Etiquette question?

[laurie31]

I'm in the camp that believes that they possibly said, "Will you join us for dinner," meaning the TWO of you, and knowing your DH is socially clueless enough to see nothing wrong with you being in jeans while everyone else is in black tie (and wow, I would have been way more upset over that than not being invited to dinner with your BIL's inlaws!) I think he just truly has no idea that couples are a social unit, period.

No, there is nothing acceptable about inviting half of a couple. I really think they will be mortified when (if) they learn you thought you weren't invited.

 

[Magpie]

Hmmm....is it possible that the in-laws just assumed that your DH would be bringing you along? Especially since you have a good relationship with their daughter and SIL?

First tho are you absolutely sure they didn't invite you?I mean did they specifically say don't bring "Jane" or did the just say "we would like you to come to dinner" never thinking he wouldn't include you?

This was my first thought. If they said "will YOU come to dinner with us?" I would assume that YOU meant both of you. (especially if it is something being planned ahead, not an improptu thing) They could be surprised that you don't come.

To the op, how was the invitation extended? Did the in laws actually call your DH and extend an invitation themselves? Or did the invitation come through your DH's brother or sister in law? I'm just wondering if something was "lost in translation".

No, there is nothing acceptable about inviting half of a couple. I really think they will be mortified when (if) they learn you thought you weren't invited.

In light of all your comments (especially Laurie's!), I casually asked my husband if there was any chance they actually meant to invite both of us.

He immediately got a bit defensive and said, "I don't know. The invitation came through my brother and he said it was just for me. There may have been something lost in the translation. If it bothers you that much I won't go."

"It doesn't bother me."

"You're still thinking about it today, clearly it bothers you!"

Sigh... "No, I just don't want them to think that I'm snubbing them. If they seem surprised that I'm not there, please tell them I would have been delighted to come but there was obviously an error in communication."

He looked a bit suspicious, but agreed.

So, if there was any cluelessness going on here, it may very well have been on my BILs part, not his in-laws. In which case, he'll no doubt hear about it from my husband - especially if the in-laws make any kind of comment!

P.S. Laurie, I WAS completely mortified that time I showed up in jeans when everyone else was in black tie. It was awful! But, to be fair to the man, he's been a lot more sensitive about it since then.

 

[rie'smom]

They snubbed you. One definition of etiquette is being considerate of others. They weren't and they breached.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Eh, I can't see why a spouse always has to be invited. These aren't any relation. I'm glad you aren't worrying too much about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think your dh has misread the "invite".

 

[DizBelle]

When is the dinner and when are we going to find out what happened?

 

[C.Ann]

I'd like to just preface this by say I'm not offended. I'm just curious.

My brother-in-law's wife's parents are in town and they've invited my brother-in-law, his wife (their daughter), and my husband out to dinner. But me? I'm not invited. I'll be staying home that night (which is actually fine with me ).

The only time we've had contact with these folks was at my BILs wedding eleven years ago. This is the first time they've ever invited my husband to dinner. My husband and I have been married for 16 years.

Now, I've always assumed that when you're issuing invitations for a family or social occasion and you invite one person, you routinely invite their partner as well. So for example, when we went out to celebrate my mother's birthday, we invited my brother-in-law AND his wife. They're a couple and they come together. Even though his wife has no connection to my mother (they've barely spoken), it wouldn't occur to us to leave her out of a social invite involving her husband.

So, I'm curious... When your family gets together for dinner, do you automatically invite their spouses? Or do you leave them out, because they're not technically family?

How strange! Of course the spouse is invited.. Was any reason given why you weren't invited? I think this is the very first time I have ever heard of a situation like this - unless there was some kind of family strife or fued..

 

[Magpie]

When is the dinner and when are we going to find out what happened?

This week... I promise I'll update!

 

[Becky2005]

OK, I might think it odd but it wouldn't even phase me.

I guess because we deal with this on occassion. We have occassions where my siblings & myself go out, without our spouses. One of our spouses always seems to be upset about it as if we are excluded only them. Umm...NO...it's just a sibling thing because we don't all live near each other so when we can all get together it's fun to just be us "kids" and talk about growing up stuff/times, etc...

