Do your parents know...do you know?

[Camicar]

First off, I was never spanked. But let me assure you that there are ways of parenting that are just as bad if not worse than being spanked. I know. BTDT as a child.

Secondly, yes, all parents make mistakes. But there are mistakes and then there are EGREGIOUS, harmful choices.

My parents had been told by others long before I told them (as an adult) that they did not treat me properly. Their intense favoritism toward my little sister who was born when I was 5 was remarked on negatively by friends and family over the course of many years. They justified their choices by saying that I was tough and smart and could handle raising myself essentially when sister was born when I was all of five years old.

Interestingly, nothing anyone said -- including myself - made ANY impact untll
1. It became apparent that as an adult my sister was a spoiled, obnoxious, lazy brat who would not hesitate to stomp on anyone to get her way. (Please note: my sister got therapy and turned herself around in her 30s.)
2. They had court-mandated and separate therapy as part of their divorce. Neither of them wanted to go, but it did make a difference.

Both of them (separately) apologized for how I had been treated. In my father's case, he immediately went back to his patterns. In my mother's case, she tried very hard to become a better mother, but she was still in deep denial about how badly she'd treated me. We got along pretty well, however, and she was an excellent grandmother to my daughter (totally different than the mother she'd been to me). Near the end of her life (she died at age 58), she had started to revert to her default behavior of me and if she'd lived, I doubt we would have stayed close because I was not going to ever let anyone treat me like that again.

If you have kids, do you ever worry about leaving that lasting negative impression on the kiddos?

Wanting to be a better parent -- wanting to be GOOD parent -- is the guiding force in my every decision I make as a parent. I waited before choosing to have a child until I felt I had overcome my childhood and had spent enough time with children to know that I COULD be a good parent and not default to bad practices. I think I've been successful -- my dd is a lovely person who is smart, motivated, funny, kind and all sorts of good things and loves me very much. (In fact, she has announced she sees no need to leave home --yeah, like that's gonna happen -- while I couldn't wait to ESCAPE my parents' house.) My sister, OTOH, could never be sure she could be a good parent and chose not to have children. My dh was also raised in a dysfunctional environment and while he is a good father and overcome so much, he cannot discipline due to his own emotional scars, so I have to be the bad guy in the household.

I want to thank you for asking this question, because sometimes I take my skills for granted and forget how very hard I worked at overcoming my childhood to become a good parent. Not that I am in any way perfect, but I do think that I have overcome a lot of deficits and become a good parent.

 

[alexandria674]

Well, I could have handled getting spanked for a reason as a child but once I was in my teens and the hits became slaps in the face that is when I knew something was up. It wasn't physical abuse that phases me, it was the emotional kind that still hurts. Mom was a teenaged mother and so I accredited some to her being young, but once I was a teenager it seemed that I was being more of a mother and she was the daughter, I stayed at home to do what needed to be done while she went out a lot and did things that I still try to make sense about now, but can't. There are other things that she shouldn't have done because while she claimed that it was her life, she never thought that her life involved our life too.I could excuse some things now as her being young and stupid but then again there is no excuse for some of the things she did/didn't when it was time to be an adult and a parent. My parents were divorced, my dad was a weekend dad but once he heard what was going on in that house he made steps to get my siblings and I out. Do I blame them for the hurt I have now, yes and no. I am an adult now and have made my own way in life.. All I can do now is make up for it now by being trying to live my life as best I know how. I can't explain why she did the things she did, but all I can do is try to be peaceful now.


My mother got the therapy she needed and now I can say that she is a good mother to my younger siblings, but do I stay the night with her, do I visit her all the time and talk about my childhood with her, no. I still remain kind of guarded about that and a part of me will never be close to her because of the hurt. But, despite that she is my mother and I love her and so a part of me still feels responsible for her. When other relatives remark how bad she was back then, instead of agreeing I have often fought with them and mentioned how if she was so bad why didn't they help her and us instead of watching on the sidelines. So,I guess I have conflicted feelings about it all.

 

[RadioNate]

You know, I had a pretty messed up childhood by a lot of standards. I can't blame my mother, she got out when she could. Sometimes I feel like she didn't protect me enough from my dad's dysfunctional world but I know she tried and didn't feel she could keep me away from my entire extended family.

