Do you stay home with your kids or work?

[aprilgail2]

Some of his friends parents were routinely not home for dinner and the kids at 13 and 14 were on their own with no one really home till 7 or 8 at night. The kids were just hanging out and getting into trouble.

That was always my thought, people stay home when their kids are little but then go back to work when they are older and they can actually get into MORE trouble being on their own. My daughter will be in 8th grade when I retire and there will be no coming home to an empty house with who know who!!! I will get a very nice pension plus my 401K and be able to very comfortably stay home with my teenage daughter. It would not have been possible if I had stopped working and just STARTED a new job when she went to school . I have friends that will be just going to work and starting their careers at 45 or 50!!!!!

 

[m&m's mom]

I work between 35-40 hours a week.
I work from home at my corporate world job and DH works out of the house at his company so we are both at home whenever our kids get home.
I feel so incredibly blessed to make very good money and still be there for my kids.
OP- I really think in your situation you should be looking for a part-time job at least.

 

[suejai]

I stayed home with my son until he went into grade one. I then went back to work. I didn't mind my job, it had it's moments, it was even related to my degree. But things started getting worse and worse in terms of management, blah blah long story. My DH is finally making enough that I don't have to work so I am once again a SAHM It took me a month to realize that I wasn't just on holiday

I realized that I was bored and fed up at work, and just not happy, DH was getting very tired of listening to me gripe. I may decide to go back to school and get my Masters or I may get my certification so I can work with DH in his company. However, I really do like being home, and my DS14 says he really likes that I am home when he gets here. Just when you think they are moving away, you realize that they still need you.

While I absolutely believe in equal opportunities for women, I also think that the whole concept of having a parent stay home has lost it's importance and significance in our society. That it is not regarded as being an important role. It is really only accepted when the kids are small, and then there is the push to go back to work. There is much to be said for a well run household and its value to everyone in it. That is my rant for the moment. I could go on, but I won't.

PS: I do realize that for very many people there is no option, both parents must work, we were in that boat for a lot of years.

 

[krosmith]

Hi,

I have been a stay at home mom for over eight years. I also homeschool my son. There are so many benefits to being a stay at home mom. Ultimately, the choice has to be yours. Each of us has to travel our own road, and be happy with our journey. Sometimes finanacially there really is no choice. But a previous post was right, discussing it with your DH and coming to a decision together is ideal. Good Luck!

Kathryn

 

[brytorlyn]

That was always my thought, people stay home when their kids are little but then go back to work when they are older and they can actually get into MORE trouble being on their own. My daughter will be in 8th grade when I retire and there will be no coming home to an empty house with who know who!!! I will get a very nice pension plus my 401K and be able to very comfortably stay home with my teenage daughter. It would not have been possible if I had stopped working and just STARTED a new job when she went to school . I have friends that will be just going to work and starting their careers at 45 or 50!!!!!

I always felt that way to...seems maybe even more important to be around for your preteen/teenager...take it from someone with DS22, DD18 and DD8...the teenage years are when the real roller coaster ride begins...

 

[brytorlyn]

Hi,

I have been a stay at home mom for over eight years. I also homeschool my son. There are so many benefits to being a stay at home mom. Ultimately, the choice has to be yours. Each of us has to travel our own road, and be happy with our journey. Sometimes finanacially there really is no choice. But a previous post was right, discussing it with your DH and coming to a decision together is ideal. Good Luck!

Kathryn

Just wanted to say "Hi" to a fellow hoemschooling Mom!

 

[MoniqueU]

My Dh's is also a job that is not 9-5 and he can't split the duties with me. If he found a job that would allow that and I got a job we would probably not make as much money as he makes alone by having the freedom he does.

We actually had a long talk yesterday about it because my housekeeping skills have been pretty lacking lately. I contend that part of it is that we keep moving so it's hard to get into a routine or organized when you know you are moving in a few months. We have moved every year or less for the last 6 years. Once we get back up North and buy a house I think it will be much better.

Once we are done having kids, if my business hasn't worked out, then I would LOVE to find a job in a school cafeteria. It works with my education and my background so I'll keep my fingers crossed for that!

Don't worry about your housekeeping skills they grow up and then they clean. My dd cleaned 2 weeks in a row!!! I call myself the anti wife because I am not at all domestic. For our first wedding anniversary I made van de kamps fish fillets and tator tots!! I went all out.

