Do you ask for things?

[Katy Belle]

Do you ask for things? My mother brought me up to not ask for others things. Rude. That is the message I was given. So I do not.

We saw my SIL last weekend, at a Graduation Party for my DS18. She asked me if we had and could mail her DD8 any of the books our kids have outgrown. Kinda threw me for a loop. I always sell our used books, the ones I can part with, to the used book store. The ones they won't take I usually give to a neighbor. This SIL barely gives gifts for Christmas, sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. They are not poor. Two incomes, free childcare from her parents, her parents feed her kids all 3 meals about 6 days a week. She is not a generous giver, I guess is my point, but she's always asking people for things.

She used to ask for my DSs jeans when they outgrew them. I would give them to her if we happened to be going to visit MIL when I noticed a pair was getting small.

We were at a family dinner once, pot luck. A cousin had brought a LARGE honey baked ham. He had flown in and would be flying home right after the party. She asked him if he could give the leftovers to her mom, his Aunt. He kind of stumbled over his words and told her that he was planning to give it to HIS sisters and his mother. It was very uncomfortable.

So....rude, or ok? Do you ask for others things?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would have no problem with my nieces/nephews benefiting from any used items. Not sure why anyone would.

But, it sounds like this SIL is a 'taker'.

That's a whole different thing.
Several recent threads on BIL/SIL 'takers'.

 

[soccerdad72]

No, we're givers.

 

[Northstar]

Like you, I don't normally ask for things.

But I have friends who do, and they're not takers... they just have a different viewpoint on what it means to ask for a favor.

There are two keys to separating the takers from the give-and-takers:
1. Say, "sorry, no, I had different plans for that" when you're asked for a favor that takes you aback.
See, the takers will push and try to get you to change your answer. The give-and-takers will say, "Oh, I see" and move on, unembarrassed and unfazed. Your refusal wasn't a big deal for them because they don't feel that people are obligated to do favors just because someone asks them to.

2. After you've done a favor for someone who surprised you by asking for it, make a point of asking that person to do you some little favor that normally you wouldn't ask for. Not a big favor, but a little one.
The takers will say "No" and act huffy that you asked them... like you have a nerve asking.
The give-and-takers may say "no" or they may say "yes," but they will act as if it's a totally normal thing for you to ask for a little favor, just as they do. Nice give-and-takers keep a little reciprocity scorecard in their heads. They know you did them a favor, and they want to pay you back. If you never ask for favors, that means they will be eternally in debt to you, and that makes them uncomfortable. Give them a chance to pay you back by asking.

The world is divided into 3 types of people: givers, takers, and give-and-takers. It's good to be a give-and-taker!

 

[ols386]

I think the honey baked ham situation was kinda rude, but the books and jeans, not really. If you used the items and can not or will not be using them in the future, then why not give them to her, if she asks.

If it bothers you when she asks for items, then politely say no.

 

[Laura66]

We tend to be the people that give stuff away! I usually offer - but I'll admit I'd be put off by people asking!
Maybe it's more of how they ask. If someone says something like - If you're not planning on passing down Susie's old jeans keep us in mind. We'd love to have them. Or - if you were going to throw away the leftover ham we would love to take it off your hands for my in-laws.
But that's a big if!
I think some people have easy relationships where the requests and offers are no big deal. And then you have the "takers". And these people are indeed takers. They assume and expect everyone to give them things!

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

No I do not ask ppl for things and someone like you are describing is what we would call a MOOCH. Mooching off other ppl. Always looking for what you can get from ppl.

 

[Katy Belle]

I would have no problem with my nieces/nephews benefiting from any used items. Not sure why anyone would.

But, it sounds like this SIL is a 'taker'.

That's a whole different thing.
Several recent threads on BIL/SIL 'takers'.

I don't have a problem with giving things to my nephew and niece, it just bugs me that their mother ASKS for the things. I know I sound selfish, but its how I feel. If she would have offered to pay for the mailing of the books or even said, "The next time you are visiting" I think I would have felt differently. Also, she said she probably should get DD a library card, but just doesn't want to mess with it. So she's willing to make it inconvenient for me, and even cost me $, but she's not willing to take her DD to the library.

She is definitely a taker. Her mother babysits her children, for free, 4-6 days a week. MIL is going blind. SIL will only drive MIL places when there is something in it for her. So frustrating.

 

[Wendy31]

No, I can't ask for things either.

And, most of the time, even if someone offers w/o my asking, I'm still like, "Oh no, that's okay... I'm fine" or "Are you sure?"

 

[wiigirl]

I don't ask for things. I do give away stuff my girls of out grown though...lol, to anyone who will take them.

 

[joviroxx]

It depends. Between my siblings we do ask and give. WIth 10 kids between us, we are always recycling, passing down between them. I have no issue asking nor being asked. We also borrow A LOT!

Now, I wouldn't just ask joe-shmo. I do offer a lot, but not ask.

I guess it all depends on the type of relationship you have. If it were to benefit my nieces and nephews, I know it wouldn't bother me.

 

[Kae]

It depends. Between my siblings we do ask and give. WIth 10 kids between us, we are always recycling, passing down between them. I have no issue asking nor being asked. We also borrow A LOT!

