DZNYLVR- I am sorry to hear about all the stress. It sounds like you and DH have a lot to work out besides just this matter---a lot of times, disagreements like this rear their ugly head due to a deeper issue....it almost sounds like he doesn't respect you and that in itself is a HUGE red flag for a marriage. So I think maybe you start with those issues first. also, the financial issues are big- it sounds like maybe you are living slightly beyond your means so the extra funds would make a difference. having that much debt and you still do a vacation? sometimes you need to sit down as a family and re-prioritize and tighten the belt. It's about what you need, not always what you want. I say going back to work or at least finding a way to have more income coming in is important, also revising your budget is probably key here too. In the end, I know you want to just do right by your kids and family.
here is an example of the 'no respect' issue---you say---you are used to being treated that way----no one should just accept that, but it sounds like you have for so long, that it is standard, so you both have created this situation of no respect. He doesn't respect what you do (and yes, it is work!!), but i think in cases like this, both parties have a role.
I'm used to the way I'm treated, so it's not really anything new. ....
Hopefully you guys can work out the best solution for your situation.
For me- I am a FT working mom and have always been. I've worked since HS. I work as a marketing director 8:30-5:30 M-F. DH works about 9-6 and is home about 7pm. My DS went to montessori day care when he was about 10 weeks old. He loves it there and gets so much great social interaction and education through the montessori program.
do I wish I could be a SAHM, yes. Could we 'afford' to do it, yes, if we cut back a lot. We bought our house and did our mortgage knowing what we could afford, even if it came to only one salary. So me staying at home is a goal for me one day, but just not practical now as I make 50% of our income. DH is a HUGE SAVER and extremely frugal (which can be frustrating!). He saves thousands every month and won't let us touch it for vacations or antyhing else- it is the 'emergency fund'. But if i were to be laid off, we'd be fine for a while.
Because we both work, we paid off over $20k we had in debt a few years ago, 2 student loans and 2 cars (we refuse to have more than one car payment at a time too). Paying off that debt was a priority, hence me working. Now that we are debt free except for our mortgage, we can start to plan if I could be a SAHM or not. We still save a lot and put a lot in DS's college fund. The college fund is a big deal for us too- as DH had to work third shift 12 hours each ngiht at GM to pay his way through college and drive an hour there and back each day. He doesn't want our son to struggle so much. Not that we will spoil him, we just want him to have it a bit easier to focus on school. He is only 18 months old.
I am working still to make updates and rennovations to our house and once that is done, I am bringing up the subject again with DH about SAHM. There is a certain standard of living we are used to and it would be hard to go backwards, so I am trying to save up and take care of things i know will cost before I even consider quitting. 50% of the income is a huge cut to adjust too, but it can be done if you want it bad enough. Like someone said, cable, cell bills, shopping, eating out, vacations.....it is all about what quality of living you want. right now, I want some of that stuff and want to afford to take DS to disney and other places.
I am sort of torn as well- I really want to spend time with my son and watch him grow and want to start TTC #2, which could be hard (DS is an IVF baby). So after 2 years of trying to have him, I really cherish him and feel guilty leaving him! I hate going to work and missing him all day, but at the same time, I do like the challenge and reward of my work too. I know I would miss it on some level after a while and miss the respect. It is well known that SAHM often don't get the respect they deserve and I would miss that greatly too- you don't realize how your job is sometimes tied to your self-esteem in a weird way. So both have their pros and cons.
Ideally, I'd like to either be a SAHM or find a more flexible work from home job part time. I know we are really blessed to own a home, be debt free and have our health and family. but we always want more, don't we?
and my home duties wouldn't change much- I already do all the laundry, dishes, cooking, take out the trash, wash the cars, etc. I just am a neat freak and do it all before DH has a chance. So I am susie homemaker on top of working FT. So DH would have a spotless house- but he does already. I know adding a child or two or three in the mix all day really changes the dynamic though.
I dream of the day I can just take DS to the museum on a tuesday, or go for a nice walk in the middle of the day and hit the playground. Maybe someday! Can we win the lottery already?
Worst phone call of my life.