 

[tonilea]

My DH is a police officer and I used to be, so I know what he deals with on a regular basis. One of my big fears for DH is him not getting enough sleep. It is one of the "Ten Deadly Errors" I am sure your husband is familar with them:

THE TEN DEADLY ERRORS
10 Deadly Sins 10 Deadly Errors of Law Enforcement or Police work

1. Lack of Concentration: If you fail to keep your mind on the job while on patrol or carry home problems into the field, you start to make errors. It can cost you and your fellow officers their lives.

2. Tombstone Courage: Just what it says, if time allows wait for backup. There are very few instances where you should try and make a dangerous apprehension unaided.

3. Not Enough Rest: to do your job you must be alert. Lack of sleep or being sleepy can endanger yourself, the community and fellow officers.

4. Taking a Bad Position: Never let anyone you are questioning or about to stop get in a better position than you are. THERE IS NO SUCH ANIMAL AS A ROUTINE STOP!!!

5. Not Heeding the Danger Signs: As a cop you will get to recognize "danger signs". Movements, strange cars, warnings that should alert you to watch your step and approach with caution. Know your beat and watch for what is out of place.

6. Failure to Watch the Hands of a Suspect: Is he or she reaching for a weapon or getting to smack you? WHERE ELSE CAN A KILLER STRIKE FROM, BUT FROM THEIR HANDS!!!!

7. Relaxing Too Soon: YES, the rut of false alarms are accidental or whatever. Still, observe the activity. NEVER take any call as routine or just another false alarm. It could be your *** on the line.

8. Improper Handcuffing: Once you have made the arrest, handcuff the prisoner CORRECTLY! See that the hands that can kill you are safely secured.

9. No Search or Bad Search: There are too many places to hide a weapon that if you fail to search you are guilty of committing a crime against other officers that will have contact with your prisoner. Many people carry weapons and are able and ready to use them on you. Never assume that the next guy or the jailer will do a "GOOD" search.

10. Dirty or Inoperative Weapon: Is your sidearm clean? How about the bullets? Did you clean your weapon since the last range? Or have you even shot or practiced drawing your weapon recently? Can you hit your target in a combat situation? You must practice faithfully and religiously.

I became a SAHM a few weeks before DS was born. I stayed home full time the first year. I got a call from my old boss and they asked if I would come back and work part time - just a day a week. It quickly turned into two days a week and I kept that up for two more years and then I became pregnant with twins. Things got complicated and I quit working, but lost both babies anyway. After that, I stayed home for another year and just this past Feb. started working part time as a substitute teacher. I really enjoyed working at my old job, but it wouldn't really work with DS in school and having activities after school and so on.

 

[Colleen27]

I've been a SAHM for almost 11 years now, though I've done various work-from-home jobs here and there and I handle the phones/paperwork side of DH's company as well. DH is almost a SAHD during the winter too, because his business is so seasonal, but he works long hours during the summer. It certainly isn't a lifestyle that would work for everyone and we couldn't do it if we didn't live in a very low cost of living area, but I'm very glad that DH & I have always been on the same page about wanting one of us to be available for the kids at all times. It hasn't always been easy and it has taken a lot of self-discipline to get where we're at now (completely debt-free was a great 30th birthday gift to myself!), but it is well worth it.

 

[bedillamouse]

I am a SAHM right now. I have been for almost 5 years. I love being able to take the kids to the doctors whenever they need to (which was good as it turned out my DD had medical issues in the begining that would have seen me fired from my job anyway). But there are times that I miss the outside job because staying at home is work...non stop. NO taking a break at the water cooler or even using the restroom by yourself . It also means that you are "on" all the time. (I say that but I know you moms who are working are working hard but somedays I get jealous of the thought of a possible adult conversation during the day!)

I had a good job that paid well but my DH travels internationally and is sometimes gone for weeks or months at a time....my old job also required travel (not as long and in the US). we quickly realized that we couldn't both travel and raise children. I admire women who work full time and raise children and clean the house and etc etc and at the same time I admire us SAHM who work at home. I really think that you have to sit down and examine what is best for you and your family and compare the costs of not working to working. SAHM are not better than working mothers and working mothers are not better than SAHM ....you do what is best for your family.

 

[Colleen27]

Well before the extra money ran out, it was that I'd go back to work when DD went to school. They when DH gets mad at me, I'm told that I "get a free ride around here", etc... So I think he's jealous that he has to literally go to work, but he also doesn't understand that I DO WORK... AT HOME, it's hard watching a baby all day and he's never done it, so he doesn't get it. DH thinks that he will watch her in the AM, so he will get about 6 hours of sleep a day, then work, then do it all over again the next day.

