Empty nest Christmas - ouch!

[disykat]

Christmas has been getting smaller for quite a few years and I thought I was prepared, but....

We've always celebrated holidays with 4 families, and two of them have moved away. The two families remaining have gotten smaller as kids grow up and aren't always home, etc. This year the other family will all be out of town so it was going to be just us. I know one son will be home and I thought (assumed, my bad) the other son and his girl friend would be coming either for the night if they wanted to go to Christmas Eve church with us or maybe just Christmas Day for dinner. Last I heard (when we talked about it at Thanksgiving) they were planning to come. I just found out they are going to make other plans and start new traditions. OK.

I thought I was prepared for my kids to do this. They'd have trips planned, they'd move away, they'd have work, they'd have in-laws to celebrate with. I guess it didn't occur to me they'd just decide they just plain didn't want to either come over or invite us over. We already planned our trip to visit extended family for a different time knowing our kids wouldn't be going with us for that.

This son only lives an hour away and is not engaged or living with his girlfriend, so the "establishing our own traditions" caught me really off guard.

I guess I'm taking down the stockings I just hung yesterday. Looking at them is making me feel bad!

I've always prided myself on being very laid back, but guess I'm one of "those moms" that can't let go.
I'm just really caught off guard!

Be gentle with me, I know they have every right to do this! It's just so unexpected this year that my feelings are very tender.

So - what do we do on Christmas Day with only 3 people?

 

[kimblebee]

I’m sorry your plans aren’t going as, well, planned.

I will be in your boat sooner than I care to think about. My daughter is 17 and is thinking about going away to school next year. I will feel empty when she’s gone because for so long, it was just me and her.

As hard as it is, maybe it’s time to make some new traditions for yourself. And, maybe, others will join in with you in a year or two.

 

[jevs]

Christmas has been getting smaller for quite a few years and I thought I was prepared, but....

We've always celebrated holidays with 4 families, and two of them have moved away. The two families remaining have gotten smaller as kids grow up and aren't always home, etc. This year the other family will all be out of town so it was going to be just us. I know one son will be home and I thought (assumed, my bad) the other son and his girl friend would be coming either for the night if they wanted to go to Christmas Eve church with us or maybe just Christmas Day for dinner. Last I heard (when we talked about it at Thanksgiving) they were planning to come. I just found out they are going to make other plans and start new traditions. OK.

I thought I was prepared for my kids to do this. They'd have trips planned, they'd move away, they'd have work, they'd have in-laws to celebrate with. I guess it didn't occur to me they'd just decide they just plain didn't want to either come over or invite us over. We already planned our trip to visit extended family for a different time knowing our kids wouldn't be going with us for that.

This son only lives an hour away and is not engaged or living with his girlfriend, so the "establishing our own traditions" caught me really off guard.

I guess I'm taking down the stockings I just hung yesterday. Looking at them is making me feel bad!

I've always prided myself on being very laid back, but guess I'm one of "those moms" that can't let go.
I'm just really caught off guard!

Be gentle with me, I know they have every right to do this! It's just so unexpected this year that my feelings are very tender.

So - what do we do on Christmas Day with only 3 people?

Christmas trip. Go and be a tourist somewhere.

 

[disykat]

I'm already looking at what there is to do fairly nearby. I have to work on the 23rd, sing at church on the 24th, and work on the 26th, so no going away last minute. Even more weirdly, we may end up at our closest city - which is where DS lives. Sigh.

 

[AquamarineSteph]

I know this is a shock. I understand what you're saying.

But Christmas with three people is better than Christmas with two or even just yourself. You may not have what you wanted for this year, but you are still lucky compared to many.

I'd think about doing something different this year. A different holiday meal - something to focus on the one child who will be home. Something - anything - different. Make a reservation to eat out. Spare yourself the dishes. Volunteer to serve somewhere on Christmas Eve/Day. As much as it may feel like the end of things, eventually this may turn into something bigger and better. You may not feel it now, but there will be more to come. Just - be gentle on yourself and do the best you can to make it special for you and the people around you.

