Do you think you should support family, no matter what?

[connorlevismom]

So here is a question for you. Do you believe that you should support family no matter what they do? My mother believe that no matter what you should and I don't agree with her. Here are a couple examples.

#1. My neice is pregnant with her second baby. Both kids where not accidents and she got pregnant on purpose to try and trap the dads. The kids both have different dads and she get a lot of money from the goverment in the form of benefits. She gets subsidized child care where she only has to pay $300 per month for whatever daycare she chooses to send her kids to. She gets free health care for her and the kids where she can go to whatever Dr. she wants, and does not pay for anything. Including her deliveries which are both C-Sections. She gets WIC where they pay for a lot of her groceries and formula. On top of all that, she gets child support from both dads. Now, growing up my parents harped on us constantly that we are NOT to have babies before getting married and that we are to work our butts off and do no matter what it takes to survive. You so NOT take Govt. money. So, obviously, I am furious with my niece She is doing everything that I was taught not to do not only once, but TWICE! My mom is furious with me that I do not support her and tells me that I should support her no matter what, because she is family. There is a lot more to my neices story but that is for another thread. LOL

#2. One of my brothers is a total ***. He is a con-man (seriously) and is abusive to every women he has ever had in his life. His current girlfriend told me that he has a lock on the fridge because he thinks she is to fat. She is only allowed to eat when he tells her she can and what he tells her she can. He has been married 4 times and abused every single one of them. I cannot stand him and want nothing to do with him. My mom is furious with me that I do not support him. She tells me that he is a good person and I need to support him, because he is family.

#3. One of my other brothers cheated on his wife, got divorced, left his two kids here and up and moved to CO to start a new life with his NEW wife and her two kids. Then he whines and pouts to my mom that his kids want nothing to do with him. You don't say! I would not want anything to do with my dad who abandoned me either! My mom has ZERO tollerance for men who cheat on their wives, except my brother. She tells me that I need to support him, because he is family.

I disagee completely with my mother. To me, I don't really care who you are. If you do things that morally I believe are wrong, I do not and will not support you.

So what do you think, should you support family no matter what?

Kristine

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

We have shown family members like this the door, so to speak. They are not invited to family events. I do not allow them into my home.

I can see how a mother or father might overlook these things in their children, but I wouldn't let this change my stance. People like this are toxic and will hurt everyone in their lives - so why let them into your life?

Family is not determined by blood, for me. I have friends that are family, and relatives that are not...

 

[Robinrs]

You're asking this on the DIS??? I've seen people dump family members for offering them the wrong flavor CAKE!!

You will find LOTS of like minds here...

 

[cepmom]

nope. My brother is also a complete ***. He is a drunk, he has had his daughter taken away from him and was given the opportunity to get clean to get her back and he said no thank you. Now it's in court to place her permanently with her grandmother (not our mother) and he is fighting it. My mother supports him even though he has done nothing to get her back, nothing to get clean, misses his visits with her, and when he does show up he smells like booze etc. He is disgusting and I can't understand why my mpther continues to enable him. Sad really but I will have nothing to do with him anymore.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'm with you OP. My DH has 2 brothers that my 10 yo DD has never even met. One is a drug addict and has spent quite a bit of time in prison. He is physically and verbally abusive.
Other brother is a complete loser. He is also into drugs and also has no problem smacking his girlfriend or his kids around.
These are two people that we choose not to expose DD to. DH can't stand his brothers and to be honest wouldn't even attend their funerals.

 

[tinkntraining]

We have shown family members like this the door, so to speak. They are not invited to family events. I do not allow them into my home.

I can see how a mother or father might overlook these things in their children, but I wouldn't let this change my stance. People like this are toxic and will hurt everyone in their lives - so why let them into your life?

Family is not determined by blood, for me. I have friends that are family, and relatives that are not...

Ditto that!
In the past, I believe you needed to keep all family around you, because you were "family". Now that I'm older and wiser , I've realized that I don't need to keep toxic people in my life, whether we share a bloodline or not.

 

[Brit17]

IMO, the only ones you need to support and be there for are all the innocent children that are involved ...

