DS's Dad didn't call -AGAIN!

[DisnyMama]

It's now 6:16 pm and DS's father promised, and I mean promised him on Saturday night that he would call him at 5:00 tonight so they could talk about the Angel's Baseball game. You see, Dad lives in TX and DS called Saturday to talk to his little sister and dad answered the phone. DS doesn't call to talk to dad anymore because dad never returns calls or calls when he says he will. Anyway, DS was stuck talking to dad Saturday since dad answered the phone and little sister was in bed asleeep and dad promised that he would call today at 5:00 pm PST which was over an hour ago. DS has been in therapy and suffering from depression due to the whole dad issue for quite sometime and he was starting to show some improvement in the last month but now he is bummed out and in his room. I just want to call that jerk and give him an earful but what good would it do. He has been doing this crap to DS for the past couple of years. I wish he would just not even talk to him or even tell him he would call him. Oh, just to make things clear DS is 14 and little sister is 5 years old and is his half sister from his dads current marriage. He loves his little sister very much-she is a sweetheart! Ok! I just hadd to vent. Thanks for giving me a place to blow off some steam while I go bust some eggs to make egg salad!!

 

[momrek06]

DISNYMAMA: Do you think its at all possible for YOU to give ex-DH a QUICK phone call prior to ex's PLANNED call to DS "JUST TO REMIND HIM"???

That was my only thought....either that OR email ex and remind him!!!

My DH worked two solid years in Maine while building the new Maine Railroad (the DOWNEASTER) of which we were all proud of DH has head cheese but DS was in the 6&7 grade and from time to time I had to give DH friendly reminders to make sure he called DS in the evening...then DH moved from Maine to NYC to the (PANY/NJ) to build a new port and that was FOUR long years away from DS. DS was in high school those four years while DH was away....DS left for college and DH finally decided it was time to stop all the traveling and he has been back 2 years...the same two years DS has been gone.

Any thoughts to getting DS his own cellphone that he can call his dad back and forth any time he wants...???

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know you want to call and him an earful but it really would be better for your son to do it. It just builds and builds and your son is destroying himself instead of his dad.
{{{HUGS}}} to your son....my dh did the same thing. I have no respect for his father.

 

[dmslush]

Gosh, I remember going through this when Sparx was little. After my ex and I divorced, he would rarely show up for visitation (when he did, he would lay down the on couch and go to sleep ), he wouldn't call regularly (when he did, he would grill her about me and SO, then hang up on her if she didn't give him the answers that he wanted), and child support was a joke. I was so glad when he finally left town, and he stopped swinging back and forth with her emotions. That was 10 years ago. He actually showed up back in town last year and we terminated his rights and SO adopted her. I am so glad that it is over, finally.

 

[dbarker]

DisnyMama, I have no answers. I don't even think there are any answers. However, you just described my X to a T. Funny how you later find out that there are others out there like that. Lots and lots of hugs and pixie dust for you and your DS.

 

[C.Ann]

My first husband did even worse to our children.. After we divorced he would call every Friday night and tell the kids that he would be picking them up at such and such a time on Saturday and he would never come.. And I do mean NEVER.. My youngest saw him ONCE between the ages of 3 and 13.. I can't even begin to tell you the emotional scars it caused for my children.. They're all grown adults now and two of the three have never gotten over it and gone on to live very troubled lives..

Even thinking about it now - after all these years - I get SO angry I could SCREAM!!!

 

[tmt martins]

I would also have DS call he is old enough to be told BY Father why he didn't call and make his own judgements from there.

 

[DisnyMama]

When I stated that DS called for his sister and his dad answered the phone he wasn't calling to speak with his dad but with his sister. You see, he is done with making the gesture phone calls to his father. He was always the one to make the calls and his dad would never call him back or his dad would say I'll call you such and such a day and never would. He let him down so many times. Eventually DS confronted dad and sad why don't you ever call me or return my calls and his dad got very angry and defensive and said don't you put a guilt trip on me! So what's a kid suppose to do? He decided that he was done with calling his dad and making contact from his end. If his dad wanted to talk to him then he could call him but he wasn't making the calls anymore or waiting around for them. But--he is going to continue to stay in contact with his sister regardless!!! I have to stay out of it because I have tried in the past but he doesn't give a hoot what I say and I end up with my blood pressure being elevated which I have to keep an eye on. As far as a cell phone goes, DS has a pay as you go cell phone that he uses just to let me know when he is at point A or Point B and for emergencies only. I can't afford to have a monthly cell phone bill but the pay as you go has worked out to be cheaper than my old cell phone bill ever was for the amount of usesage that we get out of them.

