Do you stay home with your kids or work?

[MrsPete]

I would need a "both" choice in the poll. - I work IN the schools, so in the summer I stay at home.

Well, actually, I do too. Teaching is certainly not an easy job, but it is a great "mom job", and now that my oldest is in high school I'm seeing even more family benefits. I knew it'd be great to have summers off when they were smaller, but I didn't anticipate just how well teaching would fit in with having teenagers. We ride to school together, run errands together on the way home, and I know all her friends. She's getting lots more driving practice than most of her friends (because we don't have to go out in the evenings and make a special trip to let her practice). I'm pleased with my choices.

I have a friend who's a nurse who also has a great mom job: She works two 12-hour shifts on the weekends and is paid for a full week's work. She doesn't have to use daycare, and her husband has uninterrupted time with their kids on the weekend.

I'm not sure which of us has it better, but the point is that there are jobs out there that make it easier to work!

 

[Teresa Pitman]

And why do you think that working moms aren't ALSO leaving their children with these same intangibles?

Values, beliefs, work ethic, family traditions, life lessons, family stories, shared experiences . . . all good parents share these with their kids regardless of their time frames. It's a mistake to think that working parents can't provide these things too -- especially when you're talking about a two-parent household in which both parents are dedicated to providing their children with the best possible upbringing.

I didn't say anywhere that working moms aren't or can't also provide their children with intangible resources! I said this is something I believe I will be leaving my children with, even though they won't be getting a lot of money when I am gone. I am happy about that, and so I don't worry much about not leaving them a lot of money. I didn't mean to suggest that other people in other situations wouldn't also be leaving their kinds with their own values, life lessons, etc., and maybe tons of money too. I'm saying I value those intangibles more than the money, so if those are in place I don't care so much about leaving money.

I think people also have different ideas about what "the best possible upbringing" means and looks like. And probably the definition is different for different kids and different families. Which is probably a good thing.

And yes, I'm glad I'm Canadian. Just wish it was warmer in the winter...

Teresa

 

[ticktock]

It seems to me that you suffered because of your father's choices more than your mothers. Your mother stayed and did everything she could for you, your working father took off and didn't help at all.

Exactly.

 

[ticktock]

OP I'm a SAHM and have been for 15 years.

I wouldn't stay home if I couldn't provide the basics without going into massive debt. BUT I also would have a hard time dealing with my DH blowing money on video games etc... and telling ME that I was getting a free ride.

First of all I wouldn't be married to a grown man who spends his free time playing video games. Just, I'm sorry, words fail me on that one. There is no way.

If I had to work there is NO WAY DH would be spending money on "extras" that we didn't both enjoy. That wouldn't happen. I would rather be alone then subsidizing some guys video game, four wheeler, huge gun collection (not counting one or two rifles for hunting), have to eat lunch out every day, smoking, DVD collection, beer drinking or whatever etc... habits/hobbies. I would not work so that we could afford blow money for things I personally found stupid. No.

The last time we visited one of my sis inlaw's she was really pushing the why don't you work thing (I think she has a hangup about the whole SAHM issue because she is sterile from a botched abortion when she was young). I'm pretty socially oblivious so she really had to be obnoxious about it to get on my nerves KWIM? Anyway as we were driving home I turned to my DH and said something along the lines of "I can hang drywall, cook everything from Thai to classical French, lay a brick patio, write a dissertation on Friedman economics , dress a wound, sew, paint, grow anything from tomatoes to orchids etc... so if I was bringing home a big old paycheck.............. What the hell would I need YOU for?!?!" Heh. He agreed with me.

 

[disykat]

Oh, I know that SOME can, but MOST cannot -- not unless all the statistics we see from multiple sources are wrong. It's not hard to find news articles about families who are head-over-heels in credit card debt, upside down on mortgages and car loans, not saving for retirement. It's not a handful of people who are in these situations, and these clearly are not families who are able to do all these things on one salary.

Yikes! You're talking about people living beyond their means, not studies saying those people are in one income families.

In my personal experience, the people I'm aware of that live beyond their means ARE two income families. While that is my experience, I'm not going to fool myself into thinking how many people work or even how much they make really has anything to do with it. I know people that are happy and fiscally sound on really quite small incomes and people that live way beyond their means on incomes that are larger than I can imagine.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

OP I'm a SAHM and have been for 15 years.

I wouldn't stay home if I couldn't provide the basics without going into massive debt. BUT I also would have a hard time dealing with my DH blowing money on video games etc... and telling ME that I was getting a free ride.

First of all I wouldn't be married to a grown man who spends his free time playing video games. Just, I'm sorry, words fail me on that one. There is no way.

