Does anybody have a good joke?

[Pugsley]

I'm going to a party this weekend where everyone has to bring a joke (written out). The jokes all go in a bowl and each person has to pick one and read it. Sounds like a fun idea. Most of my favorite jokes are dirty ones, and I can't do that since I don't know these people very well. So I'd appreciate all the help I can get!

 

[threecrazykids]

Go for the dirty ones...if they can't laugh at a good naughty joke then you don't want to be at this party anyway... just kidding.

Or you could go REALLY juvenile...

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

U-neak up on it!

Or a blonde one...
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?

 

[lovesmurfs]

Not sure whether this is clean enough, but it makes me laugh (especially as I age)....
------------------------------------------------------------
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

[NYPDwife]

Here's my son's favorite:

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't PEELING well......waaah waaaah waaaah.

Gets me everytime.

 

[HM]

A duck walks into a pharmacy. He asks for some chapstick. The pharmacist says "will that be cash or should I put it on your bill".

 

[kaytieeldr]

Inspired by the "dog with no teeth" thread (kinda sick, or at least not PC):

Scientist is doing an experiment with a frog. Scientist says, "Jump, frog, jump!". Scientist notes 'frog with four legs jumps four feet'.

Scientist cuts off one leg and says, "Jump, frog, jump!". Scientist notes 'frog with three legs jumps three feet'.

Cuts off another leg and says, "Jump, frog, jump!". Scientist notes 'frog with two legs jumps two feet'.

Removes another leg, says, "Jump, frog, jump!". Scientist notes 'frog with one leg jumps one foot'.

Cuts off the fourth leg and says, "Jump, frog, jump!" Frog doesn't move. Scientist notes, 'frog with no legs is deaf'.

 

[Carriemel]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.


When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in
progress. Finding his frazzled assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

 

[Darsa]

OMG, carriemel and lovesmurfs,

 

[Duchie]

What did zero say to eight?

Nice belt.

 

[ericamanda01]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef!

 

[Micca]

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

 

[Tinkmom75]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef!

That's one of my favorites

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing it wouldn't come anyway.

 

[JCJRSmith]

Bill and Frank met as kids when they played on the same Little League team. Bill was the pitcher, Frank was the catcher. They played together in high school, college and the pros. AFter they retired the both coached baseball teams and watched games together whenever they could.

One day they were discussing heaven and Bill asked Frank, "Do you think they play baseball in heaven?"

"I dunno, but I hope so," Frank replied.

They made a pact - whoever passed away first would come back and tell the other whether or not baseball was played in heaven.

Frank passed away quietly in his sleep at the ripe old age of 92. Bill really missed his friend and one night about a year later as he got ready for bed, Bill noticed a much younger looking Frank standing at the end of his bed, wearing his old catcher's gear.

"Why, Frank," Bill exclaimed. "You look great!!! Just like you did when we were in the pros. So tell me, do you play baseball in heaven?"

Frank replied, "Well Bill, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, we play every day, and Ruth and Gherig and Cobb and Shoeless and all the greats are there playing as well."

Bill says, "That's terrific. So what is the bad news?"

Frank replies, "Better warm up - you're pitching tomorrow."

 

[Boo'sMom]

my all time favorite joke:


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. He says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patricia explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this.” He produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It’s bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. And he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

The manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

 

[Boo'sMom]

that's one of my favorites

what do you call a dog with no legs?

Nothing it wouldn't come anyway.

spot

 

[Jennasis]

1. What's red and smells like blue paint? RED paint!

and a naughty one...(it's long)

2. There once was a woman married to the man of her dreams. The only problem she had with him was that he had terrible, unbearable flatulence. He also delighted in tormenting her with it...shoving her head under the covers to "enjoy" his aroma...asking her to check if there was a hole in the seat of his britches and then letting a good one rip right in her face. It was terrible. He would start every morning with a real thumpin' good one and bellow "MORNIN"!" to his beloved. After each olfactory assault, his wife would scold him with "One of these days your gonna let one go so bad your innards are gonna fall out!" But for 20 years she put up with his obnoxious farting....until the day of their 20th anniversary. She promised him a huge turkey dinner with all the trimmings, so she got up early in the morning while he slept in, and crept down to the kitchen to prepare the turkey. She had the bird all set in the pan and reached in to pull out the sack full of gizzards, when she was struck with a devilishly awesome idea. She took the gizzards back up to the bedroom, tip toed to her husbands side of the bed, carefully peeled back the blanket, gently pulled back his underwear and DUMPED the gizzrds in! Then she hurried back down to get on with her cooking. About a half hour later she heard dear hubbies good morning salute...FfffffffWWWwwwaaaaaaammmppPPP! followed by a blood curtling scream. She could only chuckle to herself and think "Serve's him right!". Well a good twenty minutes goes by before she hears her husband coming down the stairs....sweaty and white as a sheet.

