Dysfunctional Families

[California Girl]

I read many of the threads concerning families and their dynamics. It seems that there are a lot of people that don't deal well with or get along well with mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, inlaws of all shapes and sizes....you name it.

Almost daily someone is venting about not letting grandkids with grandparents, the rights of inlaws, why husbands don't stick up for their wives, why wives always have problems with MILs. The most vocal posters seem to take the attitude that if you don't like the way I do things, you don't need to have anything to do with me. In other words, it's my way or the highway. Doesn't this just lead to dyfunction among families?

My dad drank. I don't and the kids know it. My kids knew that, but I never disrespected my father in front of my kids.

We all have differences. By choosing to remove my children from my father's drinking or insisting that he not ever drink around them would have resulted in them missing out on knowing their grandfather to the degree they came to know him and love him. By the way, he's gone now.

Post after post I see people who seem to have vowed never to expose their children to things that they don't agree with. It seems to me that at some point in time, your children will be missing out on something special and that is a relationship with their relations.

My inlaws didn't always buckle the kids in seatbelts. We told them we'd like them to make sure the kids were buckled in. They never used seatbelts. They raised their kids in a different time period, without all the paranoia, but they meant no harm.

My SIL goes to a church that worships in a different style than mine. Should I never expose my children to another style of worship for fear that they grow up to make their own choices?

Am I the only one who feels this way? Are there a whole lot of people who seem to have to control every aspect of their kids lives? How are they to grow into functional members of society unless they see real differences within their own families.

Are we so insecure as parents that we think that anything we disagree with will influence our children in a negative way?

 

[kdibattista]

 

[paigevz]

I do agree that differences can be educational and enlightening, broadening children's horizons.

However, when the differences are safety issues, like your example of seatbelts, or likely to expose the children to emotional distress, I do think it would be best to put the parental foot down or not allow the children to be alone with the family members who might damage the children, well-meaning or not. This is hitting close to home as my son was just in a major accident and escaped without major injury only because he was in a seatbelt in the back seat. My mother is still in hospital from the accident.

Also, I can see theologically, how some faiths can be SO fundamentally different from others that someone would not want their child, while still young, to be influenced by the "wrong" one.

So, I agree and disagree..........how's that for on the fence?

 

[tevagirl]

Dysfunctional Families?
Where do I sign up?

 

[MAKmom]

Move over & make room for me.

 

[JoyG]

I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family...mother walked out (but came back 4 years later), dad was a compulsive gambler...

and I do have quite a few ghetto relatives...lots of drama with the cousins...

But I'm happy to say I am still close to all my relatives. I take them in short spurts at a time and I love them. My kids are too young to notice the idiosycracies (sp?). Right now all they will remember are the good times. And I hope that my immediate family and how we live our lives can be a positive influence on others, so we try not to shun anyone.

ETA: After reading some of the posts, I wanted to add, I don't leave my kids alone with any of the dysfunctional ones, but we visit them often...and I offer to take the kids and supervise activities to the zoo, museum, etc.

 

[kydisneyfans]

Do parents that take social security numbers of their minor children, set up utility bills in their names, run them for six months without paying, then restarting under another child's name qualify for disfunctional?

Or how about charging nearly $5,000. in furniture and appliances on their own mother's credit card the day she died so the bill would not have to be paid.

And how about taking the only daughter who has been successful in life and making her feel guilty because she does not send money 300 miles to "support" them weekly.

I think that qualifies as a disfunctional family.

 

[LuvN~Travel]

Unfortunately, there are some dysfunctional family members that it wouldn't be prudent to expose your family to. My natural maternal grandfather was paranoid schizophrenic. And, when he was drunk, he was homicidal. Nope, wouldn't want my kids around that. (not to mention he was just plain mean even when sober). My husband's real mother was very abusive to him as a child, both physically and another way, hint. I've always been glad she died two months before we got married. If I'd found out before then what I found out later, my kids would never have visited her. My husband also has a cousin whose husband is also a pedophile. I'm not leaving my kids alone around him, and would actually not prefer to be in his presence since I would have to watch them continuously.(or would have to in the past, they're big enough to squawk now, and would!)
Also, if parents or other relatives don't make rational judgements, I wouldn't want to leave my kids in their care. I've always made my kids wear their seatbelts, for example. I fully expect my family to abide by that kind of common sense values.
I can sympathize and empathize with many of these posters.
As for life styles, I wouldn't shelter them from all. They have to see some examples whether right or wrong, to give them experience in life judgements.
But, I would seldom second guess any poster as to some of their reasons for avoiding dysfunctional family members!
Kim (jmho)

 

[Caradana]

You're talking about the issue of insulation - the idea of restricting your kids from exposure to lifestyles or choices you don't agree with - that doesn't really fit cleanly against the topic of dysfunctional families, though. There are a lot of fully "functional" families that cloister themselves from everything that they don't agree with (those are the kids who go apebadwordI'mnotwriting in college, ha).

I think it comes down to this: how much does someone else's behavior or choices bother you? If you're not easily bothered - I'm not, for example - you're willing to put up with a lot more than the people who feel like every disagreement is a direct attack on their morals or values. I'd be OK with my kids spending time with an alcoholic grandparent. I definitely wouldn't be OK with my mother stealing my identity. How much do things bother you, and what kind of things? Where do you fall on the continuum?

 

[CEDmom]

This could get interesting.

