Engagement issues already....

[usd2bmd]

I agree with you. I will add the caveat that I think it's important to not absolutely dismiss the input of a close loved one simply because they're not footing some of the bill, as if somehow they matter less because they're not bringing $$ to the table to make it clear why their wish should be considered.

You're right. Money should never be the only reason you do or do not take someone's advice when planning the wedding.

 

[HM]

Maybe it's regional? lmao

By the time graduation actually rolls around the worst is well past.

College applications are done before January of Sr year - at the latest. College decisions usually handled a couple of months before graduation and not that time consuming. Most people I know don't worry about the college move until July. No class trip. Prom is a month before graduation. Class rings are purchased the fall of Junior year. Senior pictures are done during the summer before senior year. Announcements, etc are ordered in the fall. No honors night. Sports banquets are spaced out and close to their respective seasons. For example, "Senior night" for band this year is 10/28. Final musical concerts are about 2 weeks before graduation but there's no expense involved.

The pretty much sums it up for our area too. The only things I can think of that take place right before graduation that a parent might be involved in are Senior breakfast and maybe Academic awards night (everything at once).

 

[Julylady]

My sister has just two sons (no other kids). They got engaged within 2 weeks of each other. They ended up scheduling their weddings just five weeks apart. My sister's only request to the rest of her extended family was to treat each engagement/wedding independent of the other. She didn't want anything "joint" and no comparisons between the events. We all happily complied. All the women/girls bought two different dresses. We had separate showers. We never discussed one set of plans in comparison with the other. The rehearsal dinners were in entirely different locals. Each one of my nephews was best man in the other's wedding.

Everything went perfectly and they both just celebrated their first anniversaries this summer.

 

[HM]

I understand why they may have discussed it with the bride's sister, its totally understandable why they would want to work around her schedule so she could be at the wedding, and I'm sure they will try to make sure she will be available for showers, bachelorette party, etc when those are planned.
What I don't understand is why the future MIL is "being difficult" because she would like the couple to consider her schedule because she will be busy with the grooms sister's wedding and the festivities that go along with that. I get that stuff isn't important to the OP's family, and that they probably feel the sister's school schedule is a bigger consideration, when making the wedding plans, but to the future MIL, it is just as important. Which is why I'm assuming she spoke to her son about it.
My feeling is that she may be getting a bum rap for essentially wanting the same thing that the OP's sister is getting, consideration of how the timing of the wedding may effect her.


I do think that the OP's dd and the groom should plan the wedding they want, when they want. I just don't think that having a parent want them to consider how all that may effect others is worthy of being labled difficult and sucking the joy out of planning.
I do realize we aren't getting all the info so I'm just going by what I read here. There is probably alot more to the story.

The way I read it, the MIL lives in the town and would be available to attend, but she'd prefer it later on so she can help out. The bride's sister lives out of town and they are working with her schedule (assume she's also in the wedding party). If they wait until the next year, she may not be able to attend if she goes overseas and if not, they're not sure where she'll be. Having her there and knowing she can be there is essential to their plan.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I don't like the way the bride is acting - completely witchy. She worked around her sister's obligations, but not willing to compromise on the inlaws.
Not cool.
Two months is too close in my opinion.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think we are in agreement in some things, but most of us think the MILs previous financial commitment to her DD is important & should not change, period. When the OP said, her DD was planning around her sister's schedule, it became even more obvious that the MOG's opinion is insignificant. It's apparent it's about the bride's family & their schedule. To me, it's a shame that the bride or her mom appear to feel this is an "engagement issue", when in fact it's an issue the bride & her fiance created. As long as the bride puts her family first (as with her sister's schedule), & doesn't consider the groom's family schedule there will be issues. It's issues the couple are creating. The future bride & groom need to take a step back & consider both families, not just hers. At this point, it's a very one sided decision. FTR, I don't know any of these people, but from what we've been told, the bride's family seem to be making the decisions that work for their family, regardless of what works for the groom's family.

Good points but I guess I'm not seeing it from a position that the bride and groom haven't considered the groom's side. It may very well be they have considered it but decided to make different plans. I also agree that the mother-in-law shouldn't have to adjust her financial commitment to her daughter because she's been thrown for a loop having two weddings a couple months apart which is why I've made the point about the bride and groom would understand what that means by keeping their date.

