Do stepchildren almost always feel slighted

[Katy Belle]

Not sure it has as much to do with step parents as it does with just divorce in general. DS has a friend whose parents divorced 2 yrs ago. She was 16 and her sister was 11. She is having a horrible time. Feels like little sister is loved by Dad and she's not. Feels like little sister is loved by Dad's new girlfriend and she is not. Feels a lot of responsibility around Mom's house to help with little sister and everything in general. Feels Dad is spending $ on girlfriend and new wife, all the while telling her there is no money for gas money, etc.

Its tough. Divorce it tough. Yes, kids feel slighted, unimportant, used, etc. I know we are only seeing the side of the story through the eyes of this hurt young lady. I know her father would paint a different picture. I think the age she was at the time of divorce had an impact. But it has had a big impact. So sad.

 

[punkin]

I just wanted to say and had a wonderful stepfather who loved me to distraction so I am not against step parents in general. However, I have seen some nasty step-parent behavior in my extended family. I'm not going to talk about the one who is downright abusive. I will discuss one who is just not nice:

My FIL has a GF of many years who hates his children. When my DH walks into a room, she walks out. The fact that she favors her own grand children doesn't bother me much, but she is downright nasty to my nephews. She treats my girls much better, but only because she happens to like me. She's a horrible woman but FIL doesn't see it.

 

[ronandannette]

Divorce is not good for children. Having children with somebody you don't really love and are not committed to is an epidemic that really destroys those children. And marrying and starting "new" families doesn't always help the family.

Step children almost always get slighted.

Abandonment or not I think this is a divorced parents issue. .

People make whatever choices they make based on their own situations but looking "big picture" at the results it's hard to disagree with the statements above. I suppose perspective matters too; I recently participated in a thread by an OP who's DH had been contacted by a 1/2 sib that had been abandoned by their "common" father...OP talked about how THANKFUL they were that the sp**m donor had dumped his first family for her DH's mother, produced him and provided for the "warm and wonderful" life they all had now...I was appalled, but I digress...

There's lots of versions of the "step" story - ours started with DH and his first wife divorcing when their children were tiny. I'm realistic enough to know I don't have both sides, but the fact that their mother re-married 5 weeks after the decree was final must be indiciative of something. This was 28 years ago; before custody and support arrangements were what they are today. Basically mothers controlled kids (especially little ones). Their mother proceeded to build a life with her new DH as if he was their father and simply isolated them from DH and his side of the family like they never happened.

Fast-forward 12 years to the point where DD's were able to request contact on their own (which their mother deeply resented but couldn't really prevent); this is where I came onto the scene. DH had been basically single all that time and was just re-establishing his relationship with them as we courted and married. They were adolescent girls then and it was difficult on every level. Gut honest? They were never MY/OUR children nor could our relationship ever be like that. They also "couldn't put the horse back in the barn" and reclaim all the lost opportunities of the "little kid" years with Daddy, and their pain in this became apparent as the DS we had together went through each of those stages. Were they resentful? Most definitely, but we all did the best we could at each moment to develop the most loving relationships possible between all of us in the context.

We are well on the other side of this now as both of DH's girls are in their 30's with families if their own (6 grand kids altogether) and DS will be 17 soon. We are all "family" but a far different one than they would have had if their parents had not broken up. They have emotional scars no child should ever have to carry, and no more so than my DH after having been deprived of his children. If he had it to do over, knowing what he knows now, he would have fought TOOTH and NAIL to keep that marriage together and he and I have always agreed that H**L will freeze over before we'd ever put DS through anything similar. Divorce is not good for children.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

Divorce is not good for children.

I agree with everything you wrote.

And let's face it, if your spouse is a jerk, absent, a bad person, abusive, etc., more than likely they were that way prior to marrying them.

I want to shout to some people: Stop! Look at that person and know they will never change. Don't have a baby with that person.

I look at my friends who marry total jerks and then have children with these people. It hurts my brain. My gosh! DON'T they hear how this person speaks to them? DON'T they care that this person is just awful? WHY are they bringing babies into this world with these people?

Then, they realize their mate is not going to change. They get divorces and BAM! The kids suffer.

 

[zoemurr]

People make whatever choices they make based on their own situations but looking "big picture" at the results it's hard to disagree with the statements above. I suppose perspective matters too; I recently participated in a thread by an OP who's DH had been contacted by a 1/2 sib that had been abandoned by their "common" father...OP talked about how THANKFUL they were that the sp**m donor had dumped his first family for her DH's mother, produced him and provided for the "warm and wonderful" life they all had now...I was appalled, but I digress...

There's lots of versions of the "step" story - ours started with DH and his first wife divorcing when their children were tiny. I'm realistic enough to know I don't have both sides, but the fact that their mother re-married 5 weeks after the decree was final must be indiciative of something. This was 28 years ago; before custody and support arrangements were what they are today. Basically mothers controlled kids (especially little ones). Their mother proceeded to build a life with her new DH as if he was their father and simply isolated them from DH and his side of the family like they never happened.

