Do you call your in-laws to check on them

[mrsstats]

My parents are both gone. My husband is lucky enough to still have both his parents. He does not think he should call them except for maybe 1x a month. They don't live along, their daughter, granddaughter and great grandson all live with them.

He called them today (after my reminding him each day) for their anniversary. They gave him a hard time about not calling and checking up on them during the recent snow storm.

I don't feel like I should be the one calling them. I have no problems with them but we don't have a close relationship and I know they would rather hear from their son.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I don't have inlaws anymore, but when I did I used to call them once in awhile. My mom & dad used to both call or write his parents. My mom's parents were local and we saw them often.

But, I think you're asking opinions on whether or not it is your responsibility to call them.

I don't think it is your responsibility. It is your husband's responsibility. However, whether or not you have a close relationship, I think a call every now and then is a simple and kind gesture.

 

[dislaney]

I do call my in-laws and check in on them. They are getting older now and I call and see if they need anything and see how they are. I know they would rather hear from their son but he doesn't call very often at all. I know I don't have to call them but I don't mind doing it.

 

[EllaM]

Oh thank you for getting him to call. I'm on the other end of the situation. I live with my widowed dad and am forever trying to get my brothers to remember him. Their wives are not as diligent in getting them to check in. The wives rarely ever call. One used to check in a lot when my mom was still alive but now she is too busy with her things.

It does hurt my dad when his sons are MIA. When it gets bad enough I inititiate the call and put them on the phone with each other.

Ironically it's not that my father is a difficult person to get along with. His sons usually complain they don't spend enough time with him. Frustrating when they'd have plenty of time with him if they just put some effort into it.

Meanwhile my sister and I have made our dad a part of our daily lives. A friend of mine says its that daughters are daughters for life but a son is a son only until he takes a wife. Me, I just think men get lazy and want to be left alone. If it wasn't for sports and politics some would never talk.

As for whether a DIL should call, no it's not your responsibility. Still if it is a choice between not hearing from a son's family at all or hearing from a DIl or grandchild, those older parents will welcome anything they can get. It's a shame so many nuclear families are forgetting the grandparents these days.

 

[merryweather20]

My parents are both gone. My husband is lucky enough to still have both his parents. He does not think he should call them except for maybe 1x a month. They don't live along, their daughter, granddaughter and great grandson all live with them.

He called them today (after my reminding him each day) for their anniversary. They gave him a hard time about not calling and checking up on them during the recent snow storm.

I don't feel like I should be the one calling them. I have no problems with them but we don't have a close relationship and I know they would rather hear from their son.

Why didn't they call to check up on you and your DH during the storm

I wouldn't be to keen on being scolded for something they could have just as easily initiated on their end.

 

[EllaM]

Why didn't they call to check up on you and your DH during the storm

I wouldn't be to keen on being scolded for something they could have just as easily initiated on their end.

I presume because grown children are expected to be the ones who check in on their elder parents. It's the idea of youth looking out for the old.

 

[minkydog]

My parents are both gone. My husband is lucky enough to still have both his parents. He does not think he should call them except for maybe 1x a month. They don't live along, their daughter, granddaughter and great grandson all live with them.

He called them today (after my reminding him each day) for their anniversary. They gave him a hard time about not calling and checking up on them during the recent snow storm.

I don't feel like I should be the one calling them. I have no problems with them but we don't have a close relationship and I know they would rather hear from their son.

Well, no wonder he doesn't want to call. Who needs the drama?

I guess I'm not getting why it's the wife's job to make sure their husbands call their parents. Last time I checked my husband already had a mother, he doesn't need another one. I don't understand the compulsion to make my husband do what *I* think he ought to do. He's a grown man, for heaven's sake! If your husband don't want to call,I think you should let that alone. He has his reasons and it may be as simple as he doesn't have anything to say. Or that he doesn't want to hear them carry on about it. If you want to call and talk to them, knock yourself out!

