Do you allow your kids' underage friends to drink at your house?

[luvmy3]

No not at all but even the most responsible, level headed teen has been known to do an act of stupidity every once in a while. I love to think that my son (17) is a mature, level headed adult but the fact of the matter he often does things that make me shake my head. and I know for a fact because I'm the advisor who has to sit in the office when the "oh so responsible college student" gets rip roaring drunk after a eagles game.

So yeah, go to any college campus and you will see more than enough proof to realize that yes they do some how lose their commons sense.

So since I can't control what any teen may or maynot decide to do at any particular moment, it's simply easier for me not to have alcohol at a party.

I'd be more concerned with the 40 year old adult who can't come to a barbeque and not survive without a beer for 6 hours.

I guess thats the difference, you have the opinion that the OPs party is like some party on a College campus, and I have the opinion that its a backyard BBQ where alcohol is served. The first example, a party TO get drunk at, and the latter, just a party, where even a college kid could control themself in the face of a cooler full of Mike's.

 

[FINFAN]

MTE! What do people think when a teen sees alcohol, that they suddenly become unable to control their urges and have to find a way to sneak it?

99% can be responsible, it's the 1 kid who is tempted...(even if he/she is turnig 21 the next day) that breaks the rules that Jill may have to deal with. Jill, what do your kids think about all this? Do they have any input as to how others have dealt with it? They sound responsible, and that's where it stinks, that they get penalized for what others have done. The other issue is kids coming to the party who may have already been drinking at another one..even tho they may not have had a sip at yours, now how do you prove they didn't if you have alcohol availabel at your house? Sorry for the stress, it is the last thing you need when planning a party, and no one wants to scare you, but bottom line it is a risk to serve aclohol...good point about the unbrella coverage. In Naperville it is a crime how the cops ticket these situations, knowing it comes with a $2000 attorney fee to fight it. My DD actually asked me to attend one friends party with her (we knew the family, but had a schedule conflict) because she knew they were going to have beer etc, there, and she was afraid if the cops came, she would be arrested for attending the party even tho she was not drinking. If I was there as her parent it would not be an issue. How sad is it that she had to make that choice?It has happened here tho, that exact scenario, where kids not even drinking but in the home at the time, were ticketed and need an attorney to fight the ticket. So even if say, one kid under 21 shows up to be the designated driver, just by setting foot into the home to get their passenger puts them at risk. What a money maker.

 

[eliza61]

I guess thats the difference, you have the opinion that the OPs party is like some party on a College campus, and I have the opinion that its a backyard BBQ where alcohol is served. The first example, a party TO get drunk at, and the latter, just a party, where even a college kid could control themself in the face of a cooler full of Mike's.

No, what I'm saying is that teens/young adults are prone to irresponsible behaviour and since statistically that has been pretty much proven and since that's pretty much the reason we have "underage drinking laws" in the first place, my opinion would be a dry party would remove all doubt.

Op, is concerned about the ramifications of serving alcohol where teens are going to be hanging out and control of the liquor may be difficult.

In NJ with all the legal ramifications, all that is needed is one kid to have an incident. so here in this state the consequences would be the same, whether or not it was a backyard barbeque or a keg party wouldn't matter. There are some issues around whether the parents "allow" the kids to drink or if the kids drink without the homeowner knowing.

but here's a general link to a few states stance.

But new social host liability laws in States across the country are changing parents’ minds as the responsibility for underage drinking moves from teens who consume alcohol to parents who provide it to teens. Under these laws, adults who serve or supply alcohol to persons under the age of 21 can be held liable if any of those underage persons are killed or injured. Adults also can be held responsible if teens who drink at their homes kill or injure another person. The laws vary from State to State, but parents who break these laws could be charged for medical bills and property damage and could be sued for emotional pain and suffering.

In addition to lawsuits, parents in an increasing number of States, including Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Texas, may find themselves subject to criminal prosecution for underage drinking by their teens and their teen’s friends. In one case, a Pennsylvania parent was sentenced to a 1- to 4.5-year prison term for involuntary manslaughter after three teens died in a drunk-driving accident following a party the parent hosted.

Parents may be held responsible even if they’re not home when underage drinking occurs. They also may be held responsible if underage drinking takes place anywhere on their property. Social host liability laws often extend to parents who fail to take sufficient measures to prevent underage drinking in their homes.

