Eep! My son got in trouble at school for the first time today...(long post)

[BedKnobbery2]

Got a phone call at work today from my younger son's (he's 9 years old) teacher......she called to let me know he'd been involved in an 'incident' at school with another boy, they were passing notes with 'inappropriate words' on it. She was obviously in a busy area and didn't want to elaborate (I could hear several people in the background) and said she was calling to A. let me know she'd be sending a photocopy of the note home, for me to read, sign, and return on Monday and B. because my son was hysterically crying because he was sure he was going to be grounded for a year or worse. I asked only if he had written anything threatening, and she said no, but I could see the content of the note when it came home.

Now, keep in mind that my son is a popular, straight A student, and the teachers always comment about how kind he is to other kids during our conferences. He is by no means an angel--I know he can be mouthy--but overall, the general consensus is that he's a good kid. So I was really puzzled over what in the world got into him.

Fast forward to this afternoon.....I get the note, and on one side is an acronym of my son's name, with a naughty and/or insulting word spelled from each letter of his name. For example, if his name was....Dan.

Donuts
Are
Nummy

(except put cursewords in) and then signed by the kid who wrote it. On the other side, my son had written "This describes *insert kid's name here*" and drawn an arrow to the other side of the paper.

We talked about the fact that he shouldn't pass notes in school, and what a better course of action might have been (ignore the note passed to him, throw it away, etc.). I also asked if he and this boy got along, normally. He said they did not. I suggested then just avoiding him if possible, and sticking to the kids he knows and likes. I then said that I would talk with his dad about it, but otherwise there would be no punishment. (In our house, you would think "telling dad" is worse than any other punishment I could dream up.) His dad and I discussed it at length, and he felt as I did, and will talk with our son about it when he is at his house on Sunday.

He also expressed that he hoped the other kid got in more trouble. My feeling on that is, it isn't my business. I do know the note was sent home to his parents, too, and its their choice on how to deal with it.

Just kinda curious on how other parents might've handled this. If my son had been the one writing the naughty words, there'd certainly have been heck to pay. But my general feeling is, his response was pretty natural.

 

[mrsv98]

Sounds like a normal 9 yo thing to do. Since it a) wasn't about another student or teacher and b) wasn't threatening then I think a little "talking to" is just right.

I still remember the first time I got in trouble for talking, I had to go sit in the naughty kids area of the cafeteria. Geez, I still remember that feeling!

 

[Mimi Q]

I agree with you seems like a typical 9 yo response. It doesn't seem like a big deal. I don't really understand why the teacher called you and sent the note home.

 

[kasar]

It sounds like you pretty much handled it the right way. While it's not the most horrible thing in the world (especially when you consider what is going on in schools these days!) you did need to address the situation, which you did. I would just make it clear what your expectations are and make sure your son knows that you do not want to receive another call from his teacher on anything like that again. Maybe think up a way to handle things that come up in the future. It sounds like you and his dad have a good handle on things and hopefully this will be an important lesson for your son (and hopefully this will be the worst you have to deal with!). In my opinion, you did a good job on this one.

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by Mimi Q
I agree with you seems like a typical 9 yo response. It doesn't seem like a big deal. I don't really understand why the teacher called you and sent the note home.

I agree....doesn't seem like a big deal to me....
Way back when my godson Matt was in kindergarten I picked him up from school and he was crying about a note he had in his backpack that his mom had to sign, I asked him what it was for and he said he was saying potty words....now I am thinking the worse...we drive to his moms work so he can get it over with and she opens it and busts out laughing....his teacher was complaining about his terrible potty mouth...he said pee pee and poopy......give me a break LOL!!

 

[Bojangles]

I am puzzled as to why she would bother you about this, especially since it wasn't your child that used the bad language. Your son's part in that sounds pretty minor, certainally not bad enough to warrent a phone call and photocopied note to sign sent home.

 

[shortbun]

you did good Mom!
Sounds like the other kid is a little bully.

 

[TIGGERSMOM]

On the other side, my son had written "This describes *insert kid's name here*" and drawn an arrow to the other side of the paper

Since it a) wasn't about another student or teacher

Umm maybe it's just me but he did write something about another student. While he may not have done the original curse words he did turn the note onto another kid.
This is bullying. If you have ever been the butt of name calling in school it is not pleasant.

As for punishment, I would say if you covered the fact that what he did is just as bad as what the other kid did you are right on. But if you laid all the blame and focus on the other kid because you are focusing on language well I think you might have missed the teachers point. Why do you think she sent the note to "both" sets of parents.

I would have made my son apologize to the kid he wrote the not about - if he knows about it.

Just my 2 cents

 

[BedKnobbery2]

Originally posted by TIGGERSMOM
Umm maybe it's just me but he did write something about another student. While he may not have done the original curse words he did turn the note onto another kid.

I'm sorry, I should've been more clear--the name he wrote in there was the name of the kid who had written & signed the note, not another child altogether.

If he HAD written it about another kid, I would've been very upset (hence my initial question asking if he'd threatened anyone). My feeling on it was *he* was threatened, and his response was along the lines of "I'm made of rubber, you're made of glue, anything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."

A friend of mine asked what I would've done if my son had written the initial note. I said, first and foremost, he'd write a letter of apology to the boy, his parents, and his teacher. Come to think of it, maybe a note to the teacher apologizing for disrupting the class is in line. Although we've already closed the issue, so I'll need to think about revisiting it, since I'd already told him there'd be no other punishment.

Thanks for your (and everyone else's) thoughts.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would express to your son to NEVER put anything in writing, about anything, ie NO NOTES! It is good advice and if he takes anything away from this incident this is good info to live by when it comes to school survival.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

Originally posted by The Mystery Machine
I would express to your son to NEVER put anything in writing, about anything, ie NO NOTES! It is good advice and if he takes anything away from this incident this is good info to live by when it comes to school survival.

LOL You are so right, MysteryMachine. Come to think of it, it's good prep for being a CEO or politician, too!

 

[TIGGERSMOM]

I think you handled it perfectly in that case. Sounds like you have a great handle on it. Maybe make him write the note for himself, may make him think a bit. You don'y have to turn it into the teacher.

Been there done that. You will survive. I made it through to the other side despite kids like this note writer you will too.
Good Luck.

 

[letfuller]

You handled it very well. Coming from a teacher's point of view, I can only assume that the teacher called to demonstrate to the other students that this type of behavior will NOT be tolerated in her classroom. It is a form of bullying and we may have done the same antics when we were younger. Bullying is the hot topic in schools these days. I think the teacher acted accordingly. You and your husband are obviously good parents, you would be amazed at the parents that aren't concerned.

I wouldn't expect your son would need to apologize to the other student, the teacher perhaps. I know that I have appreciated the students coming back to me to apologize for inappropriate behavior.


Linda

 

[honeywolf7]

I think you handled it right.
I still remember the first and only time I got in trouble at school for talking in class....the teacher put a piece of tape across my mouth (I was in 1st Grade.) From then on, I was always quiet in class and kind of rolled my eyes at the students who were talking and wouldn't let the rest of us learn.

 

[CEDmom]

I think what you handled it really well. I also think the teacher did the right thing. This type of behavior needs to be stopped immediately before it goes too far and really hurts someone. I think the fact that your son was scared out of his wits at what might happen to him was punishment enough.