Empty nest Christmas - ouch!

[sasywtch]

It's happening here too and I've had a fake smile for a few months now. The good thing about the DIS is when these situations arise, you remember all the posts and think differently about things. Growing up one way, that was all I knew but reading here, you find that new gf's/bf's or new wive's/husbands have different traditions. (even though your brain knew, your heart didn't).

My DIL grew up with mom, dad and sister with no other family around. So holidays, they took trips. Here comes our family that had 25 people or more get together for everyone's birthday and all holidays. When my kids were growing up, we opened presents at our house then got calls from my nephews/nieces where we were and to get to grandmas. So off we went to my moms, open presents and ate around 1. Then around 4 we left to go to my MIL's to open a present and eat. We got home around 10. It was a packed day but everyone got to see everybody, kids played with their cousins and new toys, adults drank. When my dad died, we took my mom to my MIL's. (not so strange as my oldest sister was married to my husbands brother and grew up across from us so my mom knew her since I was 5).

Along comes my DIL, grandkids, etc....my parents and sister had passed so son had biggest house. Easier to just go there so grandkids wouldn't have to leave presents, etc. She had always mentioned how she just wanted to get out of town for the holidays. So, my only grandkids will be in DL this Christmas. But I am fortunate that I have my other 3 kids. It's just odd as first ever Christmas with no little kiddos. It appears my dd is getting very serious with her bf, they go to his mom's in the evening for holidays so have no idea when I get notice that she is doing something different for Christmas morning but I sense it coming in future years.

I was told by dd that we are to be at son/dil's house this Thursday as DIL picked that day for us to give grandkids their presents. It's especially hard because this is in place of the DL trip I was suppose to take my grandson on in July for my 60th birthday which we didn't get to go due to my oldest dd's stroke. (he has 3 one day tickets that they are trading in for a pass and 2 of those 1 days are mine they were holding for me....but whatever).

I just also said adios to a male friend I have had for years which wasn't beneficial to me. While his only child was 18 and in high school, I could see him going to ex's house with kid for holidays but the kid is 28 and just bought his own house. So this year will be different. It will be at 2nd DD's house. My sister and her son and grandkids will come since they normally go to son/dil's also. We are trying to rent a handicap van so my oldest dd can ride around and see others before/after going to dd's for present opening and dinner. If not, paratransit to/from dd's only. My other son will be there.

After reading all these stories on here and over the years, I'm thinking of ways to enlighten my life so when the kids are all with their significant others, I have options. I'm on a local neighborhood group on facebook, looking at their churches and activities. I don't know if you do gifts and if you do, ask your son and gf if there is a day they could come over for dinner and to open gifts. If your other son is a Star Wars fan, surprise him with the show in the afternoon. That might make it a little more fun for you if you got tickets and surprised him. It would give you something to look forward to.

 

[yoopermom]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their stories, it's making me feel a little better.

My DH would prefer to stay home and have it be "like any other day", but agreed as part of premarital counseling (27 yrs ago!) to do the "huge" holidays with extended family that I had grown up with and dearly loved, at least while DS was at home. So now my "fear" is that DH will want to do that, DS will be in another part of the country or with his wife's family, and I will have to grow and change .

It makes me feel "old", but, as others have said, some of my happiest memories of growing up (especially in the 60s and 70s) were huge, all day, family parties. I can still remember being very little and creeping into the master bedroom where all the coats were put on the bed, and burrowing down under them. I swear I could tell from the smell (each lady had her own perfume, many of the men smoked a pipe,cigar, or cigarette, etc) whose was whose. Sigh.....

Terri

 

[sk!mom]

If that happens to me, I’ll be so sad. I know that kids grow up and start their own traditions, but I’m not ready to give them up just yet.

My husband refuses to go to his mother’s house for the holidays. Dinner is scheduled for this Sunday and he still hasn’t told her whether we are going. My MIL blames me even though I am willing to go. Just be aware that there may be stuff in the background that is not necessarily the girlfriend’s choice.

Granted, I do not know the dynamics and completely get that family relationships can be very messy and complicated but...Have you considered what your DH's refusal to go to his mother's for holidays models for your children? Their take could well be that once you have a family of your own, you celebrate with them and not your family of origin.

