DOWNGRADING OF LILI WREAKS DAMAGE IN THE MILLIONS FOR CNN, MSNBC
Viewers Flee Wall-to-wall Coverage of Boring Non-disaster
The ratings of the cable news networks suffered a savage blow today as Lili was downgraded to a Category 2 hurricane, rendering their wall-to-wall coverage of the non-emergency disastrously tedious.
CNN and MSNBC were both expected to suffer losses in the millions as a result of hurricane Lilis abject failure to produce footage of houses, cars, and other personal property being blown away or smushed.
Fox News, which largely avoided Lili coverage and instead featured footage of conservative pundits shouting at liberals, avoided the devastation caused by Lilis lack of devastating power.
Of the millions of dollars in losses estimated by CNN and MSNBC, most of it was in the form of money wasted on ominous music and graphics relating to Lilis widely anticipated destructive havoc, which never occurred.
Unfortunately for the networks, the most riveting footage that Lili produced was MSNBCs fleeting shot of anchor Brian Williams hair being blown about in a goofy manner.
In Washington, President Bush declared the ratings for both CNN and MSNBC a disaster area, authorizing FEMA funds to be dispatched to parent companies AOL/Time Warner and General Electric immediately.
Meanwhile, news executives were already girding for next week, when tedious coverage of the Senate debates over Iraq are expected to deliver yet another roundhouse punch to their already battered ratings.
****Borowitz Report****
Viewers Flee Wall-to-wall Coverage of Boring Non-disaster
The ratings of the cable news networks suffered a savage blow today as Lili was downgraded to a Category 2 hurricane, rendering their wall-to-wall coverage of the non-emergency disastrously tedious.
CNN and MSNBC were both expected to suffer losses in the millions as a result of hurricane Lilis abject failure to produce footage of houses, cars, and other personal property being blown away or smushed.
Fox News, which largely avoided Lili coverage and instead featured footage of conservative pundits shouting at liberals, avoided the devastation caused by Lilis lack of devastating power.
Of the millions of dollars in losses estimated by CNN and MSNBC, most of it was in the form of money wasted on ominous music and graphics relating to Lilis widely anticipated destructive havoc, which never occurred.
Unfortunately for the networks, the most riveting footage that Lili produced was MSNBCs fleeting shot of anchor Brian Williams hair being blown about in a goofy manner.
In Washington, President Bush declared the ratings for both CNN and MSNBC a disaster area, authorizing FEMA funds to be dispatched to parent companies AOL/Time Warner and General Electric immediately.
Meanwhile, news executives were already girding for next week, when tedious coverage of the Senate debates over Iraq are expected to deliver yet another roundhouse punch to their already battered ratings.
****Borowitz Report****