 

[yoopermom]

I can sympathize. Our only child is graduating from college this weekend, and already has job offers in different states, so I know this could be the last "traditional" Christmas that we have with him. Luckily his long term GF likes us and has already spent many holidays with us, but we're sure they will get to the point where they want to make their own plans, as well.

There is something off putting, though, when they don't want to spend *any* of the holiday with you, despite living close by. I have a cousin who I am very close to, who hurt his parents terribly last year, when his wife decided they were having a Thanksgiving at home with just the two of them and their kids, for the entire day, despite living literally around the corner from his parents. (She posted a running commentary on facebook, which never helps.)

Hang in there. Do "something", and plan something great for yourself for next year.

Terri

 

[disykat]

Thank you, I'm feeling better already. I guess I just thought we had plans already and to find out we really don't was a surprise. I'm trying to figure out what changed and why. DS's girlfriend is very nice, but we just haven't really bonded. I'm guessing she had enough of us at Thanksgiving since she visited extended family with us. I think she is "the one" and we are happy about that, but this doesn't bode well for future holidays even if we do live close by.

I'm not finding much that will be open either here or in the city. Right now I'm leaning towards dinner out (maybe a hibachi steak house?) and a movie. Some restaurants and movie theaters seem to be open. If it were just DH and I we'd probably just stay home and treat it like another day except for church, but our other son will be with us. I want it to be fun for him.

I've had lots of great empty nest holidays before establishing traditions with our kids, but it means planning ahead and inviting people not last minute. We'll do that in the future with no problem now that we know family holidays aren't a given anymore - this one just came as a surprise!

 

[karensi]

Nothing to suggest or add, just wanted to give you a

 

[mamamary]

I'm not sure what to suggest either. Our gatherings are getting smaller too. A few deaths we weren't expecting the last two years and a few divorces that are throwing off the whole dynamic. One group is celebrating the 23rd instead of the 24th like we always did. My family can't make the 23rd so I will miss seeing the group with all the new kids in my family. Also my kids are getting older and I know that maybe at some point they will want to do different traditions and I will def. be sad so I totally get what you're saying

 

[anniemae]

I think dinner out and a movie sounds wonderful.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm sorry. Our son wasn't able to make it home for Thanksgiving this year. That was a first for us and it certainly felt odd. Big hugs as you work on making new traditions!

 

[ThistleMae]

As you get older and the kids have their own families, it changes and changes over and over as the years go by. This year, for the first time, I will be alone on Christmas day. I could drive to Maine, 3 hours away to spend it with my sister and nephews, but I really don't want to do the drive. So...it will be Christmas movies and maybe a special meal just for me. I've been watching Christmas movies for a couple of weeks now, and crying just thinking about all the wonderful times gone by. Life moves along so quickly and it seems as you get older your memories go back even further, to when you were little and how magical Christmas was, and missing my parents and grandparents. I wouldn't give up not one of these memories in spite of how much I miss my loved ones.

 

[NYCgrrl]

These are the golden years when you can do what ever you want.
My first solo holiday started as a tearfest. Decided to get over self and take a walk down Madison Avenue to see the decorations and it filled my heart with much joy so I sent the waahambulance back home empty.

Think of those magazines and books you read and thought: "Oh wouldn't _________ be wonderful in December?
Eat in a nice restaurant with not a paper napkin in sight.

Go see near or far holiday displays without the worry of "Where is Johnny? Susy stop sticking that penny in your nose!

Make new traditions and enjoy until the grandchildren come and you're back to baking cookies again. Oh and they'll be even more fun to make the 2nd time around .