However, I don't feel traumatized. It is what it is....I can't change what happened then. I survived. It does however, affect my choices in life (like not drinking around my children.)

My dad, doesn't have a clue that his actions could cause me embarrassment or 'trauma.' We have our issues and I know he just sees me as a 'witch' for not allowing him unsupervised access to my children but considering he hasn't really progresses passed about 12 himself it isn't smart or safe for them.

As for the deeper stuff...the stuff that TV movies are made from, I let it go years ago. Those were his choices. His mistakes. He is proud of the infamy. I'm not.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm starting a therapy fund for my DD. One time we were bickering and I screamed to her (she had just slammed her bedroom door) "I guess I'm not getting mother of the year!" She bellowed back in an eerily deep voice for a 9 yo "You weren't even nominated." At first I was tempted to yell at her but then I found that so funny. And she was so convinced I was going to reprimand her that she didn't know what to do. Finally I burst out laughing and had tears streaming down my face.

 

[Fintastic]

Intersting thread.

My parents were (and are) good people, but they were (and are) lazy parents. I'm the oldest of six. I don't remember ever being told to brush my teeth, do my homework, or be home by nine o'clock. I don't remember us going out and doing anything as a family more than a couple of times during my entire childhood, and I was so jealous of my friend's dad who would get out in the front yard with his kids and play catch with them because my dad preferred to sit inside and watch TV and read the paper. We even had "fend for yourself" nights where nobody made dinner and everybody was responsible for their own meals.

My parents spanked us a few times, but that doesn't leave any lingering trauma with me. They didn't smoke or drink or go partying or abuse drugs. What bothers me about them is their lack of interest. They seemed to have plenty of time to do what they wanted to do, but rarely had time to invest in us. Why they had six kids is beyond me!

Now that I'm a parent, believe me, I understand that sometimes it seems like a huge chore to play Go Fish again when I'd really like to read that new book that's been on my nightstand for a week, or to watch Spongebob when a movie I want to see it on another channel. And doing things I want to do doesn't mean I'm a bad parent as long as I balance it out with spending time with DD.

 

[bumbershoot]

My brother and I had just about the same upbringing, but he took his childhood to mean he shouldn't be a father (didn't help that he hated kids younger than him, even as a kid himself). Whereas I have always wanted to have a big family.

Our mom was great. Sure she had her flaws, but she was always open about them, and talked things out. There were a few "because I said so" moments, but most of the time things were talked out. The main difference between me and my brother is that he's 2.5 years younger, and NEVER had our dad living with him. When brother was conceived, my dad was living with someone else, and since HE was cheating, he always put out the thought that he wasn't my brother's dad. I was the spitting image of my dad, and my brother was my mom's clone, until my brother became an adult and now he's a twin to my dad. But my brother hasn't seen our dad since my wedding, and before then he was in college last time he saw our dad (or maybe in high school).

My mom never spanked, but she had a good "death glare" that was highly effective! And when I was a teen and we were the same size, we did have a couple stupid arguments that became two women TRYING to slap each other, then we'd run off to our rooms and cry, then we'd make up...sounds weird to others, but it worked for us and didn't seem too weird.

So my mom didn't mess us up at all. My dad, however...there were some moments. I had some daddy issues and some abandonment issues...didn't help when my mom's second husband divorced her and just flat out disappeared when I was heading off to college...so the guy in our lives from when we were 8 or so until I was 17 was just gone...I recently found him online and am trying to decide if I should contact him or not and WHY I would contact him (I'm a very forgiving person, sometimes to a fault).

But my dad redeemed himself to me when he paid for my therapy, after I came crying to him (to CA from WA) after yet another breakup with yet another stoner boozer loser and he really understood that I was trying to find "daddy" in the guys I was choosing. It was nice to have him pay for my therapy, and it was healing in more ways than one. Then he paid for my wedding, which closed the door on the resentment for his not paying all the child support he should have (he stopped when I was 15, after an argument over where the money should go...shoes aka daily life vs college fund...and he didn't even put that money into a college fund). So he really mended things.