I don't know, I probably wouldn't think that much of it but I'm so used to DH or myself going out to stuff without each other that it wouldn't be a big deal. Now if MY family invited just DH and not myself to something THAT would definitely be weird.

I see others addressed the "Are you SURE you weren't invited?" question because I also thought of that.

 

[powellrj]

My inlaws would have done something like this when they were alive. On second thought, in the 30+ years I have been married to their DS, I can't remember them EVER inviting anyone out to eat. They did invite us over for pizza one night and made us pay for our share of the pizza. We were so shocked when they invited us over for pizza because in all the years we had been married, inviting us over for dinner is something they never did. When they made us pay for the pizza we understood!

 

[ang]

It seems your are buddies of the brother in law and his wife..so why not just ask his wife in passing? Because if you don't show up, you will look like you are being rude. or why won't your DH ask his brother?

LOL am like you, it wouldn't bother me.

You Should have been invited. My DH would not go without me...

 

[Magpie]

It seems your are buddies of the brother in law and his wife..so why not just ask his wife in passing? Because if you don't show up, you will look like you are being rude. or why won't your DH ask his brother?

LOL am like you, it wouldn't bother me.

You Should have been invited. My DH would not go without me...

I can't think of any way to bring it up without being awkward! My SIL has never once mentioned her parents to me - or even just mentioned them in general when I was in the room. She doesn't talk about them at all. I wouldn't even know they were in town if my BIL hadn't passed on an invite from them to my husband (who didn't know they were in town, either).

I've told my husband to pass on my regrets for the confusion if they ask where I am, and hopefully they'll be good enough.

 

[need2cruise]

I can't think of any way to bring it up without being awkward! My SIL has never once mentioned her parents to me - or even just mentioned them in general when I was in the room. She doesn't talk about them at all. I wouldn't even know they were in town if my BIL hadn't passed on an invite from them to my husband (who didn't know they were in town, either).

I've told my husband to pass on my regrets for the confusion if they ask where I am, and hopefully they'll be good enough.

Can you maybe ask the SIL something like, "Hey, dh was invited to dinner with you guys and I wanted to make sure he was dressed appropriately (maybe mention the jeans/black tie incident). I wasn't sure where you were planning on taking him, but just wanted to make sure there wasnt some certain style outfit he should be in"?

That way you are indiscreetly letting her know you weren't invited so if there was a miscommunication, it can be fixed and if there isn't a miscommunication, then that also lets them know there is no hard feelings since you are wanting to make sure dh is wearing something suitable.

 

[Bob NC]

Can you maybe ask the SIL something like, "Hey, dh was invited to dinner with you guys and I wanted to make sure he was dressed appropriately (maybe mention the jeans/black tie incident). I wasn't sure where you were planning on taking him, but just wanted to make sure there wasnt some certain style outfit he should be in"?

That way you are indiscreetly letting her know you weren't invited so if there was a miscommunication, it can be fixed and if there isn't a miscommunication, then that also lets them know there is no hard feelings since you are wanting to make sure dh is wearing something suitable.

Maybe you should ask if he should tinkle before coming, in case there's a long car ride involved.

 

[Magpie]

Maybe you should ask if he should tinkle before coming, in case there's a long car ride involved.

Actually, though, I did think, "If I ever asked something like that, and it got back to my DH..."

He actually does know how to look appropriate for a dinner in a restaurant. I just don't take his advice on ceremonial functions any more.

And honestly, that was partly my fault, too. I'd never been to a university grad (I skipped mine) and I didn't think to ask my friends what I should wear. My husband said, "It's informal. Wear your jeans and something comfortable to walk in and I can take you around campus and show you everything after the ceremony's over." I thought I'd be in the back of a crowd in an auditorium. I sure was not expecting a wine-and-cheese thing!

 

[bellebud]

I casually asked my husband if there was any chance they actually meant to invite both of us.

