Do you stalk your kids???

[Annadesu]

There needs to be a fine line. It's good that people want to protect their kids, and make sure that they're not getting into trouble online/with phones. But at the same time, controlling every move or every word that comes out of your kid's mouth... it's just not possible. They need to learn, grow, and yes... screw up, and solve their own problems. My parents were overly strict when it came to computers/phones, and it was very unnecessary. I'm 28 now, and my friends still laugh about some of the things they did. I met my (now) husband because of an online forum, and we couldn't tell my parents until after I moved out. They would have lost their minds.

If your kids do something that they know they shouldn't be doing... then by all means, punish them. Set guidelines, and tell them how you expect them to behave. But don't punish them for crimes they haven't committed. But if you try and control every move they make, they're just going to become bitter towards you, and they will shut you out of their lives as much as possible.

 

[Sparkly]

My parents never felt the need to have my login information or even my account names so they could create their own and follow me. I had complete unsupervised access to the internet and never once had a discussion with either parent about "internet safety". I just had common sense! (I didn't have a boyfriend asking for inappropriate photos or friends who wanted to go out and party, either, so that may have helped...)

Same here! Even when I used MSN messenger at like 11/12, my parents rarely got involved or asked to see any of the conversations. I only added kids from my school though, never told anyone else my email unless I knew them. I just figured out the internet safety thing. If a kid was bugging me, I just blocked them or dealt with them myself.

 

[LisaR]

Can't say I blame them any. When I was a teen I'd talk on the phone with my friends for hours and hours. If a parent was on the extension listening in, it would have been a 30 second phone call. It's not that we were doing anything wrong - but that we needed friend only time to talk about cute boys, and music, and clothes, and yes - to complain about our parents.
Kids aren't stupid. If parents are monitoring what they're doing the important conversation will happen else where.

Good! And it should. Important conversations should be held in a place where the entire world can't see it. Kids today don't have a sense of privacy anymore and it isn't because parents are "snooping" at their PUBLIC accounts. They are far more inclined to share their business with the world. You're right, we would have hung up the phone if we thought our parents were listening in, yet there are plenty of kids using their real name, pictures of themselves, and posting intimate details of their lives on the internet. Don't blame the parents.

Teens need privacy too, they need their own outlet and the ability to vent. In this day and age, that is done via social media. Unlike when I was a teen and my father was threatening to have the house phone surgically implanted in my ear our kids use social media. I'm okay with that, we discuss online safety but I don't monitor it or feel the need to log onto their account to make sure I'm included. My kids are way smarter than I am when it comes to technology, no way am I naïve enough to think I could have the upper hand.

There's the key word. PRIVACY! The internet isn't private and any kid posting their life story with pictures and their real name can't possibly be stupid enough to think it is private.

I did monitor my kids social media when they were young with their full knowledge. I don't consider it snooping if they know I'm doing it. As they got older, I stopped. DD (18) does have a public Twitter with her real name and plenty of pictures. I do read it, but I don't follow her. She knows I read it and she will text me, "Go read what I just put on Twitter. It's hilarious." She knows not to post anything she wouldn't want a future employer to read. She can post "private" things via text messages and snapchats which would be much harder for a boss to find.

Over the Christmas break, someone DD knows worked at a retail store while she was home from college. I guess this girl had worked there during high school so they let her get some hours over the break. According to DD, the girl was posting on Twitter everyday about how much she hated her job and her boss. They fired her!! She was dumbfounded. She seriously couldn't understand how what she posted on Twitter had to do with how she did her job. I can't figure out how an 18 y/o could honestly be that stupid. The internet isn't private. If you want privacy, go elsewhere!

 

[JanaDee]

No, I don't. I don't read texts, don't monitor their online accounts (FB, twitter, snapchat, Instagram, etc). Neither one of them has given me any reason I should.

If you're reading their texts, you're fooling yourself if you think you're seeing even a quarter of them. The delete button is a very effective tool.

As for FB, I am friends with my DS, but I know as well as he does how to post things so certain people don't see them. Teens rarely use FB anymore, they've moved on to other social media.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Both of my children are older and while we are friends, they restrict what they want me to see and I think that is for the best.

For the parents who don't know Snap Chat is a picture or wording that last 15 seconds and then is deleted. Well deleted in the sense that the owners of snap chat have it and own it but others know longer see it. While most children do quick selfies, this is the worst of the social medias there is!

