Do you believe there is work/life balance?

[NHdisneylover]

I think your post is exactly what I am talking about. In my opinion, your husband has given up a lot of his life and as you say he is pretty far up his company. Would he be where he is at without the 40 weeks on the road?

Very possibly not. I know he would not be where he is had we not been willing (okay chomping at the bit for the experience) to move to Germany. He HAS given up a lot, but he also gets 6 weeks of vacation a year (and that is ALL family time), they take him seriously when he says he needs to be home for whatever reason and my kids feel like they have a better relationship with their dad than a lot of their friends whose parents do not travel. SO, I guess I would say there IS a balance. You cannot expect to get ahead if family is always more important than work, but if you put family first when they really need it and are willing to work hard otherwise then yes you can achieve BALANCE. If you expect your family to always come first, and your company to schedule all your work around a kid's schedule then I see that as lopsided the other way and no you cannot really get ahead that way.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

My DH's and my careers are more "lifestyles" than careers.

DH gets ordered for overtime on a regular basis. My company can extend me into my days off as they wish.

I am gone sometimes 20 days a month. DH works 12 hour days, 4 - 5 days a week.

The funny thing is, I think that we are truly, absolutely happy with our careers, even though they are our LIFE, or at least a huge part of it.

Megs, is your husband a Livonia cop? (Hoping he hasn't pulled me over ) I had no idea they were working that much. Are you guys planning to have kids? What will you do if you have children and are working such unconventional jobs?

My SIL is a nurse, works 12 hour shifts 7pm-7am. She has considered having a child on her own but since her job is a lifestyle too, I just don't see how it could happen. You can't put a kid in daycare 13 hours a day.

 

[scrapquitler]

I am stating that to be successful in a company you can't have a good work/life balance. When push comes to shove, the company will expect you to choose work over life. If you don't make that choice every time, you won't be the one considered for the big promotion.

I suppose this varies by profession. Some types of jobs, I can see how this would be true, but it is definitely not a universal thing. And I suppose it also depends on ones own definition of success. I feel that I am successful in my job, but I would never be looking for 'the big promotion'.

 

[bicker]

I have a little experience with this. As some folks here know, I used to be an international management specialist, pretty high-up and well-regarded in the discipline. It was a very lucrative career - I was easily earning double what my contemporaries were making, etc. It was also a very grueling career. I was on the road 200+ days a year, and not just that, but a typical week often included work with three or four different companies in three or four different cities. And the work was very high-stress, meeting with CEO after CEO (after rooting around in their company's operations) - every moment you were effectively "on stage".

There was no sense of balance: My wife and I didn't even move into the same home (the same state, even) for three weeks after we got married. I was too busy. Then, we'd spend a few quality hours with each other each week, that's all. I had made a career out of this expertise I had, but it was making me, and my wife, miserable. We decided, together, that I'd done it long enough, and it was time to set the balance back a little closer to center.

I actually started a new career (there's no way to be an international management specialist without traveling ); obviously taking a big big cut in pay; starting as a very well-seasoned, but still pretty-much entry-level employee. etc.

It was absolutely worth it.

But I respect my colleagues who stuck with it. One of the guys who was working for me took over, and has done very well for himself over the years. He's never had a lot of the things that I've had, but in the meantime he's enjoyed lots of things in his life that I'll never have. It's definitely a choice; there is no right or wrong answer.

 

[Caradana]

My job has elements similar to Bicker's past life, and my colleagues and I live with a "to whom much is given, much is rewarded" philosophy. I work about 70-80 HPW while my husband is a full-time graduate student, finishing in December. I have a couple of wonderful summer interns right now and I'm hoping their presence can cut me down to about 60 HPW through September, which for me would feel like the height of luxury after about 8 years of this. I work these hours because I agree to shoulder many simultaneous projects. I have colleagues who say no - I say yes. That's how I'm wired, and I honestly think I'd be a little bored without the work avalanche.

