Do you and your partner have completely different views about money?

[Shelle&Dave]

I've done a search and read a few threads about when you pay your bills and who pays them. My question is how do you even get a system going that works? My Fiance and I have been living together for a year and I've tried a couple of different things. Right now I tell him how much I need out of his check. I pay the bills and make sure he has gas and ciggs for the week. The rest of his check he can spend on whatever he wants. Of course it's gone in 2 days.

We both have quite a few old medical bills and such that we have been ignoring. I know we shouldn't even be taking this trip and I am determined to start paying these off when we get back. No flames on that one please. I have no idea what kind of bills he still owes from his previous marriages ( he's been married twice). He keeps telling me he knows a ton of people that have filed bankruptcy and now have good credit and that is what he wants to do.

Every time I hear him say "I'll just file for bankruptcy" or "Man, I can't wait for this trip to be over so we won't be broke all of the time" I start getting very tense. No, after this trip that money will be paying bills! I don't want to make him sound like a horrible person. He is a wonderful man. This is his major "flaw" and I want to find someway to make us both happy about our money situation.

How did you and your partner find a system that works for you and are you both happy with it?

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I have lived with my BF for about 2 years, been with him for about 3. I worry more about money than he does.

We maintain seperate bank accounts and split the costs of everything that is shared (cable, food, rent, etc.) evenly.

I pay all of my bills at least 2 weeks before they are due. He waits till the last minute. I pay for my stuff. He pays for his stuff. We each take one week of groceries/gas. He pays for the utilities since they were in his name when I moved in and it would be a big hassle to change that and whatever 1/2 of that is, I pay that much extra on the rent. We split the cost of shared big item purchases (vaccum, furniture) evenly. We split the cost of our dogs care and vet bills evenly. We split the car insurance evenly.

I make the car payment. The car is mine and in my name only. He is a driver on it and so he pays 1/2 the insurance and pays for the oil changes etc.

He makes about 5K more a year than I do. We both file single on our taxes and have the same amounts taken out of our checks for 401K etc. yet for some reason, I always wind up with more money left over at the end of a pay period.



I stress way more about money than he does because I hope to someday be able to buy a house. He is happy being a lifetime renter.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Shelle&Dave
Every time I hear him say "I'll just file for bankruptcy" or "Man, I can't wait for this trip to be over so we won't be broke all of the time"

Please don't flame me for this...but IMO, you are probably best keeping a seperate bank account from him, even after you are married. If he manages his money that poorly, than you probably don't want him to have access to yours. I have a friend who is like this with her DH. He spends all his $$ on drinking and stuff and leaves her with all the bills so she cut off his access to the bank account.

Now, my BF had to file for bankrupcy and his credit is slowwwwwly building back up. But saying "I'll just file for bankrupcy" like it's nothing is kind of scary. My BF has told me it was the best thing he ever did for himself, but his debt was business related, not personal. (He opened up a business on personal credit instead of trying for a business loan and the business failed. I give him Kudos for trying and wanting to try again one day).

If your fiance is serious about considering bankrupcy, he should sit down with a GOOD lawyer, and get a free consultation. (just make sure he watches the clock and does not go over the free hour). In some cases, bankrupcy can help and there are different levels of bankrupcy to consider, some of which are less serious than others.

Just remember, a bankrupcy will be on your credit report for a long time.

 

[Desiree]

Chris and I have been together for 4 years now and I do all the bills and everything that entails. We have a joint account and he still has plenty of play money too. Of course, we usually want the same things (going to movies, buying dvds or games). It works for us. If something ever happened to me, I'm not sure if he'd remember to pay our bills!!!

 

[Kimberle]

No, he makes the money, I spend it!!

Seriously, money is the number one "thing" that drives marriages apart. Don't think that just because you are getting married you need to combine all you money at once. You should, however, be in agreement in the big issues, like buying (or not) a home, car payments, paying off debt, etc.

Many people have success with opening a joint account for the household expenses and maintaining seperate accounts for personal spending. (Some split 50/50, some as a purportion of income.)

Suzy Ormond has wonderful books about money management. I'd suggest you (and your financee) read 1 or 2.