I'm the only one in his life who can tell him to just STOP and he'll stop. He was being verbally abusive about his wife in front of my then 3 year old and I was able to stand up to him, to obviously send my son off with my husband, and to sit dad down and tell him how inappropriate he was being. Then I asked what was going on and we had a nice discussion about it. I'm the ONLY one who can do that with him; he would scream if anyone else did it. But I'm not afraid of him. Others are.

But his actions have caused my brother to cut off ties entirely.

It's interesting how different people react so differently!



Now my husband...he has MANY of those "this is a life changing moment" memories. HIs father believing he was lying, punishing him for lying, and in that moment turning my husband (who was NOT lying) into a "liar". And that was just at 7 years old. My MIL put hubby on a diet when hubby was 3. He's a sensitive guy to begin with, has some very "female" emotional issues about food, and that just made it so much worse. He's getting stronger over time, but the memories remain.

Oh the ONE thing that scarred me was the "food fights" in both households I grew up in! My brother was very picky, and I was the peace-keeper...I remember a moment when we were at the table and I was being tortured by the "you must eat this" junk going on. My mom left the room and I ate the food in question for my brother, even though I wasn't hungry. Ended the war that night, but solved nothing. Both hubby and I work hard to not cause food issues with DS, and he's doing really well with it, even though there have been bumps in the road. So I guess food is the ONE issue from my childhood that I am determined to do differently.

 

[5lilfish]

The spankings I received as a kid don't phase me the least now as an adult.
QUOTE]


I agree with this part. It's not like I was spanked often, but I was spanked. I think I remember each time too. I also remember what I did to deserve it each time. I can honestly say, I did deserve it!

Sure, there are a few things that I can still remember that my parents said to me and stung me at the time. I think you'd have to be one amazing human being to get through parenthood without ever saying something hurtful that you probably ended up regretting. My oldest is 12 (I have 5 kids) and I know that I have said things that I regret.

Of course some of my parents actions/words influenced who I am now. For example, I was bullied and most of it was possible because my Mom worked (happened on the bus and I was a latch key kid). I don't hold that against her in the slightest but it was a driving force in my decision to remain a stay-at-home-mom. however, I am an adult now. I guess I feel that it would be pointless and a little silly to allow something that happened 25-30 yrs ago be the biggest influence on my happiness today. I have a great husband and 5 beautiful kids. My parents are wonderful people that are/were human and made a few oopses along the way....nothing major. Maybe I would feel different if I had been abused or neglected. My childhood issues don't even register on the radar compared to kids that live through any sort of real trama. I had good parents and a happy childhood.

Jess

 

[JVL1018]

I was spanked and I don't feel scarred by it at all(I do not spank my kids though).
I had my ups and downs with my dad(still do), but my mom I always adored-even though she was the one who was usually doling out the punishments, LOL. I'd get mad at her, but it never lasted long.

Once I had my own children and I saw how very frustrating it is to parent sometimes, I understood my parents better.
When I think back now to all the times I got in trouble I think ahhh I get why they did x y or z, because I deserved it(or they were fed up with me doing the same thing over and over and over). Are there times I think my parents overreacted? yes. But I understand now with kids of my own that these things happen.

I'm not perfect, sometimes I fly off the handle-like today when DD got Sharpie on her shirt and ruined it and I flipped out more than was warranted*, but I hope they know, like I always knew, that they are loved beyond measure and sometimes parents are jerks. Me included.

* I apologized.

 

[Nancy]

Every single human being on this Earth makes mistakes. Parents are mere humans. On the whole, parents love their kids, want to do right by them, sacrifice for them, and want the best for them. Unless you were beaten, purposely starved, or verbally berated on a daily basis, let it go. To sit and dwell on the mistakes parents make is destructive. It serves no purpose and does no one any good.

My parents made mistakes. I am a parent now and I make mistakes. I love my kids with my whole heart, the way I know I was (am) loved by my parents. None of the rest of it matters.

Exactly! I don't remember ever being traumatized as a child/young adult. I'm sure I got a spanking or two, but honestly I can't even remember it now. I know my kids got a spanking or two and they will tell you they can't even remember it (but I know I did it). As a parent or child you have to know that we are humans and humans make mistakes, we are not perfect dwelling on that does no one any good at all. Unless there was physical/verbal/sexual abuse I don't see what good dwelling and rehashing years later does.

