Do you have a problem with your child being average?

[Cinders Mum]

We don't accept mediocrity in this house. We raise the bar and expect our kids to meet it.

If our children are struggling, we buckle down and go to after school tutoring if necessary.

Holy hell, home must be such a calm haven for your kids......

If your kids are working to their best ability then I say good on them. If they are not then they need to knuckle down, but to raise the bar on them, would indicate to me that you know their limits and push them beyond.....

That is waaaay too much pressure for any kid, as if there isn't enough out there already. very sad indeed.

 

[claudia]

Here's my story and it's not a pretty one so far.

My daughter is COMPLETELY average. As a parent and fellow human being, I am fine with that. However, as a parent applying for college, it is turning into a nightmare.

As-brief-as-I-can-history: DD has mild, inattentive ADD. During elementary school, she was a solid B student. During one semester of public middle school, she was a straight A student! Moved her to parochial school and she was a solid B student.

High school comes. She wants to go to public school again. I let her. She is not put in the lowest track of courses, but the next one up (don't know what they call that in 9th grade--it is not honors or AP). She does fine--about a 3.0 average. Many things happen at this school, she wants out, we select a parochial high school. They review her records and due to her past grades and previous standardized testing they feel she should be in their College Prep track (the have general, college prep, honors, and AP). I'm happy with this decision as we all want our kids in the most challenging courses they can be in. Many of her friends from middle school were put in the general track (as their grades were not as good as hers were). So, she starts in this and she has STRUGGLED almost from day one. We've been through tutors and one failure in Chemistry. The school would not hear of moving her back into "general". They said it would look bad and that she was "capable."

So here we are in senior year with a child who has worked hard but has a semester average of 2.8 and a cumulative average of 2.16 (guess which average is being reported to colleges???).

Already, she has been turned down by her "safe" school. We have been waiting to hear from the 6 other colleges we applied to but I'm sure she will not get in.

I am beyond pissed. Not at my daughter too much although she does play a part.

I'm mad at the school system for thinking that this pushing is the only way and I'm mad at the colleges who have no place for an average student anymore (at least not in Virginia).

What really gets me is that her friends in this same school, who are on the general track are getting 3.0 averages, they have NO AP courses as my DD does, and they are getting into the schools that have rejected her. The school has lied to me and said that the colleges will consider the rigor of her classes. In these cases they haven't. They went right past that and looked at the GPA at the bottom of the page.

My cousin's son had this same issue. He was in a Catholic school that had a much more rigorous curriculum than my DD's. He struggled and struggled and was a C student. He could not get into a college so went to community college. While he only got C's in his high school, apparently the curriculum really prepared him well for college and he has aced his way through community college, is now at a 4-year college, and pursuing an engineering degree.

The whole thing has really made me do a lot of thinking and it seems so unfair because I really *thought* they were to consider the rigor of the courses. In our case and my cousin's this wasn't the case.

My son is starting high school next year, he is very bright, but I think I will insist on general courses.

I just want to say that just because she was turned down by her "safe" school doesn't mean she won't get into another school that she has applied for. Remember that not only GPA is considered (also the college is getting your daughters transcript, so they see everything) , besides the rigor of her course load she has her essay, EC's, teacher recommendations, SAT l and SAT ll's. The school will look at everything and she may very well be a better fit for another school. Sometimes we just end up in the place we are supposed to be. Best of luck to your daugther.
Just a note: My son applied to a state school to which many of his classmates applied (all of them pretty much fall into the same GPA/SAT average) A couple were accepted on EA, but many were deferred......no clue as to why.....so you just never know.

 

[PlutoPony]

I think though, when a college looks at a 3.44 average, it is a 3.44, regardless of how the HS categorizes it.

The problem is with how a 3.44 is calculated.

We also use a 93-100 scale for an A. So Student A gets a 92% for the year and that translates to a B+ which is a 3.4 for purposes of calculating GPA. Student B from a school system with 90-100 as an A gets the same 92%..... BUT that's considered an A or 4.0 in calculating the GPA.

BIG DIFFERENCE!

 

[eliza61]

My oldest son is a special ed kid. It is so horrible to see the pressure to be perfect or an all "A's" student does to kids who do not fit in this mold.

