Do you have a crush on someone NOT your spouse?

[DaParkers]

Think about the days that you had a crush on your husband. Even if he's changed, think about the days when he was on your mind constantly. And PRAY about it. It's ok to talk to other people, but it's more important to talk to God.

 

[AmazingGrace]

I could almost see a person could crush on someone and never act on it. it's like seeing the Mona Lisa up close. it's an exquisite piece of art, but i wouldn't hang it in my living room. I kinda have a crush on kyle Chandler from FNL, but i definitely don't want him hanging on the wall behind my sofa. My dh is more my style!!!

 

[SandrA9810]

I don't currently have a "crush" on any one, but Kari does... to her boss. She tells me, if i wasn't with you and she wasn't straight... I'd totally date her in a heart beat. And it's also joked about at work.

She's very open about who she thinks is cute/hot/sexy/.... to try to make me jealous or something, but unfortantly she's way too trustworthy and would never pursue anything like that. So it sorta fails at that, but I play along to make her happy.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

In my book, he is a requirement crush.

Crush? CRUSH?!! How dare you belittle my deep and abiding love for all things Johnny!! ...........

Oh, and to stay on topic, step away. Look at what attracts you to this person and start looking for those qualities in your DH.

 

[ckay87]

Sure, there is one person who I always think "if we weren't both married, watch out!" But we are, so there there's no emotion behind that thought. It's just a thought. And no pitter pattering for me. My heart hasn't pitter-patted since that semi cut me off on the highway a few weeks ago

 

[KristinBelle]

Turn the tables, how would you feel if your DH wrote your post?

I think you're in dangerous ground and ought to be very careful.

 

[Jenvenza]

Turn the tables, how would you feel if your DH wrote your post?

I think you're in dangerous ground and ought to be very careful.

I agree with this 100%.

 

[Colleen27]

I could almost see a person could crush on someone and never act on it. it's like seeing the Mona Lisa up close. it's an exquisite piece of art, but i wouldn't hang it in my living room. I kinda have a crush on kyle Chandler from FNL, but i definitely don't want him hanging on the wall behind my sofa. My dh is more my style!!!

That's a great description! There is a particular man in my life who has been the subject of the occasional fantasy. It is a little weird to try to describe, because he's a long time friend and was my HS sweetheart, but now works for DH and is a friend to both of us. We flirt a little but we'd never act on it, and DH is aware of the situation and knows it is just nostalgia. But you really nailed it - M. is like a beautiful work of art (and he really is - he looks a lot like Johnny Depp in Pirates ); nice to admire from an acceptable distance, but not something you'd try to work into your home and not at all worth the price you'd pay for it! DH is the only man I'm interested in sharing my life with, and that's what really matters.

 

[ead79]

I think you dig deep within yourself and you stop feeding this infatuation.

I think you call upon the ultimate power of your faith and you ask for help. God knows your feelings so talking to God about it would not be like your secret is out. There is a promise in there that says that you'll never be given more than you can handle without a way out. People often forget that part but any temptation you face always has a way out.

You need to self talk positively about your marriage and your DH. You need to stop the flirting. You owe it to yourself, this man, his wife and your man.

Take any energy you put into this infatuation, fantasy or whatever you want to call it and put in into your marriage instead. The pay off is great. Do not waste your time, energy, marriage, or family on a situation that will only cause people heartache.

I totally agree with Buckalew. I think you're in dangerous territory here. I think this goes beyond a crush when you can't stop thinking about it. Buckalew's advice is great in my opinion.

 

[TheGoofster]

Most affairs that take place in a marriage don't happen because one day one of the partners woke up and decided to have an affair. It's something that happens little by little. It's so easy to say, that nothing will ever happen, that it's only a harmless little infatuation, but unfortunately this is the same thing spoken by countless others who eventually did let something happen.

I apologize if this seems harsh, but part of my job is working with marriages, and all too often I've seen damage done because somebody who started with a simple, harmless crush on a co-worker, or friend found them self in a situation that they weren't expecting. "I never thought it would happen to me" or "I never meant for this to happen", are words that are far too common.

Why even put yourself into a situation that has the potential of damaging or ruining your marriage? What benefit is there in allowing feelings like this in your heart for somebody else? Is that temporary thrill or excitement really worth risking your marriage over - and believe me, the risk is there.

Having a crush on some celebrity is one thing, having a crush on someone you know (especially someone who seems to feel the same way about you) is completely different - it's playing with fire.

My advice would be to do whatever it takes to get this person out of your life until those feelings are gone. Whatever changes are necessary do it, no matter how big or how small. And like others have said, do your best to try and let your feelings for your husband replace those feelings for this other person. Remember what it is about your hubby that made you fall in love with him. Find ways to let your husband's love cause this same "pitter-patter" in your heart.

Again, I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I've seen it happen to too many marriages not to be worried by it.

 

[sbell111]

Turn the tables, how would you feel if your DH wrote your post?

I think you're in dangerous ground and ought to be very careful.

I totally agree.

My wife pretty clearly believes that flirting is cheating. While I'm not exactly sure that I agree in all circumstances, I would in this case. When the OP flirts with her 'crush', in her heart, she is cheating on her spouse.

Since she mentioned her faith, I would be remiss if I did not mention that the tenth commandment has not been repealed.

 

[luvsJack]

Does Johnny Depp Count?