The sacrifices of this lifestyle:
- Time with my husband
- Working out - it just doesn't happen. I work and sleep on weekdays.
- Kids in our 20s (I'm freshly 30), though that probably wouldn't have been in our life plan anyway.
- Cooking. I think I cooked my last meal sometime in 2009
- Seeing friends outside of late-night cocktails.
- Delaying grad school - there's no way I can pull it off simultaneously

The benefits of this lifestyle:
- It's a profession that attracts extremely, vibrantly, sometimes stunningly intelligent colleagues and the work is intellectually difficult: the combination is fun
- For what it's worth to a certain segment of people, and the DIS really doesn't appeal to these people, but for those who do: it's a high-glamour job that opens a lot of doors
- Money, which translates into a lot of different things. This year we picked up a second place in NYC to cut my commute and take in more culture on the weekends. It's been a spectacularly fun addition to our marriage. We also get a lot of exotic travel.
- Flexibility: no one challenges what time I come in and when I leave, and I give my directs a lot of leeway as well

Do I have work-life balance? Not really
Am I overcompensated in other ways, beyond money? Yes

So for now, it's a tradeoff that works for me. I accept it.
With kids - in the future - it'll be a whole different equation, but we're planning for that now. My DH is in grad school to switch careers so he can become a primary parent.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Megs, is your husband a Livonia cop? (Hoping he hasn't pulled me over ) I had no idea they were working that much. Are you guys planning to have kids? What will you do if you have children and are working such unconventional jobs?

My SIL is a nurse, works 12 hour shifts 7pm-7am. She has considered having a child on her own but since her job is a lifestyle too, I just don't see how it could happen. You can't put a kid in daycare 13 hours a day.

No, he's not in Livonia.

About kids, in three years, he'll be at top pay and higher seniority, so he will have a better schedule, and I will switch to part time (6 days a month).

 

[minkydog]

Absolutely you can balance work and family! But you have to be willing to compromise on some things. When my kids were young I was unwilling to work more than 1-2 days a week because I didn't want to use daycare. The consequence was that we didn't have a lot of money and we did without vacations, new clothes, cars, dinners out, and outside entertainment. Now that I'm older and have increasing responsibilities to my disabled husband and son, I realize that I cannot work full time and keep up at home. My first responsibility is to my family, so I had to find a work situation that would fit that, and I did. Now I have the best of both worlds!

 

[arminnie]

However, no matter what your company says about fostering a good work/life balance environment, to be successful you will need to forgo your life when work calls.

Balance to me does not mean that work or family either one always gets priority. It is a balance - sometimes it's work and sometimes it's family.

It also depends on the company. I worked for this hideous company in Dallas (EDS - the company that Ross Perot founded). I got TERRIBLE flack for taking ONE DAY of my vacation (no deadlines or anything like that) to go see my mother when she got diagnosed with breast cancer.

Ten years later when my mother's cancer returned and spread throughout her body I was working for Visa International. My boss was totally supportive and let me telecommute when I wanted to (thousand of miles away) and work any hours that I wanted. Now the decade before I would travel sometimes to places like Australia with a few hours notice - so I think it all evened out.

I was very successful and had an international reputation in my field. I think that was based on ability (okay I'm bragging) not my willingness to sacrifice.

 

[FireDancer]

Just for clarity - I am not talking about Flex-time, snow days, on-sight day care, etc.

I am stating that to be successful in a company you can't have a good work/life balance. When push comes to shove, the company will expect you to choose work over life. If you don't make that choice every time, you won't be the one considered for the big promotion.

I think that depends a lot on your company's culture and also your position. I have a position that requires 24/7 availability (Information Systems Coordinator) but at the same time our company is very good at making sure all employees, even management, have a good separation of work and home life. The inevitable need to be there after hours or over a weekend for an upgrade, cut-over, or unexpected outage of some sort is offset by having a great PTO policy, executives and a board that don't micromanage us or our departments, and working with people who are great at coordinating their PTO so everyone gets the days they want or need.