Even here on the Dis, I can't tell you how many times I've seen post that say "well if the kid doesn't work hard enough to get a scholarship, they shouldn't go to college" or "I'm not paying for college if the kid can't work hard enough to get A's". How horrible. Some times I feel like replying; why not just stone the kid for not being "perfect"

My son will always struggle and have to work a lot harder than the normal kid, I wish there were more ways to encourage and support kids who do not fit into the "normal" mode.

 

[Laura]

I don't care if she is, as long as she's happy and works hard. It can, honestly, be harder for a child to have an extremely high level of intelligence. Especially socially. My DH has dyslexia, and I'm a little worried that our DD-to-be will have it too, because I would like our daughter to enjoy reading and not find it too onerous.

 

[PlutoPony]

We are in the process of deciding where DS will go to high school next year and have also gotten very mixed signals as to what colleges are looking for. I keep hearing they want to see kids taking the most challenging courses, but have also been told of the flip side.... kids who took general courses (no AP, etc.) but good grades got in easier than those who took challenging courses and more B's than A's. Makes it very very difficult to help your child choose the path that would work best for them.

Personally I'm really torn on this. For my son, the more rigorous program (which is an IB school) would without a doubt do a much better job of preparing him for college and right now I'm starting to think that should trump other considerations in the "big picture". BUT it's also likely he'd have as many B's as A's in this program and thus may not get into the better schools that he desires (although if colleges DO consider a weighted GPA it's a wash).

 

[monkeyboy]

We don't accept mediocrity in this house. We raise the bar and expect our kids to meet it.

If our children are struggling, we buckle down and go to after school tutoring if necessary.

That the way it should be.

Now what if they don't make a sports team?

 

[chisnpeke]

We don't accept mediocrity in this house. We raise the bar and expect our kids to meet it.

If our children are struggling, we buckle down and go to after school tutoring if necessary.

My friend was made to get good grades all throughout school.

She went wild in college.

 

[disneymyway]

My opinion, no one is average unless they start to think of themselves that way. There are so many other factors for success other than grades and I really urge you not to worry too much about them.

I've seen so many kids go through school and it's interesting to see how they turn out. Kids that did extremely well sometimes end up with rather average and unremarkable lives. Kids that struggled many times end up with exciting jobs and lives.

There are so many things to consider. Some really bright kids just don't test well. Many kids end up in good colleges because their parents have connections. Some kids get pressured by their parents so hard in school they just burn out and are miserable.

The best things you can do for your kids are to zero in on their talents and foster them. Everyone has something they are good at and love. Let those things be their guiding force. Instead of thinking about "settling for average" think of it as a journey toward finding what sets that child apart from others.

It should be a happy, positive experience and something everyone can feel good about. I guarantee if you accentuate the positive and just teach your kids to do their best, always their best, they'll live the rest of their lives doing just that, happily doing their best and realizing great opportunities.

No child is average. And even if kids have excellent grades in school that does not mean that they will go on to lead happy productive lives.

Good luck! Just be positive!

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

My children both have different learning styles and levels. My oldest catches onto everything easily while my youngest struggles. She has ADHD and has Title one for reading and math. The only thing i have ever asked of my children is to do their best. After every test, i ask them before even seeing the grade, if they have doen their best and they have.
An A for my oldest is like a B for my youngest. She struggles and i know it. I am proud of both of my children, although i know they will both bring home very different report cards. I expect them to do their best whether it is an A, B or C. If they got lower than that, i would have to re evaluate the sitaution and possibly get some tutoring if i had to.
My parents usually give each grandchild a certain dolla amount for A's, B's and C's. I have told them that unless they give the same to each of my children, don't give anything at all. It's definatley not fair.
I will never put pressure on my kids. Do i expect them to go to harvard, no. I do expect them to do the best they can. I will NEVER push them.
I have learned from experience. My sister NEVER missed a day of high school. She was at the top of her class in high school and college. She has her masters degree. I saw how much money my parents put into her education and how much time she devoted to it. She was always better than me at everything. I went to the local state college and enjoyed myself in high school and college. My sister is not doing any better than me at this point in life. She is a married stay at home mom struggling and I am out in the work force making it as a single mom. She never worked a day in the field of her degree and i am using mine. So the way i look at it, who knows what will happen when my children get older. All I ask is that they try their best no matter if it's an A, B or C. When you are my age, it doesn't matter what my grades were compared to my sister.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Without reading all of the replies, I will answer as simply as I can. I want my boys to be happy. I work with them both every day on their homework and more so they are equipped to deal with the world, but I couldn't care less if they wind up digging ditches for a living as long as they choose to dig ditches for a living.

