Don't know what to do

[StephSFL]

I am sorry to post this. I know a lot of people have had many road blocks in their weddings and have a lot worse goign on, but I am sick over my future in-law problems and there was no one else to talk to at this time in the morning.

I got off the phone with DF a while back and I am not sure if we can have this wedding anymore. I know everyone has in-law problems, but I can't take the way certain ones have been treating me. Maybe I am just too sensitive, but I don't see me changing in this area anytime soon. First it was my FMIL now it has spread to the rest of his family. I can't figure out what I have done to deserve beign treated like a villian. I would give examples, but it would take too long and make me cry more. I have been so stressed about this I really haven't been able to enjoy the wedding process and now I am not sure if I will be able to enjoy the wedding.

I can't believe I am writing this- there is always the chance his family/our friends might read this. I just thought it might help to get it out and maybe get some advice. This board has always helped/been a good distraction for me. It has gotten to the point that if we can't enjoy it, why should we have it. This famiyl problem is tearing us apart and hurting us as a couple. It makes me sick that my parents are spending money for people to come that can't stand me/us as a couple and don't wish us well.
Again, I apologize for the rant.

 

[dreams91]

I had problems during the planning stages with my in-laws. Too many problems to list as well. However, I still went through with the wedding and it turned out fine. I think it has to do with wedding stress etc. I'm sure if I had an in-town wedding, the in-laws would have created issues then too.

It is your day. Do what makes you happy and comfortable.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I am sorry to hear that you are having FIL problems. I understand where you are coming from, my FIL's don't support us as a couple and whenever we argue or anything I am always the one to blame. We have been planning on getting married since July 06 but he only told them in November cause he was worried about their reaction.

I'm lucky as my fiance sticks up for me, none of his family are going to the wedding and I actually prefer it that way. They constantly moan at how much the wedding is costing, even though we are paying for it all and they think I have forced him to have a Disney wedding and added on all these extras....
How does your fiance feel about this? Does he know how hurt you are by their comments/actions? Is there a possibility of you two having the wedding on your own? If you both love eachother you shouldn't let anyone stand in your way of your wedding day. Speak to his family, try and make them understand how you are feeling and if they don't listen you should discuss alternatives with your fiance. It is unfair to have to add this stress to an already stressful time.
I hope you fiance supports you in this, as it is important you both stand your ground. It is your wedding day, not theirs! If his family read this, it may be a good thing as this is honestly how you feel and you should never have to apologise for being honest.
There isn't much else I can suggest, these are the things that I have done and they have worked for me, now the FIL's leave us to it and I know his mother is slowly coming around. I hope everything works out for you, please let us know how it goes

 

[TinkBride]

StepFSL -

You came to the right place! MANY of us on here have in-laws or future in-laws that truly detest us. My DF's family (I mean his entire family, mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents.....) can not stand the fact that he is marrying me. Only his 19 year old brother is happy for us and supports our choice, and that is because they all hate his fiancee as well.

Anywho, they feel how they feel, and that will most likely never change. Nothing you or your DF do can make them change. So you have a choice, accept it for what it is and marry the man you love. If they chose to be a part of your lives in a civil manner, then fine. But, you can't force what isn't there.

Or, you can give up on this marriage and your relationship and always wonder what could have been.

Trust me, i completely understand how you feel. DF's family said TERRIBLE things about me, with no merit at all. But, this marriage is not about them. It is about you and your DF. You and your DF need to have A LONG TALK, about both of your feelings and how you are concerened.

Don't let these people get the best of you. I spent most of my planning (from the day we got engaged) crying and upset over his family. But, I have come to realize that they are sick in the head and just plain evil. I made the choice to not let them ruin this for me and my DF. And I let go of it all. Yes, our relationship with them has suffered because of it, but DF sees them in a different light now.

 

[JJClemson]

Steph, oh my goodness! I think you are reading my mind... seriously I am going through the exact same thing right now DF and I went on our planning session the week before Christmas, and his parents came to WDW w/ us. It was undoubtedly the worst 4 days of my life. I have been w/ DF for 5 1/2 years and they just keep treating me worse and worse. For the past 2 nights I have been talking w/ my family about what to do... cancel the DFTW and just elope, or not marry DF at all

This is such a tough situation. I always heard "you're marrying the man, not his family", but in my case, that is not true. I cannot seem to just ignore them and let things roll off my back. I will not see my DF until Monday, but I am planning a long talk with him.

Hang in there. Only you and your DF can figure this one out. If you need to talk, I'm here Keep us posted!

