Do you think you should support family, no matter what?

[connorlevismom]

although I think I have to agree with the person that said that the niece should be kept a little closer. I mean if she trying to better herself and get off welfare that that is a good thing.
also about the guy who left his kids, while they won;t have the relationship they could have had, they need to give him a chance and if he blows it then they will know...

She is not trying to better herself and get off. She is talking about quitting work all together after this new baby is born. That is why I am so mad at her. If she were taking responsibility for her actions I would be there for her.

Kristine

 

[cheermom1]

She is not trying to better herself and get off. She is talking about quitting work all together after this new baby is born. That is why I am so mad at her. If she were taking responsibility for her actions I would be there for her.

Kristine

ok well that clears that up...

 

[zeferjen]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter, at least for situation number 1. I also think your niece made bad choices. I would probably not loan her money or 'enable' her lifestyle, but I would not cut her off. I just don't understand the anger you have towards her. She is not hurting you in any way and those kids are your family and would probably benefit from having a good influence in their lives.

 

[suzannews]

I've stopped talking to a few family members and asked them not to contact me. It took me awhile to stop feeling guilty about it but I am so much better for it. These people were also "family first" all the time until I stopped doing what they wanted me to do and did what I thought was best for my family (my husband and daughter). They could not understand that my husband and daughter come first above them. There is so much less drama in my life now that the phone has stopped ringing at all hours of the day and night.

 

[bluesaturn]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter, at least for situation number 1. I also think your niece made bad choices. I would probably not loan her money or 'enable' her lifestyle, but I would not cut her off. I just don't understand the anger you have towards her. She is not hurting you in any way and those kids are your family and would probably benefit from having a good influence in their lives.

I agree with you. She is living a life the OP doesn't agree with, and OP certainly doesn't have to listen to her whine. However, the niece has down nothing to wrong the OP and I don't understand her anger. I feel the same about the divorced brother. You don't have to help him or listen to his complaints, but he has done nothing to wrong you except make a choice you wouldn't have made.

It would take a lot for me to cut someone off. I don't think continuing to associate with someone means you are enabling them.

 

[manning]

My wife's nephew was/may be a mooch. Found out when MIL died and all of a sudden he is asking us for money. Guess who he was getting money from. He borrowed money from us years ago and never paid it back. You can guess what our answer was.

He has never asked again and I know his father doesn't give him anything anymore. Looks like he woke up and is making his way.

 

[kt_mom]

My sister is 26, her daughter is almost 8. Of course in the beginning my parents and myself supported her completely she was young and having a child on her own. But she never has grown up and been a parent. She has moved out of my parents house several times and left my niece there. Once she moved in with her boyfriend and his family and the second time she moved into an apartment that she couldn't afford and ended up losing.

She is totally selfish and self absorbed. She comes first, not my her daughter. She does give the child support checks to my parents to help support my niece but that's it other than birthday and Christmas presents. My parents pay for everything else for my niece. She's had two DUI's and so has no license. My parents take her to work every afternoon and thankfully she gets rides home since she bartends and doesn't get off until late.

She spends minimal time with her daughter and goes out every night to party or be with her flavor of the month boyfriend. I think she has gotten involved with an ex that she dated that tore her life apart both emotionally and financially and also contributed to her second DUI in a sense. She's hot tempered and impulsive.

My parents have split guardianship of my niece with her dad (who is a worthless loser as well) and I personally think they should have kicked her to curb ages ago and forced her to grow up. Their argument has always been that she just got pregnant so young and missed out on so much. Well she's 26 now, when is it time to grow up and take care of yourself. She has an expensive cell phone and cell phone plan which she feels entitled to, but my parents buy all of her daughters clothes, shoes, toys, books, food everything. It's just ridiculous. Not to mention the actual taking care of my niece on a daily basis. All the regular daily activities that a parent should be doing.

I've made my position clear many times and now I try to stay out of it as much as possible. I love my sister but I don't support her or her decisions. I don't/won't loan her money or anything like that. She feels she is entitled to her happiness first then if there is anything left over either emotionally or financially it might go to her daughter, if her boyfriend doesn't need it.

My sister is in school (again) and hopefully she will finish this time and do something with her life that will allow her to be a responsible adult but I doubt it. If she's seeing this guy again it's only a matter of time before things go south with him and she screws everything up again in her grief over him.