My DH would be in some serious trouble if he ever said something like that to me! He came close a few times when he was working in a job that he really disliked, but it only took one conversation to get at the real issue, and at that point he was once again happy to have me at home because I did most of the legwork in getting everything in order for him to start his own business.

You two really need to sit down and talk about this, not only about the finances but also about the logistics. It doesn't sound like he's thinking about everything that you do and he's probably underestimates what will be involved in sharing those duties. I also think he's a little nuts to think that he's going to be able to function on so little sleep on an ongoing basis!

If I were in your shoes, I'd do some brainstorming and come up with options that would allow you to earn some money from home, a solid list of ways to save money each month, and a budget that balances his desires with a little penny pinching. If you take a multi-focused approach, you might be able to find ways to pay down debt and save for a house without seeking out of the house employment.

 

[Colleen27]

While I absolutely believe in equal opportunities for women, I also think that the whole concept of having a parent stay home has lost it's importance and significance in our society. That it is not regarded as being an important role. It is really only accepted when the kids are small, and then there is the push to go back to work. There is much to be said for a well run household and its value to everyone in it. That is my rant for the moment. I could go on, but I won't.

 

[HelenePA]

Don't worry about your housekeeping skills they grow up and then they clean. My dd cleaned 2 weeks in a row!!! I call myself the anti wife because I am not at all domestic. For our first wedding anniversary I made van de kamps fish fillets and tator tots!! I went all out.

Whoah whoah whoah! They start to clean? Actually my oldest is a bit of a clean freak I love that girl. Too bad the rest can't follow in her footsteps!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

My DH is a police officer and I used to be, so I know what he deals with on a regular basis. One of my big fears for DH is him not getting enough sleep. It is one of the "Ten Deadly Errors" I am sure your husband is familar with them:



I became a SAHM a few weeks before DS was born. I stayed home full time the first year. I got a call from my old boss and they asked if I would come back and work part time - just a day a week. It quickly turned into two days a week and I kept that up for two more years and then I became pregnant with twins. Things got complicated and I quit working, but lost both babies anyway. After that, I stayed home for another year and just this past Feb. started working part time as a substitute teacher. I really enjoyed working at my old job, but it wouldn't really work with DS in school and having activities after school and so on.

Just wanted to send you a hug. So sorry for your losses.

Whoah whoah whoah! They start to clean? Actually my oldest is a bit of a clean freak I love that girl. Too bad the rest can't follow in her footsteps!

Could you send her over to talk to my DD15 and DD10? They are fantastic kids but don't have that cleaning gene in them at all.

 

[smidgy]

I admit I haven't read through the whole thread.

I was SO lucky to be able to be a SAHM while my boys were little (I'm 52 now, and they are grown, so admittedly, it was difl time; but even then, times were tough)

but, actualy, I did part time things now and then. example: for a while, I tended bar 3 nights a week, and hubby was home with the baby. when we had 2 kids, I sold Avon for a while. I worked at a photo lab 3 nights a week for a while. and, for a while, I babysat other children in my home, just for extra grocery money, etc. but, basically, when they were preschool age, I was home with them and those were the best years of my life!!(sigh!)

I know people who cleaned houses or worked in school cafeterias during school hours, and were still able to be home while their kids were home. If you can, try to depend only on the one salary until the kids are in school. you won't regret those few years home with them. i know things aren't the same as they were back then,
maybe you can swap babysitting with another mom, and both get part time jobs? or find a night job and swap "babysitting" with your hubby? even back in "the day", before the economy went south, a lot of moms I knew worked nights, a few nights a week, and dad spent time with the kids. waitress, tend bar.
I know I was SO lucky to be able to be a "room mom", etc while I worked some nights you do what you can. good luck!

 

[smidgy]

I didn't understand the question....
Do I stay home with kids OR work

I stay home with kids...but boy do I ever work!
I don't understand the original question....

Idon't think the OP meant that SAHMs don't "work". getting into semantics here. as a previous SAHM, I know how much work it is, plus I was a volunteer at the school and had ran a women's bible study in my home. I can't even imagine the work involved in home schooling! God bless you! (even if hubby made enough money, I don't think I could do that.. I give you great credit!)

