Do you get snubbed at church (of all places)?

[whogirl'smom]

OK, I just have to vent somewhere, so I'll just do it here. Does anyone else get sick of the queen bees at their church (and probably school, too) snubbing people? I'm just naive, I guess, thinking that you should be nice and SPEAK to everyone, especially those looking directly at you saying "hi"! There's a whole pack of people, men included, that make it feel like a country club function instead of church every time the doors are open. Don't get me wrong, I know there are nice people at church, not like this, but the ones that are, are so obviously snobby it's sickening. My husband even feels this, and how many men pay attention to social status? So, it must be bad. We have had several good friends leave this church, and one of the main reasons cited, is that they don't feel welcomed. We have been there 5 years, and should not feel like an outsider half the time.

So, why do I care? Most of the time I don't, but during Christmas you'd think people would make a little extra effort to be polite, instead of acting like they are walking by the unwashed. I wish everyone could just get along without the money thing getting in the way, and the social thing.

How does everyone else deal with this? I don't want a psychological examination of why I care, I just want to know what to do about it! (And if you're wondering, I feel worse for my good friends still at this church, and for my husband, than worrying about myself. I don't want to be bosom buddies with a lot of these people, I just want a hello and some small talk now and then!)

 

[sha_lyn]

When I was a teenager we actually left our family church over the "cliques".

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I belong to a very cliquish church too. It's one of the largest in the area, but is in the middle of a suburb north of Houston.

The church is gorgeous, the music is awesome and the reverend is sensational, but the people tend to hang with those from their own community.

The town I live in, is like the ugly step-sister of the master-planned community that the church is in.

Anywho...

What we did was join a study group. I basically foisted myself on them. I stopped going awhile back, and instantly felt like an outsider again. I still go to church, but I'm invisible.

 

[ilovepcot]

LEAVE!!! There *is* a church for you and your family where you will be welcomed and be included in everything. Every church isn't right for every person or family.

 

[Fitswimmer]

The church I went to with my parents got like this. It didn't start out that way, but all of a sudden this small group of "high dollar givers" got all the good seats at every table. Anything they want, they got. They decided that they didn't like the music minister, so they got her fired. They didn't like the color that the church was painted, so they had it redone. They didn't like the sermons on uncomfortable topics, so they stopped them. And WOE to anyone that dared to disagree. After my parents moved to FL I left and found my own place to go.

 

[inaminute]

I can ignore a snobby attitude, but had a hard time with those who kept introducing themselves week after week. I remembered meeting them and thought after two weeks of introductions that they should be able to remember meeting me. It wasn't just one person, either. I could overlook one person, thinking they may have a medical condition. But five or six of the same people every week got a little annoying.

I felt invisible. It didn't matter whether I was there or not, so after six weeks I just stopped going.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

You just described my work situation. Very few people here speak to me. Most of the ones that do are the guys. The women - it's amazing, the looks I get when I so much as walk by their desks! And the whispering...

Oh, and let's not forget, when I walk into the bathroom, there's a whole group of them in there having a powwow - well, that conversation stops, they glare at me, then they leave en masse. When I first started working here, I tried - I'd come up and try to add to the conversation, but 9 times out of 10, they'd make a face and walk away. I don't know how I've stood it for six years, but I'm looking for a new job.

 

[uhtimex]

OK, I just have to vent somewhere, so I'll just do it here. Does anyone else get sick of the queen bees at their church (and probably school, too) snubbing people? I'm just naive, I guess, thinking that you should be nice and SPEAK to everyone, especially those looking directly at you saying "hi"! There's a whole pack of people, men included, that make it feel like a country club function instead of church every time the doors are open. Don't get me wrong, I know there are nice people at church, not like this, but the ones that are, are so obviously snobby it's sickening. My husband even feels this, and how many men pay attention to social status? So, it must be bad. We have had several good friends leave this church, and one of the main reasons cited, is that they don't feel welcomed. We have been there 5 years, and should not feel like an outsider half the time.

So, why do I care? Most of the time I don't, but during Christmas you'd think people would make a little extra effort to be polite, instead of acting like they are walking by the unwashed. I wish everyone could just get along without the money thing getting in the way, and the social thing.

How does everyone else deal with this? I don't want a psychological examination of why I care, I just want to know what to do about it! (And if you're wondering, I feel worse for my good friends still at this church, and for my husband, than worrying about myself. I don't want to be bosom buddies with a lot of these people, I just want a hello and some small talk now and then!)

Wow, sorry you see that at your church. I would like to say that it is isolated but I think I would be wrong. The church we go to is very friendly and that is what convinced us to join. It may be time to look for another church. Just pray about it, and see were God leads you. Maybe this Gods way of having you join the Welcome team or serve in a Hospitality role at your church.

 

[CathrynRose]

I feel ya. Mine is at my boy(s) school, though.