Best of luck to you!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If you have a guy that says "he should file for bankruptcy" I suggest that you dig DEEP prior to marriage. That is one of those major red flags things you should get out in the open. Who, what , where, when & why does he owe???? Eyes & ears need to be wide open when it comes to money problems.

I am a SAHM. We have several accounts. My account is to run the house and kids. He pays the bills. We have gotten into trouble before and then I take over. He doesn't want that to happen so he is behaving.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by The Mystery Machine
If you have a guy that says "he should file for bankruptcy" I suggest that you dig DEEP prior to marriage. That is one of those major red flags things you should get out in the open. Who, what , where, when & why does he owe???? Eyes & ears need to be wide open when it comes to money problems.

I hate to say it, but I kind of agree. I found out all the details of my BF's bankrupcy before I moved in with him. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, or that sometimes very costly emergencies happen. (you mentioned medical bills)

But being married twice and now heading for a third time and having big time debt would make me wonder.

 

[Shelle&Dave]

Oh, I totally agree. He knows this will be a long engagement. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but will not jump into a financial mess like that. We will be ordering credit reports so I can assess the "damage" so to speak. I pretty much know what will be on mine.

I guess I'm just wishing he would be more responsible so I wouldn't have to be so responsible. Some days I just want a break from all of the worrying. I'm tired. I know I am somewhat a control freak and I cause some of the stress myself. He says I worry about money too much. My response is always, "Well someone has to!" I've been irritated lately because he keeps mentioning saving for a house after we get back. I want to get our financial situation under control before we take on more debt. I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck and he thinks that is ok. We need to meet in the middle somewhere.

I hope I'm not making things sound worse than they really are. My debt is less than $5,000 all together including my student loans. Most of my college tuition and books I paid for in cash since I was living at home and had very few bills. We own both of our cars and our rent is very cheap. I have a feeling quite a few of his outstanding debts are from 10 years ago with his first wife. Apparently she took his ENTIRE paycheck and left him with about $10 for the week. He's afraid if we sit down and make an actual budget and I make him stick to it then things will end up like that. I don't agree, but I guess I can kind of see where he is coming from.

I am in the process of creating our budget in Excel. It's coming out better than I had hoped and I hope he will be ok with it. He'll have plenty of pocket money. Everytime I whip out an Excel sheet I can see him get visably tense.

Thanks for the responses. I was just curious to see how long it took everyone to come up with a system that works for them. My Mom and her boyfriend have been together for 10 years and they still don't agree on how to pay the bills.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

For us, it was pretty much a system we both agreed on immediately.

As we got new things, such as my car, we decided to keep it even by having me pay the monthly car payment, and him pay for the upkeep. Then we'd split gas/insurance evenly.

I guess I'm just wishing he would be more responsible so I wouldn't have to be so responsible. Some days I just want a break from all of the worrying. I'm tired.

This statement worries me a bit. Please do not take this the wrong way, but my friend always felt like this about her fiance before they got married.

I kept telling her she can not change him and I'll tell you the same thing (as I'd rather have a person mad at me for saying something than see someone get hurt).

HE has to want to become more responsible and he has to act it. Not just say it. My friend refused to listen and insisted he'd "change after the wedding". Well he did not. Then she thought he'd "change after they moved to a new place". Well, he did not. Then they got a pet and she figured that would change him. Again, nope. Can you guess what her next idea is? So help me if they have a child, I may have to distance myself from them , because I can't sit by and watch a child go through this.

My friend is ALWAYS stressed out. Her H spends a very large portion of his paycheck on liquor and leaves her to be the responsible one. I could give you examples of the times when his drinking has cost her a lot of $$ but I won't.

Just remember, HE has to want to change. And if you don't see a change in him, a real change, do not marry him.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

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[katerkat]

I think you should definitely work out the financial issues before you get married! But - it's hard to make someone become responsible with money. I do all the finances, pay every bill, plan all our purchases. DH just tells me what he wants to buy and I tell him when we can afford to buy it. Luckily, I love doing the finances, so it works out well for us.