 

[Papa Deuce]

I don't get it at all, I guess. My favorite part of my day is when I am at work I get to call home and talk to my kids. Now, they don't always want to talk to me.....

My kids are young. I find them fascinating!

BTW..... this from a guy who NEVER wanted kids.

 

[we3disneygo]

some men just don't get it......my dad's 63 and still doesn't get it!!!! good luck, once your son get's older he'll realize it's nothing he did or could have done to change how his dad is.

 

[OceanAnnie]

That is such a hard situation you describe. Your DS sounds wonderful to keep in contact with his sister even when it means he must deal with a non caring person that should be his father figure.

I hope your DS knows it's all this "man's" problem. I used " " because I don't think he's a man at all. A man would realize the importance of his role in a young boy's life.

It's a shame your DS still believes your ex when he says something. If DS could just break through and put the focus on the ex being inadequate and the ex's problems can't be changed maybe that could make a difference. Hard to do when you are young and impressionable, and your sense of self is developing.

The ex is a thoughtless, senseless jerk!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would call the ex and tell him he forgot to call. And in the future when he wants to talk to his sister, you can call and ask for her and then hand him the phone. No need to risk the ex answering.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Eventually DS confronted dad and sad why don't you ever call me or return my calls and his dad got very angry and defensive and said don't you put a guilt trip on me! So what's a kid suppose to do? He decided that he was done with calling his dad and making contact from his end. If his dad wanted to talk to him then he could call him but he wasn't making the calls anymore or waiting around for them. But--he is going to continue to stay in contact with his sister regardless!!!

You son decided he is not going to talk to his dad? That will not work.
As far as the half sister.....hmmmm....something fishy there. Most 14yo teens do not go out of there way to get close to a 5yo half sister. I would say that he is calling her to be close to dad. It is your son's way of "pretending" he is part of their family. It is how your son is coping with rejection of his father.

So finally it happened...(what your son has been hoping for), he got to talk to dad "accidently". So for that brief point in time your son felt "connected".

My dh has a dad like that...I still want to punch him in the face and I am 41. Accepting is key...the sooner the better.

 

[Barb D]

You son decided he is not going to talk to his dad? That will not work.
As far as the half sister.....hmmmm....something fishy there. Most 14yo teens do not go out of there way to get close to a 5yo half sister..

I have to disagree here. There are certainly 14yo boys who love their little sisters. Mine does, and I am VERY certain that he would be calling her if they were separated. He sounds like a great kid.

DisnyMama, I have no words for you. Just love him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to disagree here. There are certainly 14yo boys who love their little sisters. Mine does, and I am VERY certain that he would be calling her if they were separated. He sounds like a great kid.

DisnyMama, I have no words for you. Just love him.

Ummm...I did not say he didn't love or like her....I am saying he is trying to stay connected with his dad, due to the situation.

 

[Barb D]

Ummm...I did not say he didn't love or like her....I am saying he is trying to stay connected with his dad, due to the situation.

And I'd say you have no way of knowing that. I'd say he could certainly be wanting to maintain a relationship with his (blameless) sister without maintaining one with his (blameful - is that a word?) dad.

I like an earlier poster's suggestion of having mom call, get sis on the phone, and pass the phone to kid.

 

[SillyMe]

You son decided he is not going to talk to his dad? That will not work.As far as the half sister.....hmmmm....something fishy there. Most 14yo teens do not go out of there way to get close to a 5yo half sister. I would say that he is calling her to be close to dad. It is your son's way of "pretending" he is part of their family. It is how your son is coping with rejection of his father.

So finally it happened...(what your son has been hoping for), he got to talk to dad "accidently". So for that brief point in time your son felt "connected".

My dh has a dad like that...I still want to punch him in the face and I am 41. Accepting is key...the sooner the better.

What do you mean by "it won't work"?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What do you mean by "it won't work"?

I mean that his silent protest of not speaking with his dad is not going to help with the son's depression. The dad doesn't care. The son is hurting himself.

Barb, I am not saying that he should not have a relationship with his sis, not at all.

I am speaking of her son's depression and anxiety. His relationship with the sis will always be a "double-edged sword". He will always want what his half-sis has. He feels close to his dad through the half-sis. He will feel jealousy, all normal for his situation.

If you say he doesn't want a relationship with his dad, then that is just not reality. He proved it by waiting for another call.

I really feel for the kid and the mom...but what can you do, but try and understand where he is coming from and help him to accept the situation rather than avoid it. Of course, doing it slowly, as he sounds fragile.