 

[luvsJack]

I understand. My oldest is out of the country for the month of December so his wife and kids will spend time with her family and we will do something when he gets home. With the other two it's just trying to find a time between work and other family but when Dd suggested the 23rd or 26th or just waiting until her oldest brother gets home, it almost broke my heart! But now reading your post makes me feel fortunate that at least we will gather at some point.

I haven't had a Christmas morning without one of my kids in 35 years! It was just last year that Dd was still getting me up way too early!


I think though, in your place, I would ask the son that will be with you what he would like to do. Perhaps an easy meal or snacking all day in pjs and watching movies. Or a fancy dinner out and seeing the decorations in the city. Just make it a day of bonding and relaxing with the three of you.

 

[ThistleMae]

Change is hard for everyone, and change at the Holidays can be very emotional. I'm glad my kids are happy and have their own traditions. One son is single and does things with friends. My other son lives in Colorado. My daughter does her own family thing. I'm glad they will be fine when I'm gone. It may sound depressing but life does go on for the kids, once we old folks pass away, and they have their good memories of "once upon a time."

 

[sk!mom]

Christmas trip. Go and be a tourist somewhere.

I'm already looking at what there is to do fairly nearby. I have to work on the 23rd, sing at church on the 24th, and work on the 26th, so no going away last minute. Even more weirdly, we may end up at our closest city - which is where DS lives. Sigh.

I'm sorry. Our holiday celebrations are changing too. From very large and boisterous to much smaller and quieter. I don't really mind but I'm trying to make it fun for those who really are feeling it. I know that it will continue to change as DD graduates college in May and is in a long term relationship.

If I were you, I would withdraw singing at church on the 24th and try to get off either the 23rd or 26th so that a small quick trip is possible.

If that doesn't feel right then I would go ahead and buy tickets to Star Wars for Christmas day if that is something that your son would like and then plan a favorite meal for your small group. Maybe something really expensive like Prime steaks and lobster tail.

Hugs to you, these transitions are tough especially when they catch you off guard. Plan ahead for next year and go somewhere beautiful.

 

[Minnesota!]

My Christmas changed, too, when my dad died 18 years ago. The big extended family just stopped getting together. It's like my mom and I and my brother were forgotten about. It is very hard to go from that loud, joyous celebration to...quiet, small.

Then, my mom and my brother moved away. And my IL's died. So, it is just me, DH, and my kids. So, we found something new. We go to church, then we go to Buca...which is loud, joyous and familiar to my earlier celebrations. Then we go through the wealthier neighborhoods and look at Christmas lights. It is such a nice, balanced night. I know it will change again once my kids are fully grown, but I hope that I have a little more warning than you did; I am sorry you were so caught off-guard, and I hope you are able to find something fun and family-centric to do.

 

[RangerPooh]

Our Christmas's have been getting smaller for years as we don't live anywhere near family, and even when we did love near DHs family they didn't want to join us. So it's just our family of 6 and my parents. We don't really do anything different for holiday's than a normal day, but try to watch a movie as a family and possibly have a special treat as we want the kids to enjoy the day. This year we're at WDW, so it will be a different experience as Christmas with my parents will be a few days before we leave on our trip.

 

[Micca]

Sounds like an excuse to stay in pajamas till Noon, watch Disney movies and play happy music. If you enjoy cooking a big meal you can do that...and it'll be ready whenever it's ready. If you'd rather you can stock the fridge with graze-able food & treats and everyone can nibble at will (be sure to get Will's permission for this) If one is so inclined you could have ingredients for mimosas and bloody marys, and of course there's no Diet Coke today--you go for the real thing!

Maybe everyone is scattered about this year but at least everyone is happy & healthy.

 

[Mickeypooh99]

I'm sorry. Change is hard. The "kids" in our family are starting to grow up and move away as well. This may be our last Christmas with all of them here. My niece moved out of state, and my oldest son wants to move out of state in the fall. We are a close family so it's difficult. I'm very happy my niece is flying here for Christmas this year, but aware it won't be long before we can't all be together at Christmas.