Do you discipline nieces/nephews when they visit your house? WWYD?

[hanutedmansionmomma]

My Dear Niece was over for dinner tonite (age 5) and was rude and awful to everyone! She said she would only sit across from my DD and she didn't like my DS and he was lazy, and we were being mean, and not fair, and she hates this house, and on and on and on. BTW, no one was saying anything. I finally started up a conversation about Thanksgiving, which really sent her over the edge, and she started to loudly say, "blag blah blah blah..."

She's definitely got an anger issue, which is not a secret, but it freaked me out that my sister and her DH sat and did nothing. I was very close to saying something to her, but I just wasn't sure where it would go.

It was an uncomfortable nite for all.

They left a while ago and now I'm wondering what I could/should have said or done. My own kids are about done listening to the abuse every time too, and really don't even like to play with her anymore. This has been going on for a while, but I'm about done sitting back.

Advice please! TIA

 

[DisneyGerry]

Sometimes it takes a village

 

[eeyoremum]

I have and would again discipline ANY child that comes into my home. My house MY rules don't like it leave.

 

[acourtwdw]

While I don't have any kids of my own, I have and still do spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews including taking them to WDW w/o their parents. If her parents weren't taking care of the issue with her, I would have. There is no reason to act like that and I wouldn't have stood for it.

 

[MommytoaSweetie]

I'm assuming her parent's weren't there? If they were, I probably would have said something to them first (although possibly not... I'm a former teacher and sometimes correction just comes out ). But it sounds like they weren't, so yes, I definitely would have done something - nothing crazy, but rude behavior like that that couldn't be stopped by requests and such I probably would have sent back or similar. If my own children are at someone's house and misbehaving, I hope that they are corrected.

 

[SweetPeasMom2]

Yes and I do. That's just how we work in our family and even in our group of friends. Like the previous poster said, sometimes it takes a village.

 

[KirstenB]

I give a few minutes to see if my brother/sister will step in. If not, I'll say something, like hey buddy, ease up, there are little kids here. Just try to let them keep their dignity, while giving them a little verbal tap. Anyway, I have 5 brothers and sisters. We have lots of family gatherings, and often, the parents , including me, are elsewhere. I expect my siblings to step in if my kids are being inappropriate.

 

[Jperiod]

Depends on what you mean by discipline. We have a grace-based style and don't utilize traditional time-outs or the like. But I don't ignore comments like that from strangers, let alone family, so I would have certainly spoken up with a civilized and polite response. My hope would be that the parents would step in and take over, but if not, I'm not shy. I want to model for my child how to speak up for himself, not hold things in and fester, forgive, and move on. Some five year olds are still pretty clueless and selfish, but I think something like this might leave an impression, "It hurts my feelings when you say that. Please keep hurtful comments like that in your head or share with your parents after you leave. I'm sorry you're not enjoying yourself. We like to have your family over. Is there something we can do to make your visit more pleasant?" etc, etc Kill her with kindness.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I agree with the previous poster about giving the parents a minute to do their jobs. However, if they do nothing and it is at my home, then I'll kindly redirect the child.

Have you tried talking to your sister? Kindly and gently (but knowing the real risk for ticking her off!) ask her if she has noticed how her little one acts/talks around you and your kids. See what she says. She may ask for help. Then you can offer advice.

If she says nothing, then give her a few examples you've noticed -- not all of them though. If she acts like its no big deal or gets mad, drop it. Then the next time her daughter acts up at your house, then have a few kind and re-directive phrases ready. When one of our kids starts complaining we will either say in a sing-song voice "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit" or we sing "You can't always get what you want, but if you try real hard you might get what you need." Usually, one of those prod our kids into doing right. When one of ours is being loud we tell them they are welcome to be loud in (pick a room) and they can come back when they got all of the loud out of them.

The other choice is to stop doing things with them. Not the best for family! Good luck!!!

 

[tlh0726]

Nieces, nephews, friends, etc. all follow the rules of our home while they are in our home. All the kids know where the time out chair is. They also know that their parents are not going to rescue them until their time out is up.
First occurance is a warning. Second occurance they are redirected to something else. Third is the time out, and the time out does not start until they are sitting there in a calm manner (normally I will discuss the situation with them ,ask them why they did what they did and what they should have done, etc. )


You need to call your sister and discuss your neices behavior this evening. You also need to let her know that it will not be tolerated in the future and if neither of them will correct the situation that you have no choice but to do so yourself.

Good luck.

I hope your Sister and BIL wise up and put an end to this type of behavior. If your niece has anger issues, she needs help learning how to control it now not later.

 

[StitchFanZ]

I'd give them a heads up that you need to address rude langauge and disrespectful behavior in your house and that next time anyone speaks rudely or acts inappropriately they will be given one warning. After the warning, they will be asked to leave. They can go decide to go home, outside, to the garage, or another room with a parent until they can act appropriately.
Your house = your rules. Its as simple as that.
Good luck!

