Do you fix personal issues for your kids?

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Wow, my kids are 9 and 13 -and I do not. Once in a while I'm approached by another Mom with this and I've got a good friend who tried to keep doing it until recently when her 15 year old son put his foot down. To me kids fight, they are friends one minute and not the next - and they need to learn how to resolve those issues themselves. I do talk to my kids about how they might handle things, but I don't step in and do it for them.

Same Mom has 9 year old DD, same age as mine. Her DD is so "babied" that she won't even do simple tasks for herself, she whines and cries until her Mom does it for her - example, the sun is bothering her so Mom says close the blinds, kid cries and won't get up and do it, Mom gives in and twists the rod to close them herself! How hard was that to do? but the kid would rather fuss and have Mom do it for her. It's attention getting behavior because her Mom and I were having a conversation and the child is used to getting all the attention.

I'm venting because I'm irritated with this right now!

 

[golfgal]

duplicate

 

[golfgal]

Last year we were out for dinner with DD's basketball team-they were all 14 and in 8th grade. One of the mom's walked over to her DD when the waitress came, ordered for her DD, when the food came, the mom got up and CUT UP her DD's food

My DH's brother's kids are somewhat like this, but they aren't too bad. One thing that just kills me is that they can't open a door. They will stand by a door and wait for mom or dad to open the door. It is really strange to watch but it has been going on since they were little-they are 15 and 13 now. I don't know what they do when mom and dad aren't around .

No, we don't step in for things that our kids are perfectly capable of doing (but then they are perfectly capable of doing because we have let them along the way).. Now, if they have run through all other options, we will then assist, but even then, they are expected to participate. I honestly can't think of any examples where we have had to get this far but if they had an issue at school, for example, and they did everything they could to fix it, we would then help but this has never happened.

 

[luvmy3]

No not for normal behavior that goes on between kids. The only time I had t step in is when ds was being bullied in school, but I dont consider that the same thing as what you are talking about.


golfgal, sometimes I'm guilty of cutting my dd12's food at home when I'm serving, but thats purely out of habit becuase I still do it for my 6 year old and I'm on autopilot. I couldn't imagine doing it in a restaurant, and I couldn't imagine my dd would even let me, thats crazy.

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Now, if they have run through all other options, we will then assist, but even then, they are expected to participate. I honestly can't think of any examples where we have had to get this far but if they had an issue at school, for example, and they did everything they could to fix it, we would then help but this has never happened.

I personally think that's a perfect philosophy.

And the 15 and 13 year olds must never leave a room LOL!

I think you make a lot of sense. I'm not saying these parents are bad people, in fact I seem to be surrounded with a lot of incredibly sweet and helpful parents while I seem to be the more "suck it up and deal with it type" The parents really are sweet people but some of these kids expect everyone's world to revolve around them and some of them are helpless

 

[mom2travel]

Wow, my kids are 9 and 13 -and I do not. Once in a while I'm approached by another Mom with this and I've got a good friend who tried to keep doing it until recently when her 15 year old son put his foot down. To me kids fight, they are friends one minute and not the next - and they need to learn how to resolve those issues themselves. I do talk to my kids about how they might handle things, but I don't step in and do it for them.

Same Mom has 9 year old DD, same age as mine. Her DD is so "babied" that she won't even do simple tasks for herself, she whines and cries until her Mom does it for her - example, the sun is bothering her so Mom says close the blinds, kid cries and won't get up and do it, Mom gives in and twists the rod to close them herself! How hard was that to do? but the kid would rather fuss and have Mom do it for her. It's attention getting behavior because her Mom and I were having a conversation and the child is used to getting all the attention.

I'm venting because I'm irritated with this right now!

I definitely do not. Kids need to learn to handle things and work things out with others on their own. I do encourage them to talk to us if something is bothering them, or if they would like advice or to bounce off ideas.