HEY!! That's my crush!!

Actually there is someone that you could say I have had a crush on. The dumb thing is that I could have dated this person back years ago but he really didn't get my attention back then. BOY! Has he changed!! Its harmless and more of a physcial attraction than anything else. His smile alone can make any woman melt. But I do know him well and know that even if I was single and we dated there are things about him that would irritate me to no end. So, alas, its just an attraction from afar regardless of either of our situations.

Besides dh still makes my heart go pitter patter, pitter patter.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

Most affairs that take place in a marriage don't happen because one day one of the partners woke up and decided to have an affair. It's something that happens little by little. It's so easy to say, that nothing will ever happen, that it's only a harmless little infatuation, but unfortunately this is the same thing spoken by countless others who eventually did let something happen.

I apologize if this seems harsh, but part of my job is working with marriages, and all too often I've seen damage done because somebody who started with a simple, harmless crush on a co-worker, or friend found them self in a situation that they weren't expecting. "I never thought it would happen to me" or "I never meant for this to happen", are words that are far too common.

Why even put yourself into a situation that has the potential of damaging or ruining your marriage? What benefit is there in allowing feelings like this in your heart for somebody else? Is that temporary thrill or excitement really worth risking your marriage over - and believe me, the risk is there.

Having a crush on some celebrity is one thing, having a crush on someone you know (especially someone who seems to feel the same way about you) is completely different - it's playing with fire.

My advice would be to do whatever it takes to get this person out of your life until those feelings are gone. Whatever changes are necessary do it, no matter how big or how small. And like others have said, do your best to try and let your feelings for your husband replace those feelings for this other person. Remember what it is about your hubby that made you fall in love with him. Find ways to let your husband's love cause this same "pitter-patter" in your heart.

Again, I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I've seen it happen to too many marriages not to be worried by it.

Well said.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, if you are really afraid this is something that may cause a problem in your marriage; take a step back and think about why.

I mean, is this person really all that special to you? Or is there some underlying problem in your marriage? Did your husband ever make your heart go pitter patter or is your relationship with him different than that?

An affair is not just about attraction to another person, its also about problems in a marriage. If you are worried about the temptation of having an affair, maybe you need to figure out what is going on with your marriage.

I just went through the fear of my dh having an affair. I now do not believe that he was or was even considering it. But there was some flirtation going on and he said he thinks he just felt ignored and unimportant in our relationship. So after we have talked and figured out the problem, I now make sure, when he is home on the weekends, I make time just for us and that I make him the center of my attention at least part of the time.

I know that the "crush" I mentioned is purely a physical attraction and I know that it will never go any further nor do I want it too.

 

[Stitchfans]

I have always had the theory of look but don't touch. On quite a few occasions I noticed men who I thought was very attractive, but that was it. So far my only crush is DH. I consider myself very lucky to have found him. Besides I keep telling myself it wouldn't make that much difference any way if I found someone else attractive since I have let myself go so bad. Lucky for me DH loves me AS IS.

 

[Hers]

I truly appreciate the "tough love" shown here.

To answer some of your questions,

Yes, I have problems in my marriage. I am very unhappy with DH. I feel like he has let me down on more than one occasion. I won't go into more details because it would be a looooong post.

Yes, I have avoided my "crush". I have extricated myself from church events. I resigned from activities which would put me in contact with him. I have not sought him out at all. We were merely at a mutual friend's wedding and I tried to be polite but not spend any more time with him than necessary.

Yes, I have always felt this way about my crush. If I weren't married when I first met him, I would have pursued him. The feeling ebbs and flows, but never really goes away.

I am trying to separate my unhappiness with my marriage and my feelings for my crush. No matter how unhappy I might be with my DH, I would not destroy 2 families over this.

I am just trying to get my crush out of my head.

I don't mind the flames, I think I need it.

Thanks for listening and offering your advice.

 

[luvsJack]

Hers, sometimes an attraction to someone else is just a fantasy situation that takes us away from the problem we are facing. (kinda like fantasing about running away). It sounds as though you are unhappy with your husband so you are thinking of this man as the perfect replacement. If you really look at him realistically you may see that he is not as wonderful as your dreams are making him seem to be.

The biggest problem to me is that you are unhappy in your marriage. Life is way too short to be unhappy. Can it be fixed? Do you want it to?

Your "crush" is probably just a symptom of the issues in your marriage. When those issues get resolved the crush will probably go away.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Hers, you poor thing.

This is what I would do if I wore your shoes. Work on your husband first and foremost. Try and make things work. If they don't, they don't. But under any circumstances, take care of this relationship first. Either with it ending or it ending in total bliss.

Once that is taken care of, then, and only then can you address this crush issue. Either you end up happily married and the crush goes away, or you end the marriage and then you can up perhaps choose to persue the crush. (Unless he's married then all bets are off).

Deal with them one at a time. Don't try to mix water and oil.

 

[RitaZ.]

Wait, you're not using your real screen name, but you want the rest of us to fess up???

 

[dismom2005]

I know someone who has had a crush on my DH for the past 7-8 years. It's sort of a complicated story but she was widowed and her husband was my husband's best friend. DH only has a casual friendship with her via e-mail and occasionally a phone call here and there. I know he doesn't have romantic feelings towards her but I know she'd pursue him if he offered more than friendship. It's been an issue that DH and I have spoken with a counselor about but it's complicated.