I'm willing to bet if you asked all these parents who are being prosecuted "are their kids responsible"? you'd have gotten a resounding Yes.

 

[eeyoremum]

I would/have allowed drinking at a party. Many of my child's friends parents do. I would rather have the kids at my house drinking responsibly then going to a bush party and drinking goodness knows what.

This is what happens at these parties. The parents drive the kids they DO NOT drive themselves. The host family provides the drinks (usually beer) AND doles out the drinks. The drinks stay with the parents the kids have to ask for them. TWO beer limit. Parents pick the kids up.

I am actually a very strict parent about most things. I run my house kind of like a dictatorship but I am not stupid either. It works well for the group my child hangs with. All the parents are on board and have the same ground rules. They really are a good group of kids.

 

[tlbwriter]

We all know some 18 year olds like that, heck I know 30 year olds like that.

The difference between an 18 yr old getting drunk at my party and a 30 yr old getting drunk at my party is, legally, HUGE.

It still doesn't change my opinion, it is possible to serve alcohol where a group of 18 year olds will be and it not turn out like a secret kegger in the woods. I put more faith in the people my kid's call friends, and if I didn't they wouldn't be allowed to come to the party in the first place.

Oh, so you're one of those parents who thinks you know everything there is to know about your kids' friends. Good luck with that.

 

[ols386]

We all know some 18 year olds like that, heck I know 30 year olds like that. It still doesn't change my opinion, it is possible to serve alcohol where a group of 18 year olds will be and it not turn out like a secret kegger in the woods. I put more faith in the people my kid's call friends, and if I didn't they wouldn't be allowed to come to the party in the first place.

For me personally, if I'm having a party at my house, and a large part of the attendees are under age, and they are there without their parents, then I don't want to be the one responsible IF something happens and maybe even just one of them does consume alcohol, leaves, drives away in their car, and THEN is involved in a traffic accident.

In that case, if alcohol is suspected, and it's determined that the under age kid had been drinking (at my house), you can bet the police will be knocking at my front door. And even worse, there is always the risk that the kid (and others) may be seriously injured or even killed in the accident

I think many 18-year-olds are very mature and responsible, but that doesn't mean that they can't be tempted, and have a weak moment when they do something stupid.

If I'm hosting a large party, I can't constantly monitor what everyone (including the under age kids) are doing. I just wouldn't want to take the chance that something might happen.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I guess thats the difference, you have the opinion that the OPs party is like some party on a College campus, and I have the opinion that its a backyard BBQ where alcohol is served. The first example, a party TO get drunk at, and the latter, just a party, where even a college kid could control themself in the face of a cooler full of Mike's.

It is a bit more than a backyard bbq as it is an OPEN HOUSE which means people will be coming and going throughout the times of the party. Some will stay the whole time, some an hour or two, some 15 minutes.

She has invited family, friends, and neighbors. The kids have then invited their friends. So, people will be in and out; they won't be coming and staying.

I don't think most of us are saying that the teens can't control themselves around liquor, that they will see the liquor and go crazy. It is just when there is a party involving coming and going, rather than a controlled set-length, everyone stays party, that a situation could occur where someone does drink alcohol. It could be tempting for a teen, even teens who would not do this in normal circumstances. Is it worth the risk? Only OP can decide.

She may have her party with alcohol and have no problems; she could have her party and have a teenage drink, drive, and get into trouble.

We debated about alcohol for adults at our party and decided against it as we didn't want to accept the risk to us if a teen did drink, drive and get into trouble. So we served pop, water, lemonade. Noone complained--everyone had a good time--and it was a very warm afternoon.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

The OP can do whatever she wants, but my 18yo daughter (graduated last year) would openly admit that she could get and many friends did get a drink at graduation parties. Yes even the open house type. And actually open house is the WORST type if you ask my daughter. So easy to snag a few drinks, leave the house, take a ride, open up the alcohol, get stopped by the police, ask where did you get the alcohol, Mrs. Jill's house, police go to Mrs. Jill's house, ask if so and so where there, ask what alcohol is being served, and Mrs. Jill gets to spend the night at the police station.

