Sorry, long post! LOL! And, I just want to add, it is actually totally drama-free. Not a sob story, at all. I actually laugh and joke a lot about my experience, though it was not funny, at the time.
I used to think suicide was selfish until I walked in those shoes....
About 15 years ago, I went through a sudden emotional trauma, that sent me into a severe depression. The trigger, for me, may have had almost no effect on someone else. We're all wired differently. I wasn't eating or sleeping and I began seeing a therapist right away. I never consciously considered suicide.....
At the time, DH and I were planning a trip to the Grand Canyon, with some friends. One day, I was driving to the store and thinking about the trip. I thought about where we would stay and what we would do. I visualized us all standing on the rim of the canyon. Then, I saw myself stepping off the edge!!
For the next few days I could
not get that image out of my head and could not think about going on the trip without seeing myself stepping off into the abyss. This is not something I had ever heard about suicidal people.....Once that switch had flipped in my brain, the thought of jumping into the canyon became like a compulsion! I did not
want to kill myself, but I also did not trust myself
not to! I had no control over it.
It scared me so much that I told DH what was going on, canceled the trip, and got myself to a Psychiatrist to be put on meds. Thankfully, it worked and I was only them a short time.
In my case, I had a history of anxiety and some mild depression, so had visited therapists on and off. I knew myself and my "emotional temperature" very well, so knew when I had crossed a serious line. I was fortunate to have a very supportive DH & Mom, who I could always be open and honest with, regarding what was going in my head, without fear of feeling misunderstood or stigmatized by seeking help. Not everyone has that.
If that switch in my brain had flipped, and: I had no experience with depression, never had the opportunity for introspection, did not have supportive people around me, did not have the means and resources (financial or otherwise) to get help, etc..., there is very little chance I would have survived the compulsion.
Imagine being in that situation with nowhere to turn. No, I don't think suicide is selfish, most of the time. We could argue that the
circumstances of a suicide are selfish (ie., doing it where a loved one will find them). But, I believe that, by the time someone has been driven to that point, they are literally out of their mind.
Since I went through that, I have lost one terminally ill friend to sucide and my best friends, bi-polar DH hanged himself but lived. He has permanant brain damage. I can only have have compassion for them.
By the way, I'm fine now, and have been for years.
