Engagement Party Dilemma

[figaromeetsmarie]

So DD got engaged about two months ago, and we are planning an engagement party for them since they won't be married for a year and a 1/2.

So, future son-in-law's cousin wants to come. All fine and dandy! He is welcome! We he asked to bring this girl....not his girlfriend....she doesn't even live in the same state as him....and they have met all of 5? times....
To top it off she works at Hooters, and on her Facebook page DD said that all the pictures of her are half naked pictures of herself or her wearing lingerie...

My side of the family is very conservative, and don't want to see anything "hanging out" if you know what I mean.

DD and FSIN told him very sweetly that she could come as long as she dressed appropriate for the party and with nothing hanging out. (DD is conservative,too). She also told him that everyone is expected to dress that way, not just her.

His respond "Wow...just wow.. you are really that much of a goody goody b***h"

We were nice enough to say she could come and to pay for an extra person (we are catering food,etc). Were we out of line by saying that or was he?

 

[castleview]

Are all guests allowed to bring dates? I would just treat it as he's coming with a person you don't know.

 

[figaromeetsmarie]

Are all guests allowed to bring dates? I would just treat it as he's coming with a person you don't know.

Invites are addressed to that person only/couples/or families, not dates. We only wanted people there who we all personally know to celebrate with them and us.

 

[arminnie]

His respond "Wow...just wow.. you are really that much of a goody goody b***h"

That remark alone should remove any thoughts of inviting him or his guest. I wouldn't answer, discuss it, argue about it, etc. Just remove him from the guest list and go on with your happy celebration. Don't give him a second thought.

 

[DebbieB]

That remark alone should remove any thoughts of inviting him or his guest. I wouldn't answer, discuss it, argue about it, etc. Just remove him from the guest list and go on with your happy celebration. Don't give him a second thought.

I agree, that comment was out of line. Uninvite him.

 

[arubio0801]

Okay IMO I don't think what he said was right but why did he have to tell you who he was bringing? If it didn't say guest were aloud then ask and if its fine why should he have to tell you who he's bringing? And also not everyone that works at Hooters is like that,its a very bad thing to judge someone just because their a waitress at hooters. To me its none your buisness I would NEVER ask someone all these questions about some elses date!! Did the invite have the dress code on it? If it did then there was no need to tell him not to let her wear something.How do you know the photos were for work for a shoot?? If you don't know her don't judge!!

 

[Stacerita]

In you weren't allowing for him to bring a date, then you should have just stated so. Telling him what his friend should wear is out of line. You either let him bring a guest or not. You shouldn't be dictating who and how they should dress.

 

[Hannathy]

In you weren't allowing for him to bring a date, then you should have just stated so. Telling him what his friend should wear is out of line. You either let him bring a guest or not. You shouldn't be dictating who and how they should dress.

I agree! Did you tell everyone how to dress and grill them? It wasn't very nice what he said but what you did wasn't very nice either. I would actually rather have someone be the way he was than someone who looks down on people like you and your DD are. That was very rude on your part.

 

[badblackpug]

I agree! Did you tell everyone how to dress and grill them? It wasn't very nice what he said but what you did wasn't very nice either. I would actually rather have someone be the way he was than someone who looks down on people like you and your DD are. That was very rude on your part.

I agree. His answer was rude, but it was in defense of his friend. He was probably insulted (and rightly so) by your dress code edict.

 

[arminnie]

He did not receive an invitation to bring a guest. If someone asks to bring someone I did not invite (even indirectly as guest) I would certainly want to know a little more about this person.

Your life, your values. I've been to events where someone came looking like a $5 hooker (which has nothing to do with working at Hooters). It can take on a life of it's own with everyone talking about "her". You have every right to refuse to host someone who offends you.

Even if he considered it rude - it still did not give him the right to call out names. If he had any class (which he obviously doesn't) he would have taken the high road and said "thanks for the invitation, but I won't be attending".

 

[badblackpug]

He did not receive an invitation to bring a guest. If someone asks to bring someone I did not invite (even indirectly as guest) I would certainly want to know a little more about this person.

Your life, your values. I've been to events where someone came looking like a $5 hooker (which has nothing to do with working at Hooters). It can take on a life of it's own with everyone talking about "her". You have every right to refuse to host someone who offends you.

Even if he considered it rude - it still did not give him the right to call out names. If he had any class (which he obviously doesn't) he would have taken the high road and said "thanks for the invitation, but I won't be attending".

I agree that he shouldn't have asked to bring a guest, it is poor etiquette to do so, and he shouldn't have called anyone names, but 2 wrongs (actually 3 in this case) don't make a right. Once the host issued an invitation to the guest, she had absolutely no right to dictate how they dressed, unless every invitation was issued with a "dress code." ...and still, that specific of a dress code would have been rude to issue to anyone. The invitation could have said "black tie, or formal, or semi-formal, etc" ... but to tell someone you don't know, specifically what she cannot wear based on a few pictures you have seen is rude and presumptuous. I understand why the cousin was angry.

If the hosts truly did not want anyone attending that they didn't "pre-screen" then she should have simply said that they were not issuing invitations to "guests" and let the cousin decide whether or not he wanted to come alone.