If I had to work there is NO WAY DH would be spending money on "extras" that we didn't both enjoy. That wouldn't happen. I would rather be alone then subsidizing some guys video game, four wheeler, huge gun collection (not counting one or two rifles for hunting), have to eat lunch out every day, smoking, DVD collection, beer drinking or whatever etc... habits/hobbies. I would not work so that we could afford blow money for things I personally found stupid. No.

The last time we visited one of my sis inlaw's she was really pushing the why don't you work thing (I think she has a hangup about the whole SAHM issue because she is sterile from a botched abortion when she was young). I'm pretty socially oblivious so she really had to be obnoxious about it to get on my nerves KWIM? Anyway as we were driving home I turned to my DH and said something along the lines of "I can hang drywall, cook everything from Thai to classical French, lay a brick patio, write a dissertation on Friedman economics , dress a wound, sew, paint, grow anything from tomatoes to orchids etc... so if I was bringing home a big old paycheck.............. What the hell would I need YOU for?!?!" Heh. He agreed with me.

I've been reading this thread for days--I'm glad it finally got back to the OP.

I am a SAHM,have been for quite a bit now. But the only reason we have made it work is because we have been frugal. There have been many times DH has wanted something and I've had to put my foot down but I do the same when it comes to purchases I want to make.

I think the comments the OP contributed to her DH had been blown a bit out of proportion due to her backpedaling. So I won't go there.

As for her looking for others to provide excuses to her so she can take it to her DH as an aid in getting her way--well that's unfair. Her DH is basing his side of the argument on what he is seeing/living every day and her side of the argument should be based on the same.

When they were pregnant she was going to return to work at the end of her maternity leave,when that time came he seen she was having difficulty wanting to do so and probably said something along the lines of "take more time" expecting her to work her way towards returning to work while he held down the fort. Now she is breaking the "agreement" yet again.

They should both know by now how much he makes and what they want to do with their lives. He wants to buy a house for his family,she's happy renting,he's looking to the future,she's living in the moment,who's right,who's wrong.

If I was the OP I'd be seriously considering returning to work at this point, there's no way I could in good conscience stay home knowing we had so much debt or that I was continuing to add to the debt with Disney trips,D23 subscriptions or tattoos and such.

And I sure as heck wouldn't be planning on trying to get pregnant in the next few months. I wouldn't even consider adding a new baby to an already tenuous financial situation. I don't know if that way of thinking is just me or common sense or what.

 

[Gammaresource]

The saddest thing about the mommy wars, or most ironic is that most people statistically speaking do a bit of all of it during their parenting years. But still need to participate in the pissing match.

 

[Gammaresource]

Oh, I know that SOME can, but MOST cannot -- not unless all the statistics we see from multiple sources are wrong. It's not hard to find news articles about families who are head-over-heels in credit card debt, upside down on mortgages and car loans, not saving for retirement. It's not a handful of people who are in these situations, and these clearly are not families who are able to do all these things on one salary.

And don't misread me: I think most people CAN make it just fine week-to-week, month-to-month, but I'm talking about long-term financial stability in addition to giving the kids the things I want to give them.

I'm advocating a healthy medium somewhere in betwen "I have to be the one who changes every diaper" and "What time does daycare open on Thanksgiving day?"

Where are the stats that state that it is the single paycheck families that are wracking up all of the debt? Most of the ones I know are quite frugal, and not caught up in the competitive collection of material stuff.

Mrs. Pete, I don't agree with all you've stated, but I do believe that everyone needs a solid education, boy and girl. There are no guarantees that the job markets won't change, but it does give one a leg up. Far more sense that the twit who said that SAHMs are wasting their educations.

 

[aprilgail2]

Just wanted to say that I get what you are saying (now and in your PP) and I agree with you!

My DH works two jobs to be able to pay the bills and still doesn't want me to work. The least I can do is make sure the house work is all done, he has a good meal, and the kids are not driving him crazy and that he gets to sleep.

He has so little free time now that he barely can get the yard work done. So I do as much as I can and only leave some of the handy man/yard work stuff for him.

Why would he even be doing any yard work if he is out working two jobs so you can stay at home???? I would have my butt out there cutting the lawn and doing the yard work!
I have to say I resented my mother through much of my childhood for not working- my day worked long days in the city so she could stay at home and I really resented that he had to work so hard and we didn't get to see him much just so she didn't have to work.

 

[beattyfamily]

Why would he even be doing any yard work if he is out working two jobs so you can stay at home???? I would have my butt out there cutting the lawn and doing the yard work!
I have to say I resented my mother through much of my childhood for not working- my day worked long days in the city so she could stay at home and I really resented that he had to work so hard and we didn't get to see him much just so she didn't have to work.

I said I leave him 'some of the yard work', not all of it. He enjoys doing it and takes pride in working on 'his' yard as he calls it. Geez.

Too bad you resented your mom. Thankfully my kids do not resent me. What works for us may not work for others.