 

[LuvOrlando]

No, my blood relatives behind me & my kids are a human form of cancer. I did what you do with cancer, cut out as much as you can, get treatment and wait to heal. If you let some people go they'll only spread whatever mess they're hosting.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

I think if your family members are good people who have made a bad choice....you should support them and help them make a better decision next time.

If your family members are bad people you should distance yourself from them.

Sounds like your Mother is an enabler. Her support is only going to make everyones issues worse.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

So here is a question for you. Do you believe that you should support family no matter what they do? My mother believe that no matter what you should and I don't agree with her. Here are a couple examples.

#1. My neice is pregnant with her second baby. Both kids where not accidents and she got pregnant on purpose to try and trap the dads. The kids both have different dads and she get a lot of money from the goverment in the form of benefits. She gets subsidized child care where she only has to pay $300 per month for whatever daycare she chooses to send her kids to. She gets free health care for her and the kids where she can go to whatever Dr. she wants, and does not pay for anything. Including her deliveries which are both C-Sections. She gets WIC where they pay for a lot of her groceries and formula. On top of all that, she gets child support from both dads. Now, growing up my parents harped on us constantly that we are NOT to have babies before getting married and that we are to work our butts off and do no matter what it takes to survive. You so NOT take Govt. money. So, obviously, I am furious with my niece She is doing everything that I was taught not to do not only once, but TWICE! My mom is furious with me that I do not support her and tells me that I should support her no matter what, because she is family. There is a lot more to my neices story but that is for another thread. LOL

#2. One of my brothers is a total a$%. He is a con-man (seriously) and is abusive to every women he has ever had in his life. His current girlfriend told me that he has a lock on the fridge because he thinks she is to fat. She is only allowed to eat when he tells her she can and what he tells her she can. He has been married 4 times and abused every single one of them. I cannot stand him and want nothing to do with him. My mom is furious with me that I do not support him. She tells me that he is a good person and I need to support him, because he is family.

#3. One of my other brothers cheated on his wife, got divorced, left his two kids here and up and moved to CO to start a new life with his NEW wife and her two kids. Then he whines and pouts to my mom that his kids want nothing to do with him. You don't say! I would not want anything to do with my dad who abandoned me either! My mom has ZERO tollerance for men who cheat on their wives, except my brother. She tells me that I need to support him, because he is family.

I disagee completely with my mother. To me, I don't really care who you are. If you do things that morally I believe are wrong, I do not and will not support you.

So what do you think, should you support family no matter what?

Kristine

I guess I'd need a little more info on what you mean by "support". I think it is possible to support someone (give them encouragement, a shoulder to lean on, occasional babysitting in an emergency, etc.) without agreeing with their choices.

I wouldn't cut the niece out of my life just because I didn't agree with her choices...mostly because her children are also your family and are the true victims here. Although many people frown on 'taking government money', if she is working and trying to improve herself so that she can eventually support herself then I would definitely give her any support she needs to achieve that goal. I wouldn't let her walk all over me, though...as they say, you make your bed, you lie in it. I would offer support, not a crutch!

Person #3 is a bit more complicated...does he regret his decision? Has he realized that he's screwed up? Although it's understandable why his kids have cut him out of his life, he probably didn't foresee that as a possible consequence to leaving his marriage (what can I say...SOME men are stupid!). As long as he's willing to admit that he's brought the situation on himself, I'd probably be able to support him now as he tries to rebuild his relationship with his kids. After all, I think it's probably in ALL of their best interests to do that

Person #2...nope, he'd be out of my life without a second glance.

 

[connorlevismom]

I guess I'd need a little more info on what you mean by "support". I think it is possible to support someone (give them encouragement, a shoulder to lean on, occasional babysitting in an emergency, etc.) without agreeing with their choices.

I wouldn't cut the niece out of my life just because I didn't agree with her choices...mostly because her children are also your family and are the true victims here. Although many people frown on 'taking government money', if she is working and trying to improve herself so that she can eventually support herself then I would definitely give her any support she needs to achieve that goal. I wouldn't let her walk all over me, though...as they say, you make your bed, you lie in it. I would offer support, not a crutch!

