Do your kids pay rent?

[Leader of the Club]

My DH and I argue about this. He wants DD21 to pay rent. I don't.

She is a full-time college student. She works about 16 hours a week to pay for her gas, insurance, etc. She does anything I ask. She watches her 5 y/o brother for me whenever I need her to. She doesn't "charge" me to watch her brother.

If she were 26 and employed full time, I don't know that I would charge her rent if she were say, saving for a house or something. She would be expected to keep up with household chores.

When she graduates she wants to move away. I'll keep her here as long as I can.

 

[eliza61]

Enjoyed reading all the posts and agree with all of you.

Wanted to throw another thought out there though.

Do you think this is primarily an "American" thing? I mean the expectation that kids grow up, reach a certain age and should then move out?

I know that in other parts of the world families do live together and all contribute to the household in some way.

For some reason, I don't have a problem with someone moving back home to help out relatives who may be alone otherwise or are sickly...or for a temporary time during a major life transition, etc.. But I don't like the idea of my kids just "staying" home because it's easier. Nope..in that case, I'm booting them out the door.

I can only speak of one other culture that I know of. My inlaws are Portugese. It's a bit harder to compare because they have a different mindset.
I do love the way they treat seniors. Most young adults expect to help their parents and they would never ever remotely think about moving in and letting their parents take care of them (although I'm sure it happens a time or two) Also though, they don't have to worry about big expenses like health care and college tuition. No I am no advocating any type of socialized medicine, I'm just saying for most of Europe, how to pay for illness is not a big worry.
Also young adults get a boat load of assistance for college tuition so they don't come out burden with huge student loan bills.

The biggest thing I wish we would adopt here is getting away from "consumerism". No one I know would even remotely think about buying their kids a brand new wardrobe simply because the were returning to school. or simply because they are going on vacation. Yet we do it all the time. or the habit we have of bribing our kids to behave. "I'll buy you a toy if you behave in the store"?

Funny story: My inlaws could not understand the purpose of an engagement ring? They were/are baffled by the concept of spending 2 months salary on a piece of jewelry. If gifts are given to celebrate an engagement it's usually some thing the couple needs.

 

[DawnM]

If my children had decent jobs and still lived at home I would charge rent. I would charge (at the very least) the extra amount they are costing you in food and utilities.

I am fine with parents allowing their grown children to live at home and not pay rent provided the child cannot find a job or isn't able to work, but if they are working I would charge something.

Dawn

 

[duketennisgal]

I moved back home about a year after graduating college, I had a hard time finding a job that matched the salary I was making as a student worker (crazy but true). I ended up taking a job at a pay cut and couldn't afford to live alone. I moved back into my parents house and they never once asked for rent. I did pay all of my bills, cleaned house, did my own laundry, cooked meals and occasionally I bought the weekly groceries. I also helped out if an emergency arose that they needed some extra money for. I lived there for 4 years, I finally got the job that I had always wanted 2 years into living with my parents, but the job required a paycut from what I was already working. I knew that in the long term the job would be a significantly better paying job, I just had to work there for 2 years before I got that pay increase. I moved out as soon as I was able to afford it but am extremely grateful to my parents for allowing me to live there for so long.

From what I can tell it's becoming a much more common trend, with jobs being so difficult to find out there a lot of graduating college students really don't have that much of a choice.

 

[FoundMyPrince]

I cannot imagine having a full-time job (teaching), living at home, and having my mother cook, clean, and wash my clothes for me! I would be embarrassed! I can understand wanting to help kids, but there comes a time for them to grow up! It sounds like the OP's twin 26 yr old daughters should move out together.

FWIW: this reminds me too much of Failure to Launch. Why would the "kids" want to move out if you are doing everything for them?

 

[DawnM]

Oh my. Good question!

Dawn

Who is the "DH" you speak of here:



http://disboards.com/showthread.php?p=35245386

 

[englishteacha]

I think your daughters should be paying rent or should move out. They should definitely be doing their own laundry, and some of their own cooking, too. My older brother moved back home in his twenties for a few years. He paid room and board, paid Mom to do his laundry (He was working so many hours, it made more sense to pay mom to do it! And mom liked the extra money.: ) He did lots of big brother things with me, including battling with me to do my math homework. He was definitely a contributing member of the household!