 

[sk!mom]

Yeah, I am beginning to think some of the being alone is part of what is going on with Dd and her bf. I can't say he or they don't want to spend time with us as they do all the time. He is a cop and may be working Christmas Eve or he may be working Christmas Day, they keep switching his shifts.

I realized this afternoon the reason she is giving me a hard time about a time on Christmas Day is due to them trying to find time to be alone on the holiday.

I told her today to wait until we find out his schedule and we will go from there.

So please don't assume anything is wrong or you have done some wrong,op. It may just be them wanting some time alone to celebrate.

Your post made me reflect back to our early years and how we would make sure to orchestrate a holiday to allow us time alone together. I think that you may be on to something.

 

[ols386]

It’s difficult dealing with change, but you will get there, over time. You’ll make your own traditions, and maybe re-discover some things you enjoyed doing years ago, but stopped doing because you didn’t have time, and now you have the time.

I’ve been an empty nester for awhile now, and I couldn’t be happier. Not that I wouldn’t love to spend more time with my kids, but still pretty happy.

 

[Tattylou]

My kids are still little (they are 7 and 9). Reading these posts reminds me that I need to be grateful and savor every minute of Christmas magic with my little boys, who still believe in Santa and won't always be little.

I hope you all find ways to enjoy the holidays even if it is bitter sweet.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

"Tradition" it's so comforting when it's a loving memory. But do we hold on to those unrealistically? I think of myself and my family. I've spent almost every single Christmas EVE of my 56 years with the same persons ( my dad's side incl. uncles aunts cousins) from a young child to teen years, a young adult, a married woman to bringing my own children and now grandchild. As I write this, there is no word on who, if anyone is hosting the get-together this year. The irony here is that my father, the "patriarch" so to say as he is the oldest relative at 83 in now in his last chapter of life and home with Hospice. Is my family too afraid to inform us when a celebration will occur or is this "the Year" when the tradition is broken? I do not care right now, as My sister and I and my mother ( with dementia) are going thru the worst time of our lives right now. I always thought that when my children finally had their own S/O's or kids then we, ourselves would break away and celebrate in our own small group. This I believe will be the year that happens, just not how I had envisioned it.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

OP, I know change can be difficult and the holidays can be an emotional time, but I think you need to extend a little more understanding to your son and his girlfriend. As someone who spent about 15 years of my adult life splitting all my holidays between my family and my DH's family, both immediate and extended, I completely understand their desire to have a low-key celebration at home. Because here's the thing: Holidays aren't enjoyable for the people who have to spend all day in the car driving from one gathering to the next, keeping an eye on the clock for when it's time to head to the next house, juggling everyone else's wishes for how the holiday should be celebrated while never getting to make their own plans for what they might find enjoyable. I finally put an end to it, and for the first time I started to enjoy the holidays instead of dread them. I only wish I'd had the good sense to do it years ago.

Your son and his girlfriend drove 800 miles round trip to do the big Thanksgiving hurrah with your family -- I'd say they already put in a good showing for this holiday season. Presumably, the girlfriend didn't get to see her family at all for Thanksgiving? But you want them for Christmas too?

Whatever compromise they come up with to best balance both of their families and their own desires for how they would like to celebrate the holidays, please cut them some slack. No one is going to appreciate being pressured or guilted, and I promise you would much rather have them visit out of their own free will instead of out of a sense of obligation. I completely understand wanting to have everybody together at the same time, but as your kids grow up and new people come into the fold, you need to be flexible. You might have to celebrate the weekend before or after, but you can't expect that everyone will be available on the actual holiday. There are only so many hours in the day and not enough time to please everyone.

I also noticed you keep talking about this as though the girlfriend is the reason they're not coming over for Christmas, as though it was her idea and your poor son is at the mercy of this controlling woman. He's an adult capable of making his own decisions about where and with whom he'd like to spend Christmas. This may have been a mutual decision or it may have been his idea altogether.

 

[disykat]

For me, it's not really about traditions. We're pretty flexible in general. It's more that two weeks ago they were coming and now they're not - for no real reason. I want them to have their own traditions, but I wasn't really expecting it to happen until the kids were older and making a life with someone else. This is our son who has always liked to visit us. DH and I were talking tonight and totally agreed that if it had been our younger son we wouldn't have been surprised by it at all!

