Email from a friend

[cm8]

I'm surprised at all the naive people in here. It is a very slippery slope. You should not be having drinks with someone of the opposite sex without your spouse knowing. And if the friend gets annoyed by the OP's concern, then she is the immature one. Everyone that cheats don't go out looking to cheat and are not all bad people. Sometimes, it "just happens". Old friends that haven't kept in touch are more inclined to cheat with each other because they "think" that they know each other. They remember all the good things from the past and are usually unaware of current issues, especially if things are bad at home. If you can help someone, you help. If she was drunk, would you stop her from driving? Or would you "mind your business" because she might get mad?

I agree, I would not want my place or meeting being the slippery slope that he slipped down

 

[Pakey]

I'm surprised at all the naive people in here. It is a very slippery slope. You should not be having drinks with someone of the opposite sex without your spouse knowing. And if the friend gets annoyed by the OP's concern, then she is the immature one. Everyone that cheats don't go out looking to cheat and are not all bad people. Sometimes, it "just happens". Old friends that haven't kept in touch are more inclined to cheat with each other because they "think" that they know each other. They remember all the good things from the past and are usually unaware of current issues, especially if things are bad at home. If you can help someone, you help. If she was drunk, would you stop her from driving? Or would you "mind your business" because she might get mad?

I'm far from naive. I've been married the 2nd time for 30 years; my first marriage ended after 7 years because he cheated. I know that my current husband would not cheat; I don't have to monitor his activities to know this. And my first husband would have cheated regardless of what I did to monitor some "slippery slope".

The OP doesn't know this guys wife or anything about the wife; the friend isn't sure if the wife knows or not. I'm not understanding what the OP intends to do other than perhaps give up these friendships.

 

[kt_mom]

I simply plan to call my friend and ask her when I have the chance. I did not want it to be an email conversation though. I don't think for a minute that she would get into an affair with this guy. But just because they don't end up in bed together doesn't mean that the relationship is appropriate.

And its not that I have a problem with friendships between the opposite sex even if one is married. One of my husbands close friends is a woman that he knows from college. He has gone to visit her when he's been in her area. It doesn't bother me though because it was not a secret.

As far as the get together goes, again I'll simply ask.

I guess I'm just bothered by the whole thing I guess. My friends intentions may be fine in all of this but it doesn't mean his are and its his wife that the secret is being kept from. For all I know she has no problem with it, but I imagine if that was the case that his visit with my friend would not need to be a secret.

 

[brockash]

I don't see the issue either. I think that because you have been betrayed, you are projecting your experience into this situation.

My husband couldn't care less if I hung around an old friend, whether male or female. I feel the same way.

I agree. It kind of sounds like OP is jumping the gun here. So far, it doesn't sound like anything is wrong with what's going on...I mean, for all you know the wife does know and doesn't have a problem with it, so I'd be very careful before you come across as accusing your friends of doing anything inappropriate.

 

[Allison]

I simply plan to call my friend and ask her when I have the chance. I did not want it to be an email conversation though. I don't think for a minute that she would get into an affair with this guy. But just because they don't end up in bed together doesn't mean that the relationship is appropriate.

And its not that I have a problem with friendships between the opposite sex even if one is married. One of my husbands close friends is a woman that he knows from college. He has gone to visit her when he's been in her area. It doesn't bother me though because it was not a secret.

As far as the get together goes, again I'll simply ask.

I guess I'm just bothered by the whole thing I guess. My friends intentions may be fine in all of this but it doesn't mean his are and its his wife that the secret is being kept from. For all I know she has no problem with it, but I imagine if that was the case that his visit with my friend would not need to be a secret.

You keep talking about a "secret" but you don't know if it is one. You have made an assumption not based in fact.

You hav no idea what the married couple has discussed and are making big leaps to your conclusion.

 

[kt_mom]

You keep talking about a "secret" but you don't know if it is one. You have made an assumption not based in fact.

You hav no idea what the married couple has discussed and are making big leaps to your conclusion.

Actually I think I said that I asked my friend if the wife knew and she said no.

I talked to my friend tonight. We talked about the trip and I asked her about him. She said he contacted her awhile back when he was going to be in her area for work and they met up for drinks. Since then they have spoken several times over the phone. According to a conversation they had its pretty clear the wife does not know. I commented that she should be careful that she didn't want to end the being the bad person in all this and she said she knew that she looked at him as an old friend but was kind of weird about the whole thing. She said she didn't like to get involved in other people's business but that he had made some comments regarding doing things (not involving her) that she thought was not right.

I asked her if he came to this get together in august would he be bringing his wife. She said she didn't think so but didn't know. I said that none of us needed to get involved in something that could be an issue and she agreed. She said she had though that she would just put it out there on facebook about the meet up and that way if he came he came but his wife would know that's what was going. I mentioned another guy friend of ours that had wanted to meet up if we ever did and she said we should mention it to him too.

I never thought that she would do the wrong thing, but that maybe she didn't recognize it for what it was or is or maybe isn't. But I think that she does and is prepared to deal with it. We would all like to see him but not behind his wife's back. And I think after talking to my friend she agrees for the most part.

Those of you that say you trust your spouse and never worry and don't want to pry, that's all well and good, but nothing is certain and no amount of trust will keep your spouse from cheating, just like no amount of snooping will either. It was just a few year ago that I was one of you. If I learned nothing else through all of it, its that even good people can do bad things. I've worked things out with my husband and I trust him and I don't snoop on him anymore and haven't for a very long time. But I do trust my gut now and wouldn't hesitate to question something if my gut said I should. Once you take off the rose colored glasses its a whole different world. I love my DH very much and I'm thankful every day that we have gotten to where we are now. But I'm a different person because of it.