Do you ever stop being the parent???

[Deb Quen of Colorado]

Do you ever become friends and have to stop being equal all the time?

Just got off a 90 minute conversation with a family member. One of the biggest whines I hear from this group of the family is that mom and dad favor 1 kid/family over all the others. They get mad that it's not equal... they know her kids birthdays, soccer games, teacher names, etc and why aren't they that involved in my kids stuff. I always think to myself it's because they are the family that calls, chats, invites, and shows up to things. They basically get along and have moved to an adult to adult relationship.

But I wonder...... do kids eventually see their parents as 'people'? Do parents ever feel that they can just be themselves around their kids or do you always have the be equal thing in the back of their minds?

background on the family.. they have 6 kids, 3 each from prev marriage but were brought up pretty much together. 5 have married and have kids.

 

[tlbwriter]

Even if my parents weren't involved with my child, I'd expect them to know her birthday!

Anyway, I think the answer is no, you will never completely step out of that parent/child relationship and see this person as just another adult. But I also don't think that being friends and being equal and stepping out of the parent role are related. I don't expect my parents to treat me and my family exactly the same way they treat my siblings and their families. But that doesn't mean I want a "just friends" relationship with them. I don't consider that part of "growing up."

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Our children will always be our children, and we will always be their parents.

 

[Robinrs]

Before my Mom died someone mentioned "you've got to be their parent until they're 18"...

My Mom pointed to her THEN 60 year old daughter who was sitting at the table whining about her job and her husband and said "Oh YEAH???"

I never saw my Mom as my equal. She was my best friend but she was ALWAYS my mother. We established a very good rapport from birth and it lasted until her death when I was 46. I BELIEVE I have the same relationship with my son (ask him ) but there is always the respect issue. It's a good lesson for life, also. Your relationship with your parents reflect in all of your authority relationships. Always know where to draw the line.

 

[LucyStorm]

Before my Mom died someone mentioned "you've got to be their parent until they're 18"...

My Mom pointed to her THEN 60 year old daughter who was sitting at the table whining about her job and her husband and said "Oh YEAH???"

I never saw my Mom as my equal. She was my best friend but she was ALWAYS my mother. We established a very good rapport from birth and it lasted until her death when I was 46. I BELIEVE I have the same relationship with my son (ask him ) but there is always the respect issue. It's a good lesson for life, also. Your relationship with your parents reflect in all of your authority relationships. Always know where to draw the line.

Amen!!!!

 

[Becky2005]

Our children will always be our children, and we will always be their parents.

Pretty much & hopefully they did a decent enough job of raising each other to not be petty (although a lot of times it seems to be the married spouse causing waves not the actual kids -- at least in our family).

I know my parents try to be equal but there is no way it can be 100% equal - life doesn't work that way. No way have I done it with my children but they all get what they need at the time they need it. Some of my kids need glasses some don't, some need braces, some don't. Some get McDonald's more than the others but then they grow up and get McDonald's more than their older sibling did. Each gets their turn whenever -- in the end it all equals out (basically).

I know my parents have helped my sister & brother out with things. They have also helped me out. Now, we tend to be hush/hush about it with the married spouses as it could cause problems but between my siblings we really don't care. I have 4 kids, my brother & sister have 2, obviously my family is getting more, however, my parents have always said as soon as the grandkids turn 18, they no longer get money in their birthday cards -- my kids are the youngest, so if the older grandkids started gripping about not getting money when my kids are - ummm...you got it when you were their age too. I know it probably seems like they may favor mine more in one way but that's because they only have 1 set of grandparents so if some event for both grandkids happen to fall on the same day (rarely, if ever happens), they will come to my kids events rather than my niece/nephew because my niece/nephew will have the other set of grandparents there. My sister lives 1,000 miles away, my parents are definitely more involved in my children & my brother's children's lives than they were in my sister's childrens because of distance. We live close to my parents, my sister doesn't.

I'm sure there is blatant issues going on in some families but I know in ours it just ebbs & flows with whatever the situation is at the moment.

 

[okeydokey]

You can't always be equal but you should always try to be fair.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Just got off a 90 minute conversation with a family member. One of the biggest whines I hear from this group of the family is that mom and dad favor 1 kid/family over all the others.

I am wondering if you happen to be that 1 kid/family.

And, to answer your question.
In most cases, NO... family dynamics and relationships are 'forever'.
Just look at how children and relatives go even harder at that 'I want my equal share' battle when the last of the two parents pass away.

Family expectations and dynamics are pretty much 'forever'.
And this whole "I want MY share" is a very simple but undeniable facet of human nature.

 

[4nana]

Our children will always be our children, and we will always be their parents.

You can't always be equal but you should always try to be fair.

Ditto!

 

[Deb Quen of Colorado]

No.. I am not that kid. My mom passed when I was 18. My kids never had anyone be a grandparent for them so I guess that is part of the reason this baffles me. It just seems so petty to me, almost like counting how many minutes each kid gets and comparing notes.

 

[mumom95]

No, I don't think you do.

 

[mumom95]

You can't always be equal but you should always try to be fair.

I completely agree with this. But I also think in those rare times when something happens and you have to obviously favor/help one child more than the other, be honest about it. I think what makes it more difficult for the other child sometimes is when the parents try to say "I always treat you all the same" when they aren't for whatever reason. It's ok to say "I know your brother is getting more attention/time/money or whatever it is right now, but that's because he needs it. It may be hard to understand, but just know that if you ever need us like he does right now, we'll be here for you like we are for him".

 

[Mermaid02]

I was just venting to my Mom about my very stressful afternoon and she said, "Do you need me?" (it's Tuesday so she was on her way to have drinks with the girls) I said, "No- just wanted a sounding board" but I'm sure she will stop by after her drink. You are always a parent.