I am not sure what I would do in this situation though. My DD will not even be 21 when most of her friends graduate from college and she was 17 when she graduated H.S.! My DD drinks alcohol. She dorms and trust me she doesn't hide it. Most kids now a days don't hide it, and while they may only be the one or two drink kids, that is one or two drinks above the law.

No one here posting most likely made the laws, but they are what they are. It comes down to what the OP feels comfortable about doing. Is she willing to take the risk? She asked, and my reply is I would not take the risk, that is why we have our parties at an off-site, catered.

 

[LisaR]

I am not naming names or anything but when "a friend" did that when we were younger, there was no indulging at family parties. It was saved for get togethers with peers.

At least that's what I heard.

This is what I am thinking. At that age, my friends and I may have engaged in some underage drinking but we weren't stupid enough to get hammered in front of a bunch of parents.

I think there is a lot of worrying about nothing. Assuming these are reasonably behaved teens and there will be responsible adults around, I can't imagine there will be any issues. Keep an eye open and tell the other adults to do the same. Tell your son the rules in advance and put a sign on the coolers. Have a great time!

 

[luvmy3]

The difference between an 18 yr old getting drunk at my party and a 30 yr old getting drunk at my party is, legally, HUGE.



Oh, so you're one of those parents who thinks you know everything there is to know about your kids' friends. Good luck with that.

Um, did you bother to read what you responded to? Here it is again, I'll bold what you clearly missed:

It still doesn't change my opinion, it is possible to serve alcohol where a group of 18 year olds will be and it not turn out like a secret kegger in the woods. I put more faith in the people my kid's call friends, and if I didn't they wouldn't be allowed to come to the party in the first place.

Doesn't sound like I said I'll know everything there is to know it sounds like I said If I didn't know (or have that faith that I did) then they wouldn't be invited

 

[tlbwriter]

Doesn't sound like I said I'll know everything there is to know it sounds like I said If I didn't know then they wouldn't be invited

Right. So you obviously think you know everything about at least some of your kids' friends. And there's a really good chance you're wrong.

 

[golfgal]

I am hoping you are right. I have to say, my son's friends are all very respectful and polite when they come over, and are basically great kids. I HOPE they respect the rules because some of you guys are scaring the crap out of me!

I think that if it is out of character for the kids to do this you won't have a problem.

This is what I am thinking. At that age, my friends and I may have engaged in some underage drinking but we weren't stupid enough to get hammered in front of a bunch of parents.

I think there is a lot of worrying about nothing. Assuming these are reasonably behaved teens and there will be responsible adults around, I can't imagine there will be any issues. Keep an eye open and tell the other adults to do the same. Tell your son the rules in advance and put a sign on the coolers. Have a great time!

Give the kids some credit, most of them are not totally stupid.

Over the past 20 years of going to grad parties (heck, even before that going to grad parties for my high school friends) I have NEVER seen a party where kids were offered, let alone snuck, alcohol.

 

[Bearvet]

We are in the same situation - DS18's High School graduation party is Sat and DS22 and some of his friends will be here. We will have a cooler of beer and hard lemonade and put a sign on it for over 21 only. There are enough adults who will be at the party who know the high school students and will notice if they have a beer.

The kids are pitching tents and sleeping over - when DH and I go up to bed, any remaining alcohol will be locked up with us. We will talk to DS22 to make sure he knows he doesn't give alcohol to anyone under 21! If the high school crowd has alcohol during the night, it wasn't provided by us. We will not take car keys since that means you know that underage drinking is going on.

DS18 and his friends are all athletes and I am confident that they won't drink. However, it's the tag-along friends that concern me. I'm a bit nervous, but DS18 knows to come and get us if things get out of control. A boy in the next town recently died from alcohol poisoning so it's still fresh in their minds.

 

[luvmy3]

It is a bit more than a backyard bbq as it is an OPEN HOUSE which means people will be coming and going throughout the times of the party. Some will stay the whole time, some an hour or two, some 15 minutes.

She has invited family, friends, and neighbors. The kids have then invited their friends. So, people will be in and out; they won't be coming and staying.

