Do you fix personal issues for your kids?

[XYSRUS]

I have a no rescue policy in my house-barring anything life threatening of course-kids figured out real quick what works!

 

[shortbun]

I landed somewhere in the middle until about 5th grade when my son said, basically ' I can handle it from here Mom, you just tell me how great I am and it's all good' lol! He does handle things on his own mostly. The other day though, he asked me, 'Mom, why are girls always mean to each other?' 'Can't solve that problem for ya darlin but maybe you might want to hang with a different group of women.' He nodded.

 

[Tinkermommy]

My DD has the typical arguments with her friends. This usual happens at my house (they all like to play here). My response is "Do you want to work it out or do you want me to settle it?" she knows that my way of settling it is to separate the kids (into different rooms or have the one go home). She's never gone for that option and they work it out themselves. Now she never asks!!

If it's an issue at school, we talk about ideas on how to solve it and then it's up to her to do what she can.

As a parent, my job is not to solve my kids problems, but to teach and guide them so they can do it themselves.

That said, if my child was being bullied or harassed, then I would certainly step in since it's more than just a squabble.

 

[Magpie]

I think it depends on the circumstance.

I do stay on top of my children's behavior. It may be normal for a 5yo boy to call a girl "stinky" and exclude her from play, but when I heard about my son doing it to his sister, I got right in there and let him know that it was unacceptable. She's his sister, and she'll be his sister for life. I don't care if his friends don't like her, his loyalty should be to her FIRST.

Leaving it up to my daughter wasn't an option, as she didn't care enough to pursue the issue. She would just go and reads a book and ignore everyone. But just because she was willing to let him exclude her, didn't make it right.

I figure it's my job to raise my kids to be kind, considerate and polite to the people around them. And I do keep an eye on their interactions with their siblings and friends. If I think they're behaving badly, I call them on it.

When my son and his sister were spending too much time one summer fighting with each other, I assigned them the dishes on a permanent basis. I told them, "You're going to do everything together until you learn how to get along with each other." It was amazing how fast they pulled together against their common enemy - me!

However, when my children have a problem with another child's behavior, then I do try to help them resolve it themselves - or at least have them participate. When my daughter was 5, a neighbour's 7yo boy pulled down her pants. She came in and told me, so I told her to march right over to his house and tell his mother what he'd done. She did, and came back bouncing with glee. Apparently his mother had been outside talking to his grandmother when my daughter walked up and said - very loudly - "So-and-so pulled down my pants!" They said, "WHAT??" very loudly, grabbed him and pulled him inside. My daughter felt vindicated and that boy never tried anything with her again.

Two years ago in Grade 6, my daughter was being bullied. It was constant harassment - pushing, pinching, tripping, sneers when she walked by, etc... and it went on for months. She tried to stop it herself without success. We worked with her on being more assertive - for example, saying loudly, "HEY! DON'T TOUCH ME!" whenever he got too close - and we also sent a very strongly worded letter to the teacher and principal making it clear that we would be following up with legal action if this didn't stop. It stopped.

Now that same boy is mooning after her and wants to take her to the grade 8 dance. She's told him to get lost.

So I think there's got to be a balance. I definitely want to be the little voice in my children's heads that says, "Stop, wait, my mom wouldn't like this." But at the same time, I also want to give them the tools they need to be strong, independent adults, who can take care of themselves.

So far, it seems to be working out. At 12 and 14, my children have travelled to foreign countries with family and friends, gotten lost and didn't panic, know how to use cutlery in a nice restaurant, can take the city bus or subway anywhere they want to go, know how to order food and pay for it, and can manage their own bank accounts. I think they'll be fine, even if I sometimes parent a bit intensely.

 

[DVCBELLE]

I think it depends on the circumstance.

I do stay on top of my children's behavior. It may be normal for a 5yo boy to call a girl "stinky" and exclude her from play, but when I heard about my son doing it to his sister, I got right in there and let him know that it was unacceptable. She's his sister, and she'll be his sister for life. I don't care if his friends don't like her, his loyalty should be to her FIRST.

Oh believe me - we talked to my son that he should not call her a stinky girl and should be respectful to her BUT it was not my son who excluded her from play - HER father told her that she could not play with the boys after that. Forbidding your kids to play with anyone who isn't nice 100% of the time will land you with one lonely kid!!

My kids have a love/hate relatioship and when they can't work it out - I ground them from each other. It usually only lasts an hour before they are begging to play with each other again. They both agree that is the worst punishment I give them for fighting with each other!

 

[Magpie]

Oh believe me - we talked to my son that he should not call her a stinky girl and should be respectful to her BUT it was not my son who excluded her from play - HER father told her that she could not play with the boys after that. Forbidding your kids to play with anyone who isn't nice 100% of the time will land you with one lonely kid!!