As to your point about taking a step back and considering both families that is a good thing to keep in mind. In this case keeping both families in mind means changing the wedding date as the groom's family has made it clear that the date picked is not working for them. As I said before it seems to appease the masses the couple's only choice becomes to change the wedding date. Either the couple keeps the date and potentially upsets the groom's family or the couple changes the date and potentially upsets the bride's family. Both situations also can create issues the couple has for the future as far as how they view their wedding day. TBH this whole situation puts them all (meaning both sides of the family and the couple) in a bad position.

 

[Hikergirl]

The way I read it, the MIL lives in the town and would be available to attend, but she'd prefer it later on so she can help out. The bride's sister lives out of town and they are working with her schedule (assume she's also in the wedding party). If they wait until the next year, she may not be able to attend if she goes overseas and if not, they're not sure where she'll be. Having her there and knowing she can be there is essential to their plan.

That is how I read it too, and I completely understand why the bride would work around her sister's schedule. That still doesn't change anything about the issue with the MIL. The specifics may be different but it is essentially the same thing, the MIL wants her schedule taken into consideration so she can be part of their plan.
I just don't think its fair to claim the MIL is being difficult and sucking the joy out of the planning. She is the groom's mother, and probably wants to be involved as she can be in any of the planning. She clearly doesn't think its going to be possible with how close her kids weddings are and she's letting her son know that.
I wonder if the sister mentioned how that date wouldn't work for her if she would be seen as difficult and sucking the joy out of the planning?

It doesn't matter anyway, the bride and groom set the date that works for them, as they should. It would just be a shame if this was a glimpse of things to come in the relationship between the bride and her MIL.
FTR, I love my in-laws so this isn't me projecting.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It doesn't matter anyway, the bride and groom set the date that works for them, as they should. It would just be a shame if this was a glimpse of things to come in the relationship between the bride and her MIL.

Totally agree. It does go both ways: hopefully the bride doesn't feel resentment and treat the mother-in-law a certain way due to pressure to move the date and hopefully the mother-in-law doesn't feel resentment and treat the bride a certain way due to the date not being changed.

 

[HM]

That is how I read it too, and I completely understand why the bride would work around her sister's schedule. That still doesn't change anything about the issue with the MIL. The specifics may be different but it is essentially the same thing, the MIL wants her schedule taken into consideration so she can be part of their plan.
I just don't think its fair to claim the MIL is being difficult and sucking the joy out of the planning. She is the groom's mother, and probably wants to be involved as she can be in any of the planning. She clearly doesn't think its going to be possible with how close her kids weddings are and she's letting her son know that.
I wonder if the sister mentioned how that date wouldn't work for her if she would be seen as difficult and sucking the joy out of the planning?

It doesn't matter anyway, the bride and groom set the date that works for them, as they should. It would just be a shame if this was a glimpse of things to come in the relationship between the bride and her MIL.
FTR, I love my in-laws so this isn't me projecting.

Oh, I never said that the MIL was being difficult. I don't think she is.
I think she's in a tough spot.

 

[jahber]

Wow. Some people make life so complicated. It's their wedding. Let them have it when they want to. If that means future MIL can't contribute financially, or extended family can't attend, so be it. If they are ok with it, who cares? I had to move my wedding from right after Christmas to the 7th of December because my sister-in-law was due the 21st and she was a bridesmaid. Obviously we wanted her there. But that then meant none of my extended family could attend because they were all coming for Christmas. I had my brother's and sister's families and my parents and paternal grandparents. That's it. No cousins, aunts, uncles, or close family friends from out of town. But it was ok because we were grown adults who realize that life doesn't work out perfectly every time. Not even for weddings. We saw the family at Christmas and it was just fine. We also paid for our wedding ourselves, which made it easier to make decisions on our own--you know, as adults do. The OP's daughter and her fiancé aren't kids. They are full-grown adults. It amazes me how people think their parents can still dictate their lives for them.

 

[Hikergirl]

Oh, I never said that the MIL was being difficult. I don't think she is.
I think she's in a tough spot.

I know you didn't, the part about the MIL was in the OP. I didn't mean to imply you were the one calling her that, sorry.

 

[Wishing on a star]

From the original post.