 

[NikitaZee]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter, at least for situation number 1. I also think your niece made bad choices. I would probably not loan her money or 'enable' her lifestyle, but I would not cut her off. I just don't understand the anger you have towards her. She is not hurting you in any way and those kids are your family and would probably benefit from having a good influence in their lives.

I agree with this. She doesn't seem to be hurting anyone - just living her life in a way that the OP wouldn't. I would not cut her off either.

 

[connorlevismom]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter, at least for situation number 1. I also think your niece made bad choices. I would probably not loan her money or 'enable' her lifestyle, but I would not cut her off. I just don't understand the anger you have towards her. She is not hurting you in any way and those kids are your family and would probably benefit from having a good influence in their lives.

I agree with you. She is living a life the OP doesn't agree with, and OP certainly doesn't have to listen to her whine. However, the niece has down nothing to wrong the OP and I don't understand her anger. I feel the same about the divorced brother. You don't have to help him or listen to his complaints, but he has done nothing to wrong you except make a choice you wouldn't have made.

It would take a lot for me to cut someone off. I don't think continuing to associate with someone means you are enabling them.

I agree with this. She doesn't seem to be hurting anyone - just living her life in a way that the OP wouldn't. I would not cut her off either.

I can see why you would think that. But like I said, there is way more to the story. She is toxic and everything in her life is drama. She makes things tense when she is around and it is uncomfortable having her around. Again, not a reason to cut her off, IMO.

What sealed the deal for me was when she personally attacked me on Facebook. She is a very impulsive and mean person. She recently heard that her dad (the con-man) was in a fight with is girlfriend and she texted this woman HORRIBLE things about what a piece is **** she is and that she should just go back to where she came from. Things like that. She had no idea what was going on, why they were in a fight but felt the need to attack this woman for no reason. Then the next weekend wanted this woman and her dad to take her kid for the weekend. She has done the same thing to my sister when my sister cannot watch her son. All of a sudden my sister is this horrible person and she wants nothing to do with her anymore.

With me, she totally flew off the handle and put all this crap about me on her facebook page without getting the whole story. Apparently, one of my sisters was talking to my mom about how she does not support my niece and her decisions and that she should not be able to stay home and not work. Well, my mom opened her big mouth and told my niece about this. The problem, my mom said it was me (my mom is a bit looney and cannot remember who tells her what) so my niece verbally attacked me for the whole world to see. The thing was, she defriended me first and then did it so that I could not see it. I had a family member some to me and tell me she had done it.

So it is things like this that make me angry at her. She is mean and does things that are horrible to people and then acts like she never did it when she needs something from you. I am sick of the drama.

Kristine

 

[cheermom1]

I can see why you would think that. But like I said, there is way more to the story. She is toxic and everything in her life is drama. She makes things tense when she is around and it is uncomfortable having her around. Again, not a reason to cut her off, IMO.

What sealed the deal for me was when she personally attacked me on Facebook. She is a very impulsive and mean person. She recently heard that her dad (the con-man) was in a fight with is girlfriend and she texted this woman HORRIBLE things about what a piece is s%&$ she is and that she should just go back to where she came from. Things like that. She had no idea what was going on, why they were in a fight but felt the need to attack this woman for no reason. Then the next weekend wanted this woman and her dad to take her kid for the weekend. She has done the same thing to my sister when my sister cannot watch her son. All of a sudden my sister is this horrible person and she wants nothing to do with her anymore.

With me, she totally flew off the handle and put all this crap about me on her facebook page without getting the whole story. Apparently, one of my sisters was talking to my mom about how she does not support my niece and her decisions and that she should not be able to stay home and not work. Well, my mom opened her big mouth and told my niece about this. The problem, my mom said it was me (my mom is a bit looney and cannot remember who tells her what) so my niece verbally attacked me for the whole world to see. The thing was, she defriended me first and then did it so that I could not see it. I had a family member some to me and tell me she had done it.

So it is things like this that make me angry at her. She is mean and does things that are horrible to people and then acts like she never did it when she needs something from you. I am sick of the drama.

Kristine

holy crap same thing my aunt did to me.. the face book thing only thing is she thought she blocked me but didn't than threatened to turn me into face book b/c I could see what she said...

well it sounds like she needs a wake up call to grow up...

