Elderly people losing their filter

[Inigo]

This was my grandmother. Her philosophy was "I'm old, I've lived a long time, I can say whatever the hell I want!" Try dealing with that logic. As a PP said, being with older people in public is like being with young child in public. You never know what they're going to say, but you do know it will be at the worst time possible.

My MIL is the same way. She says she has to say this stuff because if she holds it in she'll raise her blood pressure and have a heart attack.

I have crohn's disease, which is focused in my intestines. One day she was being very hateful, and used her line about the heart attack. I replied, "Well, I guess that means I have to tell you what I think then. If I hold it in my intestines will explode and the crap (I used the other word!) will really fly." That shut her up for a while.

My MIL has always had a sharp tongue though. My MIL, who married her daughter 49 years ago, says she has been like that as long as he has known her. I'm lucky, I guess, in that I'm so much younger than the rest of them, so I haven't had to put up with it as long.

 

[PrincessParty]

My younger DD, age 9, has learned to say "Be nice Grandma" to my Mom.

 

[MouseKTeer]

I so understand this. Without going into detail, I had family members who'd belong in this thread. Sometimes it was already part of their personality, which seemed to get more pronounced as they aged; in the other person it was dementia/Alzheimer's.

Strategies? Ignore, or change the subject with the person with dementia; get them to focus on something else. Their ability to learn is just gone. As I think about it, maybe that would work with the other situations too. If the innocent object of the scornful comment is facing you, an apologetic smile and a simple "sorry--he/she doesn't realize..." from you may help. But mainly for yourself, be aware that your family member's talk and actions are theirs, not yours. That does not reflect anything at all about you. Just like your children grow up and are out of your control after a certain point, your older relatives definitely are beyond your control.

If you picked up on the past tense in my first sentence, you know that these loved ones are gone. I miss two of them very dearly and would love to hear the sound of their voice, regardless of what they were saying.

 

[goofyernmost]

What do you do when the elderly loved ones in your life lose their filters? You know how they'll just say whatever is on their mind, no matter how much it offends people. My dad was always pretty bad, but at least my mom was around to keep him in line. But with her gone, he's just out of control and doesn't think about anything he's saying. Last night I'd taken him to a funeral viewing of a friend and he was cussing about the lighting in the funeral home. His doctor says it's not dementia (yet), but it is so hard to handle nonetheless.

The worst is his bigotry. He'd always kept it to himself for the most part, but now he'll say anything, especially when it comes to his outrage over a black president.

Maybe this is a vent more than anything, but I'm just wondering how many others are dealing with this right now.

From reading all the posts here so far, I have to say that this isn't a one size fits all topic. As a person ages, they don't lose their filter, they just exercise the right to keep it turned off. Most of us, myself included, care a whole lot less about what we say because we are no longer trying to impress or influence anyone. That doesn't mean that we are necessarily insulting or hurtful. Being bigoted was ingrained long before they got old. What they have lost is the ability to hide their ignorance coupled with the feeling that their opinions are always correct and should be voiced.

Those people that utter hurtful and outrageous things need to be chastised for it and shown that no matter what the age it isn't a free license to hurt others. That said, the filter can and does naturally get shut off when seeing something that others are afraid to state. In my younger years I might have held in things like my opinions of what a 350 person looks like in a tight tank top...I don't anymore but I don't necessarily voice it within range of the individual unless they are rude to me or my family. Then and only then, I will let it go.

When you get older you realize that you don't have a lot of time left and you tend to express yourself in a more honest and forthright way. If it's done to be mean it is because the person always was mean, you just didn't notice it as much before that. I, for example, have always been against, in principle, the concept of "political correctness" just because of the built in bigotry connected with it. I tend to say that things that everyone else is thinking but are afraid to say because they don't want to be not be thought of as part of the herd.

I no longer give a tinkers damn what others think of me, so I express myself, in my way and if others think it is bad...that is their problem.

It's a very complex psychological thing that cannot be dismissed as a product of old age caused by a breakdown in mental capacity. Most older people know exactly what they are saying but just don't care what others think about it. But don't worry we will all be gone soon enough and then the only ones left to embarrass you will be your children until you start embarrassing them. It's a continuous cycle.

 

[bettyann29]

as I sit here reading all these posts I keep thinking you guys are talking about my dad.. Its not something that just started as he's gotten older.. its just gotten worse as he's gotten older.. its always been there..