 

[Callie]

Thank you for being patient with us moms

I really don't mind it. I don't think she does it to stalk us, just does it to keep caught up!

 

[rszdtrvl]

You betcha!

DS lost his Facebook account so many times due to multiple "woe is me" posts that as soon as I got a Facebook account I told him that he HAD to be my friend. I also have his password and will go in there and "clean house" if I need to.

As for Twitter, SnapChat, etc. I don't have accounts, but have not seen anything inappropriate on them while I peek over his shoulder.

I know he SnapChats random photos of stuff - including himself (but only APPROPRIATE photos).

 

[luvsJack]

You betcha!

DS lost his Facebook account so many times due to multiple "woe is me" posts that as soon as I got a Facebook account I told him that he HAD to be my friend. I also have his password and will go in there and "clean house" if I need to.

As for Twitter, SnapChat, etc. I don't have accounts, but have not seen anything inappropriate on them while I peek over his shoulder.

I know he SnapChats random photos of stuff - including himself (but only APPROPRIATE photos).

What's a "woe is me" post?

 

[lurkernj]

If my kids only knew the extent of my "creeping", lol. I've gotten better now that older DS is in college.

I have my younger DS(15) facebook password. He never goes on anymore, but I can see what his friends are up to. This has faded over the past year or so since they are all doing twitter and instagram though.

I've also been known to read texts if they are careless enough to leave their phones laying around. I also compiled a list of their friends phone numbers so I know who they are texting.

I managed to bust older DS sneaking out to see his girlfriend (twice) in the middle of the night by doing this. They would text til midnight, then there would be a 3 hr break and the texting would resume at 3am (after texting his brother to let him in cause he couldn't get in the house). I confronted him and he was baffled at how I could possibly know this. He was 18 so I didn't make a big deal about it, but just wanted him to know I have eyes on him

 

[mamacatnv]

Good! And it should. Important conversations should be held in a place where the entire world can't see it. Kids today don't have a sense of privacy anymore and it isn't because parents are "snooping" at their PUBLIC accounts. They are far more inclined to share their business with the world. You're right, we would have hung up the phone if we thought our parents were listening in, yet there are plenty of kids using their real name, pictures of themselves, and posting intimate details of their lives on the internet. Don't blame the parents.





There's the key word. PRIVACY! The internet isn't private and any kid posting their life story with pictures and their real name can't possibly be stupid enough to think it is private.

I did monitor my kids social media when they were young with their full knowledge. I don't consider it snooping if they know I'm doing it. As they got older, I stopped. DD (18) does have a public Twitter with her real name and plenty of pictures. I do read it, but I don't follow her. She knows I read it and she will text me, "Go read what I just put on Twitter. It's hilarious." She knows not to post anything she wouldn't want a future employer to read. She can post "private" things via text messages and snapchats which would be much harder for a boss to find.

Over the Christmas break, someone DD knows worked at a retail store while she was home from college. I guess this girl had worked there during high school so they let her get some hours over the break. According to DD, the girl was posting on Twitter everyday about how much she hated her job and her boss. They fired her!! She was dumbfounded. She seriously couldn't understand how what she posted on Twitter had to do with how she did her job. I can't figure out how an 18 y/o could honestly be that stupid. The internet isn't private. If you want privacy, go elsewhere!

First and this is just my opinion but the things that I would keep Private are different from what my kids view to be things to keep private and different from what my older Auntie views as private. Private is rapidly changing and I think sometimes as parents we need to step back and be aware of change.

As for the employer, again, this is just my opinion. I don't care if someone hates me as a boss and posts it all over for the world to see. If they do the job I hired them to do and leave their attitudes at the door, then why should I care?

Again, that is just me but I truly do not understand the whole concept of employers, colleges etc "looking you up" there is so much room for error I really don't think it is as common as parents who preach it like to think. There was a thread last week about whether employers check social media and the response was pretty mixed.

 

[LisaR]

First and this is just my opinion but the things that I would keep Private are different from what my kids view to be things to keep private and different from what my older Auntie views as private. Private is rapidly changing and I think sometimes as parents we need to step back and be aware of change.