I have a 15 y/o and an 11 y/o. We've been in this school district, same schools and everything since day one. Where some of these women get off, I have no freaking idea.

I finally when oldest was in 6th grade (he's a sophmore now) said "Forget it - Im done". I dont try to be nice, or help out or include myself in anything anymore, and it's made life easier and less 'Why dont they like me?'-esque.

However - I still wonder "Why dont they like me?" I dont get it.

I always thought for son #1, that I was just much younger then the rest of them (had Joey at 17), maybe thats why they "excluded" me - but now, Im not THAT much younger than most Moms in my youngest's class... I just dont get it.

The fathers always seem to like me just fine on Open House days - maybe thats the problem?

 

[DVC-Don]

We are starting to think of leaving our church, but it's due to clients of ours who think it's fine to corner us at the church over business matters. I ask them to call me Monday and they get huffy.

 

[Talking Hands]

Sorry about your church. My current one is very friendly and loving but the one I left had become like yours. If you are uncomfortable ask God to lead you to one where you are comfortable and feel wanted. God lead me to my current church for a reason. He involved me in the deaf ministry and I love serving there.

 

[oxfordcircus]

I don't mean to defend your church with my post. I have felt the same way at my church. Maybe it's a southern tradition? My town is a somewhat closed society. Many of the folks who live in my town and attend my church grew up in this town and when to school together from K through med school. So they have all the history together. I tell myself that these people just feel comfortable with themselves. Many people don't like to make all the effort to make new friends...I know I find it difficult. Anyway, my wife and I toyed with leaving our church, despite wonderful teaching/music/missions, but we decided instead to get involved in small groups and stay put for a while. Once we stopped bouncing around sunday schools, we felt like we started to get to know more people and we no longer feel like outsiders. We feel like insiders. And now we feel the need to reach out to new members, which is a very unnatural thing for me to do.

It will work out for you.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

We are starting to think of leaving our church, but it's due to clients of ours who think it's fine to corner us at the church over business matters. I ask them to call me Monday and they get huffy.

Refresh my memory... aren't you a realtor too?

If so, been there, had that happen to me.

 

[whogirl'smom]

Wow, sorry you see that at your church. I would like to say that it is isolated but I think I would be wrong. The church we go to is very friendly and that is what convinced us to join. It may be time to look for another church. Just pray about it, and see were God leads you. Maybe this Gods way of having you join the Welcome team or serve in a Hospitality role at your church.

What's funny is that everyone is SO welcoming at first, then by the time you decide to join, you finally figure out that you've now become invisible, like someone else said. I grew up in a tiny church and just wanted a larger one so DD would have a youth group when she got older. I thought the bigger the place, the more likely you would find friends like yourself. HA!

I am on the Bereavement Committee, and the VP of our Sunday School class now. I have assisted with a MOMS group in hopes of making friends, and boy was that a big washout! I keep thinking if all the nice people will band together and stay in church, eventually there will be more nice people and we could change the feel of the church. We went to different churches for years, searching for the right one when we lived in NC, and it just felt so right when we found the church where we are now. Now it feels like such an effort at times to feel valued there.

 

[Poohbear123]

This is one of the MAIN reasons WHY I don't Attend Church! Cannot stand the Uppity people who think they are better than you, its a Church to worship God for Heavens sake, worship and move on!

 

[CEDmom]

I'd leave there are plenty of church that will welcome you with open arms.

 

[GoofyBaseballMom26]

I'm in East TN also. If you are near me, you are welcome to come to our church.. I promise we will talk to you!

 

[sha_lyn]

The church I went to with my parents got like this. It didn't start out that way, but all of a sudden this small group of "high dollar givers" got all the good seats at every table. Anything they want, they got. They decided that they didn't like the music minister, so they got her fired. They didn't like the color that the church was painted, so they had it redone. They didn't like the sermons on uncomfortable topics, so they stopped them. And WOE to anyone that dared to disagree. After my parents moved to FL I left and found my own place to go.

Sounds like what happened at our church
Committ adultry and have $$- pay for new carpet and you retain your position as a deacon

don't have $$ and file for divorce against your husband who walked out 10 yrs ago and has several kids with the new GF- you are asked to leave the church because your sins make you a bad role model

 

[CapeCodTenor]

I got it from the minister and not the members at my old church. Oh sure, there were a few, but it was the minister that cared about someone's position in the community and therefore in the church. I got tired of it and left. When someone asked why I left, I flat out told them why. Until the minister left I wasn't going to go back.

 

[Pembo]

Minister's wife here and I HATE the cliques at church. We live in a town that is cliquish to the people who grew up in this town. I find the cliques all over. PTO is awful, the public pool...You try to talk to people, they find out you're not from here (I'm from the neighboring town) and that's the end of that conversation.

Rev Dh feels it too. Cliques are hard to break.....I'm starting my own...Wanna join????