 

[crash2000]

please also remember they learn this behavour somewhere. (home)

In my house there parents would get a chance then I would speak up, I don't see why she couldn't have sat across from dd though, whats the big deal?

" ok enough , its time to eat dinner, if you don't want to eat dinner with us, you can wait in the other room, and don't ask for anything later when your hungry"

usally works in my house, my daughter has gone hungry a few nights, but now knows were serious, and we don't force her to clean the plate off, but to be respectful to us, her food etc...

also this is your sister's child, are you guys close? maybe a nice chat with sister, about the child is in order, left like this, it will only get worse...

 

[Dee77]

Let me start off by saying that disciplining someone else's child is a very delicate situation no matter where you are. The part of what happened at your dinner table that bothers me the most is what your niece said about your son and that NO one corrected her, that is unacceptable IMHO. From what I have just said you can tell that I would have spoken up right then and there. I agree with everyone here that the situation will only get worse and you and your sister really need to have a heart to heart. Good luck!

 

[badblackpug]

Wow! I can't believe that a parent would allow a child to speak to another adult like that! I would have given your sister a minute to say something and when she didn't I would have said something along the lines of "name calling or back talk or interrupting adults is against the rules in this house, your parents may allow you to do it in their house, but it is not allowed here. In our house, if you can't be polite at the table you have to leave the table without eating."

I would also have a serious discussion with your sister about her daughter's behavior and the consequences. I would explain to her that your kids don't want to play with her any more because of the way she treats them. I agree that disciplining other people's children is a delicate situation, but there is NO WAY I would allow a child to speak to me like that.

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

"It hurts my feelings when you say that. Please keep hurtful comments like that in your head or share with your parents after you leave. I'm sorry you're not enjoying yourself. We like to have your family over. Is there something we can do to make your visit more pleasant?" etc, etc Kill her with kindness.

jperiod - I think this is what I was looking for! Something to say when she's rude that lets her know it's not ok, but in a way that we can continue with our evening.

I have talked to DSister about this in the past, she's at her wit's end. It just struck me tonite that she and BIL didn't say a WORD. Very uncomfy. I think they don't know what to say. Niece has a lot of quirks that are hard to accept/deal with.

Thanks everyone - I feel more cool about going ahead and making a comment when she gets like this. I am part of her "village" after all

 

[tlh0726]

jperiod -

I have talked to DSister about this in the past, she's at her wit's end. It just struck me tonite that she and BIL didn't say a WORD. Very uncomfy. I think they don't know what to say. Niece has a lot of quirks that are hard to accept/deal with.

Haven't read all the posts.

If they are allowing her to act this way outside their home, what do they allow inside their home?

Your sister and BIL need to let your niece know they mean business and that she will no longer get away with such behavior period. They both need to be on the same page, set rules and consequences for breaking those rules. They need to present a united front. Rules are rules.

They need to stop enabling her to continue such behavior.

One friend totally stripped their son's room. All he had in there was a bed, pillow, sheets, blanket, and clothes. They set a value on everything and he had to earn them back one at a time. He could also lose them again depending on his behavior
It was a total wake up call to their son. Once he realized mom and dad had enough and was not giving in no matter what, it was like a light bulb went off. It totally changed their lives.

I would also have them talk to her peditrician.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Yes I will say something to my nieces or nephews and I have no problem if my own kids do something wrong and someone corrects them. In the case of your DN I would have said to her "Really? You really think that is a nice thing to say? Really? How would you feel if I called you some name like that? I am betting not to nice. I think you need to apologize to your cousin."
Good luck. I would not tolerate that nonsense even if it meant having a fight with my sister about it. Nobody is going to want to be around that kid if she doesn't learn some manners.

 

[RMulieri]

Wow..I just went thru the same thing..I had both my Niece and nephew for a few days while my brother and his wife moved into the new house.My niece was an angel. My 7 yr old nephew was non-stop complaints and rude.." I hate this house" " My new house is better and bigger than yours" " you are mean" and he called my 5 yr old a "thumbsucker and full of germs" because she goes to beforecare daycare.I did not hesitate to discipline him, and I called both his parents too. They told me to have at it and punish him.I tried the whole " that hurts my feelings, Would you like it if someone said that to you." In my case though, they are aware that my nephew is like this and they are trying to correct the problem.

 

[brockash]

If my dnephew or dniece were at my house without their parents, I'd absolutely do timeouts, talk to them about behavoir ect. It sounds like in your situation the parents were there. In that case, no I would not have said anything, as I think that would be extremely rude (even if dn -5 was being rude herself.) I'd probably ask dsis about it privately at a later time, and if the behavoir seems to persists, I'd probably stop inviting them over. Now, when the niece called your ds a name, I'd say something like "let's be nice ect." and when she was insisting on sitting in a certain spot, I'd say that no, these are the seating arrangements ect., but I don't consider any of that disciplining. I'd also make sure to speak to my kiddos about the behavoir after they left and explained how it's not acceptable ect.

 

[wdwfan16]

I will let the parents have time to deal with the problem. If they don't then I will step in. No reason to allow that behavior in my home in front of my kids.