invited to the wedding ceremony, then the proper etiquette would be that she is not invited to any shower.

 

[onelilspark]

I don't think it's improper, specifically when you're dealing with an online rsvp service, to give someone a call to clarify the invitation. It could be that one of the showers she'll receive some more *ahem* adult items that might not be appropriate for a 13 year old.

I'm firmly in the camp that it's better to call and clarify than to assume. Personally, I think it's rude to use the evites for something like this. Something less formal, sure. But if you're saying there's enough older relatives that don't use a computer or are confused...probably not the best method to send out invitations (but hey! it's cheap!) So seriously...go ahead and put them on the spot. You're asking an innocent question, don't feel any guilt!

Also: some people aren't aware of etiquette on sending an invitation. My fiance got an invite to a wedding from an old friend. He assumed I was invited as well because when he talked to the bride she mentioned "oh I can't wait to meet her." But the invite only had his name on it. Told him to just call and check...she didn't know that she should have put "and guest." There's a lot of rules out there!!

And for the record: your daughter is invited to the ceremony but NOT the reception? I find that to be rude. I know you didn't ask about that, but it's just my 2 cents. I have lots of opinions on weddings right now since I'm planning my own!

 

[scrapquitler]

not sure why the snippy answer. I was saying that if she is invited to the wedding she would be invited to the shower. In my family a 13 year old would not be invited to the wedding, therefore no shower. Pretty straight forward and non judgemental.

Just to muddy the waters a bit.... in MY family, kids generally are NOT invited to the wedding, but a 13 year old WOULD be invited to the shower in spite of that.

 

[Angelhalo]

I would always assume an invite sent to you (even if it doesn't mention your name) is just for you, and not a plus one unless specifically mentioned. In this case because you are unsure, I think the proper etiquette would be to call the host and ask before just inviting your daughter along to what the host may be expecting to be an adult only event.

 

[anniemae]

I think I would take her to the ornament party, I would just reply with 2 persons attending. It's not like it's a formal dinner that is catered, it's just app's so it's probably casual.

For the shower, I probably would not take dd since she is not formally invited to the wedding.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, my dd14 would not want to attend an all women ornament party if she didn't have friends there, or at least someone her age, so I wouldn't try to find out if she could come. Same with the showers. Kids are rarely invited to weddings here, but the ceremony is usually at church, open to the public, so kids can attend the ceremony. Why torture the kid with bridal showers anyway? "Ooh, towels!"

 

[tw1nsmom]

I would call and ask in both cases. I might say something along the lines of "Is this a family invitation or just me....I wasn't sure if it was just for adults or if DD was invited." I know it isn't really proper to call and as if you can bring someone, but in this case it's more of a clarification. I wouldn't assume it would be okay without asking because you don't know what type of party they intended. Maybe the ornament party was supposed to be a cocktail/girls night out party. Your host might not want children there. Along those lines, you never know what type of bridal shower is being thrown these days. It may not be the type that would be appropriate for a 13 year old girl.

Oh, and when it comes to how they addressed the mailed invite. I personally hat to be called Mrs. John Smith (names changed). I know it's technically correct, but I didn't lose my first name when I got married. I much prefer things that are addressed to me as Jill Smith or to the both of us as John and Jill Smith.

 

[golfgal]

Personally I LOVE Evites. If your DD was invited there is a way to add her to the invite so I would say she is not invited to either. It wouldn't hurt to email about the ornament party but I would consider her not invited to the shower.