A lot of my feelings are tied up in me thinking his girlfriend doesn't like me. I've gotten along well with past girlfriends, but this gal (who I actually like a lot and I think is a great fit for my son) and I haven't really connected. They've been dating a year and a half, but if we don't spend time together we can't get to know each other. I was looking forward to having them here without a whole bunch of other people since it was just going to be us. Hopefully they'll come another time. Unfortunately I work most of the week between Christmas and New Year's while they and my husband and younger son all have it all off. Then DH and I leave for New Year's weekend to go visit extended family.

 

[disykat]

OP, I know change can be difficult and the holidays can be an emotional time, but I think you need to extend a little more understanding to your son and his girlfriend. As someone who spent about 15 years of my adult life splitting all my holidays between my family and my DH's family, both immediate and extended, I completely understand their desire to have a low-key celebration at home. Because here's the thing: Holidays aren't enjoyable for the people who have to spend all day in the car driving from one gathering to the next, keeping an eye on the clock for when it's time to head to the next house, juggling everyone else's wishes for how the holiday should be celebrated while never getting to make their own plans for what they might find enjoyable. I finally put and end to it, and for the first time I started to enjoy the holidays instead of dread them. I only wish I'd had the good sense to do it years ago.

Your son and his girlfriend drove 800 miles round trip to do the big Thanksgiving hurrah with your family -- I'd say they already put in a good showing for this holiday season. Presumably, the girlfriend didn't get to see her family at all for Thanksgiving? But you want them for Christmas too?

Whatever compromise they come up with to best balance both of their families and their own desires for how they would like to celebrate the holidays, please cut them some slack. No one is going to appreciate being pressured or guilted, and I promise you would much rather have them visit out of their own free will instead of out of a sense of obligation. I completely understand wanting to have everybody together at the same time, but as your kids grow up and new people come into the fold, you need to be flexible. You might have to celebrate the weekend before or after, but you can't expect that everyone will be available on the actual holiday. There are only some many hours in the day and not enough time to please everyone.

I also noticed you keep talking about this as though the girlfriend is the reason they're not coming over for Christmas, as though it was her idea and your poor son is at the mercy of this controlling woman. He's an adult capable of making his own decisions about where and with whom he'd like to spend Christmas. This may have been a mutual decision or it may have been his idea altogether.

Geez, really? I don't think you read my posts at all. We all went to visit family at Thanksgiving at my son and his girlfriend's request. First time I've spent Thanksgiving with that family since before I had kids. We don't generally travel for holidays, nor will I expect my kids to. DS and his girlfriend both live close to us so travel is not an issue here. We're very flexible about holidays, but not so flexible that a last minute decision to ditch us doesn't hurt. Yes, I'm "blaming" the girlfriend - who I've said many times that I like - because son had very specifically told me he wanted to be here this year. (It's the last Christmas here for a staff member at the church he grew up in and he wanted to come.) I don't really have a problem with her not wanting to be here, I get it, but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed. You are putting YOUR issues on me and I don't really appreciate it. Girlfriend's family live on another continent. I'm not trying to keep her from them. As I stated before, DS has gone to other girlfriend's parents on holidays in past years and I don't have an issue with that. I have done NOTHING except be disappointed in a last minute change for no apparent reason and dared to discuss it on an anonymous forum. Sheesh!

 

[LSUmiss]

For me, it's not really about traditions. We're pretty flexible in general. It's more that two weeks ago they were coming and now they're not - for no real reason. I want them to have their own traditions, but I wasn't really expecting it to happen until the kids were older and making a life with someone else. This is our son who has always liked to visit us. DH and I were talking tonight and totally agreed that if it had been our younger son we wouldn't have been surprised by it at all!

A lot of my feelings are tied up in me thinking his girlfriend doesn't like me. I've gotten along well with past girlfriends, but this gal (who I actually like a lot and I think is a great fit for my son) and I haven't really connected. They've been dating a year and a half, but if we don't spend time together we can't get to know each other. I was looking forward to having them here without a whole bunch of other people since it was just going to be us. Hopefully they'll come another time. Unfortunately I work most of the week between Christmas and New Year's while they and my husband and younger son all have it all off. Then we leave for New Year's weekend to go visit extended family.