"Dear!" She cried with a wry smile. "Whatever happened?"

Her husband gripped the counter top and looked her in the eyes and replied "Sweetheart, do you remember how you always warned me that one day I would fart so bad that all my innards would fall out??"

She nodded back at him.

"Well it happened!" He sobbed. "I farted my innards out."

At this point his poor wife is just about busting open with the laughter. "Well should we go to the hospital?' She snickered.

"NO no.." He sighed holding up his hand. "By the Grace of God and these 5 fingers, I got 'em all pushed back in!"

 

[We_love_WDW]

how do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke - her face!

 

[Handbag Lady]

This is my all-time favorite:

Two blondes drive to Disneyland. At the freeway exit, they see a sign:

Disneyland

Left


So, they turned around and went home.

 

[DancingBear]

An old man walks into a church, and goes for a confession. The priest pulls back the window, and the old man says: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am 80 years old and I was walking home from the library the other day and two college girls stopped their car and said they were on spring break and needed directions and we got into a discussion and they offered
to drive me home and on the way one of them asked me the last time I'd had sex and I told them it had been years and she said would I like to have some fun and before I knew it the three of us were in my apartment and I had the most magnificent sex for two nights and the day between and they're still there waiting for me and promised they'd show me things I never even knew a
man and woman could do. And that's why I've come to confession."

And the priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"

And the old man says, "Actually, this is the first time."

And the priest says, "You're 80 years old and this is your first confession? Why now?"

And the old man says, "Because I'm Jewish."

And the priest asks, "In that case, why are you telling me?"

And the old man says, "I'm telling everybody."

 

[cinmell]

1. What's red and smells like blue paint? RED paint!

and a naughty one...(it's long)

2. There once was a woman married to the man of her dreams. The only problem she had with him was that he had terrible, unbearable flatulence. He also delighted in tormenting her with it...shoving her head under the covers to "enjoy" his aroma...asking her to check if there was a hole in the seat of his britches and then letting a good one rip right in her face. It was terrible. He would start every morning with a real thumpin' good one and bellow "MORNIN"!" to his beloved. After each olfactory assault, his wife would scold him with "One of these days your gonna let one go so bad your innards are gonna fall out!" But for 20 years she put up with his obnoxious farting....until the day of their 20th anniversary. She promised him a huge turkey dinner with all the trimmings, so she got up early in the morning while he slept in, and crept down to the kitchen to prepare the turkey. She had the bird all set in the pan and reached in to pull out the sack full of gizzards, when she was struck with a devilishly awesome idea. She took the gizzards back up to the bedroom, tip toed to her husbands side of the bed, carefully peeled back the blanket, gently pulled back his underwear and DUMPED the gizzrds in! Then she hurried back down to get on with her cooking. About a half hour later she heard dear hubbies good morning salute...FfffffffWWWwwwaaaaaaammmppPPP! followed by a blood curtling scream. She could only chuckle to herself and think "Serve's him right!". Well a good twenty minutes goes by before she hears her husband coming down the stairs....sweaty and white as a sheet.

"Dear!" She cried with a wry smile. "Whatever happened?"

Her husband gripped the counter top and looked her in the eyes and replied "Sweetheart, do you remember how you always warned me that one day I would fart so bad that all my innards would fall out??"

She nodded back at him.

"Well it happened!" He sobbed. "I farted my innards out."

At this point his poor wife is just about busting open with the laughter. "Well should we go to the hospital?' She snickered.

"NO no.." He sighed holding up his hand. "By the Grace of God and these 5 fingers, I got 'em all pushed back in!"

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww