Do you allow your kids' underage friends to drink at your house?

[Jeafl]

We will be having kind of a tricky situation here this weekend. We are having a combination high school/college graduation party for my two kids. Family, as well as a LOT of their friends, are invited.

My daughter's friends are all over 21, so no problem there. However, most of my son's friends are 18. Unfortunately we have had some first hand experience with underage drinking. When my daughter was a junior in high school her then boyfriend (who was not drinking) got a ride home from a party by his brother who had been drinking. They got in an accident and my daughter's boyfriend was killed. That tragedy sent a pretty strong message to us, to say the least, especially since the adult who had given the liquor to the brother was prosecuted and his life was ruined.

In any case, there will be liquor at the party for all the adults. How do we keep an eye on all the recent high school grads, and gracefully let the underage kids know that we can't allow them to drink? Obviously, we worry about ALL the kids drinking and driving, but we are especially concerned about being responsible for anyone underage.

How would you handle this situation??

 

[rchristiansen]

It may be best to keep the party dry.

 

[Darcy03231]

We will be having kind of a tricky situation here this weekend. We are having a combination high school/college graduation party for my two kids. Family, as well as a LOT of their friends, are invited.

My daughter's friends are all over 21, so no problem there. However, most of my son's friends are 18. Unfortunately we have had some first hand experience with underage drinking. When my daughter was a junior in high school her then boyfriend (who was not drinking) got a ride home from a party by his brother who had been drinking. They got in an accident and my daughter's boyfriend was killed. That tragedy sent a pretty strong message to us, to say the least, especially since the adult who had given the liquor to the brother was prosecuted and his life was ruined.

In any case, there will be liquor at the party for all the adults. How do we keep an eye on all the recent high school grads, and gracefully let the underage kids know that we can't allow them to drink? Obviously, we worry about ALL the kids drinking and driving, but we are especially concerned about being responsible for anyone underage.

How would you handle this situation??

I don't see any way to be able to completely monitor the situation, so I would have the party without serving any alcohol.

 

[dodukes]

You could also have one giant sleepover or hire a bartender.

 

[DWGal210]

My first thought is to have a dry party.

But then I think - why can't the 18 year olds abide by the rules you set and not drink? Make it crystal clear to them that you won't tolerate it. Do they usually drink @ parties & so this would be out of the ordinary for them?

 

[golfgal]

How are you serving the alcohol? Are you having a keg or what? I would keep the alcohol in one area and have a TRUSTED adult dispense the drinks. When in doubt that adult could card anyone. That won't really stop someone from giving a kid a drink in the back yard but it should cut down on the possibility. Like other's have said though, the only way to really stop this is to not have it there to start.

Kind of gruesome but what about a memorial picture of the boyfriend that was killed near the keg?

 

[DWGal210]

To add: what I'm trying to say is why "penalize" the of age people? For me, not having drinks wouldn't ruin a party but it would seem odd that it was b/c minors were there.

But perhaps it's different as it's a graduation party. I can see that.

 

[tlbwriter]

When my daughter was a junior in high school her then boyfriend (who was not drinking) got a ride home from a party by his brother who had been drinking. They got in an accident and my daughter's boyfriend was killed. That tragedy sent a pretty strong message to us, to say the least, especially since the adult who had given the liquor to the brother was prosecuted and his life was ruined.

Hmmm. To me, the adult's life being ruined would have been "incidentally," and not "especially," compared to the boy who lost his life.

In any case, there will be liquor at the party for all the adults. How do we keep an eye on all the recent high school grads, and gracefully let the underage kids know that we can't allow them to drink?

Put a sign on the door saying "Alcohol will not be provided to minors." Put one person in charge of the drinks. Have different colored glasses for alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks so the older kids aren't getting drinks for their younger friends. But even then, if the younger guests want to drink, they will probably find a way to do it. It would be safest to not serve alcohol at all.

 

[Praying Colonel]

IMHO, the mix of ages creates a problem, as does the fact that several of the ones who are "legal" are barely so, and so may be inclined to overindulgence (accidental or otherwise).

Me, I wouldn't serve alcohol, period. The world will probably keep spinning somehow if the party is dry.

 

[minniebeth]

That's a pretty tricky situation~ not sure the kids would like it, but perhaps "wristband" the 21 year olds like they do at bars, etc. and if any adults see a non-wristbanded person drinking, to say something. And have someone bartending giving alcohol only to those of legal age (indicated by the wristband).

What a tragic situation it is about your DD's boyfriend~

I don't know what the laws are where you live, but here we have hosting laws~ the hosts are accountable for any underage drinking, whether the hosts are aware of it or not. Too much of a liability for me personally to take the risk, so I wish you best of luck with your situation.

Congratulations to your graduates~

 

[JLTraveling]

I've done a lot of theater, always in mixed groups of kids and adults. Liability was always handled by the homeowners taking a few steps:

1) Make the party BYOB. Obviously everyone ends up sharing everything anyway, but you're not "providing" the alcohol, even if you open up what you have.

2) Make some sort of announcement at the beginning: The legal drinking age is 21 and we will not serve anyone who is underage. We are also not equipped to police the event, and if you tell us you are 21, then you are responsible for yourself.

3) Take keys. No one, overage or underage, has any business getting on the road drunk. If the overage people drink responsibly and are not obviously drunk, give their keys back when they're ready to leave. If the underage people are at all questionable, make them spend the night.

4) I'm not a lawyer, but from what I understand, 18 is legally different than under 18. If anything were to happen, and adult witnesses were willing to back up that you gave the 18-20 crowd explicit instructions not to drink, the courts will tend to look at it as the legal adult but underage drinker's personal responsibility for breaking the law.

Hope this helps, and good luck with your party!

 

[Jeafl]

My first thought is to have a dry party.

But then I think - why can't the 18 year olds abide by the rules you set and not drink? Make it crystal clear to them that you won't tolerate it. Do they usually drink @ parties & so this would be out of the ordinary for them?

I guess I am torn because there will be a lot of adults there who would like a beer, or a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It will be a warm day, and mostly in the backyard.

To be honest, most of my son's friends are really into sports, and are great kids who don't drink (that I am aware of). I am not naive though, and some of them may be tempted to have a beer or two if it was available to them.

We are not planning on a keg, we bought bottles and are putting them in coolers. I can just picture my husband standing over the coolers like a Nazi asking kids for ID's. I'm just trying to figure out a way around that.

 

[eliza61]

This was just on our local news. In NJ the party host can be held legally responsible if an underage party attendee drinks. I caught the end of the segment so I'm not sure if they had a particular situation.

Anyhoo,
For my oldest we had a backyard barbeque the Saturday after the graduation for friends and family. It was a dry event.

On graduation night we had a small party for family only and hired a bartender who carded any young person (and those who looked young. lol)

I'd skip the alcohol.

 

[Jeafl]

Hmmm. To me, the adult's life being ruined would have been "incidentally," and not "especially," compared to the boy who lost his life.

Put a sign on the door saying "Alcohol will not be provided to minors." Put one person in charge of the drinks. Have different colored glasses for alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks so the older kids aren't getting drinks for their younger friends. But even then, if the younger guests want to drink, they will probably find a way to do it. It would be safest to not serve alcohol at all.

You're right, "incidentally" would have been a better word choice. I will never forget my daughter's boyfriend's mom's face at her son's wake and funeral. As far as I am concerned, the man who served the alcohol got what he deserved and more.

 

[DWGal210]

I like the suggestion of the PP about BYOB.

OR: maybe in a non obvious way, you can speak privately with the adults & ask them to keep a lookout. If they know it's a HS kid & they see them with a drink, deal with it at that time.

I guess I am torn because there will be a lot of adults there who would like a beer, or a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It will be a warm day, and mostly in the backyard.

To be honest, most of my son's friends are really into sports, and are great kids who don't drink (that I am aware of). I am not naive though, and some of them may be tempted to have a beer or two if it was available to them.

We are not planning on a keg, we bought bottles and are putting them in coolers. I can just picture my husband standing over the coolers like a Nazi asking kids for ID's. I'm just trying to figure out a way around that.

 

[tlbwriter]

I guess I am torn because there will be a lot of adults there who would like a beer, or a Mike's Hard Lemonade.

What if your only alcoholic drinks were beer and Mike's, and all of your non-alcoholic drinks were cola, water, lemon-lime, and/or pink lemonade? And were served in clear cups? That way, it would be obvious that anything yellow or amber was alcoholic.

 

[DMass]

IMHO, the mix of ages creates a problem, as does the fact that several of the ones who are "legal" are barely so. Me, I wouldn't serve alcohol, period.

I agree with this. Keep it dry because the minors will find a way to get to the alcohol.

 

[golfgal]

I guess I am torn because there will be a lot of adults there who would like a beer, or a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It will be a warm day, and mostly in the backyard.

To be honest, most of my son's friends are really into sports, and are great kids who don't drink (that I am aware of). I am not naive though, and some of them may be tempted to have a beer or two if it was available to them.

We are not planning on a keg, we bought bottles and are putting them in coolers. I can just picture my husband standing over the coolers like a Nazi asking kids for ID's. I'm just trying to figure out a way around that.

It's easier if you DON'T have a keg. Since you have a good idea who the high school kids are and who the college kids are, spotting a high school kid with a bottle of beer is easier. Put a sign on the cooler that says, "are you 21....Big Brother is Watching" (or the name of the athletic director or the track coach. In our state the kids can lose their athletic eligibility for getting caught drinking-maybe that will work to deter the kids?

 

[dzorn]

Yes they can have all the chocolate milk and kool-aid they want.

Denise in MI

Please note we are still in the pre-teen years, and I am not looking forward to them growing up.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

No, and in my state, you can be charged for allowing this type of behavior.

http://criminal.lawyers.com/Criminal-Law-Basics/Parents-Responsibility-for-Underage-Drinking.html