My kids have a love/hate relatioship and when they can't work it out - I ground them from each other. It usually only lasts an hour before they are begging to play with each other again. They both agree that is the worst punishment I give them for fighting with each other!

Oh... you're so right about that! One thing I won't ever do is tell my children who they can and can't play with. My mother tried to do that with me, and I didn't appreciate it one bit. If they're complaining a lot about one child, I will ask them, "Why are you still hanging around with this kid, if he's such a pain?" But that's as far as I'll go.

Grounding my children from each other wouldn't work in our case, though, as my daughter would consider it a vacation. She's turned sweet, smiling, passive-aggressiveness into a high art form! My son will be standing right in front, hollering at her and she'll look up from her book, blink innocently, and say, "I'm sorry, did you say something to me? I wasn't listening."

 

[cheermom1]

I thought teaching our children how to deal with things on their own was our job as a parent???? I thought we were supposed to let our kids works things out on their own to gain confidence and coping skills and social skills, as well as being independent so that they can take care of themselves when mommy and daddy aren't around??? Silly me I'm doing it all wrong huh?

 

[luvsJack]

I do not fix dd's personal issues, but I do listen and I do offer advice when she asks.

Sometimes it is SOOOO hard not to try to fix it for her.

 

[OhMari]

I'm not a parent, but I teach grade one. I won't even listen to a problem (generally speaking) without asking how the children have tried to solve it themselves. If they stand there and shrug, I tell them to think about how they can make things better and to come back if they've tried and it hasn't worked. In the very few instances where I get kids coming back to me, I ask each child in turn to tell me what happened, then I ask each one what went wrong and how they could make it better. I spend a lot of time talking about being kind and mindful when dealing with others in class, and now that we're into May most of my students won't even bother coming to me, they'll work things out on their own and then proudly come tell me about it after.

OMG, you must love your job, that age of kids, are still so funny and innocent, in a good way. I did play ground duty yesterday, because 2 teachers went on a field trip, and no parents volunteered, so they asked me.
We have a very small school, with 8 1st graders, and they all asked me my name, and told me who they were, who there brothers and sisters were, grandparents, how many cats, dogs they had. I was dreading the 45 minutes of recess duty, but the time flew by yesterday.

 

[agnes!]

No I don't. I might ask if she needs some back-up when dealing with a teacher or another adult, but I defer to her judgement.

Funny thing, I had a mother call me up about a classroom/school issue that her child thought they were having with mine...and this other kid's a *senior*!

agnes!

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I'm in the middle on this one. In our family, our family culture is that we help each other. Sometimes, I'm the one helping DS and sometimes he helps me. Would I get up and cut up his meat? No, but if he were engrossed in a book and the light moved and got in his eyes, I might get up and close the blinds if what I was doing lent itself to stopping. Then if 1/2 an hour later I'm reading and I get thirsty, he'd get me a drink without hesitating.

I have a kid who does pretty much everything I ask of him, without hesitation or whining. Why? Mostly because I'm incredibly lucky and have a child who is very easy going, but also, I think, because he knows I'd do the same thing for him.

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

I'm in the middle on this one. In our family, our family culture is that we help each other. Sometimes, I'm the one helping DS and sometimes he helps me. Would I get up and cut up his meat? No, but if he were engrossed in a book and the light moved and got in his eyes, I might get up and close the blinds if what I was doing lent itself to stopping. Then if 1/2 an hour later I'm reading and I get thirsty, he'd get me a drink without hesitating.

I have a kid who does pretty much everything I ask of him, without hesitation or whining. Why? Mostly because I'm incredibly lucky and have a child who is very easy going, but also, I think, because he knows I'd do the same thing for him.

That's great to have a co-operative relationship. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm speaking more of a pattern where mom tells child to do something, child refuses, child fusses when parent doesn't do it for her, Mom gives in and does it for the child. The pattern works very well for this child too so she does it every single time - no exaggeration! She's even tried it with me: Child is on play date at our house, I reprimand DD for doing something, other child starts protesting for my DD and telling me I'm wrong! This child probably thinks I'm the meanest person ever 'cause I get very firm, very quick - that's not happening here. She's so unpleasant to be around I dread when DD wants to invite her over

 

[themilesfamily]

I knew a kid in high school who would lie in bed in the morning and his mom would come in and apply his deodorant. I kid you not, he would raise his arms above his head and his mom would put it on for him. I guess he wanted to stay in bed longer and didn't want to walk over to the deodorant bottle.

Surprisingly he grew up to be a very responsible, hard-working and normal person. His mom was just a big enabler and was a little nutty. She intervened in EVERYTHING.

 

[SaraJayne]

I knew a kid in high school who would lie in bed in the morning and his mom would come in and apply his deodorant. I kid you not, he would raise his arms above his head and his mom would put it on for him. I guess he wanted to stay in bed longer and didn't want to walk over to the deodorant bottle.