 

[magik]

I moved home after graduating from college and was given the summer after graduation as a sort of "grace period" in which I didn't have to pay rent until I found a job. I got a job in September that year, and that's when I started paying rent to my parents. I believe it was only $300 a month (over 10 years ago). I mostly moved back home because my best friend that I planned on sharing an apartment with hadn't graduated yet.

I lived at home about a year and half, paying rent that whole time. In terms of chores, I did my own laundry (but I had done my own laundry for as long as I can remember), kept my room and the bathroom I used neat. I also paid for my own bills (student loan payments, car expenses, cell phone).

Because the rent was so cheap compared to what I would have been paying if I lived elsewhere, I was able to make larger payments towards my student loan (had about $15K in loans by the time I graduated) in order to pay it down faster as well as put a large chunk of money in savings to save for a house down payment. Once I had saved enough for the down payment, I bought a modest townhouse and moved out. My best friend had graduated by then and moved in with me as a "renter" for a few years until she moved up enough in her job to be able to afford a nice apartment on her own. Although I could have technically afforded the mortgage and utilities by myself at first, it definitely would have been really tight. By the time she moved out, I had gotten enough raises over the years to be able to afford it by myself more comfortably, so living together those few years really worked out well for both of us. She paid me a modest amount of rent each month and we split utilities in half. It worked out really well, and I was able to put the money she paid me in rent into savings so that when any "house emergencies" happened (heater breaking, water leak, etc), I could afford to pay for them without loans or credit.

 

[Darcy03231]

My children have been told since middle school that in our household you're either a student or a tenant and tenants pay rent!

I'm all for supporting our children 100% as long as they're in school (including college undergraduate). I would also allow them to move home rent free if there was some extenuating circumstance, but if they're out of school its up to them to pay their own way. I plan to make the rent a portion of their net pay and will save it until they're ready to buy their first house.

 

[annsteere]

DD lives in the basement and we don't charge her a dime.

We put a door on what used to be our family room and is now her bedroom, an area with a microwave and dorm sized fridge, and an area with TV and futons for entertaining friends.

I am delighted to have this extra time with her.

Living downstairs has made it possible for her to wait for a job in her chosen field to open up. She walked dogs through a Chicago winter after graduating from college while she looked for a job in her "career" area. Now she is on the bottom rung. It would be difficult for her to exist on what she makes now and we love seeing her face around here.

She pays for her car insurance, cell phone, etc and she cleans her own "apartment." If she wants to she takes a plate of what we are eating for supper downstairs and eats there. No charge for food.

She will be married in May. I don't think I have ruined her by offering free rent. I enjoyed having her here. She appreciated the opportunity to wait for a full time job in her field.

Am I spoiling her? Maybe, a little bit. But, I sure am thankful I was able to offer her this time.

 

[dis-happy]

I really don't understand the laundry issue. Even my 9 year old knows to do his own laundry. What I do around here: assign a laundry day to each child (ie. Tuesday is your day to use the washer and dryer). I'd do the same with your dd's. And if they miss doing it that day let them schlep their stuff to the laundry mat.

I'd also assign a day or two for each of them to buy and prepare dinner for the family. Total control, from cooking to clean up. You should get a break from doing everything for everyone.

And given their ages and the fact they they're both working, I would definitely charge a small amount of rent. There's no such thing as a free lunch!

 

[bookgirl]

My parents asked me to move back home (couple of reasons but mainly for my mom's sake). I have always payed towards the household expenses (about 600 per month) and I do most of the grocery shopping/cooking. Maybe since I was already out on my own I didn't even think about not paying them. My mom always feels bad for taking it but by now she just does and I know it's not that they NEED the money, but it makes me feel better about living there, since it's so much cheaper than if I lived on my own.

 

[littlbugmom]

My question is why wouldn't they be paying rent? They should be supporting themselves! I don't understand adults who are happy to allow their parents to continue supporting them.


College students-----I won't charge my children rent while they are in college. I will expect them to finish their degree in a reasonable amount of time. I will give them time to find full time employment.

I'm not sure about continuing to support an adult going after her Masters degree. I think she should be able to do that on her own but if arrangements were made for her to stay at home while she worked towards that degree, I'd expect rent.