Average? If they are doing their best and they are happy, they will be a lot better off than most - even if they are not the best at anything but being themselves...

 

[Amy&Dan]

My son just brought home his second report card of his high school career and his grades were 83(Honors English), 83(French), 96(PE/Health), and 96(Academic Strategies). The last two were basically a given. As long as you follow directions, you will do well in PE and Academic Strategies is a study hall for students with IEPs. His GPA is 3.44 right now.

Anyway, I am trying to be fine with high C's, because I know my DS is doing his best. His report card had comments like "hard worker!" and "excellent student" typed in, which makes me feel good. On the other hand, some people in my life punish their children if they get C's, or even low B's. DS is just a different kind of kid; he is very smart, but it seems to be in a way that doesn't show on academic work. I encourage him, and he does study and do his homework every night.

So, if you have an average child, are you okay with that, or do you push them to do better?

Marsha

I have a son very much like yours. He works hard, is very smart and can do very well in certain subjects. Other subjects, he will generally end up with a C or low B. He even got a D on his last report card. Test anxiety is a big problem with him. All of this used to bother me because like all new parents, I just knew my son was going to excel at everything! Now I am fine with it. He's a delightful kid, his teachers always like him and comment on how nice and well behaved he is. Never one time have I had a teacher or other student say my son was a bully, mean spirited or a discipline problem. Not every kid can be a straight A student. And some of them that are, well they have thier issues too! So yes, I am fine with it now and have learned to just be thankful for how well he does, not how much better I wish he did. My son has average grades, but he is an above average person overall. I would prefer he be an exceptional person and an average student every time. I look at my sister who was by far the most dedicated and successful of the three of us when we grew up. Straight A's all the way through. I won't bore you with the details of how her life has turned out. But suffice to say, average me has ended up much happier with more personal success. It happens. Good grades don't necessarily equate a perfect life in adulthood. There is so much more that figures into your overall life.

I have to say, tutoring was money well spent. We spent thousands of dollars at Sylvan and private tutoring. Didn't make one bit of difference. But it was money well spent because I know we have done all we could as ds has. Raising the bar is fine. But there is more than one bar in life to be raised. I have no doubt my son will do well in life and attend college. I accept him for who he is. To expect him to be who he isn't would be a crime in my opinion.

I'll also add that I have a daughter with a diagnosed learning disability. So I have run the gambit on all of this. Its taken me years to just be okay with who my kids are. I frankly love them just the way they are and wouldn't trade one thing about either of them. And they both again and again show to the world around them a great ability to be kind and accepting of others and to work hard at what they do.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

As far as grades go, my kids get average. As far as character, I'd have to put my kids in the above average group. They are really good people.

Good for you...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

My opinion, no one is average unless they start to think of themselves that way. There are so many other factors for success other than grades and I really urge you not to worry too much about them.

I've seen so many kids go through school and it's interesting to see how they turn out. Kids that did extremely well sometimes end up with rather average and unremarkable lives. Kids that struggled many times end up with exciting jobs and lives.

There are so many things to consider. Some really bright kids just don't test well. Many kids end up in good colleges because their parents have connections. Some kids get pressured by their parents so hard in school they just burn out and are miserable.

The best things you can do for your kids are to zero in on their talents and foster them. Everyone has something they are good at and love. Let those things be their guiding force. Instead of thinking about "settling for average" think of it as a journey toward finding what sets that child apart from others.

It should be a happy, positive experience and something everyone can feel good about. I guarantee if you accentuate the positive and just teach your kids to do their best, always their best, they'll live the rest of their lives doing just that, happily doing their best and realizing great opportunities.

No child is average. And even if kids have excellent grades in school that does not mean that they will go on to lead happy productive lives.

Good luck! Just be positive!

Great post!!!

 

[Nancy]

I have no problems with my kids grades ever as long as I know they are giving 100% in what they do. Now if they were slacking and bringing home grades that reflected that then yes, I would be upset and have them buckle down.

While grades are important it is also important that I have kids that feel good about themselves for what they accomplished, that they are not afraid mom and dad will flip out over a lower grade and that they will not implode from all the added stress placed on them.