Sometimes your gut is right too even though I know that might sting more right now. Maybe she doesn’t want to do his family tradition b/c it’s not important to her. I would especially think this is true if
your son suddenly changed what he said he was doing. Unfortunately, I have personal experience with this. And, I’ll admit I’ve also even been on the other side when I was younger convincing my boyfriend (now DH) that his mother’s request for the holidays were unreasonable (which they really weren’t in retrospect). So the gf could be part of the issue although there is nothing you can do. But, as I got older, I started to realize so were our parents & our priorities changed. We started trying to spend as much time with them as possible especially holidays (both his & mine). Thankfully we did this as my dad is not with us for the first time this Christmas. I am so thankful we made a point to spend Christmas with him as I can’t inagine how I would feel if I would have missed his last one. I don’t think you should guilt him into anything, for sure, b/c that won’t be effective & could have the opposite effect that you desire. But, I think it’s fair to tell him that you’re disappointed b/c you were looking forward to it. I think that if you are too laid back sometimes you can get taken advantage of b/c ya know the whole squeaky wheel thing. If they think it doesn’t bother you, then won’t ever worry about changing it.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Geez, really? I don't think you read my posts at all. We all went to visit family at Thanksgiving at my son and his girlfriend's request. First time I've spent Thanksgiving with that family since before I had kids. We don't generally travel for holidays, nor will I expect my kids to. DS and his girlfriend both live close to us so travel is not an issue here. We're very flexible about holidays, but not so flexible that a last minute decision to ditch us doesn't hurt. Yes, I'm "blaming" the girlfriend - who I've said many times that I like - because son had very specifically told me he wanted to be here this year. (It's the last Christmas here for a staff member at the church he grew up in and he wanted to come.) I don't really have a problem with her not wanting to be here, I get it, but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed. You are putting YOUR issues on me and I don't really appreciate it. Girlfriend's family live on another continent. I'm not trying to keep her from them. As I stated before, DS has gone to other girlfriend's parents on holidays in past years and I don't have an issue with that. I have done NOTHING except be disappointed in a last minute change for no apparent reason and dared to discuss it on an anonymous forum. Sheesh!

Yes, of course I read your posts before I commented. That's how I knew they drove 800 miles to spend Thanksgiving with your family and that you're blaming the girlfriend for their not wanting to come to your house for Christmas.

I'm not "putting [my] issues on [you]," I was explaining how the expectations to attend family gatherings can put stress on people and I think they've made a reasonable compromise -- They did the big extended family celebration on Thanksgiving and now they want a quiet, relaxed Christmas. Have you asked if they would be available to come celebrate another day with you other than the 25th?

 

[disykat]

Yes, of course I read your posts before I commented. That's how I knew they drove 800 miles to spend Thanksgiving with your family and that you're blaming the girlfriend for their not wanting to come to your house for Christmas.

I'm not "putting [my] issues on [you]," I was explaining how the expectations to attend family gatherings can put stress on people and I think they've made a reasonable compromise -- They did the big extended family celebration on Thanksgiving and now they want a quiet, relaxed Christmas. Have you asked if they would be available to come celebrate another day with you other than the 25th?

There's a difference between reading and making an effort to understand what the issue is. Everyone else here seems to understand that my feelings were hurt. I'm not sure why you need to chastise me. IMO, trying to get them to come another day would be doing exactly what you are accusing me of doing. I am not going to guilt them into celebrating another day, my post was about working through my feelings. Not all families have holiday "requirements," but all families do have feelings that sometimes get hurt. Yes, I "blame" the girlfriend for the sudden change in plans - that doesn't mean I hate her or don't understand her viewpoint. I'm just disappointed.

I find it hilarious that you think I am what I'm not - rigidly inflexible about holidays. That is not the issue here AT ALL! DS is actually the one who planned our "holiday Schedule" this year, which is why the last minute change has been such surprise. HE wanted to travel at Thanksgiving to see extended family and HE wanted to do Christmas at our house so he could come to our church. The reason he probably feels comfortable asking to change things is BECAUSE we are always flexible. Again, that doesn't keep my feelings from being hurt.