Her DD (fiancées sister) is getting married September of 2017. She said they should plan on 2018 because that would be financially much better for her and 2017 is already his sisters year. (Never heard of having your own year). Fiancées sister said she has no issues whatsoever with their plans and was happy for them. Grooms mom then said her focus is on the fiancées sister for the year and doesn't have time to deal with his marriage also. ...... Next, grooms mom said she was hopeful her son would graduate and be in his field longer. Next concern was, how will you financially be able to pay student loans and live day to day. The list goes on.

I form my thoughts and opinions based upon the simple facts that are given...
Again, the above is from the original post.. And, IMHO, it says it all.... I can honestly find no excuses, at all, to justify those comments.

It is not an one particular date that just will not work with the MIL...
She has actually suggested that, according to her, this independent adult and apparently mature, couple wait until 2 0 1 8 to become married.
Not even acceptable or okay, at all. Mind blowing, actually.
She just doesn't have time, and her son's wedding is no more than an inconvenience.
There is just no justification for these types of comments

No wonder the couple have now found themselves in the position of just declining to continue to talk 'engage' with her.

Groom openly admits that he knows his mother is 'difficult'.

I have seen absolutely NO reason to assume that the bride has any strange pre-conceived in-law bias.
But those that like to call anybody with differences with their inlaws HATERS who are biased anti-inlaw, are out in full force here.

 

[Hikergirl]

From the original post.

I form my thoughts and opinions based upon the simple facts that are given...
Again, the above is from the original post.. And, IMHO, it says it all.... I can honestly find no excuses, at all, to justify those comments.

It is not an one particular date that just will not work with the MIL...
She has actually suggested that, according to her, this independent adult and apparently mature, couple wait until 2 0 1 8 to become married.
Not even acceptable or okay, at all. Mind blowing, actually.
No justification for these types of comments. She just doesn't have time, and her son's wedding is no more than an inconvenience.

No wonder the couple have now found themselves in the position of just declining to continue to talk 'engage' with her.

Groom openly admits that he knows his mother is 'difficult'.

I have seen absolutely NO reason to assume that the bride has any strange pre-conceived in-law bias.
But those that like to call anybody with differences with their inlaws HATERS who are biased anti-inlaw, are out in full force here.

You do know that 2018 starts a mere 3 moths from September right?

And the OP hasn't really gone into details, but to some of us, what she did post was not anything to prove the MIL was being difficult. Although I admit, one's "being difficult" may not be another's. Is she constantly harping on them? Is she calling around looking for other venues on specific dates for them? What exactly is she doing that is making her difficult? (rhetorical question, I don't expect the OP to tell us if she doesn't want to share that info).
To me, a mom telling her son that she thinks they should postpone the wedding isn't being difficult. She has legitimate reasons and let him know them.

 

[Wendy31]

From the original post.

I form my thoughts and opinions based upon the simple facts that are given...
Again, the above is from the original post.. And, IMHO, it says it all.... I can honestly find no excuses, at all, to justify those comments.

It is not an one particular date that just will not work with the MIL...
She has actually suggested that, according to her, this independent adult and apparently mature, couple wait until 2 0 1 8 to become married.
Not even acceptable or okay, at all. Mind blowing, actually.
She just doesn't have time, and her son's wedding is no more than an inconvenience.
There is just no justification for these types of comments

No wonder the couple have now found themselves in the position of just declining to continue to talk 'engage' with her.

Groom openly admits that he knows his mother is 'difficult'.

I have seen absolutely NO reason to assume that the bride has any strange pre-conceived in-law bias.
But those that like to call anybody with differences with their inlaws HATERS who are biased anti-inlaw, are out in full force here.

You do realize though that we're getting this information as filtered through the mother of the bride, right?

The OP is the mother of a bride & wants what is best for her daughter just like the mother of the groom is also the mother of a bride & wants what she thinks is best for her daughter.

If the OP is not being "difficult" by supporting her daughter's choice & not considering what might work better for her future son-in-law's family, then I would say neither is the mother of the groom by supporting her own daughter's interests.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

From the original post.

I form my thoughts and opinions based upon the simple facts that are given...
Again, the above is from the original post.. And, IMHO, it says it all.... I can honestly find no excuses, at all, to justify those comments.