 

[luvsJack]

I don't always support my family member's choices but I do always love them and I do always treat them as a part of my family.

I have a family member whose life style as been similar to your niece. I don't agree with the things he has done or the choices he has made. I wish he had made a better life for himself and his children. Will I loan him money? No Would I turn my back on him or his kids if they really needed us? Never. His mother is very, very ill and he has needed someone to do things for him like pick up the kids or keep them for a little while--these kinds of things I will do in a heart beat. I would also, never, not include them in a family gathering.


If I had a family member like the brother you mention that abuses people, I would probably distance myself from him. And I would tell him why and that I think he needs to get help and I would go a great distance to help him get that help.

The man who left his family made a mistake. Hopefully he sees that mistake and will be given a second chance. My oldest brother made this same mistake, did regret it and has made amends with his chidlren. But through it all, I felt that his mistake was between him and his kids; not me. I never would have told him that I thought he was right, but I didn't disown him over it either. He is still my brother and we still had a relationship and always will.

 

[tasha99]

I guess I will be the lone dissenter, at least for situation number 1. I also think your niece made bad choices. I would probably not loan her money or 'enable' her lifestyle, but I would not cut her off. I just don't understand the anger you have towards her. She is not hurting you in any way and those kids are your family and would probably benefit from having a good influence in their lives.

No, you're not the lone dissenter. Getting pregnant to trap someone is horrid, but being on WIC? I was on WIC as a military wife. The guidelines are so loose for Wic that tons of employed, stable families qualify, and just because you wouldn't take the free cheese doesn't make it okay to put your nose up at people who do.

I say cut her some slack. In a year, she'll probably get tired of being home with the babies and go to school to make something of herself. Why cut off not only her but her kids for some youthful mistakes?

The brother who had the affair and moved away, well, I'm of the opinion that that when that happens when there was something very wrong in the marriage to begin with. Hopefully he will stay connected to his kids the best he can. It's a painful thing, marital infidelity, but the only people who truly know what happened are him, his ex wife, and his new wife, and even they may be clueless to what caused some of their dynamic.

As for the one who puts a lock on the fridge. Well, that's just ridiculous. I would make fun of him mercilessly, and hopefully his wife or girlfriend gets away from him. He needs therapy.

 

[NikitaZee]

I don't always support my family member's choices but I do always love them and I do always treat them as a part of my family.

I have a family member whose life style as been similar to your niece. I don't agree with the things he has done or the choices he has made. I wish he had made a better life for himself and his children. Will I loan him money? No Would I turn my back on him or his kids if they really needed us? Never. His mother is very, very ill and he has needed someone to do things for him like pick up the kids or keep them for a little while--these kinds of things I will do in a heart beat. I would also, never, not include them in a family gathering.


If I had a family member like the brother you mention that abuses people, I would probably distance myself from him. And I would tell him why and that I think he needs to get help and I would go a great distance to help him get that help.

The man who left his family made a mistake. Hopefully he sees that mistake and will be given a second chance. My oldest brother made this same mistake, did regret it and has made amends with his chidlren. But through it all, I felt that his mistake was between him and his kids; not me. I never would have told him that I thought he was right, but I didn't disown him over it either. He is still my brother and we still had a relationship and always will.

Well said - I agree with every word of this post.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't always support my family member's choices but I do always love them and I do always treat them as a part of my family...

LOL - that is because you don't have a few of my relatives in your family...

 

[eliza61]

You know as a mom, it must be horrible to come to the realization that your kids are not great individuals. So I totally understand how some parents can put on blinders for a while.

But whenever you have toxic people in your life you come to a realization that these people are toxic and you can't help them. Basically at this point in my life, I've told the "toxic"people in my life "I love you but I can't support you and your actions are causing grief to me" so I've got to take a step back.

I'm not sure how these people are effecting your life though. I have a close cousin who is an atheist and I see and talk with her all the time. Pretty much I don't like it when people tell me what to believe in so I don't push my beliefs off on others.

Exactly how does your mother want you to "support" your niece? I would probably still invite her to family barbeques etc. because those things are usually once or twice a year. Would I loan her money. no. Would I slam the door in her face and refuse to let her in my house? Not at all. She made her decisions so she has to live with them. I have friends who have had children out of wedlock (but they are financially doing well so they don't have those issues to deal with) and are single moms. Kids are great, they are great. No harm,no foul. I still teach my kids to wait until married but I'm not kicking people out my life for their decisions unless it begins to effect me.