ETA: I do not and will never call my in-laws. THey are nice enough people but not my cuppa tea. If I weren't married to their son/brother we would have nothing in common at all. I also don't call my mother very often. She's an active 75 and travels frequently. THere are 5 of us so she's checking in with one or another. Some of my sibs live closer to her and they hear from her pretty often. we live 400miles away--outta sight, outta mind, I guess. Anyway, we love each other but we just don't need to be joined at the hip.
Both of us are comfortable with the status quo. My mother can be a piece of work but at least she has never chastised me for not calling her (probably because she knows the effect that would have on me).

 

[MariDisney]

I do not call my in laws ever. My DH calls them to chat maybe every 2 weeks or so. Maybe once a month. I don't know, I don't keep track and I don't think he always thinks to mention it to me. They do have an adult daughter living with them and another adult child and his family living a mile or so away. I'm sure we don't need to check how they are doing in weather related situations unless it were an extreme emergency.

 

[minkydog]

I'm sure we don't need to check how they are doing in weather related situations unless it were an extreme emergency.

I don't usually call my mother during weather. She lives in Mobile, AL, so they have their share of storms and she is very capable of managing herself. Although, when Hurricane Katrina came I begged her to go to my sister's house across the bay. She waited until the last minute and was one of the last cars allowed across the BayWay.

 

[merryweather20]

I presume because grown children are expected to be the ones who check in on their elder parents. It's the idea of youth looking out for the old.

If my 90 year old grandma wants to call me she calls me Ditto her son and son in law.

My other Grandma is very ill and not able to dial a telephone or use one at all. We of course go and visit frequently because she can't make an effort on her end.

It doesn't sound like the OP's parents need to be looked out for especially not to the extent they can't physically make a phone call. Their beef seems very juvenile and I wouldn't call either if that was what they were going to waste the Long Distance minutes on.

 

[lillygator]

no and DH usually doesn't either.

 

[minniecarousel]

I'm not elderly, but my one DDIL will call or text me. I like having a relationship with her. I mean, I wouldn't have met her without my son, but I enjoy talking just with her (she also has time during the day to check in.) My mother is in very poor health, and DDIL has been very supportive, I think because she helped to care for her Grandmother when she was dying.

But, it's true - getting that "you never call" is annoying. My DH's parents died when we were newly married and he would get the "you're never in touch" from his aunts & uncles! It made him not want to go to any extended family events.

I do think that it is the responsibilty of adult children to call their elderly parents. I can see that it hurts my Mom when my brothers don't call her. I just tell her that the phone works both ways, but I'm ticked at them.

 

[FayeW]

I call my mother in law fairly frequently. Not every week or anything, but probably once every 6-8 weeks. If I decided that it had been too long since my husband called his parents, then I would either call MIL just to say hello and then hand him the phone, or I would badger him to call. Since his Dad died, he calls his mother at least a couple of times a week.

When he was in the military he traveled a lot, so I got in the habit of calling his parents to keep them updated on the kids. Sometimes he was in dangerous places and him parents worried about him, especially when they would hear about casualties. I know three different times when he was in Afghanistan I had to call his mother and say "you might hear something on the news, don't worry...it's not him."

When my son scored goals in hockey or soccer we would come home and call both "Nannies" to share the excitement. We are the only children who don't live in the same province(s) as our respective parents, so we have to make the effort so the kids have some kind of relationship, albeit long distance.

I wish people would stop getting so caught up in the "in-law" label. It's not like it's His & Hers towels we are talking about! These people are part of your family. If you have children, they are part of your family forever. Be courteous, respectful, and play nice.

 

[tonilea]

There is no need, MIL (81) calls multiple times daily. DH also checks in on her daily and makes sure her medication is filled, she is eating, etc. We also take care of most of her doctor visits and shopping.

That said, I don't call my own family often. I am just not a phone person, maybe because I worked as a receptionist for almost ten years. We do visit my parents almost every Sunday, so it isn't like we don't visit them.

 

[ols386]

I presume because grown children are expected to be the ones who check in on their elder parents. It's the idea of youth looking out for the old.

That's just it....it's the expectation. Some people, don't like it if someone, a relative, or who ever, doesn't live up to their expectations. But the bottom line is that we really can't control others, not really. And if we have certain expectations of them, we might very well be disappointed.