 

[Gammaresource]

Why would he even be doing any yard work if he is out working two jobs so you can stay at home???? I would have my butt out there cutting the lawn and doing the yard work!
I have to say I resented my mother through much of my childhood for not working- my day worked long days in the city so she could stay at home and I really resented that he had to work so hard and we didn't get to see him much just so she didn't have to work.

Your father didn't have any say in the decision? Maybe that is what they as a couple decided was best. It is just easier to resent moms, I guess. Hope yours doesn't feel the same way about your choices.

 

[LaraK]

First, I have totally NOT read all the responses....I skimmed enough to see the mommy wars come out and hurt feelings abound, but I'll stick to the OP because the "working moms don't love thier kids" stuff pisses me off and I don't need stress.

I work. I work a high-stress, high powered job. The only time in my life I haven't worked were the 3 months of maternity leave I took with each kid (although I worked from home during those leaves). During my maternity leave I felt my brain melting away. I am just NOT cut out to be a SAHM. It's not in my personality. I love my kids dearly, but it's not for me.

My kids have been in daycare/school since they were infants. They thrived on the stimulation, socialization and exposure to diversity. Sure the got sick more when they were young, but once they hit school they'd already had everything, so it evened out. I never felt they had any ill effects from being "raised by someone else" because really, the adults that matter most to them are my husband and I.

Finally, I feel I give my kids more by working. Not in a monitary sense, but to see that a woman can be fulfilled in a career and excel in the workplace. My daughter had me come to the career day at school. She picked my clothes that day and put me in a power suit. When I asked what she wanted me to say about my job, she said she wanted me to say I fire people I showed the kids my pager and Blackberry...one little boy said "my dad has those"...It was nice to say that moms have them too.

I think you can do a lot as a working mom. I'm a Girl Scout Leader in addition to working full time. We do lots of activities and I'm able to give back to the community. Sure I'm busier than a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory, but it's a good tired. So if you do return to work, don't dread it, embrace that it also provides your kids with something that can help them later in life.

BTW...I have NOTHING against SAHMs or SAHDs....if it works for them, that's great. It's just not the path we took.

 

[aprilgail2]

I think you can do a lot as a working mom. I'm a Girl Scout Leader in addition to working full time. We do lots of activities and I'm able to give back to the community. Sure I'm busier than a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory, but it's a good tired. So if you do return to work, don't dread it, embrace that it also provides your kids with something that can help them later in life.
.

I also work full time, am PTA treasurer, run many events at school, am a girl scout leader and am at every single sporting event, concert, etc that my daughter has. I get 6 weeks vacation time at work so I take 4 in the summer and one at christmas and one at thanksgiving. She goes to summer camp the rest of the time in the summer and loves it. I leave for work an hour before she leaves for school and I get home from work 20 minutes after she does. When she was little I would go to work, come home for my lunch hour and have lunch with her and then go back to work, never went more than 3 hours without seeing her. Not such a bad deal, I always felt like I had the best of both worlds- could still feel like a productive member of society and bringing home the money and not have to go 9 hours without seeing/being with my daughter.

 

[Skatermom23]

Why would he even be doing any yard work if he is out working two jobs so you can stay at home???? I would have my butt out there cutting the lawn and doing the yard work!
I have to say I resented my mother through much of my childhood for not working- my day worked long days in the city so she could stay at home and I really resented that he had to work so hard and we didn't get to see him much just so she didn't have to work.

Why would you resent your mom? How would her working have changed things for your dad? My DH works about an hour from home and I stay home. His job wouldn't change if I was working and he would have to do more around the house and help with errands, leaving even less time with the family.

 

[SaraJayne]

No, but I bet you CAN find stories about people who upon their death bed said things like this:

I wish I was leaving my family with more resources.
I hate knowing that this means my wife'll probably have to sell the house -- but what can she afford?
I wish I could've left my kids with enough money for college.
I hate that I didn't have time to grow my business into something that could've become a legacy for my children and their children.​

It's wonderful to talk about putting your kids first, etc., etc., etc. BUT part of raising those wonderful kids is paying for their needs! I don't want my kids to grow up living in an apartment. I don't want my kids to go without braces, vacations, summer camps and other enrichment activities. I don't want them to have to get jobs at 16 so they can afford car insurance, and I don't want them to graduate from college deep in debt. I don't want them to be burdened someday with parents who have no retirement funds. Though my children are far from spoiled, raising them the way my husband and I chose means two incomes.

Uh oh. I guess I better tell my son we need to take his braces off, we have to sell our house (with a yard ) and move into an apartment, our Disney vacation is off, neither of of them can go to summer camp they've been looking forward to for months, and our summer vacation to a historical site is off.

Not all families that have a SAHM are poor.