My niece just got married a month or so ago and he started in DURING the ceremony..of course it was quiet in the the church and as my niece and her future hubby are standing at the alter you could hear my dad saying "Did he just get his hair cut?? Boy oh boy.. he looks like he has a chili bowl haircut!! Look at it".. me and DH were sitting in front of my mom and dad and all I could hear her say was "hush Rudy..this is a wedding".. EVERYONE could hear them.. This was just one of the things he did.. He was doing this the entire time.. (when he was saying this about the haircut, he was referring to the groom!)..

Last year me and DH took my dad to New York City for a mini vacation.. it was me, DH, DS, DSS and my dad.. I was on pins and needles the whole time cause I didnt know what he was gonna say and to whom he was gonna say it..

 

[VickiVM]

I so understand this. Without going into detail, I had family members who'd belong in this thread. Sometimes it was already part of their personality, which seemed to get more pronounced as they aged; in the other person it was dementia/Alzheimer's.

Strategies? Ignore, or change the subject with the person with dementia; get them to focus on something else. Their ability to learn is just gone. As I think about it, maybe that would work with the other situations too. If the innocent object of the scornful comment is facing you, an apologetic smile and a simple "sorry--he/she doesn't realize..." from you may help. But mainly for yourself, be aware that your family member's talk and actions are theirs, not yours. That does not reflect anything at all about you. Just like your children grow up and are out of your control after a certain point, your older relatives definitely are beyond your control.

If you picked up on the past tense in my first sentence, you know that these loved ones are gone. I miss two of them very dearly and would love to hear the sound of their voice, regardless of what they were saying.

That's really the only way to deal with this. BT,DT. You cannot change your loved ones communication style. You just have to patiently get over it. This is a common topic with me and my girlfriends and we are learning a new way to communicate with our parents.

 

[BelleWDW]

LOL! I can relate to this topic

My elderly Mom and I were looking at pictures of a recent Family reunion , when she said "What do you think of that retarded girl who went to the reunion?" I think she is your cousin Ed's daughter"

Luckily, she said this to only me-and not to the family.

"no Mom." I said-"don't you remember that is Sue, your brother andy's daughter. She is my cousin Ed's SISTER"

She looked at me with a blank look-had no clue who this person was. It shocked me.

 

[Pakey]

I haven't noticed the loss of filter so much as I've noticed my mother's inabiliy to control her temper (my parents are +/- 80 now). This woman, who was always so easygoing, flies off over anything; very unpredictable. It started about 10 years ago and has progressively gotten worse. She will call me, scream at me, hang up on me without allowing me to respond to whatever sin I have allegedly committed and then calls me a week later screaming because I haven't called her.
She yells at my brothers too. Unfortunately, we don't spend as much time with my parents anymore because she's gotten very unpleasant. My father seems to be able to tune it out.

 

[Carly_Roach]

But mainly for yourself, be aware that your family member's talk and actions are theirs, not yours.

Ditto. DH's family certainly has a few of the "loud and obnoxious" kinds of people and when they say something that obviously offends someone else, that person looks at the person making the statement, not the family around them. We just kind of shrug it off, like "What do you want us to do about it?"

I've had my share of comments directed my way about how FAT I'm getting and how that's the reason DH and I never reproduced. I've found that just looking at them achieves three objectives:

1. It doesn't give him the satisfaction of seeing he's upsetting me. It's the look that says, "I heard you. I really don't care. You're insignifant in my life."
2. Other family members become uncomfortable because they know the loud, obnoxious one is wrong. The more he tries to make me feel bad, the more obvious it becomes that he's the one with no manners.
3. Other family members are grateful that no loud fights are breaking out because I'm not picking up the bait. And "Uncle Charlie" doesn't get invited to as many gatherings as we do.

But you have to have a tremendous amount of self-esteem for that to work. Fortunately for me, I do.

So there's really no way to "handle" those who have lost their filter - either unintentionally or intentionally. They simple get treated like they should be; people don't want to be around them so they don't get invited anywhere.

 

[powellrj]

We went to the movies yesterday and I thought of this thread! I met a group of ladies who left their filters at home!

We got there early to get seats and get settled. A group of elderly ladies came in just as the trailers started. They then try to decide where to go to dinner, had a comment about every person and movie trailer and were just plain loud and obnoxious.