As for the employer, again, this is just my opinion. I don't care if someone hates me as a boss and posts it all over for the world to see. If they do the job I hired them to do and leave their attitudes at the door, then why should I care?

Again, that is just me but I truly do not understand the whole concept of employers, colleges etc "looking you up" there is so much room for error I really don't think it is as common as parents who preach it like to think. There was a thread last week about whether employers check social media and the response was pretty mixed.

While I don't think all employers or colleges check social media, some most certainly do. And if you are stupid enough to put the name of the place you work in the post and talk about what an idiot your boss is, you risk the consequences of someone finding out and firing you.

Also, I don't disagree that we all have a different level of private. That doesn't change the fact that the internet isn't private. I can't equate the word snooping with the internet. Public information is just that, public. If you (general you) are worried about someone, anyone (boss, parent, boyfriend, best friend, enemy, your college, etc) seeing what you are posting, don't post it in a public place.

Remember the days before the internet when the best way to communicate with a group of complete strangers was to hang a sign up on the bulletin board of the local grocery store? Times sure have changed and what we'd write on those signs is sure different than what we post on the internet!

 

[Momof4gr8boys]

I not only stalked my oldest son while he was deployed, I stalked every one of his friends. My son rarely posts on FB so I got to see what he was doing and that he was safe through his buddies. I knew so much about their families my son told me he was a little creeped out! LOL I don't really look at FB anymore and I rarely go on his page now that he is stateside but it truly kept me sane for those months.

 

[lauradis]

I read a study that says 87 percent of teenagers have an average of six social media accounts, and oftentimes those include duplicate accounts on the same service.

Which means: Decoy accounts.

haha mom knows how to read the history on the computer go ahead.

see what happens to your internet access at home, what cell phone, what birthday.

 

[luvsJack]

For those that have passwords and check accounts, read texts, etc. Why? What are you worried about your kid doing exactly?

Not saying you are wrong for it, I just am wondering why you feel that you need to.

 

[lauradis]

For those that have passwords and check accounts, read texts, etc. Why? What are you worried about your kid doing exactly?

Not saying you are wrong for it, I just am wondering why you feel that you need to.

I just collect the info of passwords etc so they think Im spying on them.

I set up the rules and boundaries just like anything else when they are minors, that's my job.

I except them to be somewhat sneaky, that just part of growing up. I really don't care about the drama of what they do text or post, as long as there are no racy or nude pics.

Im not their friend.

Im their loving mother.

I will make sure they survive the stupidity of their teen years.

Why do you see this as controlling?

 

[LisaR]

For those that have passwords and check accounts, read texts, etc. Why? What are you worried about your kid doing exactly?

Not saying you are wrong for it, I just am wondering why you feel that you need to.

I'm past this stage with my kids now because they are older, but I did monitor them when they were younger. My son got himself into a couple very inappropriate situations that we would have never known about had we not been monitoring his activities.

When my kids started using scissors, cooking in the kitchen, cutting the lawn, etc I also monitored them until I was sure they knew how to do the activities in a safe way. I really don't see the difference. Until I felt my kids reached the proper maturity level to not get sucked into certain situations, they were monitored.

 

[luvsJack]

I just collect the info of passwords etc so they think Im spying on them.

I set up the rules and boundaries just like anything else when they are minors, that's my job.

I except them to be somewhat sneaky, that just part of growing up. I really don't care about the drama of what they do text or post, as long as there are no racy or nude pics.

Im not their friend.

Im their loving mother.

I will make sure they survive the stupidity of their teen years.

Why do you see this as controlling?

I don't necessarily see it as controlling. Did I say that?

We had a conversation such as this at my in-laws this past Sunday. Dh's SIL seemed sort of angry that I don't check dd's phone, fb, etc. She kept asking dd what she had to hide and dd told her very plainly that she didn't have anything to hide that she doesn't do anything that I can't see. She does like to feel that her conversations with her bf and bff are private and I respect that.

She checks her dd's stuff constantly. As in reads the girl's texts as soon as they go out. So, I asked her this same question. The example she used was that some 20 something guy sent her dd a message on one of the messaging apps, found out the girl's age and still wanted to message her. So I then asked her how her dd handled it--she blocked the guy immediately and showed the messages to her mom. I said, "good. that is exactly what dd would do and that is why i don't feel the need check her stuff." She huffed at me and stopped talking.

