DS's Wedding Apparently OFF!!! (Warning: long and rambling))

[Rajah]

If this girl really does want to be married to your DS *and* she really is being held against her will or threatened in some way, then something needs to be done. Like potentially calling the authorities. (Shoot, even if she *doesn't* want to get married, if she's being held against her will the authorities should get involved. Can you make a call expressing your concern to them?)

If the girl is just following what Mama says, or is using Mama as an excuse, I'm in the "your son is better off" category. Unless the girl is willing and *wants* to cut all ties with her mom, remember your DS would be having to deal with this for the rest of his MIL's life. And possibly beyond, because so often traits of the parents come through as the kids grow up.

Good luck, whatever happens.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Wow! Even if they eloped she would still be in the picture. I say, count your blessings. They would always have problems with her.

TC

 

[phorsenuf]

Out of curiosity, how old is this girl?

 

[suzannen]

I'm with others - how old is she? In my book, if you're young enough to still be grounded, then you're too young to even be thinking about getting married.

 

[Scratch42]

Do not walk but definately RUN to the nearest EXIT!

It may hurt now but later in life he will be very thankful!

Right now, when somebody tries to set me up, the first criteria........

His parents must be deceased!

m2cw

Scratch


PS if this is happening before they get married, think what will happen afterwards!

 

[honeywolf7]

I'll have to admit that after all the problems I had with Thom's mom (over my mom not inviting her to my bridal shower because it was on a weeknight and she lived two hours away and worked-not even something that was my fault but she always held a grudge) even though I think it's very sad that TJ's mom died when he was 17, it's a relief that there's no potential mother-in-law IF (a long time in the future) we were to ever get married.

 

[Sandy V.]

I'd still like to know how old your son and this young woman are. My feelings on the issue would probably vary to a degree if both were in their late teens/early 20's vs. everyone being 10 years older.

My inclination, though, is to tell your son to put this girl behind him. It sounds like there are TONS of emotional and financial issues here! And the chances of this mother/daugher relationship improving to the status of 2 equal adults sounds very slim.

But if he is intent on marrying this girl, they'd better ELOPE so that Mom doesn't ruin the special day.

Good Luck!

 

[FreshTressa]

IMO, It is the right decision. If the bride isn't mature enough to handle her mother, she is not mature enough to be married.

Your DS should wait until she is strong enough to handle her mother and get her dealt with BEFORE they get married. Set the boundaries there first.

It will save some pain in the future.

And I feel sorry for your son!

 

[mom2boys]

Originally posted by Antonia
run like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and thank his lucky stars that he is not strapped with this woman as a mother-in-law. She might ground him too! This woman would be your grandchildren's other Grandma

Your son is probably hurting now, but if he does end up marrying this girl her mother will be a constant problem.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree 100% with FreshTressa! Boundaries need to be established first.

The point of the marriage ceremony is to stand in front of family and friends (& God) to establish that you are now a couple and make decisions together.

Eloping will not solve anything in this case.

 

[Duchie]

I'd remind your son to consider one thing: Marry the girl, gain her mother. Yup - mom2boys is right - this could be your grandkids' OTHER grandmother. He does't just have to put up with this for the wedding - he's putting up with it for life!

Good luck to you both!

 

[Antonia]

Hi, all. Many of you have asked how old these two are - my DS and the soon-to-be-ex-bride (I hope) are both 19. Her father died when she was 7 and I believe this is some way contributed to the strange dynamics of this mother-daughter relationship. However, many people around town have warned me that this girl's mother was "crazy", but I didn't take it as seriously as I probably should have. DS and this girl have been the happiest couple and now this stange turn of events.
DS has tried to contact bride, but her mother will not put her on the phone. She does hold a job, so I believe if she wanted to contact DS she could. Tomorrow is DS's birthday and he says that he will give her until then to make contact with him and if she doesn't it is over. Even if she does contact him, it will be tedious.
I have given this a lot of thought and I do believe he should run fast and hard from this mother and daughter. I believe it will only bring a lifetime of headache and heartache. And like many of you have said - she would be my grandkids other grandma. YIKES!!!!

It is a sad time, but this too shall pass. I have been praying about it and have asked my two best friends to pray for us and any of you who are so inclined, please pray that this situation can be resolved in DS's best interest. I will update what happens.

 

[Sandy V.]

