Does anyone agree that surprises are a way to control people? (updade in OP)

[moon]

I think so and I hate surprises.

for example, take my sister. It was her birthday and she came to pick us up to have a birthday lunch with her. Oh the way she told us how happy she was to have a quiet, laid back afternoon with just us. But her husband had invited friends over without consulting her who kept arriving all afternoon. So my sister spent her birthday running around playing hostess.

This guy is big on surprises. He surprises her with vacations...it's a surprise, you know, so she doesn't have any input about time, destination, etc -for example, he "he surprised" her with a cruise for February.
Later on she told me she doesn't like to cruise during winter. I just keep my mouth shut about it.

I know other people who push bug, expensive stuff on others, like bedroom sets and big pieces of furniture in the guise of a surprise. It drives me nuts!

 

[hereyago]

I think your sister needs to have a firm discussion with her dh. I would have him play host since he wanted to invite everyone.

I don't really like surprise myself, but anyone knows if they surprise me, they better get it right..

 

[robinb]

I think it's less about control and more about making it about the giver instead of the receiver. Look at me! Aren't I GREAT?

 

[Hrhpd]

I think so and I hate surprises.

for example, take my sister. It was her birthday and she came to pick us up to have a birthday lunch with her. Oh the way she told us how happy she was to have a quiet, laid back afternoon with just us. But her husband had invited friends over without consulting her who kept arriving all afternoon. So my sister spent her birthday running around playing hostess.

This guy is big on surprises. He surprises her with vacations...it's a surprise, you know, so she doesn't have any input about time, destination, etc -for example, he "he surprised" her with a cruise for February.
Later on she told me she doesn't like to cruise during winter. I just keep my mouth shut about it.

I know other people who push bug, expensive stuff on others, like bedroom sets and big pieces of furniture in the guise of a surprise. It drives me nuts!

Nope, don't see it as controlling or even as it being all about the giver. Everyone I know who is big into surprising people really do it from the heart, trying to plan something that the other person will absolutely love. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes they don't, but the love is there behind the gift.

I guess Santa is controlling then?

Why would people buying big, expensive stuff for others bug you?

 

[Disneylover99]

Nope, don't see it as controlling or even as it being all about the giver. Everyone I know who is big into surprising people really do it from the heart, trying to plan something that the other person will absolutely love. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes they don't, but the love is there behind the gift.

Totally agree.

 

[Christine]

Nope, don't see it as controlling or even as it being all about the giver. Everyone I know who is big into surprising people really do it from the heart, trying to plan something that the other person will absolutely love. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes they don't, but the love is there behind the gift.

I guess Santa is controlling then?

Why would people buying big, expensive stuff for others bug you?

Re: bolded. I see what the OP means. I mean, if someone is surprising you with large items for your house such as bedroom sets, sofas, etc, and not allowing you to have any input into those things (big ticket items that you have to live with for a long time), well, I can see that it *could* be a control issue. It's a way to try to look like a hero/giver yet not allow the other person any say in what happens (furniture, vacations, etc).

Obviously the OP is seeing this behavior in someone. I, for one, have never known anyone to do that. Every "surpriser" I've known has done it from the heart even if it's not exactly what the receiver may have wanted. But I gotta agree that planning a whole vacation(s) routinely and being the only one to buy furniture sounds like a form of trying to control what gets done and what gets purchased.

 

[superme80]

I love surprises, so maybe he loves them and assume she loves them too. She needs to have a talk with him about these things.

 

[moon]

Nope, don't see it as controlling or even as it being all about the giver. Everyone I know who is big into surprising people really do it from the heart, trying to plan something that the other person will absolutely love. Sometimes they get it right, sometimes they don't, but the love is there behind the gift.

I guess Santa is controlling then?


Why would people buying big, expensive stuff for others bug you?

What bugs me is that the receiver doesn't get any input on a big gift which they will have to live with for a looong time. I've know some who have to put up with colors/styles which they don't care for because it was a "surprise" And Children tell Santa what they want, and he gets it for them. Hardly a surprise

 

[Hrhpd]

What bugs me is that the receiver doesn't get any input on a big gift which they will have to live with for a looong time. I've know some who have to put up with colors/styles which they don't care for because it was a "surprise" And Children tell Santa what they want, and he gets it for them. Hardly a surprise

Do you know for certain that the receiver had no input? How do you know for certain that big hints were not given? All anyone had to do for me is look at my pinterest page and will know the colors and styles I like. It may look like I had no input, but the hints are there all over the place.