some people just can't afford to have a SAHM. and you have to make decisions. are the children better off with one parent home all the time(and it could be the dad). gee, I think.. yes. can everyone afford that? not.
by the time you figure out gas money, babysitting money, etc. etc. we ALL have been through this scenario. is it worth it?
can we all stay home until the kids graduate from high school and go away to college? In this day and age, if mom stayed home till all the kids were through with high school, there is no money for college!
I would LOVE to tell all moms to stay home, be housekeepers, BE that home that all the kids love to play at. (I was lucky enough to do that for quite some time.) now that my kid's friends are adults, I still run into them, and they STILL call me MOM. but not everyone can do that. I was lucky enough to work part time while they were in school, and get to know all their friends while they were in high school.
(however, now that hubby has been laid off for 2 years, I kinda wished I had worked on my career all those years.) but I still cherish those years.
so.. young moms now...things are different... If your hubby makes enough money for you to stay home, and home school your kids... God bless you.
If not.. do NOT feel guilty. do what you have to do. maybe work different hours than hubby, and share child rearing and household chores with dad. and/or swap babysitting with friends and nieghbors. work part time, if you can. babysit yourself. hey, we're all in this together!!!

 

[mumom95]

My kids are 9 and 8. I was a full time teacher before my ds was born, but gave that up once he came along. When my youngest started first grade last year, I started subbing a couple of days a week. I still do that, some weeks I may sub 5 full days, other weeks I only sub one 1/2 day. It all depends on what jobs are out there, what I have going on, and what I want to spend money on. Subbing isn't the best job in the world, but the flexibility is great. And the nicest part is that I don't have to worry about childcare during the summer, or having to quit my job during the summer to stay home with the kids.

I'm very lucky that my dh makes good money at a job he loves. We aren't rich, but we do ok on one salary, and the little bit I make is nice for some of the extras.

 

[smidgy]

Just wanted to send you a hug. So sorry for your losses.



Could you send her over to talk to my DD15 and DD10? They are fantastic kids but don't have that cleaning gene in them at all.

what if the cleaning gene wasn't necessary? what if...the house wasn't sparkly clean.. maybe there is play-dough on the coffee table and "silly soap" on the bath tub tiles? and sidewalk chalk on the driveway?... my grandson loves to "help " me make breakfast, cause I don't yell at him if he cracks the eggs and some of them fall on the floor. just sayin'..........

 

[RN4Babies]

I think you have some deep relationship issues that you and your husband need to sort out. You seem to be headed for disaster





Please, for the sake of your marriage, your daughter and your sanity—Cancel your trip STOP the debt! You will thank yourself in the future

ITA with this post. If I had that kind of debt, I'd be working and bringing in as much income as possible (yes, even if my MIL had to babysit once or twice a week). From what's been posted here, it sounds like you and your DH have different goals and philosophies. You really need to be on the same page and have a plan you can both live with.

The only debt I have is my mortgage. I pay cash for my vehicles, I have an eight month salary emergency fund, I have tax deferred college savings accounts for both of my kids, and I have about $400,000 in my 401k account for my retirement (it was about $700,000, but we all know what the market's done ).

How do I do it as a single mom? I'm frugal day to day, with an eye on the future. The last time we went out to eat was when we were in Florida in February. Our trip to WDW in February was our first "big" trip anywhere, and my son is 18 years old; most years we made do with long weekend camping trips. I rarely buy processed foods; I make almost everything from scratch, including bread. I can't tell you the last time I bought anything brand new for myself. I buy good, reliable used vehicles that I can afford to pay cash for. I do my own oil changes, small home repairs and maintenance, etc. I shop at Aldi's, Trader Joe's and the sales at two large grocery stores if I have coupons for the items on sale and it's something we'll eat/use. My kids and I frequent our state parks, we play board games and we check out movies from the library for free. Yes, my son has PlayStation 3; he bought it with his own money, and has three video games for it. He bought the games used from a used video game store in town; he couldn't justify buying them new.

I strongly suggest you post your situation on the budget board; there are lots of people there with great ideas for how to pay down debt. Again, Dave Ramsey gives very solid advice as well. IMO, until you're free of your debt, you can't afford to stay at home. Cancel the Disney trip and put that money towards your debt consolidation loan; you'll sleep better and be a lot less stressed in the long run.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I stayed home with my DS for over 2 years although I did work part-time that whole time teaching college classes.

Finances recently dictated that I go back to work and I found a wonderful job at the college where I have been teaching and I went back to work full-time in March.

Honestly, I love being back at work. It gives me a sense of purpose and I love all the social interaction. My DS is doing fantastic in pre-school too. His speech was delayed but now after being in school he is talking up a storm and using the potty on his own.

All that to say, being a SAH-parent is an amazing thing, but if you can't afford to do it, you and your child will still be fine.

I feel incredibly grateful that we made it work for me to be a SAHM for 2 years but I really am thrilled to be back at work too.

I did hold out for a job I really wanted though - I wouldn't have taken just any job - it had to be something I would love and I'm glad I went that route.