 

[cheermom1]

I knew a kid in high school who would lie in bed in the morning and his mom would come in and apply his deodorant. I kid you not, he would raise his arms above his head and his mom would put it on for him. I guess he wanted to stay in bed longer and didn't want to walk over to the deodorant bottle.

Surprisingly he grew up to be a very responsible, hard-working and normal person. His mom was just a big enabler and was a little nutty. She intervened in EVERYTHING.

OMG my kids would be so dang mad at me if i tried that! I can hear it now "get out of my room!!!" "Leave!" "MOOOOOM!!"

 

[themilesfamily]

OMG my kids would be so dang mad at me if i tried that! I can hear it now "get out of my room!!!" "Leave!" "MOOOOOM!!"

I know! Mine would, too.

 

[jemmouse]

I am on the fence about so many of the posts, some I agree, some I don't. I think children should try to work things out as long as and here are my guidelines
-they are the same age(fighting with an older child, and telling a younger one to fix it, is pointless in my view. The older one has a larger vocabulary,more knowledge, and also has been around the block longer.
Secondly if the issue started when there are more than 2 children outside or inside then that is not fair also. One child is going to go home all upset while the other stays and then usually the others will side with the one who stayed and then its a group against a single child.
Children I think can be the most vicious people because they have no filter. Sometimes I have to laugh though because they say whats bothering them and tell eachother whereas us as adults think oh thats not nice or I can't do that and then a small problem can grow over time.
My best friend has 4 children whereas I only have one, and she even simply says she can't get involved because there is just no time between all the rotating 4, whereas only have one child I can get involved more due to having more time.
I guess bottom line and this is very hard for me to even swallow sometimes, everyone has a different approach to parenting. My parents did alot for me when I was growing up, and I grew up to be a strong independent woman. No child or rather person is going to have their mom tie their shoes when they are an adult, no child is going to have their parents cut up their food when they are an adult. So in their life it might work, I don't agree with it after a certain age, but who am I to say. Their actions are not hurting me, so to each is own. And trust me that is not an easy thing for me to say, BUT life is short and really what do I care what another mom does with her child, as long as its not hurting mine.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I'm speaking more of a pattern where mom tells child to do something, child refuses, child fusses when parent doesn't do it for her, Mom gives in and does it for the child. The pattern works very well for this child too so she does it every single time - no exaggeration! QUOTE]

I think this is the key. It's not about whether or not you help your kid. It's about how your kid asks for your help. If my child asks me to do/help with something I'm either going to say yes, or I'm going to say no. For the most part that answer then stands. Occasionally my child might politely amend the request to include information I did not previously know (e.g. "Mom, can you drive me to Joey's house. "No, I'm busy, please walk". "I need to take my giant science project so we can work on it together" "Oooops, forgot about that, of course I'll drive you, can you go walk the dog quickly first so that I can have a few minutes to finish up" "Of course, thank you Mom."

Not: "Mom, can you drive me to Joey's house" "No . . . " "You mean ugly terrible mommy I hate you" "Oh, baby, of course I'll drive you".

Similarly -- buying your kid a cookie at the store -- neither good or bad parenting. Buying a cookie becuase your kid is rolling on the floor kicking their feet --

What bothers me, however, is that here on the DIS the post is always titled something like this, that helping your child is the bad thing, rather than letting them ask impolitely.

 

[ilovejack02]

LOL my oldest is 21, and sometimes a lazy little bugger. I bet if I walked in when he was a teenager with his deodorant he would have let me put it on him .

I am very much a take care of yourself, suck it up kind of Momma.

I will say though, my DS7 has no idea how to tie shoes, Damn those crocs and easy pull on Sketcher tennis shoes. I really need to get on that this summer. I think he must not be the only one, when I sub for his 2nd grade class I am tying shoes all day long. I bet his teacher doesn't do that.

 

[charming23]

My parents never interfered in my personal issues unless I asked for help and I only did a few times. Twice it was just for advice and the third time I asked them to help me with some bullying that was going on at school.

My cousins however have never had to do anything for themselves. They are 24 (almost 25) and 21 and their mother still does everything for them. They do not do their own laundry, she will still cut up their food for them because they never learned how to, she still dictates who they can and can not be friends with, and makes sure they drink two glasses of milk a day. That to me is just ridiculous. They are both actually in college and have to check in at least twice a day and she is always asking them for every little detail about their day and checks their facebook statuses regularly to make sure they are not liying to her. She also insists on being apart of everything they do and always has to fix their problems.

She also has yelled at my mother because she feels I was raised poorly because I make my own decisions and have since I was in high school (I did have guidance from my parents but ultimately they wanted me to make my own mistakes and learn from them).