It is not an one particular date that just will not work with the MIL...
She has actually suggested that, according to her, this independent adult and apparently mature, couple wait until 2 0 1 8 to become married.
Not even acceptable or okay, at all. Mind blowing, actually.
She just doesn't have time, and her son's wedding is no more than an inconvenience.
There is just no justification for these types of comments

No wonder the couple have now found themselves in the position of just declining to continue to talk 'engage' with her.

Groom openly admits that he knows his mother is 'difficult'.

I have seen absolutely NO reason to assume that the bride has any strange pre-conceived in-law bias.
But those that like to call anybody with differences with their inlaws HATERS who are biased anti-inlaw, are out in full force here.

You do know there are three sides to every store. One side's side, the other side's side, and the truth that is usually somewhere in the middle. Did the groom's mother really say all of 2017 was his sister's year, or that 2017 was already really busy because of his sister's already scheduled wedding and his graduation? Also, many kids will say their parent's are difficult if they do not always see things their way. It is amazing how their perception changes once they get a little older and have adult responsibilities and kids of their own.

All we have heard is from the future bride's mom. I would love to hear the groom's mom's side.

 

[sam_gordon]

From the original post.

I form my thoughts and opinions based upon the simple facts that are given...

Not really, let's see...

Again, the above is from the original post.. And, IMHO, it says it all.... I can honestly find no excuses, at all, to justify those comments.

It is not an one particular date that just will not work with the MIL...

That's your opinion. it's what you read into the statement, which is fine, but is far from a "fact".

She has actually suggested that, according to her, this independent adult and apparently mature, couple wait until 2 0 1 8 to become married.
Not even acceptable or okay, at all. Mind blowing, actually.

So it's not acceptable for a parent to suggest something to a (even a grown) child? I'm 46 years old, been married for 23 years and my parents still give me advice. Of course, I'm free to ignore the advice as I see fit. But I can't imagine it being "mind blowing", much less "not acceptable" or "not okay" to just offer advice.

She just doesn't have time, and her son's wedding is no more than an inconvenience.
There is just no justification for these types of comments

Again, this is how you're reading second hand comments (I'm guessing the MOG didn't talk to the MOB directly). Again, you're free to interpret things how you want, but don't call them "facts".

I have seen absolutely NO reason to assume that the bride has any strange pre-conceived in-law bias.
But those that like to call anybody with differences with their inlaws HATERS who are biased anti-inlaw, are out in full force here.

I may have missed it (after all, we're on page 16), but I don't remember folks assuming the bride has "in-law bias". However, there are people here (on Dis) who, every time a disagreement with in laws comes up, immediately find the in laws "in the wrong" (or "demanding" or whatever).

And wait, weren't you the one a couple pages ago who was "surprised" or something that this discussion was still on the front page, and accused people of beating a dead horse? Yet it's fine for you to come back and bump the thread?

 

[mummabear]

The second couple made the decision to have a wedding on the heels of the first. They have been told that this is a financial hardship on the family. They have every right to go ahead and have the wedding when they want. However, they need to accept the fact that they will receive less financial support than the first planned wedding. The first planned wedding should not be changed in any way to accomodate the second. They are grown ups and I assume they know this, and don't care.

It's not just financial support, she has said she doesn't have time to help plan.

The OP is the mother of a bride & wants what is best for her daughter just like the mother of the groom is also the mother of a bride & wants what she thinks is best for her daughter.

That's right mother of the groom cares about what is best for her daughter (bride) not so concerned with what's best for her son (groom)

 

[cabanafrau]

It's not just financial support, she has said she doesn't have time to help plan.



That's right mother of the groom cares about what is best for her daughter (bride) not so concerned with what's best for her son (groom)

I believe any concerns the mother of the groom expressed about what's best for her son were dismissed as mom being difficult.

 

[Wendy31]

It's not just financial support, she has said she doesn't have time to help plan.



That's right mother of the groom cares about what is best for her daughter (bride) not so concerned with what's best for her son (groom)

That's not entirely what I meant even though that's how I said it... Lol!

(My laptop is messed up, & I'm having to reply w/ my phone which is a pain!)

I just don't think it's fair to call the mother of the groom "difficult" when, basically, both the OP & the mother of the groom are acting in the best interests of each of their own families.

 

[BLAZEY]

My mum and uncle got married within about 2 months apart in 1972. My grandparents were happy to have it over and done with. They even contributed more financially than traditionally expected from the grooms family at the time. Is the groom family being expected to contribute equally to the wedding?