On the other hand I had the same position at my previous job and while the company was smaller the executives loved to micro-manage everyone which for people in my position meant little control over much of what should be your free time. Had I been able to run my department the way I wanted to instead of the way people who had little understanding of how to manage an I.T. department dictated all of us would have been happier and had a better work/home mix. The turnover at that company was very high in all positions but at my current employer, at least in management, people stay significantly longer.

 

[bumbershoot]

It's all so dependent on the individual/couple/+kids, and the job. And what you're willing to put up with. What the job that you take requires. etc.

I personally couldn't even combine work and my single life, let alone sole proprietorship and my single life. And when it was work, my office, and my single life...ugh. When I closed my office and just went to work, once I met DH, we were working in basically the same job, and it was easier. Balanced. But then he was laid off (the day after he proposed with plans to buy a ring later), and the next job was different.

Better off to be your own boss if you want to balance the work/life parts of your life. I never did take corporate jobs too well...

I've never known a person who works for themselves to have MORE time for their personal lives!

I think there is a good reason why for so many years one spouse worked and one stayed home. That is the only real way to achieve any kids of balance--assuming we are talking about families with kids.

That has been our experience. Between the two of us, we create balance at home. Although DS can't have what he says he wants sometimes (papa at home, me at work), or at least he can't have that and have the same standard of living, it all balances out IMO.

Until this current job of DH's, we shared everything very evenly, even though I am home. But now he interviewed for and took a job that involves quite a bit of travel, and the household stuff is more on me. But overall it's still relatively balanced.

Then again, we are very flexible people. So when they had an emergency and needed someone in Asia quickly, but were trying to wait a few days b/c it was xmas, we volunteered hubby, and he caught a place December 26. MAJOR kudos for that one...no skin off our nose, since we don't even celebrate that day! But it's still considered a sacrifice, and he's looked on more favorably for it.

That could not have happened if I was also working outside the home.


clh2, I hate your company! I hate that they've punished everyone to a huge degree, thanks to some dingbats who probably aren't even there anymore. I hate it for you. And it's a healthcare company that wants their employees to come in when sick???? What about those people who take public transit? They are making others sick by coming in, even if they know that they'll be sent right back home. I really dislike that policy.

There was no sense of balance: My wife and I didn't even move into the same home (the same state, even) for three weeks after we got married. I was too busy. Then, we'd spend a few quality hours with each other each week, that's all. I had made a career out of this expertise I had, but it was making me, and my wife, miserable. We decided, together, that I'd done it long enough, and it was time to set the balance back a little closer to center.

And that's why it's so personal. My brother and sis in law have done that dance since they were married, and it hasn't yet stopped. Brother went off to the AF (he had done ROTC but this was after graduation), I don't know if it's called boot camp or what, but he went off to do that while sis in law set up their new household in a new state where he would be stationed.

Then he left the AF and got a private sector job, right around the time that she figured it was time to get to her law school plans. They moved back to Durham, where law school and company HQ are, and settled in.

Then she was finished with school, got a position in San Diego, and they moved there. She's a 7th year associate now, and she works ALL THE TIME. Brother works hard too, and is on call 24/7, but most of the time he works from home now.

They've been married 16 years now, and thrive on this lifestyle.

The big difference is that they have never ever planned on children, nor wanted them. Heck, until DS was born, they didn't even think they *liked* children. They couldn't have this life if they'd wanted children. Or they would be miserable. Or their children would be. Or they've had gone old school and hired a governess, LOL. (sorry, I'm reading Jane Austen's Emma) But it wouldn't be the same, that's for sure. They only have cats, because dogs would be too needy for their lifestyles. (and for the record they LOVE their lives, they are happy and healthy and fabulous people who love their families, have an open door policy to all, and are generous to family as well!)