A lot of people mention the fact that everything online is not private. If they post something, its permanent. And I agree with that. The thing is, if a parent relies completely on checking up on their kid, when they see it, its already there. Not saying you do that, but I do know some parents that have this false sense of security that checking after the fact is all they need to do. If the lesson isn't drilled in first, checking later is sort of closing the barn door after the horse gets out.

I am not dd's friend either, I am her mother. I am here to guide her through to at least adulthood (when the stupid mistakes don't really stop, unfortunately). Not saying that either of us is wrong in how we do it, but I want her to have the lessons and learn to navigate all of this the right way so that when she is an adult, she doesn't then start putting stupid stuff on Twitter or FB or whatever we are using as social media at the time. I see a lot of crazy stuff on FB and I do point it out to dd and say "that's the kind of stuff you don't want out there"

We had a teacher whose contract was not renewed because of things she put on FB, another group of teachers reprimanded for pictures they posted (that were semi-connected to the college) and some of our interview committees do search on FB for the people they are interviewing. I tell dd about all these things and use them for examples in what not to do. I personally do not think that someday a person could lose a chance at a job for something they posted at 15, and so its important to me that she have the knowledge to not only not do it at 15 but to also not do it when she is 25 and Mom's not there to tell her to delete it.

 

[luvsJack]

I'm past this stage with my kids now because they are older, but I did monitor them when they were younger. My son got himself into a couple very inappropriate situations that we would have never known about had we not been monitoring his activities.

When my kids started using scissors, cooking in the kitchen, cutting the lawn, etc I also monitored them until I was sure they knew how to do the activities in a safe way. I really don't see the difference. Until I felt my kids reached the proper maturity level to not get sucked into certain situations, they were monitored.

That makes sense.

Dd had a situation not long after she got a FB page, she wasn't doing anything inappropriate exactly, it was more of a drama situation that got out of hand and she was threatened by an older girl and her boyfriend. She came to me immediately and I guided her through it--she reported them, blocked the boy, the girl and her sister (who the original drama was with) and then blocked a few other people's account that the girl could use to message dd.

I understand the use of strict monitoring to a point. I guess I just do it in a different way.

 

[LisaR]

That makes sense.

Dd had a situation not long after she got a FB page, she wasn't doing anything inappropriate exactly, it was more of a drama situation that got out of hand and she was threatened by an older girl and her boyfriend. She came to me immediately and I guided her through it--she reported them, blocked the boy, the girl and her sister (who the original drama was with) and then blocked a few other people's account that the girl could use to message dd.

I understand the use of strict monitoring to a point. I guess I just do it in a different way.

My DD would have handled it just like your DD. My DS.......not so much. You know those Dis threads that turn into train wrecks where some people just need to walk away but they don't? That was my son with gaming. He would just keep engaging and keep engaging and he would get in way over his head. Just when you think he learned his lesson, the same thing would happen again. Unfortunately, some kids just seem to need more supervision, guidance, and forced consequences instead of learning the natural consequences on their own. Thankfully, we've finally crossed that hurdle and it isn't a problem now. I'm sure there will be something else in the near future that makes us tear our hair out. Kids!

 

[luvsJack]

My DD would have handled it just like your DD. My DS.......not so much. You know those Dis threads that turn into train wrecks where some people just need to walk away but they don't? That was my son with gaming. He would just keep engaging and keep engaging and he would get in way over his head. Just when you think he learned his lesson, the same thing would happen again. Unfortunately, some kids just seem to need more supervision, guidance, and forced consequences instead of learning the natural consequences on their own. Thankfully, we've finally crossed that hurdle and it isn't a problem now. I'm sure there will be something else in the near future that makes us tear our hair out. Kids!

LOL Sounds like the youngest of my two sons. There was not FB or Twitter or whatever when he was a teen but I could imagine him being just like that. I probably lucked out on that kid being born of the generation he was, with all the online stuff today, I would be a crazy person trying to keep him straight!

The first time we even had the internet at home, my sons were older teens. They got in a chat room and were supposedly talking to some girls from a local high school. They were all excited about meeting them until dh and I pointed out that it could be two burly men wanting to meet them. They both looked at us with pale faces and mouths wide open but I think at that moment they actually did realize they had no idea who they were really talking to.