 

[NHdisneylover]

LOTS of rude behaviour going on here:

First, I think it is a bit rude to invite known to you coupes as couples but otherwise only invite those whose SOs you do not know to come as singles. This is not a huge deal, but some people are very uncomfortable as a single when many others have SOs with them. It is possible tat if the cousin saw others getting invited as a pair he thought perhaps it was just overlooked that he could bring a sate (maybe because you did not know a name) and wanted to clarify--so it may or may not have been rude for him to ask to bring the girl depending on how he went about it.

Also--you say the cousin "wants" to come. Did he basically invite himself? That is pretty darned rude.

There is no "sweet" way to tell someone you think they dress inappropriately and expect them to do so at your party (especially having never met them in person and having never had any experience with them at a family event--maybe, possibly I could see doing it anyway if she had shown up widely inappropriately dressed 2-3 times before to weddings and family parties).

Cousin's reaction to being treated so very rudely was also rude and uncalled for, but I feel understandable as a knee jerk reaction to this well thought out and planned "sweet" rudeness on the part of your daughter.

In you weren't allowing for him to bring a date, then you should have just stated so. Telling him what his friend should wear is out of line. You either let him bring a guest or not. You shouldn't be dictating who and how they should dress.

This.

 

[NMAmy]

DD and FSIN told him very sweetly that she could come as long as she dressed appropriate for the party and with nothing hanging out.

I agree with NHdisneylover that there is no way to tell someone this "sweetly."

If you and your dd didn't want the cousin to bring a guest, you should have told him so. Insulting his date's POSSIBLE clothing choices before the event was rude and pretty darned judgemental. You have no idea what this woman would have worn. Did everyone get the No Slutty Clothes lecture or just him? I can see why he responded back as he did. I bet he was feeling defensive and rightly so.

Your dd and future SIL were the rude ones in this case, IMO.

 

[nmmom95]

I agree with NHdisneylover that there is no way to tell someone this "sweetly."

If you and your dd didn't want the cousin to bring a guest, you should have told him so. Insulting his date's POSSIBLE clothing choices before the event was rude and pretty darned judgemental. You have no idea what this woman would have worn. Did everyone get the No Slutty Clothes lecture or just him? I can see why he responded back as he did. I bet he was feeling defensive and rightly so.

Your dd and future SIL were the rude ones in this case, IMO.

This.

Even if your DD was polite, it comes down to the fact that she implied "Hey, tell your trashy Hooters friend to cover her b**bs for my party." What the cousin said was rude, but like NHdisneylover said, it may have just been a knee-jerk reaction to an insult.

 

[NikitaZee]

I agree with the previous posters who said no mention of his date's attire should have been made. Now that this cousin has been rude, however, I certainly wouldn't want him attending my party if I were the bride - and I think it's up to your future SIL to handle now. I would not repeat that breach of etiquette again, unless you specifically state a dress code up front, the hosts of a party really cannot dictate good taste in clothes. FWIW, I had an uncle who was known for dating women who wore skimpy clothes and used colorful language. At family events, the men got a kick out of looking at them, the wives made comments to one another about them, and us kids got a big kick out of the whole situation. Uncle and his date were oblivious and just had a good time. Makes for some fun family stories now -'remember Uncle Matt's date for Thanksgiving that year ...'. It's a celebration, everybody should lighten it up a little and not worry about one or two 'colorful' people - that's what helps make parties fun!

 

[Lionqueen2]

All DD's wedding event invitations to singles always included the words 'and guest'. I would not put a single person in a position of having to come solo. If they chose to come as a single, it was fine and their choice. I've always been taught that it was bad manners to invite someone to a social event where there were couples without allowing the single person the same option.

 

[suzanna1066@comcast.]

You were wrong and I will give him the benefit of the doubt on his reaction. I certainly would not attend your party. You made it pretty clear they aren't welcome.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

i think it is just an akward situation. the only way to make judgements about people is by their own decisions, and if she put scantilly clad pictures of herself on facebook, I wouldn't feel bad at all mentioning it to him. I might have tried casually asking for pictures of them together to see how she desses normally. his remarks were "kneejerk" and i would just ignore them.

my sister-n-law threw 2 people out of my wifes wedding shower, physically removed them. our families are both conservative, 1 of her friends brought herself a male friend to a womens only shower, on top of it all it was my wifes ex boyfriend, the freind new this and thought it would be OK because they use to be friends. my wife told my SL the stuation(wifes not confrontational, sister is) they met them at the door and SL told them she didn't want him their and after that she didn't want the friend their either. They tried to slip on passed, lets just say it didn't happen.

 

[castleview]

All DD's wedding event invitations to singles always included the words 'and guest'. I would not put a single person in a position of having to come solo. If they chose to come as a single, it was fine and their choice. I've always been taught that it was bad manners to invite someone to a social event where there were couples without allowing the single person the same option.

This.

What I don't understand is why you assumed she would dress trashy because she's a waitress at Hooters and apparently wants to model.

 

[njcarita]

i am also very conservative and come from a conservative family..... but what would the dress or lack of dress of a guest at your dinner have to do with your families idea of appropiate???... u have no control or say over someones style....