I agree in part that exposing kids to different ideas and ways of doing things is actually a good thing. It helps them accept different people and learn that most things aren't black and white.

That being said some of the things you mentioned are just down right dangerous and I wouldn't not expose my child to that. If other family members couldn't understand that's their problem. The one that comes to mind in your post is your in-laws not always buckling your kids into the car. That to me is a deal breaker with regard to letting my child go with someone. Taking my child to a church different than the one we go to isn't a big deal assuming nothing is being sacrificed . So like everything this isn't a black and white issue there's lots of gray areas.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As an adult you should be able to recognize the difference between dangerous, clueless, mentally ill, and annoying.

The job of a parent is to determine which spot on the wheel does "this" fit into.

For example...
Growing up my mother would lose us in the store, always. Didn't matter which store.

So when my kids were little, I did not allow them unsupervised with my mom in a store.

When they got older, OK. To this day you go shopping with my mother she will take off...All I can say is...THANK GOD FOR CELL PHONES!!!!.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

but you have to understand that "differences in religion" isn't always just taking the kids to the Wednesday night prayer meeting....

I mean, my husband has relatives that used to arrange group interventions where they would go to his house and steal him and his brother -- bring them to a meeting of Church People, who would then baptize them over and over and scream at them that unless the REALLY let Jesus into their hearts they would burn in a painful and flame-filled hell for millions of years with no relief. All to be repeated again in a couple of months.

ummm - no. Not taking my kids. We will certainly smile politely and chat with you at family functions, but when every Christmas card that is sent to our house includes the lament that all of our souls are doomed to suffer for eternity, relations do become a bit strained at times. I mean, the kids CAN READ.

As far as spending time with an alcoholic parent. Well ok I can handle that. If they are cleaned up, not smelling of urine and puke, aren't wearing clothes caked with poo, are reasonably coherent and not shaking from withdrawal... but I'm not going to trust them to be responsible enough to take care of a 3 year old.....

And then there is the one with the Gambling addiction. Really don't want my kids taken to the Riverboat and dumped in a lounge while Grandma goes plays the slots....which happened repeatedly with the cousins.

Honest, no I'm really not insecure in my parenting. I'm quite secure in belief that some behaviors are not appropriate for the environment of children.

 

[MAKmom]

but you have to understand that "differences in religion" isn't always just taking the kids to the Wednesday night prayer meeting....

I mean, my husband has relatives that used to arrange group interventions where they would go to his house and steal him and his brother -- bring them to a meeting of Church People, who would then baptize them over and over and scream at them that unless the REALLY let Jesus into their hearts they would burn in a painful and flame-filled hell for millions of years with no relief. All to be repeated again in a couple of months.

ummm - no. Not taking my kids. We will certainly smile politely and chat with you at family functions, but when every Christmas card that is sent to our house includes the lament that all of our souls are doomed to suffer for eternity, relations do become a bit strained at times. I mean, the kids CAN READ.

As far as spending time with an alcoholic parent. Well ok I can handle that. If they are cleaned up, not smelling of urine and puke, aren't wearing clothes caked with poo, are reasonably coherent and not shaking from withdrawal... but I'm not going to trust them to be responsible enough to take care of a 3 year old.....

And then there is the one with the Gambling addiction. Really don't want my kids taken to the Riverboat and dumped in a lounge while Grandma goes plays the slots....which happened repeatedly with the cousins.

Honest, no I'm really not insecure in my parenting. I'm quite secure in belief that some behaviors are not appropriate for the environment of children.

You need to write a movie for LIFETIME TELIVISON.

 

[disneymama73]

Move over & make room for me.

Scoot over a little please. Thanks.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it is a pretty broad stretch to assume that parents who decide to limit exposure to toxic or dysfunctional relatives are doing so because they are insecure or that they feel the need to control every aspect of their childrens lives.

As parents, we all have a responsibility to decide what our children should and should not be exposed to. We have to weigh benefits and risks and make the best choice we can, with the knowledge we have.

No, I do not believe our children should be regularly exposed to every relative in our genetic pool to teach them a lesson about life. I think it is irresponsible for a parent to encourage exposure to a toxic relative.

I do not subscribe to the belief that just because someone is related to us that we should maintain a relationship.

I have known more people who ended up with problems because of exposure to relatives who were toxic/dysfunctional than problems because they didn't have enough exposure to dysfunctional relatives.

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

I have a pretty dysfunctional family but I prefer to not with my own troubles. So I'll just sit back and

 

[MidgeD79]

We're the family that other people avoid.

 

[YachtClubWoman]

every family has some sort of dysfunction at some point whether they admit it of not- the questions is if the people in the family want to acknowledge it or ignore it

 

[Wishing on a star]

Extra butter on mine!



And, just for the record, I also think that it as a real stretch to say that anyone who has to consider limiting the relationship with 'toxic' relatives is isolationist and overprotective.

 

[California Girl]

what is a toxic relative? give examples please. from what i've read, it seems that the definition ranges from someone who i disagree with over issues of child rearing to uncle ned who runs naked through the neighborhood.

i've never stated that certificably nutjob relatives, pedophiles, etc, should not be avoided. my original question had more to do with the piling on of advice from some fronts about families who instead of agreeing to disagree over issues, don't allow exposure.

some extreme examples have been posted here; that's not what i referred to. it's those philosophical disagreements that seem to create dysfunctional families.