ETA: For the poster that mentioned one income families are usually buried in debt, the only debt we have is our car loan and our mortgage.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I mean, do we really expect a woman who stays at home to say, "sure, you're right, it was a mistake to give up on my career and spend most of my days away from other adults, and make myself financially vulnerable if my husband has a midlife?" Do we really expect a woman who works to say, "sure, you're right, it was a mistake to work and miss important developmental milestones, and my kid probably misses me when I'm gone, and why is the money even important to me anyway?" I mean, we don't really expect that, right?

It's all about the individual and unique circumstances.

I've worked full time, part time, and was a SAHM for a while. No matter which path I was on at the time, someone, somewhere had an opinion about it being the wrong one. Unfortunately when it comes to this choice as a mom (and breastfeeding, but I won't go there) people tend to put down the choices that others make, probably to justify their own choices and make them feel better.
Clearly there were some days that I was frazzled from work, tired of carrying the laptop bag, running in a suit and heels to daycare 3 minutes before they closed and eating dinner after 7:00 at night. Some people thrive on the stress and love their jobs. I did prior to the addition of our son. But I found that it wasn't a food fit for me. I envied, even resented the women that were at the park pushing the swing in their sweats and flip flops while I was rushing home to a conference call.

There were other days when I was home where it felt like it was my 400th day in a row doing nothing but grocery shopping, laundry, and revolving my entire existence around naps, feeding and play dates. You know what they say about "be careful what you wish for". I would have given just about anything to be able hop on the bus and go to work with other adults, have a "lunch hour", and have some extra money for our family. I missed my job and my life outside of my house. I envied, even resented the women that were driving past me on the way home from work after having a good day at work.

I now work part time. I am very fortunate that I was able to find a new position where my work hours are during the time that my son is in school. I am able to bring him to the bus, go to work, come home when he is getting off the bus, and I am there for homework, sports practice and after school activities. It was not without sacrifice...it is a MUCH lower level position, and even if I was there full time, it was a tremendous pay cut. But it strikes a really good balance for our family, and I am able to keep my skills and resume current so that if I am in a position where I want to or need to go back to a higher level, full time position, I'm in a better position to do so.

So you tell me - am I a SAHM since I am home whenever my son is home from school? Am I a working mom, since I have a job outside the home? In the end, does it really matter? Not in the slightest.

I hate that we women still debate this after years of no solid proof that either lifestye proves to be better for the kid. And I hate that you will never see dads debate this at all - even though they are parents, too. Ladies, it does us no good to tear down one another's choices. And I think it's pretty safe to say, if you're not a good parent when you're working, you probably wouldn't be a good parent if you stay at home and vice versa. Because, in the end, we're all making the best of whatever circumstances we're in.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[Colleen27]

Why would you resent your mom? How would her working have changed things for your dad? My DH works about an hour from home and I stay home. His job wouldn't change if I was working and he would have to do more around the house and help with errands, leaving even less time with the family.

It is just easier to resent Mom, I think. I have a few friends who blamed their moms for their dads' work schedules, as though mandatory overtime and more work than fits into an 8 hour day would have just disappeared if Mom was working too, or for not having the money to keep up with the middle/high school Joneses. And on the flip side, I know people who resented that Mom worked because her working limited the free time available for fun/kid activities. Regardless of which choice the family makes, the kids always seem to blame Mom if they have a problem with it (even if that problem is nothing more serious than "grass is greener" syndrome).

 

[Colleen27]

I think yours is a very cool perspective, and I admire it. Personally I wish I had some of those talents (cooking/baking from scratch, entrepreneurship). I find that mine lie more in the corporate space. But I'm really glad you've found the right harmony for you + your family.

And I've wished at times that my talents/desires were more compatible with a corporate path. I disappointed a lot of my family & friends who expected me to do more with my academic achievements than focus on family & home, and for a few years when I was younger, I really struggled with whether or not I was wasting my potential by following the path of my interests rather than doing what was expected of me.

That's the problem with the Mommy Wars, from both sides. It makes women feel bad/wrong for following their dreams, whatever those dreams may be. Men never have to think about this crap!

 

[mom2aredhead]

OP -
I sent you a PM.

 

[HelenePA]

Why would he even be doing any yard work if he is out working two jobs so you can stay at home???? I would have my butt out there cutting the lawn and doing the yard work!
I have to say I resented my mother through much of my childhood for not working- my day worked long days in the city so she could stay at home and I really resented that he had to work so hard and we didn't get to see him much just so she didn't have to work.

Mine does the yard work too as well as work 2 jobs.. tell me what exactly I'm supposed to do with a 8month old baby while I do it.. its not easy to do this type of stuff with small kids who crawl or walk ya know.. Its easier for me to keep all 4 kids in the house while he does the yard quickly so no one gets hurt with flying rocks, & weed wacked (this hurts likes SO*)