Have a friend whose DD is friends w/ our DD. The parents are way too involved in their kids lives. The girls are involved in totally different activities, so DD has a large number of friends who do not go to her school. She spends a good amount of time with these friends. Another friend from school is also part of that activity group, so whenever the two of them spend time together the parents of snowflake get bent out of shape that their DD is being left out. I've gotten numerous phone calls about this, it is almost comical. We think their poor kids are going to have some self-confidence issues if the parents keep stepping in and both creating issues where there are none and fighting the kids battles legit or not.
They also can't let one kid do something without creating an "equal opportunity" for other children - like if their DD is going on a camping trip, they'll take DSs camping so they don't feel bad. In our house, we would never even think of doing that. DD does things with her friends, team, girl scouts, school and DS does things with his. Sometimes one gets more and one gets less. Over time it all balances out

These parents have even called us to suggest we make plans for our DD on a certain day because a group of girls from school have plans that don't include my DD. I am assuming they meant well but I was like why are you telling me this? Our kids know they are not going to get along with everyone and that they are not going to be invited to every single event that exists. It is part of life. I have noticed that our DD and DS do not get ruffled over little things like other kids do, so I guess we've done something right.

At the end of the day, everyone is different and needs to do what they think is best for their own family. In many cases that will be different that what we think best for our family. At least I know my children are self-confident and are on their way to being functioning adults and that is all that I need to worry about

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

At the end of the day, everyone is different and needs to do what they think is best for their own family. In many cases that will be different that what we think best for our family. At least I know my children are self-confident and are on their way to being functioning adults and that is all that I need to worry about

Yes, that's true. I'm pretty live and let live too - I just get annoyed when what their kids want affects mine LOL. Last week I had a friend call me and wanted me to help her work out a spat between her DD and mine (both 9) as "mommies". My DD has her own mind and has never been especially fond of this girl but they are in the same class and are in outside school activities together. Friend told me her DD's side and I said I'd talk to my DD but I wasn't sure it was something we could make them work out. Really meant I can't force my DD to like yours if she doesn't want to. Apparently though my DD was not talking to hers and they thought it was over not picking her as a partner in school.

No not for normal behavior that goes on between kids. The only time I had t step in is when ds was being bullied in school, but I dont consider that the same thing as what you are talking about.

Well, that was just it - when I talked to my DD - friend's DD was hurting her! But my DD hadn't even mentioned it to me, not because she was intimidated but it was something she could handle - although she chose to avoid the girl as her way of handling it. I sitll wasn't upset as I don't think the other child meant to hurt DD, I think it's more attention getting behavior - but the other girl is physically bigger and plays too rough and kicks DD hard (I've seen that) under the table to get DD's attention. Called friend back and calmly explained the situation and my friend's whole attitude changed. Said she'd had to talk to her DD about that kind of thing before and dropped the let's work it out for them thing. We still aren't upset but my DD doesn't want to play with this girl and frankly, I'm not getting involved if she doesn't choose this girl as a friend.

I hated it when my parent's used to say "life isn't fair" but now I know that it isn't and you have to learn to deal with things. I see so many children that don't have that capability because it's all handled for them.

 

[CF'er]

I have a friend who regularly intervenes on her DD's behalf. The girl is 10 almost 11. Friend also puts on childs socks and shoes as the girl just can't be bothered (mom ties them too). The child is babied beyond belief. Only child. But she still has her Iphone and regular cell phone.

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Have a friend whose DD is friends w/ our DD. The parents are way too involved in their kids lives. The girls are involved in totally different activities, so DD has a large number of friends who do not go to her school. She spends a good amount of time with these friends. Another friend from school is also part of that activity group, so whenever the two of them spend time together the parents of snowflake get bent out of shape that their DD is being left out. I've gotten numerous phone calls about this, it is almost comical. We think their poor kids are going to have some self-confidence issues if the parents keep stepping in and both creating issues where there are none and fighting the kids battles legit or not.
They also can't let one kid do something without creating an "equal opportunity" for other children - like if their DD is going on a camping trip, they'll take DSs camping so they don't feel bad. In our house, we would never even think of doing that. DD does things with her friends, team, girl scouts, school and DS does things with his. Sometimes one gets more and one gets less. Over time it all balances out

I have a friend who regularly intervenes on her DD's behalf. The girl is 10 almost 11. Friend also puts on childs socks and shoes as the girl just can't be bothered (mom ties them too). The child is babied beyond belief. Only child. But she still has her Iphone and regular cell phone.