 

[Piecey]

What DH went through growing up.... I can't even imagine.
He was ready to get away from it so he joined the Marine Corps.
Undoubtedly one of the best decisions he ever made in his life.

My parents and I had issues, yes, and we'll never be as close as either of us would like because of them. But they pale in comparison to what my DH went through.

DH's past has probably made him a happier father than he normally would have been.... he doesn't want our son to ever feel a bit of the neglect DH did growing up.

 

[starrzone]

About the trauma they caused you as a child or the trauma you may be causing your children? I was looking at the "Do you spank/have you been spanked" thread and it got me thinking. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents these days (I'm in my 30's). Were you to ask them how I view them, they are likely to give you a glowing report. However, I can easily reflect back on my childhood and pull out MANY traumatic, damaging moments that affect me to this day (playing no small role in my own decision to not have children). My parents are completely unaware of how their actions affected me then and continue to do so now.

So, do you harbor any resentment from the past be it over spankings, something they said/didn't say, promises broken etc? Do your parents know how you feel now?

If you have kids, do you ever worry about leaving that lasting negative impression on the kiddos?

My mom would have a total nuclear meltdown if I ever brought it up. She would laundry list the bazillion wonderful things they did for "us kids" and deride me for focusing on the few negatives. But those negatives are doozies.

My mother was, and is, a stay-at-home mom. It was a decision that she and my father made mutually, but she said many times as I was growing up, "Don't be a SAHM. They get no respect". Yet she always put everyone's needs before her own, didn't really go out with her friends, and I always sensed that she was sort of unhappy.

OMG, I totally agree with the part of your post that I underlined. My mother did so many things in my childhood that left lasting impressions on me:

- I was very anxious during swimming lessons and was terrified of diving. I wouldn't dive for this one test, and my mother came over and dug her nails into my left arm, dragging me, whispering in my ear that I had better dive...I still have the scar.

- She tried time upon time to force me to join activities that I didn't want to join; I distinctly remember her saying once when I was in elementary school "You are NOT coming home from school unless you tell me you have joined the track team". I was, and still am, a horrible runner, not to mention that I don't really like sports in general.

- Forcing me to join basketball an curling...because I was overweight and needed exercise, according to her when I brought the subject up years later. Well, I was chubby because a) I developed early, b) I was a teenager, and c) I had, and still have, anxiety issues. I would cry because I was SO very bad at these sports, and I would let my team down.

Of course, whenever I attempt to bring up the subject, I am "Being disrespectful and don't appreciate the opportunities and support I was given by her". Yeah, financial support maybe, but NO emotional support. I barely talk to her. She knows almost nothing about me, and I don't really care to share anything. I don't think she's going to change, and until she does, there will be no "mother/daughter" relationship between us. The other week, her reaction to my gaining weight was "Well, you must have wanted to gain it". When I said that hurt my feelings, she said "I was only trying to help you". Some help. She knows how I feel and I honestly think she doesn't care.

Because of what I've experienced, I really don't know whether or not I want kids. I just hope to God that if I have them, I don't have any daughters.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Mother does, father does not as my issues are still being worked through. While my mother specifically did not cause me harm (norm did my dad)--her choices led to what happened to me and she does know.

I have to say "I did the best I could" is a response that I hate to hear and she USED to say it often. Then when I finally got down to the crux of my issues, she stopped saying that.

Through therapy though, much of the issues of my childhood--I misinterpreted and "remembered" as traumatic when they weren't. It all led back to one incident prior to all of that. Even moments where I hated my step-mom, I remember one in particular. I thought she was soooo mean and selfish on this one thing. But I tell you what! The consequence fit my bratty behavior.

But my mom does know a lot. She has also said she doesn't want to hear any more sadness. Good thing that I don't have any more to share--but OUCH! What a thing to say to your child when your choices wrote much of her lifestory until she finally was treated 30 years later.

I just resent the fact that my parents never seemed to be "in my corner" while growing up. They were blinded by their selfishness to miss very glaring signs of a problem. I don't mind where I ended up, but it would have been lovely if it was a much smoother path facilitated by loving parents who should have realized that I was acting out more than your average hormonal teenager for a very compelling reason.