I'm so glad most people understood that this was about hurt feelings, not about insisting things are done my way as you seem to think it is.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

There's a difference between reading and making an effort to understand what the issue is. Everyone else here seems to understand that my feelings were hurt. I'm not sure why you need to chastise me. IMO, trying to get them to come another day would be doing exactly what you are accusing me of doing. I am not going to guilt them into celebrating another day, my post was about working through my feelings. Not all families have holiday "requirements," but all families do have feelings that sometimes get hurt. Yes, I "blame" the girlfriend for the change in plans - that doesn't mean I hate her or don't understand her viewpoint. I'm just disappointed.

You're upset that your son has made plans for Christmas that don't include coming to your house. I suggested you try to be understanding and flexible, and perhaps see if there is another day that would work better for them so that everyone can get what they want. You = a gathering of the whole family at the same time. They = a quiet Christmas with each other that doesn't have them spending two hours on the road. I don't see how that's chastising you in the least.

 

[disykat]

With the help of some wonderful posters on this thread last night I processed through my disappointment without ever having any intentions of trying to "get what I want." No need for anymore flexibility than that IMO!

 

[moon]

OP, I know change can be difficult and the holidays can be an emotional time, but I think you need to extend a little more understanding to your son and his girlfriend. As someone who spent about 15 years of my adult life splitting all my holidays between my family and my DH's family, both immediate and extended, I completely understand their desire to have a low-key celebration at home. Because here's the thing: Holidays aren't enjoyable for the people who have to spend all day in the car driving from one gathering to the next, keeping an eye on the clock for when it's time to head to the next house, juggling everyone else's wishes for how the holiday should be celebrated while never getting to make their own plans for what they might find enjoyable. I finally put an end to it, and for the first time I started to enjoy the holidays instead of dread them. I only wish I'd had the good sense to do it years ago.

Your son and his girlfriend drove 800 miles round trip to do the big Thanksgiving hurrah with your family -- I'd say they already put in a good showing for this holiday season. Presumably, the girlfriend didn't get to see her family at all for Thanksgiving? But you want them for Christmas too?

Whatever compromise they come up with to best balance both of their families and their own desires for how they would like to celebrate the holidays, please cut them some slack. No one is going to appreciate being pressured or guilted, and I promise you would much rather have them visit out of their own free will instead of out of a sense of obligation. I completely understand wanting to have everybody together at the same time, but as your kids grow up and new people come into the fold, you need to be flexible. You might have to celebrate the weekend before or after, but you can't expect that everyone will be available on the actual holiday. There are only so many hours in the day and not enough time to please everyone.

I also noticed you keep talking about this as though the girlfriend is the reason they're not coming over for Christmas, as though it was her idea and your poor son is at the mercy of this controlling woman. He's an adult capable of making his own decisions about where and with whom he'd like to spend Christmas. This may have been a mutual decision or it may have been his idea altogether.

I'm really not getting your post. Plans had been made, and suddenly changed with no real reason given. The OP is naturally disappointed and hurt by that, so she is venting here, WITH US. Nowhere she said she has guilted them, or was planning to guilt and pressure them them into spending Christmas with her. She even said they had every right to spend The holiday as they wished, just as the OP has every right to feel the way she does. From her OP it looks like neither the son or the GF know, or will ever know, how she is feeling.

 

[SteveH]

So both my boys are getting close to that stage in life and I can recall the expression on my moms face when my brother didn't come home one year, I did but once we had kids that changed.

My 2 cents worth. Don't take the stockings down. No need to fill them, but they are a reminder of memories of good times and of changes. Kids come back, sometimes only when they need something and sometimes when they figure out they miss that tradition and knowing the door is always open to return. Our oldest has been with his sweetheart since Middle School, both are not out of college and she has her own stocking and she knows she's part of the family - one day hopefully really part of it but we just want our kids to know they are welcome.

I am sure the first year they are both gone will hurt, but the next year, unless there are grand kids, we'll be off doing something with just the two of us, but we'll still put up the stockings.

 

[disykat]

Girlfriend had a stocking too. I made it for her last year. That said, I did take them down and I feel better with them down. Great memories, but we're in a different phase now - just a year earlier than expected. DH and I had already discussed when we put them up that this was probably the last year I'd be doing them. (We've been kind of assuming DS will be engaged or married by next year so this was his last year as a "child.")