 

[sarah_n_brian2006]

Everyone so far has said the most important thing, Talk to your DF.
If you have talked to your DF, was he able to fix the situation?
I've been there, my ex-fiance's mother hated me. I mean she kicked him out (we were 18) because he joined the Navy (where he went to Hawaii and became a cheater), I let him stay at my parent house (in the garage) so he could have a place to sleep that night. She lied and said she had pics of him sleeping with 3 of her friends!!! She also tried to set him up with a girl from her cosmetology class with me 5 feet away. That's not what ended us, however that's what kept me from ever getting back with him. There was nothing I could do to make her like me. My ex couldn't fix it. So one day I turned the tables on her, I told her, "There's nothing you can do to tear us apart. I love him. I love you, and I love your whole family. I really want this to work. But I have decided that a relationship with you is not worth all this heartache. When you decide to let go of this behavior, we can be family and friends, but until then, you're that dreaded mother-in-law and I'll have to live with that." Things were different, not how I wanted it. But we became cordial.
When my now mother in law started to show those signs, I reassured her and told her my intentions with her son, and everything changed, she's one of my dearest business advisors and helps us out alot. Hell, for our engagement, she took us to the Bahamas and gave us matching Citizen watches. (Mine is the better one, too!!)
Point is, I think every woman has this problem in the beginning. Usually it works it self out. Sometimes you have to fix it yourself. And sometimes you just have to live with it. Whatever you do, do not let it ruin your wedding, or one more day. Just look at the situation that very little can actually be done, and that your wedding day, marriage and you are more important than the all of this. Even though she is your mother in law. Honestly, the worst thing that could happen is she makes your DF really mad at her and she inevitably will risk losing him and that's what flips it for most people I know. Good luck.
Little exercise: When ever you think of her and her (their) behavior, think back to the happoest day of your life. Or think of them getting run over by the monorail, which ever works for you. No one deserves to make you feel awful, especially about your wedding!! That's going to be YOUR BIG DAY!!!!

 

[dannirose]

Steph you definitely aren't alone here. I have been in tears every night this past week (never mind the last few months) over my FMIL and the wedding plans, and the only advice I can give you is what has already been said - talk to your DF, and it will probably get better after the wedding so hang in there. And whenever you need to vent - you know where to come.

 

[kimis]

Hi Steph
I am both a DIL with a very evil MIL and I am a MIL to 3 wonderful DIL'S! I learned years ago that a person can learn from the negative as well as the positive. Trust me I learned from my MIL and the rest of my dh family as to what not to be like. I love my DIL's because they are wonderful women married to my sons. I don't ever want to be known as an evil MIL so I stay totally out of their private lives. I have a great relationship with them. Actually they are known as my daughters not daughter in laws. So learn from the negative. Be better than they are. You can do it. If you are seriously having doubts you need to have a talk with them before a shouting match occurs. In my case having a talk with my MIL would never have helped. Good luck!

 

[Maggimus]

I think we all choose Disney... 1. Because its a destination wedding... and for some of us #2. applies.... its out of THEIR comfort zone.. and right into ours. Its hard to have a wedding at home, because of what everyone will say, do, and think. This is the way I felt anyway. I chose Disney.

I still have problems with all of my In-Laws... yes the entire family, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. They see me as satan or something very near to that. I, too, dont know what I do other than make my DH happy.. and a better person.

I suppose men see it harder to stand up to their families, especially their mothers, because thats the only family they have... through thick and thin. DH doesnt have a good relationship with his dads family... so its easier for him- but his mom... thats another story. Its really hard for him to stand up to her. Hes a momma's boy.

I think you should definately talk to him.... (i dont know about the 'im contemplating not marrying you' thing.. that wouldnt have went over well with my DH anyway). It wasnt until I refused to go around them, refused for them to come over, and cried nearly everynight IN FRONT OF HIM- until he saw just how much it upset me... and said something. Now im able to atleast tollerate them...

GL-- we are here for you-- vent away !

 

[princessdisneybelle]

Steph,

Sounds like we are all having a bit of this lately. I can't believe how stressful wedding planning is. I agree with everyone else. You need to talk to DF. I honestly don't think alot of our DF's see how much their families upset us. I just had the "i'm not sure if we should go through with this wedding talk", it broke my DF's heart. He had no idea it all upset me so much. We cleared everything up. I hope you can. We are all here for you anytime you need us.

 

[StephSFL]

I really appreciate the advice. I can't tell you what I felt after reading everyone's responses- it was overwhelming and a relief to know that others go through this. I wish we all had great FMILs and MILs like Kimis.
The problem is DF knows this is a huge issue and has tried to run "interference" between our family and my FMIL. She has lied and tried to get other family members involved. As said, it is hard for him to believe/understand that his Mom is doign this. She is a control freak and has tried to ruin this wedding in many ways (I am sure a lot of you understand how nasty things can get). The mothers had a talk, but two weeks later she was back to her old self.
We have really tried to be nice and behave better then them. I think it is called "kill them with kindness" ?We have sent flowers on birthdays and holidays, cards, etc. and never received a thank you or any such thing in return. His mother sent me my first gift this Christmas- a used trashy novel about a couple that gets married and the husband gets tired of the evil wife and finds the only way to get rid of her is to kill the wife! Now, does that seem a little inappropriate?
Last night DF and I had a fight because he is just tired of being in the middle. He knows what she is doing and what she and her family does is hurtful. It is just hard for him to take.
We are going to go see his family this weekend. Y'all are right, we need to have a face-to-face talk or it's going to get worse. If this weekend doesn't go well we will have to rethink the wedding.
I really appreicate the help.