If I thought I was going to be scolded when I did call, I probably would be somewhat reluctant to call. I experienced this with my dad and step-mother (when he was living). My SM was pretty mouthy about expressing if she thought I didn't call when she thought I should, and I really didn't appreciate it at all. I'm an adult, I will decide when I should call, and I don't need to be scolded about it.

 

[lovesmurfs]

My parents are both gone. My husband is lucky enough to still have both his parents. He does not think he should call them except for maybe 1x a month. They don't live along, their daughter, granddaughter and great grandson all live with them.

He called them today (after my reminding him each day) for their anniversary. They gave him a hard time about not calling and checking up on them during the recent snow storm.

I don't feel like I should be the one calling them. I have no problems with them but we don't have a close relationship and I know they would rather hear from their son.

I guess I disagree. I have a close relationship with my MIL because I've called her when DH forgets or "gets too busy." I've tried my best to even out holidays (both sides are in different time zones from us), and I will call her about once a week. It's the only chance she has to learn about us and the grandkids (although she's pretty active on Facebook!).

...then again, the phones dial both ways, and she's not hesitant to call us if we get wrapped up in life in general.

To me, I didn't just marry DH 20 years ago -- his family is what made him into the man I love and to me it's important to cultivate good relationships with them.

 

[Kae]

We talk to them at least weekly. They are not ones to ask for help so we do check on them. they are very giving & help us out when we need it.

Kae

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

my husband talks to his parents maybe once a week if that. his parents don't give him a hard time about it tho.


my mother and i don't get along at all, but if i don't call my mother AT LEAST every other day she freaks out on me.

 

[Ephany]

I rarely call them for me or DH. He talks to his mom regularly and she keeps us updated with email multiple times during the month. He doesn't tell me to call my mom and I don't tell him to call his (unless of course one of us is reminding the other because we'd already mentioned it). However, I do call whenever DD wants to say thank you or just chat with them. I mightn't have anything to say, but I know they like it when she calls. As she gets older, I'll call less frequently I'm sure. I'm a big fan of emailing rather than calling when I need to pass on information and it's a good way to send recent pictures of DD.

 

[EllaM]

To me, I didn't just marry DH 20 years ago -- his family is what made him into the man I love and to me it's important to cultivate good relationships with them.

I wish people would stop getting so caught up in the "in-law" label. It's not like it's His & Hers towels we are talking about! These people are part of your family. If you have children, they are part of your family forever. Be courteous, respectful, and play nice.

Both sentiments I agree with. Call me a traditionalist but the way I learned things was that when two people married they were joining two families. Unless one family is abusive and must be disowned for your own self-preservation it's important to keep those relationships going. If there are children involved it's even more important that parents maintain relationships with both families. Kids like to know where they came from. That family tree goes back a long way.

Women do tend to be a bit better at keeping communication going so I put more expectation on them. Doesn't excuse the sons and husbands but it explains why they need some pressure now and then.

That's just it....it's the expectation. Some people, don't like it if someone, a relative, or who ever, doesn't live up to their expectations. But the bottom line is that we really can't control others, not really. And if we have certain expectations of them, we might very well be disappointed.

Look at this way. As parents you spend 20+ years of your youth caring for children spending all your free time and money nurturing them to become happy constructive adults. How ungrateful does a kid have to be to get all that support then turn around and forget their parents even exist? Especially when those parents are now at an age when their bodies are failing, their peers are dying, and their time is getting shorter.

I get that some people aren't phone people and some are just really poor communicators. What bugs me is seeing older folks tormented with feeling their youthful efforts were in vain and knowing that those neglectful adult children will someday cry at funerals, seeking solace, because they didn't have enough time to spend with their elder parent. It's never right.

When I was growing up we did almost everything with my grandmother. She was the only grandparent I had left as they all died before I was born or was very young. She went on family vacations with us. We went to her house for weekend dinners. She came to ours for Christmas weekend. She had an active social life with her friends but we were her family. It was our job to look out for her. Her sons weren't around as much but even they had the conscience to apologize when they let life keep them away too long. Both my parents were committed to looking after this woman. She wasn't an "in-law" she was a "mom" to them both.