I can see being bugged by big presents being given to you if you are not into surprises, but I don't understand being bugged by somebody giving big surprises to someone else. That is between them. Even if a person complains about their gift, they may be actually happy with it and are covering because they want to be a bit modest about big surprises.

Are you a bit envious of someone else getting big gifts?

 

[lesliekatya]

I hate surprises (I'm the control freak in the family) and my husband loves to give surprises, but he knows better than to do anything big without my input. He really tries to make me happy. For instance, he surprised me with a Disney vacation, but let me plan most of it because he knew I would like the planning almost as much as the trip.

 

[moon]

Do you know for certain that the receiver had no input? How do you know for certain that big hints were not given? All anyone had to do for me is look at my pinterest page and will know the colors and styles I like. It may look like I had no input, but the hints are there all over the place.

I can see being bugged by big presents being given to you if you are not into surprises, but I don't understand being bugged by somebody giving big surprises to someone else. That is between them. Even if a person complains about their gift, they may be actually happy with it and are covering because they want to be a bit modest about big surprises.

Are you a bit envious of someone else getting big gifts?

My goodness! I see I touched a nerve here, WOW! I know, because I know these people. Like my sister who wanted a quiet birthday with family only. If she hinted anything yo her DH (I don't know if she did or not, it would have been that she didn't want guests. I know that because she told me. She also told me doesn't like Cruising in winter. THat's how I know, get it?

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

Your examples sound like someone that wants to control someone and disguises it as a surprise. (Or maybe you just want it to look like that because you don't care for her DH)

HOWEVER that is NOT what MOST people's intentions are when they surprise someone.

My gosh you make it seem as though a Christmas present should be discussed and agreed upon and given with the recipient knowing what is in the box.

I can only imagine a boring life with no surprises.

 

[moon]

I hate surprises (I'm the control freak in the family) and my husband loves to give surprises, but he knows better than to do anything big without my input. He really tries to make me happy. For instance, he surprised me with a Disney vacation, but let me plan most of it because he knew I would like the planning almost as much as the trip.

And that's how it's done! Who doesn't enjoy planning or havig input in someone do big a a vocation?

 

[ImDMous]

I hate surprises and DH knows that. He loves them and I love surprising him with them. Sometimes they are small like a new video game, sometimes they are big like a vacation. He thinks it's awesome.

 

[moon]

Your examples sound like someone that wants to control someone and disguises it as a surprise. (Or maybe you just want it to look like that because you don't care for her DH)

HOWEVER that is NOT what MOST people's intentions are when they surprise someone.

My gosh you make it seem as though a Christmas present should be discussed and agreed upon and given with the recipient knowing what is in the box.

I can only imagine a boring life with no surprises.

. I'm not talking about the stuff which is regularly given during Christmas and birthdays, small or medium items I'm talking about big ticket items, vacations, stuff which will last years

 

[ImDMous]

And that's how it's done! Who doesn't enjoy planning or havig input in someone do big a a vocation?

My DH would absolutely hate having to plan any vacation, we would end up staying in Motel 6 down the street and going to McDonald's for dinner. He is NOT a planner. He would rather I take care of everything so he can just show up.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

. I'm not talking about the stuff which is regularly given during Christmas and birthdays, small or medium items I'm talking about big ticket items, vacations, stuff which will last years

You said you hate surprises.
Seemed pretty all encompassing to me.
Also having friends stop by throughout the afternoon is not a big ticket item nor is it something you have to live with for a long time.
Again looks like someone doesn't care for someone else very much so they are trying to make a big deal out of it and receive validation.

 

[Hrhpd]

. I'm not talking about the stuff which is regularly given during Christmas and birthdays, small or medium items I'm talking about big ticket items, vacations, stuff which will last years

There may be a select few people, perhaps your despised BIL, who surprise their SOs to control them, but as the PP said, that is not the intention of the majority of givers. Most people really are thinking the receiver is going to love their gift.

You are painting with a huge brush, using your BIL as the basis of all surprise gift givers.

 

[moon]

I don't get the snark and hostility in the replies. I have not personally attacked anyone.

So, nevermind

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I don't get the snark and hostility in the replies. I have not personally attacked anyone.

So, nevermind

If you ask a very opinionated question you'll receive very opinionated answers.