I have to say--that I was on my own path of destruction with my own child and it did come to a head. Years from now--she will remember that mommy knew she had an issue and instead of "doing the best she could under the circumstances"--that her mommy did what was right and sought help to stop the insanity.

Sadly--the behavior that I had was a direct result anger due to deep seeded trauma in my young childhood. (and I'm not talking about spankings for mouthing off .)

When my mother learned of that trauma--she stopped saying "I did the best I could". Instead she said--I wish I would have known and then (that history would have turned out much differently.)

 

[Keli]

You know, my parents weren't perfect, but they did a good job raising me and my siblings.

Spankings didn't traumatize me in any way, shape or form.

I can think of incidents in my childhood that seemed "unfair" but I have a feeling if I knew all the facts and looked at the situations from their perspective I might not think some of them were unfair after all.

Someone on this thread said they hate to hear "They did their best" in raising their children but I am exactly the opposite. I find comfort in that sentence. Because I know it's true. I know my parents did do their best and they gave all of us children the best start in life that they had the ability to give.

I have gained more and more perspective on my parents and my upbringing as I have went through life experiences myself. I was sympathetic to their point of view after I became a mother and more so after my dd was grown.

Because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I made serious errors in judgment when raising my dd.

I was way too easy when I should have been firmer, I was way too firm when I should have cut her some slack. I pushed her too hard, I didn't encourage her enough. The list goes on and on.

But I truly did do the best I could. I used my best judgment, faulty as it often was, and I always loved her with a passion and wanted her life to be perfect and wonderful in every way.

And I hope as she ages she will view me with the same forgiveness that I view my parents with and will treasure, as I do, the good things that my parents put into my heart and life.

 

[coolbeans]

I don't know if I would call it trauma but it just was a gap between me and my mom that never filled. We didn't talk about sex, puberty, shaving..nothing. I remember my first bra, we were in a big dept store and in the lingerie section and she said (I swear she yelled it).. "about time to get a bra" basically threw me at the sales lady and bought one, a plain white one. my shaving experience was the same.. I had on a tank top and when she came home from work I opened the door for her.. her response "I thought you shaved your arm pits".. she never told me I could, or taught me how... I guess mabye I was a bit traumatized by it.

 

[scottishduffy]

Overall, I have a very positive view of my parents and I had a happy childhood. I have no resentment over spanking(which stopped pretty much by age 5) or punishments. I remember being angry at the time some punishments occurred... but as an adult I understand why they banned me from seeing a certain friend or why big punishments were done. I remmeber crying when i got certain favorite things taken away. Yet that is just the anger of a small child, as an adult it hasn't traumatized me. Things may have made me angry from my 8-14 yr old perspective, but part of growing up is realizing the bigger reason behind things. They loved me enough to make tough decisions and discipline me to make me a better person.

Were my parents perfect. NO. But they were pretty darn good and I knew they loved dearly. Was I the perfect kid? Noooooo. I was a difficult child. I still harbor some guilt over the nasty way I treated my parents at times, or times I thought I was being 'cool' by acting up. I mainly harbor guilt over bad actions *I* did instead of any punishments. In fact, none of the things I still have guilt over required me getting punished. It was more of taking advantage of their good nature or copping an attitude. Every parent messes up at some point, but mine were pretty good and always tried their best. I was always sure of that and that is enough for me.

Nowadays my mom and I butt heads a lot. That didn't start until I was ~25 though. I have more issues with her now then I ever did as a kid, and I'm sure she knows it. However, i still love both my parents dearly and any issues i currently have are minor quirks and annoyances. Nothing to sever a bond over.

 

[Becky2005]

Hmm...I'm sure I will mess up my kids somehow. I have no idea what will end up working & what will not until they are grown up.

I know there were things my parents did that I didn't agree with but they never did anything with malice. They were just trying to raise us to be adults the best they could.

 

[minkydog]

About the trauma they caused you as a child or the trauma you may be causing your children? I was looking at the "Do you spank/have you been spanked" thread and it got me thinking. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents these days (I'm in my 30's). Were you to ask them how I view them, they are likely to give you a glowing report. However, I can easily reflect back on my childhood and pull out MANY traumatic, damaging moments that affect me to this day (playing no small role in my own decision to not have children). My parents are completely unaware of how their actions affected me then and continue to do so now.