He immediately got a bit defensive and said, "I don't know. The invitation came through my brother and he said it was just for me. There may have been something lost in the translation. If it bothers you that much I won't go."

first... too funny about your dh having you wear jeans to a black tie event. Typical clueless male (most of us have one of them, so I'm not being insulting to your dh - it's just their brain wiring).

the bolded part could be part of the problem here - any communication going through not one, but two men, can definitely be miscommunicated!

But your dh getting a bit defensive would have me scratching my head.

If it's a miscommunication, the parents will feel weird and bad that you didn't know you were invited too.

If it was totally "on purpose" with no real reason, it's rude.

If it was totally "on purpose" but with a reason (a pp said maybe they had to talk about something important - but why your dh, who is not family to them, would be included, is odd). But that would be ok. BUT if that were the case, I think most normal people would say "hey bro, my inlaws want you to come to dinner, w/out wife, because of this reason... so please tell her it's not a snub."

If it wasn't 'on purpose' and they're just clueless, well then, they're just clueless.

Can you call your sis-in-law (I would not leave this up to the men), and sweetly say something like "dh is coming to dinner - what type of restaurant is it so he knows how to dress?"... then she'll either tell you what type of restaurant, or she'll say "why aren't you coming?"

let us know what happens.

 

[Magpie]

first... too funny about your dh having you wear jeans to a black tie event. Typical clueless male (most of us have one of them, so I'm not being insulting to your dh - it's just their brain wiring).

the bolded part could be part of the problem here - any communication going through not one, but two men, can definitely be miscommunicated!

But your dh getting a bit defensive would have me scratching my head.

If it's a miscommunication, the parents will feel weird and bad that you didn't know you were invited too.

If it was totally "on purpose" with no real reason, it's rude.

If it was totally "on purpose" but with a reason (a pp said maybe they had to talk about something important - but why your dh, who is not family to them, would be included, is odd). But that would be ok. BUT if that were the case, I think most normal people would say "hey bro, my inlaws want you to come to dinner, w/out wife, because of this reason... so please tell her it's not a snub."

If it wasn't 'on purpose' and they're just clueless, well then, they're just clueless.

Can you call your sis-in-law (I would not leave this up to the men), and sweetly say something like "dh is coming to dinner - what type of restaurant is it so he knows how to dress?"... then she'll either tell you what type of restaurant, or she'll say "why aren't you coming?"

let us know what happens.

He's defensive, because if it's an insult to me that means he has to step up and do something about it. But he doesn't want to, because it's his brother, so he doesn't want to think about it - and he doesn't want ME thinking about it, either.

Two men, yes, they may be being clueless!

I've never called my sis-in-law for anything, nor has she ever called me. If she wants something (like a package delivered to my home, or a recipe) she gets my BIL to ask me. So if I called her, it would be a big deal.

I think I'll just let this play out as it will, and I'll definitely let everyone know what happens.

 

[M5ward]

Well, I definitely think there are more important things in life to worry about, but I got to wondering about it when my husband didn't understand why I thought it was odd.So I decided to toss it out here, just in case it was one of those things where there's disagreement over the polite thing to do. From the response it seems people are pretty united on this one!

My husband's comment is, "Well, they're branching out slowly!"

My husband would agree with me that it was odd that I wasn't included..and he wouldn't go without me.

 

[bellebud]

I've never called my sis-in-law for anything, nor has she ever called me. If she wants something (like a package delivered to my home, or a recipe) she gets my BIL to ask me. So if I called her, it would be a big deal.

yea, that would be weird then if you called her.

let us know the outcome, and enjoy your own evening

 

[ang]

He's defensive, because if it's an insult to me that means he has to step up and do something about it. But he doesn't want to, because it's his brother, so he doesn't want to think about it - and he doesn't want ME thinking about it, either.

Two men, yes, they may be being clueless!

I've never called my sis-in-law for anything, nor has she ever called me. If she wants something (like a package delivered to my home, or a recipe) she gets my BIL to ask me. So if I called her, it would be a big deal.

I think I'll just let this play out as it will, and I'll definitely let everyone know what happens.

it would be out of place to call...well, I can't wait to hear the end result..lol