It's funny because before this whole thing yesterday I'd read the thread about ornaments making people sad and couldn't relate much. Then an hour later I could totally relate! For me the stockings won't be missed if they aren't up, but empty ones seems sad.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I'm really not getting your post. Plans had been made, and suddenly changed with no real reason given. The OP is naturally disappointed and hurt by that, so she is venting here, WITH US. Nowhere she said she has guilted them, or was planning to guilt and pressure them them into spending Christmas with her. She even said they had every right to spend The holiday as they wished, just as the OP has every right to feel the way she does. From her OP it looks like neither the son or the GF know, or will ever know, how she is feeling.

I was trying to tell the OP that she shouldn't let herself feel so hurt by her son's decision to spend Christmas with his girlfriend. The son and girlfriend put a ton of effort into spending one of the major holidays with the family just a couple of weeks ago and now they want to make their own plans for Christmas, which IS a real and valid reason to opt out of the larger family gathering. There's nothing wrong with them wanting to spend the occasional holiday together wearing pj's all day, watching bad made-for-tv movies, playing board games, building a snowman in the yard, whatever they want to do. It's not a personal slight against the OP that her son has broken away from how their family has traditionally celebrated the day. It just means he has other people and plans to consider now as well.

Although, I'll admit to now being confused as to what plans were in place and whether or not her son actually cancelled on her. Originally, it sounded like nothing was set in stone, just a basic idea that she'd see her son sometime in the vicinity of Christmas because that's how it's always been. Like when it was mentioned at Thanksgiving her son may have shrugged and said, "Yeah, I guess we'll be there," because he hadn't discussed it yet with his girlfriend and when they did discuss it, they decided on other plans:

...I know one son will be home and I thought (assumed, my bad) the other son and his girl friend would be coming either for the night if they wanted to go to Christmas Eve church with us or maybe just Christmas Day for dinner. Last I heard (when we talked about it at Thanksgiving) they were planning to come. I just found out they are going to make other plans and start new traditions. OK.

....

But now I see the OP's gone back and edited an earlier comment to me to include this:

I find it hilarious that you think I am what I'm not - rigidly inflexible about holidays. That is not the issue here AT ALL! DS is actually the one who planned our "holiday Schedule" this year, which is why the last minute change has been such surprise. HE wanted to travel at Thanksgiving to see extended family and HE wanted to do Christmas at our house so he could come to our church. The reason he probably feels comfortable asking to change things is BECAUSE we are always flexible. Again, that doesn't keep my feelings from being hurt.

I'm so glad most people understood that this was about hurt feelings, not about insisting things are done my way as you seem to think it is.

Now it sounds like the son was the one taking charge and making very specific plans and everyone else was just going along with what he wanted to do. So, yes, if he cancelled on a whim leaving everyone else in a lurch when they could've otherwise made other arrangements for Christmas, that's pretty screwy of him and the OP has a right to be irritated.

 

[disykat]

??? There is no "lurch," they're just not coming. Yes, we made our plans around him - because he is our SON and we adjust for each other. I'm disappointed - like I've said all though this thread. We had plans, that I thought were firm, and he changed his mind and is no longer coming. As I said, as of Thanksgiving they were coming, now they are not. Nothing was edited about that ,nor did I edit the parts you highlighted - only added detail as the thread continued and you started challenging me as to what gave me the right to think we had plans. (the only editing on that post happened immediately after posting before anyone else posted, just like I'm editing now - that does not change any content.) I assumed our plans were firm, he changed his mind. I admitted that was an assumption on my part. You seem intent on nitpicking and assigning blame when that is not what this thread is about at all. It is about growing pains as kids grow up and leave the nest.

It never occurred to me this thread would turn into who has a right to have feelings. I know that when I post something publicly it opens it up for a discussion. However, I never expected this kind of nastiness on something so normal as having sad feelings when your kids aren't coming home for Christmas! I never once insinuated my son and his girlfriend don't have the right to do whatever they want - quite the opposite. This thread has NOTHING to do with who has the right to make Christmas plans.

As I've said many times, I've moved past the sad feelings I had last night when I posted. Thanks to those who helped!

I'm sorry if I somehow stirred up a difficult issue for you, because you've clearly got something that is coloring the way you are reading this thread.