Oh boy. I have a relative that grew up like this. As an adult, that relative had drug and alcohol problems - big ones. I think as a result of never learning to deal with your problems. I may over compensate but so far my kids are pretty self reliant. I wish they were more willing to clean house but other than that . . .

 

[Crystal0608]

It depends on the issue, but yes I usually do fix personal issues for my kids.

I must confess though I'm a food cutter-upper. When I lived with my grandma as a teen, I got off of school, came home to change & eat fast, and had to be at work w/i 15 minutes on school days. She always had my food plated & meat cut up. If I am cooking, I have the habit of cutting on the serving dish then plating, even for adults lol.

 

[golfgal]

I have a friend who regularly intervenes on her DD's behalf. The girl is 10 almost 11. Friend also puts on childs socks and shoes as the girl just can't be bothered (mom ties them too). The child is babied beyond belief. Only child. But she still has her Iphone and regular cell phone.

When DD was in 5th grade we were at a basketball game (something about these basketball moms ) and one of the girls' mom put her basketball shoes on for her AND sat next to her on the bench for the entire game . This was their 3rd child so we still can't figure that one out.

 

[iwrbnd]

It's hard find the boundary between being supportive parents and helicopter parents! Since I have 4 kids mine are on their own for a lot mainly because I just don't have time!

 

[Sugardimples]

My sister's neighbor has a 6 year old who can't put on his own socks.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, that's true. I'm pretty live and let live too - I just get annoyed when what their kids want affects mine LOL. Last week I had a friend call me and wanted me to help her work out a spat between her DD and mine (both 9) as "mommies". My DD has her own mind and has never been especially fond of this girl but they are in the same class and are in outside school activities together. Friend told me her DD's side and I said I'd talk to my DD but I wasn't sure it was something we could make them work out. Really meant I can't force my DD to like yours if she doesn't want to. Apparently though my DD was not talking to hers and they thought it was over not picking her as a partner in school.



Well, that was just it - when I talked to my DD - friend's DD was hurting her! But my DD hadn't even mentioned it to me, not because she was intimidated but it was something she could handle - although she chose to avoid the girl as her way of handling it. I sitll wasn't upset as I don't think the other child meant to hurt DD, I think it's more attention getting behavior - but the other girl is physically bigger and plays too rough and kicks DD hard (I've seen that) under the table to get DD's attention. Called friend back and calmly explained the situation and my friend's whole attitude changed. Said she'd had to talk to her DD about that kind of thing before and dropped the let's work it out for them thing. We still aren't upset but my DD doesn't want to play with this girl and frankly, I'm not getting involved nor do I care if she doesn't choose this girl as a friend.

I hated it when my parent's used to say "life isn't fair" but now I know that it isn't and you have to learn to deal with things. I see so many children that don't have that capability because it's all handled for them.

All 3 of my kids have been through things like that too, and I have always let them handle it on their own. I offer advice in what they could do, but never tried to handle it for them. What was happening to my one ds went way beyond that, it was real bullying and had been going on for awhile and the only way I knew it was going on was because a teacher called to tell me that ds was refusing to do something in class. That didn't sound like him (he NEVER wants to break the rules and is often worried about doing the wrong thing so I knew something had to be going on in order for him to do that. When he came home and I asked, he told me what had been going on, and I knew I needed to get involved. I think as a parent you need to know when its someting they can handle on their own, but always be available if they need you to step in because even though they are learning to take care of themselves there still may be times when the need you. As much as I want them to be responsible and independent I still want them to know that if they can't do something on their own, that they can always come to me.

 

[mom2travel]

Yes, that's true. I'm pretty live and let live too - I just get annoyed when what their kids want affects mine LOL. Last week I had a friend call me and wanted me to help her work out a spat between her DD and mine (both 9) as "mommies". My DD has her own mind and has never been especially fond of this girl but they are in the same class and are in outside school activities together. Friend told me her DD's side and I said I'd talk to my DD but I wasn't sure it was something we could make them work out. Really meant I can't force my DD to like yours if she doesn't want to. Apparently though my DD was not talking to hers and they thought it was over not picking her as a partner in school.