Boy, Antonia, I think you have it pegged when you said that the father's death probably contributed to the strange relationship. It's almost like the mother is treating her daughter EMOTIONALLY like she's some sort of substitute spouse! Sad.

Continue to support your son. At 19, of course it would hurt to end the relationship. But this mother is TROUBLE with a capital "T" and the signs indicate that it could get far worse. The girl still sounds too young to wrest control and independence away from her. Earlier, I suggested that they elope - forget that! Life is too short to be made miserable by someone like this woman.

Again, I hope things work out well for your family.

 

[Antonia]

It does seem that she has used her to fill the void of a spouse in some ways- however, she treats her like she is a child. I believe this woman has some sort of true mental illness. And it is strange to me how a young woman of 19 has no backbone when it comes to her mother. While planning this wedding, the bride has often said "whatever makes mama happy" when the particular thing was not what she wanted. And recently compared her love for DS to be equal to her love for her mother. I did find that comment odd, because to me love of mother and love of spouse are different kinds of love. And I had never really heard anyone make such a comparison.

 

[suzannen]

Antonia,
I think your assessment of the situation is correct. As painful as this may be for DS and your family now, it sounds like you might just be avoiding years and years of pain, clash and conflict in the future. Sending extra prayers your way.

 

[RUDisney]

When the time comes up to discuss this with your DS, tell him that when he meets and marries someone at a later age, he'll probably think to himself how much easier his life will be at that point and how much different his life would be had he married at 20 yo.

This is why I say that. When I was young 20's, I know I was emotionally ready to start a life with someone. From a financial standpoint, we could have made things work, but waiting until I was 27 and established in my career made it possible for us to buy a house, be able to travel, etc. We didn't have to worry or fight about money.

This is a blessing in disguise for him. You sound like you are not living a disfunctional family life. It's hard for someone who was brought up in a happy and stable environment to be thrust into a disfunctional family. I know. My IL's put the dis in disfunction.

 

[mom2boys]

Dr. Laura would tell him to RUN! And if he won't run to get the girl a good therapist & wait 5 yrs to see if she can cut the apron strings with Momma.

I do feel for you son. It must be heartwrenching for him - and your entire family.

If this isn't the girl for your son, better he find that out before the wedding than 10 yrs & 3 kids later.

 

[debster812]

Originally posted by honeywolf7
I'll have to admit that after all the problems I had with Thom's mom (over my mom not inviting her to my bridal shower because it was on a weeknight and she lived two hours away and worked-not even something that was my fault but she always held a grudge) even though I think it's very sad that TJ's mom died when he was 17, it's a relief that there's no potential mother-in-law IF (a long time in the future) we were to ever get married.

You're kidding right??? You actually just typed out that you were releived that someone, whom you have only been seeing for a very short time, that their mother is dead, and this relieves you? Because of your past history with someone else? Wow. This has to be one of the most off the wall things I have read in quite some time.

Antonia--I am very sorry that your son and she are going through this, but (sounding very trite) better to find out now, than later.

Best of luck to all of you, and I hope everyone finds their own happiness.

Debbie

 

[honeywolf7]

I didn't mean it the way you took it....I am very sorry that she's not around but at the same time I'm relieved that she won't present any problems (particularly since according to him, she was a drug user and I honestly don't know if I could deal with that.) It wasn't "Gosh I'm glad the old woman is dead." It was more like "That's one problem that I know I won't have to face in this relationship." (at least that's how I meant it to be....it may not have come across that way.) I'm not the only one who said something very similar to that....go back and read RM's post.

 

[Antonia]

Well, DS attempted to go visit former bride to be at her workplace since her mother will not let him through with a phone call to her house. She works at a shoe store near the rug store he works at. Lo and behold, former bride to be's MOM was at her workplace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he walked in, this mom immediately said to her daughter "go to the back of the store" and told my son that she would sign a warrant on him if he got near her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My son turned and walked away. The mother also told him "she's not ready to talk to you". I am nearly insane because I think my son at least deserves an explanation - without this mom as a middle man. I feel a lot of hate right now toward the girl and her mom and I am not normally a hateful person.
Oh, how I wish this could be over and my DS could move on. Right now he is still hoping that shw will call and at least give him an explanation of what is going on and why this has abruptly ended in the manner it has - especially two days after SHE put their engagement announcement in the paper and on the day it was published. I am trying to stay out of it, but it is hard. I want my DS to be done with the girl and her mom.