 

[luvsJack]

LOL - that is because you don't have a few of my relatives in your family...

uh oh! Sounds like you have some doozies!

 

[sbell111]

Support them? I'd move away and change my name.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

uh oh! Sounds like you have some doozies!

Yeah, both on my side and my wife's. I think that we all read this topic through the lens of our personal experiences. Those who have really toxic people in their families may react more strongly than those who have people with problems, but who don't spread their problems like diseases - infecting everything that they touch.

Sadly, we have toxic relatives - really toxic. The good news, we have so many good friends and other family members who are wonderful (or, at least, are not horrible ) that our lives are still full of love...

 

[Carly_Roach]

I haven't read the other replies yet, but based on this kind of drama where both of your brothers are (expletives) and your neice is another (expletive), I'd have to wonder about whether "supporting a family member no matter what" is a subject that deserves top priority in this conversation.

Both DH and I came from families who support each other "no matter what". Blood is thicker than water and we live and die by that code. However, last time I checked I believe there were only one black sheep apiece in each of our families and, even then, the black sheeps married in rather than being born in. The majority of our relatives are honorable, decent human beings with only a few personal faults of their own. Neither my DH nor I would use an expletive word to describe them.

But in your circumstance, I advise you to support whomever you like, disagree with the matriarch of your clan, and try to expect no support from anyone in your family if/when you need it in the future.

So here is a question for you. Do you believe that you should support family no matter what they do? My mother believe that no matter what you should and I don't agree with her. Here are a couple examples.

#1. My neice is pregnant with her second baby. Both kids where not accidents and she got pregnant on purpose to try and trap the dads. The kids both have different dads and she get a lot of money from the goverment in the form of benefits. She gets subsidized child care where she only has to pay $300 per month for whatever daycare she chooses to send her kids to. She gets free health care for her and the kids where she can go to whatever Dr. she wants, and does not pay for anything. Including her deliveries which are both C-Sections. She gets WIC where they pay for a lot of her groceries and formula. On top of all that, she gets child support from both dads. Now, growing up my parents harped on us constantly that we are NOT to have babies before getting married and that we are to work our butts off and do no matter what it takes to survive. You so NOT take Govt. money. So, obviously, I am furious with my niece She is doing everything that I was taught not to do not only once, but TWICE! My mom is furious with me that I do not support her and tells me that I should support her no matter what, because she is family. There is a lot more to my neices story but that is for another thread. LOL

#2. One of my brothers is a total a$%. He is a con-man (seriously) and is abusive to every women he has ever had in his life. His current girlfriend told me that he has a lock on the fridge because he thinks she is to fat. She is only allowed to eat when he tells her she can and what he tells her she can. He has been married 4 times and abused every single one of them. I cannot stand him and want nothing to do with him. My mom is furious with me that I do not support him. She tells me that he is a good person and I need to support him, because he is family.

#3. One of my other brothers cheated on his wife, got divorced, left his two kids here and up and moved to CO to start a new life with his NEW wife and her two kids. Then he whines and pouts to my mom that his kids want nothing to do with him. You don't say! I would not want anything to do with my dad who abandoned me either! My mom has ZERO tollerance for men who cheat on their wives, except my brother. She tells me that I need to support him, because he is family.

I disagee completely with my mother. To me, I don't really care who you are. If you do things that morally I believe are wrong, I do not and will not support you.

So what do you think, should you support family no matter what?

Kristine

Edited to add:

Now that I've read page 2 of this thread, I'll say it again:


Thank GOD I never got involved with Facebook.

 

[Boxley]

I grew up in a household that some would consider toxic and dangerous for children and yet my mother harped on us supporting each other no matter what, it wasn't until I was older that I realized that just because you are kin does not mean you turn a blind eye to their behavior. I was accused of betraying when I did not agree to some aspects of my family member's behavior but you know what? I realized that in the end the only person I had to answer to was myself and if I didn't believe that something was right or in the better interest of the children involved, then I would not be blinded by the so-called family ties. I believe in loving a family member but that does not mean I will always stand by and accept intolerable behavior.