Hard times can happen. I have helped support family members in times of need and would do so again. In situations like this, as long as the person is really working towards improving their financial situation and they have a goal, I will help.


I don't think the OP's children should allow their mother to act as a "maid" for them. That is a problem in addition to the fact that they are working and not supporting themselves.

DD lives in the basement and we don't charge her a dime.

We put a door on what used to be our family room and is now her bedroom, an area with a microwave and dorm sized fridge, and an area with TV and futons for entertaining friends.

I am delighted to have this extra time with her.

Living downstairs has made it possible for her to wait for a job in her chosen field to open up. She walked dogs through a Chicago winter after graduating from college while she looked for a job in her "career" area. Now she is on the bottom rung. It would be difficult for her to exist on what she makes now and we love seeing her face around here.

She pays for her car insurance, cell phone, etc and she cleans her own "apartment." If she wants to she takes a plate of what we are eating for supper downstairs and eats there. No charge for food.

She will be married in May. I don't think I have ruined her by offering free rent. I enjoyed having her here. She appreciated the opportunity to wait for a full time job in her field.

Am I spoiling her? Maybe, a little bit. But, I sure am thankful I was able to offer her this time.

I think this arrangement is different. It is a limited arrangement and I think that is the key. You don't plan on supporting your daughter forever and she isn't just letting you support her forever. If it works for your family and it's not hurting anyone, it's all good, right?

 

[indimom]

I've tried pretty hard over the years to impress on my kids that living together is a teamwork effort. We share the chores; and if they had any income, we would share the expense. (They're 12 and 9 right now. )
That being said, I don't think allowing kids to live at home for awhile rent free is terrible, but they should definately be putting something into the household, whether that's money or elbow grease.
I think the OP should tell her girls how she feels. They sound like they aren't afraid to work, they may have just gotten used to the status quo and need a reminder that "the house doesn't clean itself" and the utilities aren't being paid by the "money tree out back." (Yep, that's my mom still speaking in the back of my head after all these years. )

 

[Arielle22]

After my mom died (I was 30 and married with 2 daughters) my youngest sister (who was 22) moved in with my family. It worked out great. She paid the cable and electrics bills and helped out with my daughters (who were toddlers). DS was going to college and working.

I have told my DDs that if they are in the house after college they will need to pay rent. I will probably give it all back when they leave.

DDs each do their own laundry and have to keep their rooms and bathroom clean (or the door closed ) I also have them start part of the dinner when Dh and I am on the way home.

We married when I was 20 and DH was 22. We had to live with my mom for about 1 year during the first couple of years of marriage. We paid her $300 per month (back in 1985). To this day I feel ashamed that we couldn't provide our own housing during that time.

 

[gk90]

Enjoyed reading all the posts and agree with all of you.

Wanted to throw another thought out there though.

Do you think this is primarily an "American" thing? I mean the expectation that kids grow up, reach a certain age and should then move out?

I know that in other parts of the world families do live together and all contribute to the household in some way.

For some reason, I don't have a problem with someone moving back home to help out relatives who may be alone otherwise or are sickly...or for a temporary time during a major life transition, etc.. But I don't like the idea of my kids just "staying" home because it's easier. Nope..in that case, I'm booting them out the door.

Part of it is that Americans emphasize independence, privacy and self-determination more than many other cultures around the world, which emphasize family ties and interdependence, so in some ways, yes, it's an "American" thing.

There have been news items about European moms (specially Italians) making it so comfortable for grown sons at home that these guys never want to move out and get married--40% of Italian men ages 30-34 still live with parents and it's leading to low birth rates http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/7674273.stm

Also in other cultures grown children are supposed to stay home and help out with finances and "repay" parents for all that they've been given, until they've saved up enough to marry.

Finally it's also a regional thing--in the Northeast I've found that there are more adult kids living at home, partly because of expenses and cost of living being so high, partly because they come from immigrant families that are happy with kids staying home. I also saw stats saying that couples in the Northeast get married a bit later than people in the south & midwest?