Oh, I know what you mean. It is hard when someone else is creating issues that directly involve your child. I remember DD last year came home upset because this friend said something to her because DD picked someone else to be her partner in gym class or some other special. DD said, "but mom I didn't not pick Judy, I just picked Sally because she never gets picked. I can't always pick the same person, that's not fair." Unfortunately, it was a lesson in even when doing the right thing you still get pushback. And yes, this was mentioned by "Judy's" parents to us. I think in this case, they have confident, high-achieving sons and are paranoid that their DD doesn't have as many friends as others or doesn't do as well as her brothers, etc and try to overcompensate. For the record, the girl is a good friend to DD and would be just fine if they would let her think for herself

 

[SaraJayne]

I personally think that's a perfect philosophy.

And the 15 and 13 year olds must never leave a room LOL!

I think you make a lot of sense. I'm not saying these parents are bad people, in fact I seem to be surrounded with a lot of incredibly sweet and helpful parents while I seem to be the more "suck it up and deal with it type" The parents really are sweet people but some of these kids expect everyone's world to revolve around them and some of them are helpless

No, I don't fix personal issues for my kids. How would they ever learn to work it out themselves or develop problem solving skills?

If they ask me for advice about something, I'm happy to talk with them, but they are on their own for the rest.

And I tell my DS almost on a daily basis (he's 13 ) that no matter what he seems to think, the world does not revolve around him and his "wants".

 

[Ember]

I'm not a parent, but I teach grade one. I won't even listen to a problem (generally speaking) without asking how the children have tried to solve it themselves. If they stand there and shrug, I tell them to think about how they can make things better and to come back if they've tried and it hasn't worked. In the very few instances where I get kids coming back to me, I ask each child in turn to tell me what happened, then I ask each one what went wrong and how they could make it better. I spend a lot of time talking about being kind and mindful when dealing with others in class, and now that we're into May most of my students won't even bother coming to me, they'll work things out on their own and then proudly come tell me about it after.

 

[mom2travel]

I think as a parent you need to know when its someting they can handle on their own, but always be available if they need you to step in because even though they are learning to take care of themselves there still may be times when the need you. As much as I want them to be responsible and independent I still want them to know that if they can't do something on their own, that they can always come to me.

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Yep

Can you all come live around me?

 

[DVCBELLE]

I am in the category of letting my kids work it out themselves. It will help them cope later in life! I do give them guidance but do not intervene. Twice my DD had issues at school that she could not seem to resolve and I asked the teachers what they thought of the situation. Both times, a quick suggestion from the teacher to the girls in question solved the problems.

We have a next door neighbor that will cause problems for his DDs later in life. My son is 6 and his best friend lives across the street and is 2 weeks younger. Last summer (they were 5) when they were playing with the 4 year old next door - they called her a stinky girl. The boys were told they could not play with her anymore. That wore off after a while mostly b/c she begs them to come play with her. But can you imagine being upset with a 5 year boy for calling a 4 year old girl a stinky girl? I can't wait to see how they cope with Kindergarten and beyond!!!!!

Last week, another of my son's friends was spending the night and had an incident with the little girl. I will admit that what happened would be upsetting BUT it was an unintended consequence of a poor choice he made. (All the little girl needed was a change of clothes to remedy what happened) So I removed the boys from the situation (the dad was pretty angry with my son's friend) and talked to them about their poor choices, let his mom know what happened and went on with my evening. An hour and a half later - at 9:30 at night - he rings my doorbell and asks me what I did about it. To me that was over the top.
A. It wasn't my child so I am not sure how much he thought I should do anyway
B. It's really none of his business of how I discipline my kids - we had made the appropriate apologies in the situation
C. It was late at night, Dh was at a ballgame and quite truthfully - HE SCARED ME! (we don't have a relationship with them as they are odd)

I have stepped into this situation and told my kids that they are not allowed to play with the girls anymore. I can't trust how their father will react to normal childhood interactions. So I do see how parents becoming overly involved in their kids personal issues can be detrimental.