Do you have that one relative who always pushes your buttons?

[sjs314]

It never fails and today being Christmas Eve is no exception. I had my list of last minute things to do and then it happened. My eldest DS's wife texted me. She never calls only ever texts and always about something which upsets me. Normally I try to be nice to keep the peace but today I just shot back a text saying exactly what I felt.

I suppose I should have just like all the times in the past let it go to keep the peace but I just don't care anymore, this holiday is hard since my youngest DS passed away, this will be the second Christmas without him and I really do not feel like celebrateing, I was making an effort until I got that text, now I think I will just not bother with anything else.

What do you do when that certain someone pushes your buttons?

There vent over, thank you for listening

 

[bicker]

Sorry that you're struggling through the holidays.

What do you do when that certain someone pushes your buttons?

I ignore it.

It wasn't always that way, but as I've gotten older, I've realized that I am the only one responsible for how I feel, for how I allow myself to react to what others say and do.

There are very few situations where I would permit someone else to perturb my emotions, and surely I would apply a "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" restriction on those situations.

 

[Dee77]

First and most importantly, I am so sorry for the loss of your DS, how difficult this time of year must be for you.

I would not let your DIL have so much influence over how you choose to cope with or get through the holidays. If you feel up to doing more this year than last year, then go for it, don't let her be the deciding factor. As for only receiving texts from her that get under your skin, maybe you could speak with your son about that after you get through the holidays. If it's right there in plain English for him to read then maybe he can put a stop to it.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you and hoping you find some joy to get you through the holidays.

 

[JLTraveling]

I am so sorry you're going through this My mom passed away three weeks before Christmas in 2004 and most of the family seemed determined to make both Dad and me miserable that year. It's horrible when you're already grieving and trying to have Christmas anyway, and people make you feel even more rotten.

What we did was simply focus on the people who treated us well. My cousin's husband, in particular, went out of his way to make sure we were well taken care of. We leaned on him and tried our best to ignore the others. It didn't totally work, though, I did get into a screaming match with my aunt. So I don't blame you for taking the bait. Sometimes it's good to get your feelings off your chest.

What I would do now, though, is just ignore her to the extent possible. Focus on the people who love you and treat you well. There's only a certain amount of available space in your brain around the grief, so just try to let your DIL fade into the background.

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Try to have the best Christmas you can, and try to take comfort in knowing that each year it will get a little bit easier.

 

[Jeafl]

I am so sorry about the loss of your son.

I do have a sister that LOVED to push my buttons. Some days I handled it better than others, I will admit. However, I have found that if you let them push you around they will keep doing it. I no longer even allow her to finish her thought. I just say "Sorry you feel that way" and WALK AWAY (figuratively or literally). She eventually figured out she can't get to me anymore and she no longer even tries.

Try to put it behind you and do whatever it takes to have a pleasant holiday.

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time.

I have been trying really hard to let more things go when people push my buttons. I try (key word is try, since I'm not always successful) to remember that ignoring doesn't mean they win, it just means I refuse to engage them when they act like that.

Could your eldest DS's also be feeling the loss this Christmas and his wife is trying to make things "better" for him by trying to control everyone else?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sending hugs!!!

Yes, everyone here is right...
Don't let her get to you.
Let them know that you 'don't do text...' please call.
It is easy to say whatever you want and get away with it when one is hiding behind technology.

I wish you peace and happiness over the holidays!!!

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Awww, so sorry for the loss of your child.

There is always someone that can push the buttons. Thankfully, I don't drink, otherwise I would be wasted from Thanksgiving to MLK day.

 

[diz8297]

First of all, to you. You have suffered the loss nooone should suffer and I just wish you peace and strength. When you are feeling more like it, perhaps you could sit down with DS and DIL and explain where you are coming from. that you communicate better via conversation, not text and that relationships mean more to you that way. Perhaps you all could start a tradition honoring your son that has passed and will help you all to get closer together. God bless you.

 

[DVCJones]

So sorry you are finding it hard to get through the holidays. The last thing you need is someone pushing your buttons. I am another person who says, "ignore her." Perhaps now that she knows how you feel, he will think twice before texting you the way she did.

I had a similar experience this year with my sister in-law. She has a long history of treating my brother awful. I have bitten my tongue for years. (we all have) She also has a long history of trying to start trouble between the siblings. Her ultimate goal is to completely cut off my brother from his entire family. Anyway, this year she started her annual pre-holiday trouble and I called her out on it. I only did it because she was making me her victim this year and I told her exactly how I felt.

OMG, I am so glad I finally did it. I feel so relieved...all of us siblings do She will probably never speak to me again, but I am so okay with it. I guess I am okay with it because my brother (her husband) knows deep down she likes to start trouble. (even though he could never admit it, because it would mean living in his own personal Hell) He has shared things over the years that tells me he knows.