I am the queen of non confrontation so I let it go until the movie started and they were still at it! I turned around and said please be quiet, the movie has started. One of the bitties said, they can still talk, the movie hasn't started yet. I turned back and said, its started, SHUT UP. They did quiet down a little, but still chattered during the movie. I would have moved, but I don't see well in the dark and was afraid I would fall.

When the movie was over I turned to DH and told him this is why we rent.

I thought these women must be real joys to their families!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I have come across lots of people of all ages, that either had broken filters or didn't have one to begin with.

Blink. Distract (Holy Cow! Is that Air Force One?). Move on. (That color looks nice on you...).

 

[MushyMushy]

We went to the movies yesterday and I thought of this thread! I met a group of ladies who left their filters at home!

We got there early to get seats and get settled. A group of elderly ladies came in just as the trailers started. They then try to decide where to go to dinner, had a comment about every person and movie trailer and were just plain loud and obnoxious.

I am the queen of non confrontation so I let it go until the movie started and they were still at it! I turned around and said please be quiet, the movie has started. One of the bitties said, they can still talk, the movie hasn't started yet. I turned back and said, its started, SHUT UP. They did quiet down a little, but still chattered during the movie. I would have moved, but I don't see well in the dark and was afraid I would fall.

When the movie was over I turned to DH and told him this is why we rent.

I thought these women must be real joys to their families!

Older ladies are the worst for talking in the movies, I've noticed!

It also reminds me... last weekend my friend and I had a yard sale. There were quite a few elderly women outright complaining about us right in front of our faces for this, that or the other reason. It's like they thought it was a retail store or something, the way they would go on. Seriously, for the 25 & 50 cents we were selling things for, just hit the bricks, ladies.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

What I wonder - was this what they have been thinking all along, just applying the filter? If so, the people that I have seen with this "affliction" are not nearly as nice as I once thought them to be, nor were they ever...

 

[lsyorke]

LOL! As a nurse of 25 years I could tell you stories about the "loss of the filter" with patients. Little old ladies who were prim and proper their whole life suddenly become totally outspoken. Some are exceptionally funny.

 

[MushyMushy]

What I wonder - was this what they have been thinking all along, just applying the filter? If so, the people that I have seen with this "affliction" are not nearly as nice as I once thought them to be, nor were they ever...

I don't believe it's always the case that the person was hiding some sort of nastiness. I think it just comes out in the form of extreme irritability or intolerance that wasn't there before.

In the case of my dad, the nastiness was always there, but he could be tactful enough to hide it and knew when and where it was inappropriate to cuss the way he does.

 

[Lanshark]

Duct Tape

 

[Nik's Mom]

Oh, I thought this only happened in my family. Take my mom, for example. She was always such a kind person. She did have the mouth of a truck driver though. She cussed like crazy when she was younger. Well, now that she is older, she has stopped cussing, but I discovered that she is very prejudice! I cannot believe some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth. I'd rather hear her drop the [edited]than some of her more recent comments!

 

[livie1205]

It does not bother me at all...they have lived LONG AND HARD and they can say whatever they want...

 

[MushyMushy]

It does not bother me at all...they have lived LONG AND HARD and they can say whatever they want...

Not in my house, they can't. I won't allow my dad to spew his racist garbage in front of my family just because he's older now. I won't put up with that from anybody no matter what the excuse is.

 

[Jeafl]

My grandparents were famous for this in their later years. My grandfather got hit by a car while in a crosswalk, and his case went to court. My parents had arranged for a lawyer for him, and the first time my grandfather saw the lawyer was the first day in court. The lawyer had been born with a deformed arm, it was only about a foot long, and only had 2 fingers. When my grandfather saw him he said LOUDLY to my mother (and consequently the entire court room) "What's with his arm? Is that an old war injury??? Must be hard to eat or hold a pencil!!"

OMG! We were mortified!

My grandmother lived in nursing home her last few years, and she became meaner than a snake to anyone not in our family. We were in the elevator with her and it stopped on another floor. A woman with a walker tried to get on and my grandmother saw her coming and hit the "door close" button! I quickly hit the "door open" button and let her on. The woman very pleasantly said "Hello Frances, I see you have your lovely grandchildren visiting you today" So what does my grandmother say "Yeah, and they are here to see ME, not listen to you babble".

I seriously wanted to die of embarrassment.