I don't think most of us are saying that the teens can't control themselves around liquor, that they will see the liquor and go crazy. It is just when there is a party involving coming and going, rather than a controlled set-length, everyone stays party, that a situation could occur where someone does drink alcohol. It could be tempting for a teen, even teens who would not do this in normal circumstances. Is it worth the risk? Only OP can decide.

She may have her party with alcohol and have no problems; she could have her party and have a teenage drink, drive, and get into trouble.

We debated about alcohol for adults at our party and decided against it as we didn't want to accept the risk to us if a teen did drink, drive and get into trouble. So we served pop, water, lemonade. Noone complained--everyone had a good time--and it was a very warm afternoon.

And thats great, the OP asked what we would do, and we are all sharing what we would, and why.

 

[ols386]

This is what I am thinking. At that age, my friends and I may have engaged in some underage drinking but we weren't stupid enough to get hammered in front of a bunch of parents.
I think there is a lot of worrying about nothing. Assuming these are reasonably behaved teens and there will be responsible adults around, I can't imagine there will be any issues. Keep an eye open and tell the other adults to do the same. Tell your son the rules in advance and put a sign on the coolers. Have a great time!

They don't have to get "hammered". All it might take is for some kid to have even just one or two drinks, drive away in their car, and be involved in an accident, or be pulled over by the police, for whatever reason.

If you have just recently consumed alcohol, it is fairly easy to smell when you are talking face to face with someone...as in face to face with the cop who pulls the kid over.

And then you've got the police at your front door asking why you served alcohol to a minor.

If there are a lot of people coming and going to this open house/party, the op can't possibly be expected to keep track of what everyone is doing.

 

[golfgal]

I would/have allowed drinking at a party. Many of my child's friends parents do. I would rather have the kids at my house drinking responsibly then going to a bush party and drinking goodness knows what.

This is what happens at these parties. The parents drive the kids they DO NOT drive themselves. The host family provides the drinks (usually beer) AND doles out the drinks. The drinks stay with the parents the kids have to ask for them. TWO beer limit. Parents pick the kids up.

I am actually a very strict parent about most things. I run my house kind of like a dictatorship but I am not stupid either. It works well for the group my child hangs with. All the parents are on board and have the same ground rules. They really are a good group of kids.

What is the legal drinking age in your Provence though. Is it 18? Here it is 21.

 

[luvmy3]

Right. So you obviously think you know everything about at least some of your kids' friends. And there's a really good chance you're wrong.

While you may be the kind of parent who doesn't know anything about your own kid's friends, don't assume the rest of us don't have a different relationship with our kids, their friends, and even their friends parents.
Instead of attacking other's for what you may find wrong in yourself, maybe you should take lessons from us.

Oh, and you'll waste your time with a response since you are officially a membe of my ignore list now.

 

[Jeafl]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what type of party the OP was planning on having - was this a party for family, friends and relatives? Or was it a party the kids were having? - I guess the difference being the first one would have a sprinkling of close friends but it was mainly family and adults or a party where it was mainly the kids and a few adults????

I guess thats the difference, you have the opinion that the OPs party is like some party on a College campus, and I have the opinion that its a backyard BBQ where alcohol is served. The first example, a party TO get drunk at, and the latter, just a party, where even a college kid could control themself in the face of a cooler full of Mike's.

Just to clarify, the party is primarily a family party. Most of the people coming are aunts, uncles and cousins. A backyard BBQ is pretty much what we have planned. However, both kids have invited friends to join us as well. It's definitely not a "kegger" type of party, which is why I am hoping that the kids see all the adults there and rightfully assume that it is not the place to sneak a few beers.

You all have definitely given me a lot to think about!

 

[ols386]

Just to clarify, the party is primarily a family party. Most of the people coming are aunts, uncles and cousins. A backyard BBQ is pretty much what we have planned. However, both kids have invited friends to join us as well. It's definitely not a "kegger" type of party, which is why I am hoping that the kids see all the adults there and rightfully assume that it is not the place to sneak a few beers.

You all have definitely given me a lot to think about!

I hope your open house turns out great!!

 

[eeyoremum]

What is the legal drinking age in your Provence though. Is it 18? Here it is 21.

Drinking age in Canada is 19. Also, to buy beer, liquor you need to go to a beer or liquor store. Which are government owned and operated. Not as easy here to buy as in the US. Also, much more expensive.