So, try not to sweat it. It might just work out okay in the end.
for you to help you get through the holidays.

 

[sjs314]

So sorry you are finding it hard to get through the holidays. The last thing you need is someone pushing your buttons. I am another person who says, "ignore her." Perhaps now that she knows how you feel, he will think twice before texting you the way she did.

I had a similar experience this year with my sister in-law. She has a long history of treating my brother awful. I have bitten my tongue for years. (we all have) She also has a long history of trying to start trouble between the siblings. Her ultimate goal is to completely cut off my brother from his entire family. Anyway, this year she started her annual pre-holiday trouble and I called her out on it. I only did it because she was making me her victim this year and I told her exactly how I felt.

OMG, I am so glad I finally did it. I feel so relieved...all of us siblings do She will probably never speak to me again, but I am so okay with it. I guess I am okay with it because my brother (her husband) knows deep down she likes to start trouble. (even though he could never admit it, because it would mean living in his own personal Hell) He has shared things over the years that tells me he knows.

So, try not to sweat it. It might just work out okay in the end.
for you to help you get through the holidays.

What you said in your post so hit home with me. With my DS's wife it seems her family always comes first problem is they live in another neighboring state. I would understand alternateing holidays but that is not how it has been.

So today on Christmas Eve Day she sends me this text to let me know they will be going to Ma tomorrow and is it alright if they stop by Sunday to see me. I am making an effort to have a get together this year with DH, Ddil(my DS's wife who passed away) mother in law and I assummed my eldest DS and wife just like always have, with the exception of last year which no one celebrated till after the holiday.
Thing is I knew what they were planning since they told DH and he did let it slip but I kept quiet did not say anything to keep the peace.

But to text today and then make a point of saying my DS really wants to see me was more than I could take, I feel if he really wanted to see me he would be here tomorrow or at the very least tonight Christmas Eve oh but they have to visit with friends tonight.
I just feel my Ddil knowing DH and I lost our only other DS would make a point to maybe spend it with us like in years past.

 

[Mermaid02]

It never fails and today being Christmas Eve is no exception. I had my list of last minute things to do and then it happened. My eldest DS's wife texted me. She never calls only ever texts and always about something which upsets me. Normally I try to be nice to keep the peace but today I just shot back a text saying exactly what I felt.

I suppose I should have just like all the times in the past let it go to keep the peace but I just don't care anymore, this holiday is hard since my youngest DS passed away, this will be the second Christmas without him and I really do not feel like celebrateing, I was making an effort until I got that text, now I think I will just not bother with anything else.

What do you do when that certain someone pushes your buttons?

There vent over, thank you for listening

For me it's a cousin so it's easier for me to ignore him. And I avoid him like the plague.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your son.

 

[Myothername]

My husband's sister is the one in our family. She is extremely bossy and it is her way or the highway. When my MIL (her mother) died a few months back I knew it was a stressful time so I kept quiet when we went up for the funeral. But when we got there things were so strange. Of course she had everything planned out which was fine but then she started saying we needed to bring food to the church to feed the mourners. I know there are different traditions in different places but this was at least the same state. I asked a few people quietly about this and they said they had never done it that way. Well here our cousin had spent all night cooking tons of food for the family to eat after the funeral and gone to so much trouble and SIL wanted to leave it all at the church. Well maybe we are strange in the south but generally people cook for the family so they don't have to bother while they are in mourning. I finally spoke up to my husband's aunt and the cousin who did all the cooking and said we are taking the food all over to Aunt J's house and we will go there after the funeral and get together. Everyone agreed with me, even SIL. I was so shocked. I just could not get over us, the family, cooking for others. How backward is that? And SIL was all for that. Of course she wasnt cooking. Anyway it all ended up good. And now since MIL is gone we will probably never have to see SIL again. She and DH are not that close.

 

[DVCJones]

Just checking in on the OP....How did you make out on Christmas Day? I hope you were able to enjoy the day.

 

[rie'smom]

My youngest brother and his wife drive me batty! He's a brat and she's a gold digger- such a nice match. The only reason I tolerate them is that I love his kids from a previous marriage and their baby daughter.

 

[BroganMc]

But to text today and then make a point of saying my DS really wants to see me was more than I could take, I feel if he really wanted to see me he would be here tomorrow or at the very least tonight Christmas Eve oh but they have to visit with friends tonight.
I just feel my Ddil knowing DH and I lost our only other DS would make a point to maybe spend it with us like in years past.

That's a tough one. In my family we feel the loss of my mom. She died 6 years ago but I live with my dad and together we always host Christmas here. I remember the times when Christmas gatherings actually started on Christmas Eve. Sure it was years ago when my siblings and I were younger, but I still miss it. Our families all get together on a regular basis, visiting each other's homes and going to events together. My siblings have 9 kids between them so we try to encourage the cousins to have a close relationship. My dad and I end up hosting a lot of sleepovers for the kids as this is neutral territory, but we encourage the parents to do the same at their places.