Fast-forward 12 years to the point where DD's were able to request contact on their own (which their mother deeply resented but couldn't really prevent); this is where I came onto the scene. DH had been basically single all that time and was just re-establishing his relationship with them as we courted and married. They were adolescent girls then and it was difficult on every level. Gut honest? They were never MY/OUR children nor could our relationship ever be like that. They also "couldn't put the horse back in the barn" and reclaim all the lost opportunities of the "little kid" years with Daddy, and their pain in this became apparent as the DS we had together went through each of those stages. Were they resentful? Most definitely, but we all did the best we could at each moment to develop the most loving relationships possible between all of us in the context.

We are well on the other side of this now as both of DH's girls are in their 30's with families if their own (6 grand kids altogether) and DS will be 17 soon. We are all "family" but a far different one than they would have had if their parents had not broken up. They have emotional scars no child should ever have to carry, and no more so than my DH after having been deprived of his children. If he had it to do over, knowing what he knows now, he would have fought TOOTH and NAIL to keep that marriage together and he and I have always agreed that H**L will freeze over before we'd ever put DS through anything similar. Divorce is not good for children.

didn't he fight when they were little to make sure he still had a relationship with them? It sounds like he gave up too. It's nice that he was able to reconnect after they reached out.

As to the PP who asked if kids resent the parent that they stayed with. Yes, in my case I resented her too for asking my father to leave. I also sure didn't like it when she re-married and I was thrown into a new house with 4 more kids. But, years have passed and she has always stood by me and we have a great relationship now. I was always first in her life. This is very different from my father who got a new family and never had time for me again.

 

[ronandannette]

I agree with everything you wrote.

And let's face it, if your spouse is a jerk, absent, a bad person, abusive, etc., more than likely they were that way prior to marrying them.

I want to shout to some people: Stop! Look at that person and know they will never change. Don't have a baby with that person.

I look at my friends who marry total jerks and then have children with these people. It hurts my brain. My gosh! DON'T they hear how this person speaks to them? DON'T they care that this person is just awful? WHY are they bringing babies into this world with these people?

Then, they realize their mate is not going to change. They get divorces and BAM! The kids suffer.

So true...bad person=good parent NOT!! Do the math people.

 

[ten6mom]

Sometimes even after 6 years dating you find out things about a person that you never knew. Sometimes by the time you find out, it is too late and you already have kids. It is not always foreseeable and I would never hurt my kids purposely but I did get a divorce and although I feel guilty about it, the problems in my marriage were not something I knew about beforehand. It happens.

 

[ronandannette]

didn't he fight when they were little to make sure he still had a relationship with them? It sounds like he gave up too. It's nice that he was able to reconnect after they reached out.

As to the PP who asked if kids resent the parent that they stayed with. Yes, in my case I resented her too for asking my father to leave. I also sure didn't like it when she re-married and I was thrown into a new house with 4 more kids. But, years have passed and she has always stood by me and we have a great relationship now. I was always first in her life. This is very different from my father who got a new family and never had time for me again.

Bluntly put...yes, he gave up. He really wasn't aware what the other options were and didn't have the means to find out. In those days custody arrangements were very much by rote and long, protracted court battles were for the wealthy and powerful. Custodial parents (almost always moms) called the shots - family law is so very different now. DH understands his failure; he would go back and change it if he could.

 

[RadioNate]

I agree with everything you wrote.

And let's face it, if your spouse is a jerk, absent, a bad person, abusive, etc., more than likely they were that way prior to marrying them.

I want to shout to some people: Stop! Look at that person and know they will never change. Don't have a baby with that person.

I look at my friends who marry total jerks and then have children with these people. It hurts my brain. My gosh! DON'T they hear how this person speaks to them? DON'T they care that this person is just awful? WHY are they bringing babies into this world with these people?

Then, they realize their mate is not going to change. They get divorces and BAM! The kids suffer.

But this is such a simplistic view. When I got married no one would have guess my now ex-H would be the guy he became.

He was great. He just decided 10 years & two kids too late that he wasn't cut out to be a "family guy." He tried. But unfortunately until he was in it he didn't know that.

When we were dating he coached little league, adored his sister (who was 8) wanted very much to be a husband & father.

10+ years later his priorities changed. His career became far more important & to be 'the best' and commit to that he couldn't commit to a family.

He had changed. It is horribly sad. As a child of divorce I never wanted that for my children. If I had any indication I wouldn't have married him or had kids with him. But I didn't. He shocked everyone with his admission of unhappiness.

It is SO easy to say what you wouldn't do but the world isn't so black & white. I wish that things had happened differently but they didn't. So I clean up the pieces.

 

[aprilgail2]

You need to know yourself that you can really love someone else's child before you commit. There should never be a difference.

Someone I know recently married a man with 3 kids under 10- I can't tell you how many times I hear her saying how much she hates those kids. When its the kids weekend to visit she will intentionally make food that she knows the kids don't like- I feel so badly for those boys and would like to kick the guy in the butt for allowing his wife to to this!