She works the bare minimum she needs to and has talked about being a SAHM once the new baby is born because it is what she has always wanted to do. She is someone who expects people to give her everything because she has nothing. She has nothing yet is always going to the MOA or chuckie cheese. Her son is in soccer and hockey and someone else watches him every weekend because "she needs a break". I will love that baby and I love her son, it is not their fault at all. I am mad at her because she made the decision to have two babies without any means to take care of them and seems to not want to better herself, she wants the easy way out.

Person #3 is a bit more complicated...does he regret his decision? Has he realized that he's screwed up? Although it's understandable why his kids have cut him out of his life, he probably didn't foresee that as a possible consequence to leaving his marriage (what can I say...SOME men are stupid!). As long as he's willing to admit that he's brought the situation on himself, I'd probably be able to support him now as he tries to rebuild his relationship with his kids. After all, I think it's probably in ALL of their best interests to do that

He does know that he did wrong however, he always has an excuse for it. He is sad that his kids don't want anything to do with them yet does nothing to try and build a relationship with them. He is in town at least twice a month for work and does not try to see them at all. He just sits and pouts and does the woe is me thing.

Person #2...nope, he'd be out of my life without a second glance.

That is how I feel.

 

[stashbin]

My mom is like that too. She has 2 sisters and a brother who have done nothing but cause grief to the family and she constantly puts their needs about her own...and her own children! It does hurt that she doesn't spend the time she should with her grandchildren because she is constantly attending to the needs of her siblings, but what can I do?

Based on my own experiences...ANYONE who keeps messing up despite the huge amounts of help they receive doesn't deserve my time. Family or not.

 

[kc10family]

Dr Laura comes to mind. Have you ever heard her? I bet she would say to stay away from those family members and tell them unless they change you will not allow them around your family.

And no I woud not have anything to do with my family members who did things like this.

 

[MIGrandma]

If I was your mother, I would not be supportive of the 3 family members you gave as examples. Would I still love them? Yes. But I would not agree with what they were doing, and I would say so.

I agree with you, not your mother.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I agree on it depends on what you mean by support. I do believe in supporting family in no matter many stupid situations they may land in. DO I have to agree with the way they lead their lives no but very few things I would abandon them on. BUT there are people Iin my family I would want to limit time with or if they were damaging to me then cut them out. BUT if they make these choices and live with them what can I do :shrug as long as I don't need to get in the middle. You still be a great aunt to his kids you can't force him to be a good dad. Your niece has to learn on her own what is cutting her out going to do. Be the good influence.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well, if the warrant pans out--I'm allowing my mother to be arrested b/c I refuse to loan her $1100.

I support my mom, but my bank account does not in the event of stupid mistakes.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Well, if the warrant pans out--I'm allowing my mother to be arrested b/c I refuse to loan her $1100.

I support my mom, but my bank account does not in the event of stupid mistakes.

Yeah money and family totally diffrent in my book. I think if you don't have money to GIVE them then don't do it. OTHERWISE I wouldn't loan money it casue way too much trouble.

 

[cheermom1]

I hear ya I have an aunt that we have cut out of our lives..only prob. is that only my parents and my sibs. have not the rest of the family and when there is a reunion or get together she is there...although mine is a bit more complicated as she does everything to make us look bad and consistently trying to contact us but when she does it is always with threats...

although I think I have to agree with the person that said that the niece should be kept a little closer. I mean if she trying to better herself and get off welfare that that is a good thing.
also about the guy who left his kids, while they won;t have the relationship they could have had, they need to give him a chance and if he blows it then they will know...

 

[Colleen27]

No, I don't think you have to support family no matter what. In many cases that's called "enabling". I understand your frustration, though. There is a close relative that my mother feels I should be supportive of who has done things that I could never forgive and want no part of, and it gets frustrating to hear how I should be more understanding. This person has shown time and again to be selfish, dishonest, and disloyal, and I see no reason I should be understanding or further enable that behavior, family or not.