And yet as the kids get older and my sibs' households get busier and more settled I and my dad always feel this pull away. I think one of my SIL sometimes would be happier if she could just stay home in her neighborhood. (She has a close relationship with her neighbors as do her kids and my brother. In fact, sometimes it feels like they have replaced their family with their neighbors.) Another SIL has a big family of her own with lots of siblings and a mom so of course she has a busy life away from ours.

So sometimes I get my buttons pushed. Mostly it is that tension of what things they are involved in and what we'd like to gather. And in truth, my dad and I have picked up the travel bug so our schedule can get just as busy. So I can't fault any one person all the time.

This Christmas I went into it with a couple buttons pushed. One from a SIL who sent out a rather curt e-mail response to my group e-mail arranging things for this year. I was kinda mad and hurt about it. Then I learned the back story and realized she had reasons for her response. She's under a lot of tension at work and her kids are getting old enough to be pulling her in 20 directions. She also has a teenage daughter who has discovered she knows exactly how to push mom's buttons.

When I got that e-mail I vented about it. To my dad, to my friend, to my sis. It just struck me in exactly the wrong way. It wasn't until my other SIL asked me about it because she sensed the same curtness that I was able to let it go. I guess I just needed a bit of validation to my feelings. Observing later how my niece could cut her mom to the quick just explained things for me. I did not want to lash out at my SIL because I didn't want to start a feud between us. We did that before and almost completely ruined a Christmas with our fighting. And I think my just dropping it helped eased the tension between us. We had a very pleasant Christmas together.

My other reason for being out of joint was a gift faux pas I encountered with my sister and Santa. I didn't find out until Christmas morning so I was downright hurt and furious. But again that other SIL was my saving grace. She just reminded me how much her kids were looking forward to coming over and how loved we were. She was also sick as a dog with stomach flu so ended up spending the day in bed at home.

I guess what I'm saying is that it is always hard to balance the needs of the nuclear family vs. the wants of the extended family. I still think of my siblings as if we were teens/college students living together. I know we all have developed full adult lives and there are several other people involved now. But my heart still just wants to hang with my big bros and sis. My dad, of course, having lost his wife cherishes all the time he gets to spend with his children and grandchildren. When we were growing up it was my uncle who always hosted Thanksgiving and a picnic over the summer. There were times I thought they were chores to get to, but I later appreciated them as a bonding chance for that part of my extended family. Now that he moved and we don't get the invite, well I miss those gatherings even more. Some of those relatives I haven't talked to in years now.

So with my family I try to encourage as much togetherness as possible. (I also have the job of making sure Grandpa makes the rounds.) We do try to go to their houses and their kids' events as much as possible. And we take my brother and sister, along with their kids, to the football games. My sister vacations with us and we are on this "take the family on a weekend trip to Disney" kick every couple years. But we also all live about 20-45 minutes apart so it is just hard to drop in on each other. Sometimes it can be hard just to remember to call, text or email because you are so busy and tired.

I am so sorry for the loss of your DS. Please talk to your other DS about your feelings. When I was getting into so much difficulty with my SIL the best thing I did was to talk to my brother. It gave me a perspective on what things were happening in their lives right now and how we could better balance those needs vs wants.

 

[bluesaturn]

My husband's sister is the one in our family. She is extremely bossy and it is her way or the highway. When my MIL (her mother) died a few months back I knew it was a stressful time so I kept quiet when we went up for the funeral. But when we got there things were so strange. Of course she had everything planned out which was fine but then she started saying we needed to bring food to the church to feed the mourners. I know there are different traditions in different places but this was at least the same state. I asked a few people quietly about this and they said they had never done it that way. Well here our cousin had spent all night cooking tons of food for the family to eat after the funeral and gone to so much trouble and SIL wanted to leave it all at the church. Well maybe we are strange in the south but generally people cook for the family so they don't have to bother while they are in mourning. I finally spoke up to my husband's aunt and the cousin who did all the cooking and said we are taking the food all over to Aunt J's house and we will go there after the funeral and get together. Everyone agreed with me, even SIL. I was so shocked. I just could not get over us, the family, cooking for others. How backward is that? And SIL was all for that. Of course she wasnt cooking. Anyway it all ended up good. And now since MIL is gone we will probably never have to see SIL again. She and DH are not that close.

I don't think it is backward. I thought it was common for the family to host a small luncheon for the mourners after the funeral. A lot of times this is done at the church hall or at a family member's home.
Thankfully at our church there is a committee of ladies who put together these luncheons for any funerals at the church. But in other cases, I would think extended family would step in to organize the lunch because the immediate family was busy with other arrangements.
People do cook for the family, but it's generally for the family's own dinners in the days before and after the funeral.