 

[PatsMom]

I left home the day after high school graduation. The family joke always was that we got a set of packed luggage as graduation gifts! I actually spent a summer working (and having fun) at a beach resort, then into the Air Force. I have lived with my mother a few times over the years. When I first got out of the service and was struggling to pay off debt my ex-husband (not ex at the time unfortuantely) had run up, I moved in. Because of my precarious financial situation (including a vehicle on the verge of repossession that I hadn't known the ex wasn't making payments on!) she wouldn't let me pay her anything.

I worked a job that provided me with 20 to 30 hours a week of overtime and dug myself out of that hole in a hurry. I moved into an apartment on my own. While I was living with my mother I would not have dreamed of expecting her to do my laundry, clean up after me, etc. And she would have thrown my butt out in the street if I treated her like the maid!

When DD was a baby, we had relocated temporarily halfway across the country. I got a great job offer and wanted to come home ahead of my husband. We had a house under construction. Daughter and I lived with Mom from June to September, with husband joining us in July. Again, she would not let us pay her (although I would sneak a phone or electric bill out of the mail once in a while). But when we moved out, DH had taken care of a lot of household repairs and we bought her a new washer and dryer.

Last time I imposed on my mother was when DH retired. We sold our house and were trying to get all the permits to build on land we owned in northern NH. DH lived in the old camp with no running water but I am not tough enough for that! DD and I moved in with Mom. This time I paid her rent. She had retired and was glad of the extra money. And she was also glad to have DD to help her out with stuff around the house.

I am still there a few nights a week because of my work situation. We don't have a formal rent agreement, but I pay for the heating oil in the winter to compensate for the extra room she is heating for me. Gives her a little extra money. But I still in no way expect her to pick up after me, cook for me, do my laundry, etc! And she would still kick my butt out into the cold if I ever did.

I guess my answer is yes, I do believe that adult children should pay rent or make some other contribution to the household. And they certainly should not expect Mom to wait on them, do their laundry, etc.

 

[CTdiznymom]

Wow, I didn't expect 7 pages of responses in less than 24hrs. Thanks for all the advise and suggestions. I worked off and on when they were in grade school, so I've mostly been a sahm for all these years. Doing "it all" has basically been my job which always seemed fair to me since I was home.
Now that they are adults and back home, things need to change. It's time my DH and I had "us" time. Thanks all.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I have 2 adult sons, when the youngest of the 2 was 21 he graduated college and was home for 3 months between college and moving away for his job. I never took rent from him, but he did do his own laundry when he was home, and he took total responsiblity for his car and its expenses.

The eldest lived home while he went though college. When he was done with school, and finally had a stable income, but was still living home we did charge him rent. It was only $50/week but then again, he didn't make much money.

 

[chrissyt27]

I lived at home till I was 26. I didn’t have a full time job, but 3 part time ones. I didn’t pay rent, but cleaned the entire house and helped cook and buy groceries. My two sisters 24 and 22, also lived there. Then my sister’s boyfriend practically moved in. my sister wasn’t allowed to stay over there since he had younger siblings. My youngest sister moved out since the other’s boyfriend was living in their room they shared. I got married 3 years ago and my youngest sister moved back in to my room. she was also very helpful around the house. meanwhile my mom asked sister and live in boyfriend for rent since they were getting married and planning to stay on for the free ride. She only wanted $200 bucks a month and some help around the house. She planned to save it and give it back to them later, but she didn’t tell them that. Instead they moved out and got an apt for $1200 a month!! which they couldn’t afford since boyfriend now husband hasn’t worked in going on 4 years. Now they live back at home in my room and are expecting a baby this summer. My sister is now 28 and her DH is 25 and she just couldn’t wait around for him to grow-up. It’s a huge mess. They put 2 years worth of rent on credit cards on top of their wedding., big screen tv, 2 (new) car payments, and a 2 week honeymoon to Mexico.

Now my mom feels bad that they are in this mess and blames herself.

I think some people take advantage. I really don’t think I did. I did everything I could to clean and cook. We had 4 dogs and I did all the laundry and cleaning, been like that since high school. I don’t think you should let them take advantage or it may end up like my sister. If they don’t have any responsibilities than they will never understand. My mom wants to sell the house this spring since she no longer needs a big house/huge yard/pool, but it’s doubtful my sister and her husband will ever be able stand on their own feet, and now they have a baby for my mom to take care of.