 

[StephSFL]

I think we all need some pixy dust!
Thank you all again so much. I am not sure my last post made any sense, but I really appreciate the ideas- talks, monorails running over bad relatives, etc. I really feel for anyone in this situation and I hope it gets better for everyone.
We planned a "goodwill" trip up to his family for this weekend anyway so the timing is good for an intervention. I just feel like I am walking into a trap (longer story). Wish me luck- I'm going to need it.

 

[princessdisneybelle]

I think we all need some pixy dust!
Thank you all again so much. I am not sure my last post made any sense, but I really appreciate the ideas- talks, monorails running over bad relatives, etc. I really feel for anyone in this situation and I hope it gets better for everyone.
We planned a "goodwill" trip up to his family for this weekend anyway so the timing is good for an intervention. I just feel like I am walking into a trap (longer story). Wish me luck- I'm going to need it.

Steph- please try not to let his family ruin your relationship! Lots of pixi dust to you. I wish you the best. Um how about going to Typhoone Lagoon and letting the sharks at them? lol

 

[kimnkel]

WOW. I am so sorry. I am in an interesting place, because I am a recent bride--and a MIL--and a new step mom--and a SMIL...sigh...it gets complicated...lol. My MIL is whacked. Seriously. She is so nasty I can't even hate her--I just pity her. But then I am older, with a little more confidence and chutzpah--I hate to think how often she would have made me cry when I was in my 20's. Ugh.

I do my darnedest (is that a word?) to love without judging, to be supportive and always THERE--without interferring or butting in. My relationship with them is more important than being right or making them do what I think they should do. All parents should abide by this: People (even our kids) are entitled to make their own mistakes.

Listen, I reallllly wish I had some brilliant advice. Something to make this all better--or else I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to get it to go away...but there are just no easy answers. All I can say is that there are loads and loads of difficult people out there and as much as we would like to avoid them we just can't, always.

I will say this: For those of you with in-law problems that are so serious they impact your potential happiness as a couple I would strongly urge you to seek pre-marital counseling to address this. Please, please take the time to do this. If these issues are not faced with a united front they have the strong potential to wreck your marriage, but with solid communication between your DF and yourself and a few good problem solving tricks you should come out stronger...and won't that drive your future in-laws bananas?

Good luck-- and please seriously consider a little pre-marital counseling to strengthen your relationship-- and give you some weapons to deal with these dragons.

 

[StephSFL]

Steph- please try not to let his family ruin your relationship! Lots of pixi dust to you. I wish you the best. Um how about going to Typhoone Lagoon and letting the sharks at them? lol

I like that one, too!

 

[TinkBride]

Hi again!

Is you FMIL named gail? I swear we are talking about the same person!

Anywho, take it from a girl who had the "TALK" with her future in-laws. (Or screaming match whatever... )

While it probably won't make things better at least you can get your feelings out there. But.....most importantly you need to go to her with a UNITED FRONT. Trust me. She is looking fo loopholes in your relationship so she can attack where you guys are weak. But, if you are a united front, she can't use it against you. When DF and i had the talk with his parents (it to two times to get things out there), we held hands, we stayed connected and we went to them together, not me going to battle by myself.

i know DF's family still hates me, i know they are not happy, but......they have SSSSLLLLOOOWWWLLLYYY gotten the picture that we are unbreakable. And for the most part they keep there comments to themselves and leave us alone.

My DF is a pleaser and he hates people being upset, so this was a struggle for him. He had a hard time believing they would act this way and that they couldn't respect his choices, but he said standing up to them and having that discussion empowered him with his parents.

My best advice......while this is TERRIBLE for you and you feel like you have no options, remember your DF is stuck between the woman he loves and his family. He is in a tough situation too, Remember to be sympathetic to his feelings and don't get too upset with him, because whether he says it or not, he is hurting too. This is your first of many bumps in the road of your marriage, let this make you guys stronger together, not tear you apart.

Good Luck! I am thinking of you!

 

[Tink11302]

O

 

[CinderellaPrincess]

Oh gosh, I can so relate. I have been married for almost 8 years and from the day DH and I got engaged his family has been horrible to me. It got so bad that we no longer have a relationship with them (well he talks to his dad occassionally). They have never even met my children.

I really don't know what makes these families go nutso. THey lied, they tried to break us and the more they did, the more nice I was trying to get them to like me. The more nice I got the nastier they got. It just came down to where his sister told him to choose me or them. Guess who "won"?

What I am saying is that you aren't alone. You need to talk to your fiance and work it out with him.

 

[StephSFL]

Thank you all. Y'all have offered great ideas and I feel much better about dealing with the situation. Thank you also for sharing your personel experiences. I am leaving for a few days to see the FIL- I will write back how everything turned out.
Thank you all again.

 

[StephSFL]

Thank you all. Y'all have offered great ideas and I feel much better about dealing with the situation. Thank you also for sharing your personel experiences. Have to keep this short. I am leaving for a few days to see the FIL- I will write back how everything turned out.
Thank you all again.