 

[freckles and boo]

My opinion, no one is average unless they start to think of themselves that way. There are so many other factors for success other than grades and I really urge you not to worry too much about them.

I've seen so many kids go through school and it's interesting to see how they turn out. Kids that did extremely well sometimes end up with rather average and unremarkable lives. Kids that struggled many times end up with exciting jobs and lives.

There are so many things to consider. Some really bright kids just don't test well. Many kids end up in good colleges because their parents have connections. Some kids get pressured by their parents so hard in school they just burn out and are miserable.

The best things you can do for your kids are to zero in on their talents and foster them. Everyone has something they are good at and love. Let those things be their guiding force. Instead of thinking about "settling for average" think of it as a journey toward finding what sets that child apart from others.

It should be a happy, positive experience and something everyone can feel good about. I guarantee if you accentuate the positive and just teach your kids to do their best, always their best, they'll live the rest of their lives doing just that, happily doing their best and realizing great opportunities.

No child is average. And even if kids have excellent grades in school that does not mean that they will go on to lead happy productive lives.

Good luck! Just be positive!

Nicely put. My kids are doing very well in school but they are also only in first and third grades. They have some challenges (both have ADHD and one is also autistic), but they are happy and learning. I don't want to snuff out their love of school by putting more value on grades than on learning.

I also want to comment on how too much pressure can really send kids the other way. One of my sister-in-laws was pushed very, very hard. She was not allowed to drop music lessons for an instrument she hated. She was required to go to summer school every single year for enrichment courses. She had almost no freedom as a teenager. Despite being very, very smart she married my brother when she was nineteen and they had a honeymoon baby ten months later. She has since finished her masters in Occupation Therapy, but she did it on her own terms. Her younger brothers, who were also pushed just as hard, are living at home and haven't really started their lives yet. All that pressure backfired.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I'd love for my sons to be "average". If they were to come home with all c's on their report cards, I'd be jumping for joy. I have 2 autistic children who struggle every day just to accomplish the simplest thing. So for those of you with "average" children, know that it could be worse.

Honestly, if a child is trying the best that they can, then average is just fine. I love what disneymyway said about zeroing on talents. This is the key for all children, especially in special needs children.

 

[EpcotBeauty]

That the way it should be.

Now what if they don't make a sports team?

We really aren't concerned with athletics. I want my children to excel in academics and soar high beyond. My brothers and I were brought up this way, and went to a very sought after private school that fostered these same beliefs. We are all professionals that have done well in life, I only desire the same for my children. They are meeting the goals and are happy and healthy, I can't ask for anything more.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

We really aren't concerned with athletics. I want my children to excel in academics and soar high beyond. My brothers and I were brought up this way, and went to a very sought after private school that fostered these same beliefs. We are all professionals that have done well in life, I only desire the same for my children. They are meeting the goals and are happy and healthy, I can't ask for anything more.

Just a few questions though. What if they are trying their hardest and going to all the tutoring and buckling down and they just don't excel to your standards? Would that be okay with you that they are trying their best but maybe aren't cut out for academia as strongly as you would like to be? Not everyone can be an A student. No matter how hard they try.

 

[disneymyway]

I just wanted to say something more about no child being average. A kid can have average grades, but that doesn't make them an average kid.

Of the kids I have seen grow up with average grades many really have blossomed . To mention a few, one is studying to become an opera singer, one is a dress designer that is beginning to be noticed in NY, one does graphic design for a famous magazine, a couple are in law school and a few more are practicing law, 2 are teaching English abroad and another started his own adventure vacation company that is doing really well! And those are just off the top of my head. These were kids who where not in the gifted program, not what you would consider the smartest kids, but always worked hard and had parents who help guide their unique gifts.

On the other side of that, I saw parents of gifted kids pushing their kids into things they had no interest or real aptitude for (like law or medicine) because they seemed to think that's what you were supposed to do if you're a brainiac.

Average grades mean nothing in the grand scheme of things unless you start thinking of yourself as an average person and settling for less than you are capable of. Grades are supposed to be a tool to help teachers teach, not really to define a person for life. I don't mean to say that grades don't matter, but that they are not the whole story and that many parents and teacher put entirely too much pressure on kids to get good grades at all costs.