 

[Social Worker Sue]

Someone I know recently married a man with 3 kids under 10- I can't tell you how many times I hear her saying how much she hates those kids. When its the kids weekend to visit she will intentionally make food that she knows the kids don't like- I feel so badly for those boys and would like to kick the guy in the butt for allowing his wife to to this!

That just gave me a chill. What an evil woman.

 

[Buckalew11]

That just gave me a chill. What an evil woman.

Me too.

This thread breaks my heart. I know I have never felt the pain of divorce in my own life personally but I see the pain in my nieces and nephew. I've had one curled up in my lap like a small child (she is not), crying and saying she feels replaced. What kind of parent does that to their kid?! It sickens me and upsets me terribly. The thought of him having more babies turns my stomach.

He was a good dad...not a great dad, because he was emotional withdrawn, but a very hands on dad, a good guy, really. I never saw him get angry in 30+ years of knowing him--until "the girl" came into his life. His whole personality changed. Sometimes you do not know someone...

 

[Ress76]

You need to know yourself that you can really love someone else's child before you commit. There should never be a difference.

This, a million times. I am a step-mom, and I have told this to every friend I have had who has dated a parent. If you cannot love your step-children, don't bother.

 

[jodifla]

I agree...divorce is not good for children. And many (but not all!) of the would-be spouses showed their true colors while the couple was dating, but the other person was too wrapped up in the idea of marriage/family to truly consider the magnitude of the decision they were making. They wanted kids, so they got married to people who were not even marriage material, must less parent material.

And it's the children who suffer.

 

[ez]

I agree...divorce is not good for children. And many (but not all!) of the would-be spouses showed their true colors while the couple was dating, but the other person was too wrapped up in the idea of marriage/family to truly consider the magnitude of the decision they were making. They wanted kids, so they got married to people who were not even marriage material, must less parent material.

And it's the children who suffer.

I've read where they say who you marry is the biggest decision you will make in your life, and the most important one to get "right". I find myself agreeing with that more and more.

 

[CF'er]

I truly feel for those children who feel replaced or kicked to the curb.

I would like to ask PP about custody arrangements. If every other weekend isn't good for the kids how are you supposed to work this out if parents live in different school districts etc?
I am lucky that my ex and I have a pretty good relationship and the kids are free to come and go at each parents house. We live 5 min apart so school isn't an issue for us. I know that it should all be done "in the best interest of the kids" but sometimes that isn't always possible.

 

[Colleen27]

Step children almost always get slighted.

I wouldn't go quite that broad-brush with it. I know as many stepkids who are thankful their stepparent came into their lives as I know stepkids who resent their stepparent. I will say this, though - while a stepparent married to a custodial parent has a harder road as far as share of the parenting work/difficulties, s/he also seems to have a better shot at a good relationship with the stepkids. I think it is easier to resent the non-custodial parent's new spouse because the new spouse (and children, if there are any) become a scapegoat for every time the NCP disappoints the kids.

I agree with you there. Sometimes divorce is the best answer. Sometimes people change once they get married. But, for the most part, people know the person that they are marrying. Many times they hope and pray their spouse with "change" once children come along. That rarely happens

I think people should take the time to really know someone before they decide to bring a life into this world with that person. That is important.

Who we are and what we value in life isn't fixed, though. People naturally change over the passing years, and sometimes those changes (or lack thereof - my ex hasn't changed a bit in the time I've known him... he's pushing 40 and still acting like he's 21) are a "deal-breaker" within a marriage. Obviously I'm not talking about major problems, and I have seen some of that where a woman will think marriage/children will reform a cheater, abuser, or addict. But the normal process of changing priorities, interests, and personalities over time can just as easily destroy a marriage.

 

[brockash]

I wouldn't go quite that broad-brush with it. I know as many stepkids who are thankful their stepparent came into their lives as I know stepkids who resent their stepparent. I will say this, though - while a stepparent married to a custodial parent has a harder road as far as share of the parenting work/difficulties, s/he also seems to have a better shot at a good relationship with the stepkids. I think it is easier to resent the non-custodial parent's new spouse because the new spouse (and children, if there are any) become a scapegoat for every time the NCP disappoints the kids.



Who we are and what we value in life isn't fixed, though. People naturally change over the passing years, and sometimes those changes (or lack thereof - my ex hasn't changed a bit in the time I've known him... he's pushing 40 and still acting like he's 21) are a "deal-breaker" within a marriage. Obviously I'm not talking about major problems, and I have seen some of that where a woman will think marriage/children will reform a cheater, abuser, or addict. But the normal process of changing priorities, interests, and personalities over time can just as easily destroy a marriage.

I don't think it has to be only one or the other. I love my step-mom and am very grateful that she was and is in my life (I've learned a lot from her and my dad is happy), however that doesn't mean that I never felt abandoned, pushed to the side or like an outsider of "their family," especially as a kid/teen. Like I said, I think I had and have a great step-mom, however that doesn't take away from the choices they (step-mom, having an affair with a married man with 3 young children, dad) made which had negative consequences on my sisters and I.