So, do you harbor any resentment from the past be it over spankings, something they said/didn't say, promises broken etc? Do your parents know how you feel now?

If you have kids, do you ever worry about leaving that lasting negative impression on the kiddos?

My mom would have a total nuclear meltdown if I ever brought it up. She would laundry list the bazillion wonderful things they did for "us kids" and deride me for focusing on the few negatives. But those negatives are doozies.

Well, I guess you said and I don't have to said again. But I will...

My parents were very young when they married and had 5 children almost immediately. They were in the Navy so they moved away from all family support. My mother has had depressions going back to her early adult years. She was physically and emotionally abusive. My father had severe periods of rage where he would abuse us phyically and mentally. Both clearly had some mental health issues. Is it any wonder that I would grow up to develop my own mental health problems, including a major breakdown requiring weeks of in-hospital treatment?


My father did apologize to me before he died(but not until it was clear he was a goner ) My mother occasionally goes on these tears where she will moan and cry about how bad a mother she was, and how she caused me to have depression, and how she sees it has affected MY parenting(WTH?) And she'll keep winding up and getting louder and more persistent until she hears the magic words: "It's okay mom. You were a good mom. I had a good childhood. I'm okay." And the tears and whining stop immediately. And she's not just like that with me--she does it to 2 other sisters!

To confront her with specifics is worthless--even with all that carrying on, she has never apologized for one (real)thing and will never admit that she should have handled something differently. I can list a lot of stuff, but I'll just give you a few--the time she caught my Grandfather messing with me and instead of calling the cops on HIM, she blasted me and gave me a spanking for "letting it happen." I was 10. The abuse went on for an additional 3 years. There was the time she got so mad at me that she threw a carving knife at me and then accused me of "making her do it." There was the constant harping on my face, my hair, my clothes, my homework--keep in mind I was a straight A student, good kid, never got into the stuff you worry about. Mother didn't like anything about me. She didn't believe in telling her kids good things because "as sure as I brag on you, I'll find out from the neighbors that you're smoking or drinking or sleeping with some boy."

So, yeah, I'd say my mother and I have some issues. And I have not been a perfect parent. Sometimes I have not even been a good parent. As I have said, I have some mental health problems which have created havoc for me and my family. At times it has been ugly. But I have always apologized for specific actions(not just a general "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done.") And I see a doctor regularly and take medication so that i DON'T do the things my parents did. You know, the buck stops here.

I am a product of my upbringing , but that doesn't mean I can't change things. My DH & I made a point of doing things differently, of treating our children at LEAST as well as our friends, to cherish and protect them, to nurture them and guide them, to let them go and make their own mistakes. We weren't perfect and I'm sure some day one of my kids will be telling their therapist all about their terrible childhood. And you know what? I'll take my licks. parts of their childhood were pretty terrible at time. I deserve everything they might say and then some. But I keep trying to do better and most of the time I'm more than hitting my marks.

 

[Jennasis]

Lots of interesting takes on the subject.

Certainly one of the more illuminating discussions around here. I'm going to go ahead and open up the floor to include others...grandparents (after reading the horrendous thread about the whacked out grandma and the kid cutting her hair), aunts/uncles/cousins, siblings.

As parents, one can always say "I love my kids" and "I did the best I can", but what about when the terrible things come from other family members?

My grandfather (whom I ADORED) actually called my older sister up one day (she was a senior in high school) to tell her he was disinheriting her because she was dating a black guy.

That's pretty traumatic, no? I don't know what, if any, closure or forgiveness she ever extended to him over the scenario.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Your DD...is...the...most...hilarious....kid...EVER!!!!

Thank you..I think.

Just tonight I was commenting on how beautiful her room was clean and that I could dance around and do ballet. She took one look at me dancing and responded "Ummm, no you can't." Good thing I have decent self-esteem. She's getting quite witty.

 

[MinnieMe87]

I'm not traumatized or resentful for anything my parents did. None of the spankings or lectures were harmful or affected me in a bad way. The only thing I didn't like was the list of chores we had to do in the summer!
If that's the only bad thing I can come up with, I think my parents did a pretty wonderful job!