Now, I wouldn't just ask joe-shmo. I do offer a lot, but not ask.

I guess it all depends on the type of relationship you have. If it were to benefit my nieces and nephews, I know it wouldn't bother me.

Us too. My niece just called me the other day to see if DS had some basketball shorts that he has out grown, she needed extra's for Basketball camp. This spring I called BIL for black dress shoes for DS he needed them for 2 band concerts.

Kae

 

[minkydog]

I have made it known when I need something. When the kids were little and I wasn't working I had friends who willingly shared their kids outgrown clothes. And when christian was young he had a lot of Dr & therapy appts. People asked me what they could do to help and I gladly accepted. I asked every week for childcare for my other 2 kids and my friends were happy to do it. When my life got more under control I gladly returned the favors.

 

[design_mom]

I generally do not ask for stuff either. However, I probably wouldn't have had a problem with someone asking for our outgrown items. (However, I usually just donate mine. I don't sell them. I'd be just as happy to "donate" them to someone I knew rather than strangers.)

However, as a PP mentioned, there is a big difference between the give-and-takers and the just-takers. I am happy to help out a give-and-taker even when I do not often ask for something in return. but when someone is *just* a taker, it gets old really fast!

Kim

 

[sunshinehighway]

I ask certain people (like family) for things and they ask me for things. I don't see it as a big deal. Example, If my aunt mentions a new book she got, I'll ask to borrow it when she's done. Its not a big deal, she does the same if I mention a new book. My family is the type that shares and helps each other so just asking for something isn't viewed as mooching.
Maybe that's how it is in your SIL's family.

 

[BellePrincessBelle]

My closest friends & I have no problem sending out an email if we need something that someone may have(mass email) and doing the same if we have something to pass on. Something like "Hey, does anyway have a pair of size 10 winter boots that they don't need anymore?" or "hey guys, I have a girls mountain bike that so & so outgrew, any takers?".

 

[Irish9697]

I have a cousin that asks constantly and it, honestly, gets old. I posted a picture on Facebook once of how disastrous my daughter's room was and mentioned that it took an entire day to clean it out. I got a text within minutes from my cousin asking if she could have all the clothes we were getting rid of - her daughter is 8, mine is 12. My mom mentioned to my aunt that she'd bought a new dining room area rug...my cousin called her that night asking for the old one. Another Facebook post story...I posted as picture of my daughter's cute new bed and bedding. She's been sleeping on an old day bed/trundle from my childhood and wanted something more grown up. Immediately upon posting the picture, she messaged me and asked if she could have the bed. Keep in mind, this is my childhood bed. *I* hadn't even decided what I was going to do with it yet. She didn't offer to buy it or anything, she asked if she could have it!! I am talking the bed and frame, trundle and frame and 2 twin mattresses. Ultimately, I did decide to give it away so I did ask her if she wanted it, and she asked me if I knew anyone with a truck that could pick it up for her!!

The thing is...I am glad to give stuff to her for her daughter. I think of them first every time, but the fact that she always asks and is taking stuff from people makes me really irritated.

On the other hand, I cleaned out my 13 year old son's closet this past weekend. He recently hit a growth spurt so there was a lot of great stuff in almost new shape like Nike shorts, dry-fit shirts, jeans worn maybe a few times, a Polo swimsuit never worn, Sanuk flip flops worn for a very short time. So, I bundled it up and gave it all to my best friend for her 11 year old son. So, it's not that I mind giving, but it's the approach I think.

 

[shortbun]

Ask and Ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened for you.

I have no trouble asking for what I need and I have no problem with people who ask. I also have no problem saying no to things requested if they are to go somewhere else or I still want them. OP, your SIL sounds really insecure and anxious about having enough. I used to have this little girl on my bus. She was beautiful, well dressed, lived in a very nice neighborhood. One night when she was the last child on my bus, she asked me for food. I said, you will be home in five minutes and you can get a snack. She told me that her parents counted the slices of bread and there would be no food for her when she got home. You never know how people have grown up. Just sayin'.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I guess I was raised differently than the OP, and that is okay.

I was raised to give, ask people if they need something. I wouldn't just give a pile of good clothes to Goodwill without first asking if anyone in my family/friends needs something. I tend to have to buy nice gowns/dresses for work events and these can only be worn once. My sister likes to go places that require dresses and she does a lot of Halloween parties. I just ask her if she needs anything before I get rid of it.

We were also raised to kindly ask for things if we found we were in need, but the giving bits was much more out there than the asking bits.

If you don't ask, you won't get anything and just sit there and stew when you want something.

 

[HelenePA]

There are many many many kids in my neighborhood we all pass around things to each other.. I dont really need to ask for anything because usually its offered to me first.. I do offer to watch kids for free after school since I'm usually the only sahm in our group. Today a friend just messaged me on facebook if I could use size 10-12 boys kids clothes her step son had just grown out of that size and she wants to pass them on.. heck yea! my 8 yr old just moved up to that size shirt and will fit into the shorts next year and what I can't use my best friend can use this year for her 10 yr old..