Do I have a right to be jealous?...UPDATE

[Stepharoonie!]

I'll try to keep this as simple as possible.

I know jealously is a very taboo thing here on the boards...I know it's a sin to be jealous of other people, but I have a hard time dealing with it. I have no friends, I really don't....meaning I have no one to talk to in "real life" or hang out with. I struggle everyday with money. I'm not making much. For the past 2 months, I've barely made $200 a week. My bills are astronomical right now. Until Thursday, I had only $3.26 in my bank. Now there's only $100.

I thought as soon as the divorce would be over, I'd be estatic. Well, it seems I'm still getting screwed from HIM. They've apparently just moved into a house this week in Palm Coast. Her engagement ring is huge. I have suspicions there may be a new car, but I'm not 100% sure.

I got what I ultimately wanted from the divorce, which was my daughter...but I feel like they're trying to "one up me" on everything. They knew I couldn't keep paying my lawyer's bills in court, so we settled with what we have now.

I'm not jealous of THEM, I'm jealous of the fact that they seem to have quite a bit going for them. I bust my butt to try and make money, and I'm miserable. I can't even afford to buy a pair of sunglasses since mine broke the other day. I'm struggling with my daughter's daycare. I'm scared I won't be able to make rent this upcoming month.

Unfortunetly, jealously is very hard to deal with, and it really does wear on you. My bf is quite upset with me, quite annoyed. He's kinda put us on the back burner until I can get things straightened out in my head. He doesn't want to deal with me being so upset all of the time...but what can I do? I'm trying to do things (will not discuss them here) to make my life easier, but it's just not falling into place quick enough. I called him this morning and told him I loved him, and that when he came home this evening things will not be as they were last night, and he said it wasn't good enough.

Sigh. I don't know. This isn't a cry for money, but just advice. Why is it that the people who work the hardest in life have nothing, and the people who don't deserve it have it all?

I know, long post. Putting my flame suit on, getting ready to get reamed.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

No reaming here. I just wanted to say that if your BF is not willing to stand by you during this trying time then he is no man you really want to be with. Your divorce is finalized and you have Maddy. Now would be a great time for a clean fresh start.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

You should not be jealous of HIM!

You take one look at that precious girl you have with you right now, and KNOW he should be jealous of you!

Money is an object. Yes, having mor eof it can make our lives more comfortable. Can it make us more happy? I don't know. I think sometimes it can, and then I look at the super-rich, and how sad their lives seem sometimes, and I wonder.

Sure I would like enough money that I don't have to "worry" about paying the bills. But, if I had gone through what you just went through (and I haven't read up on your past posts, so I don't know the story behind how you lost Maddy to begin with, but I know you didn't have her, and now you do) money would be the last thing on my mind. You have your little girl! Relish that fact. You have ONE UP on him! Your daughter.


Don't waste another minute being jealous! Find your way back to BF, and become a family. That is what it is all about!

 

[mudnuri]

No reaming here. I just wanted to say that if your BF is not willing to stand by you during this trying time then he is no man you really want to be with. Your divorce is finalized and you have Maddy. Now would be a great time for a clean fresh start.

I TOTALLY AGREE!!! Your BF should WANT to be with you in this time of need. your upset- he should comfort you, not put you on the back burner.

Good luck

Brandy

 

[cheyita]

Jealousy is a very natural feeling, and I don't blame you at all. The only advice I can offer is to keep working hard, and when you least expect it, the right door will open for you and will ease your burden a bit.

 

[Alice28]

I'm sorry Steph....money troubles suck. I will keep you in good thoughts that something will turn around for you----and try not to think about your ex and the things he has----obviously those things don't make him into a good person. I wish I could give you some advice. I don't know if you want to hear this, but I ran a daycare for 8 years, and if you haven't already, I'm sure you could qualify for state assistance paying for the daycare. I'm not talking welfare, but I know Oregon has a program where you talk with a county case worker and show your income, and then depending on your income you pay a sliding scale of the daycare fees (some moms paid only $10 a month, some nothing, some $25). This is to help you out, keep your child in daycare so you can keep working. I would look into it---best of luck.

 

[Big V]

Things will get better for you Stephanie. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[mickey65]

One day a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the
country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be.

They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"Very good Dad!" "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.


"Yes!"

"And what did you learn?"

The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon." When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.

His son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"

Author Unknown


I hope you begin to treasure what you do have and realize that riches are not in material possessions, but in what can not be bought.

 

[tc]

Steph, you have no idea if you ex his in hawk up to his eyeballs or not. A lot of people live that way, and you choose not to. Try to count your blessings. I know that sounds old fashioned, but try it. Try to look at what you have, Maddie, your divorce is final, you're working at Disney, you have a guy in your life who loves you (although I am a little concerned about his attitude, but I don't know either of you well enough to form an opinion here), heck, you live in Florida and survived the hurricanes.

Let your ex have his fun, but know that you're better off w/o him, no matter how much "stuff" he may seem to have. Live, love and laugh, and let him wallow in debt (we can assume, can't we ) until he has to declare bankruptcy!!!

I work for a divorce attorney, and see this so much. One spouse lives high on the hog, while the other one scrimps and saves to make ends meet. Usually, one is in debt and one is not. Usually, one is miserable, and one is happier (deep down). Usually, one can't let go and one moves on. Be the one that moves on, and make a great life for you and Maddie.

 

[HollyJoy]

I think what you are feeling is normal. You want all the things that your ex and his new woman have.... everyone wants to be settled and feel secure. You are having a rough time of it right now, and looking around at others, you see what you don't have. These are feelings that you have to work through,a nd I agree that your boyfriend needs to support you instead of gettng upset with you. HOwever, on the flip side, I will tell you that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sure, they may have a new house, and possibly a new car, but I'm sure that they have their struggles as well. I have a friend that I felt envious of for a long time... she has a nice big house, beautifully decorated, has enough money to buy what she wants, a great job, etc... I felt she had it all. Over this past summer, she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer... ya know, all those material things just don't matter. Hang in there and know that you won't live the rest of your life this way. You do have the most important thing of all... your daughter.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

It's normal to feel like that Steph, but you have a lot more in that little girl of yours than he could ever have with all the money in the world.

 

[DawnCt1]

I know you will get through this. This is a bump in the road right now. I agree with those who said that perhaps your bf isn't the one you need right now. He doesn't seem very supportive given all that you are dealing with. I have heard it said that sometimes it is best to be completely single for a year following a divorce. You don't have romantic feelings for your x but life was probably somewhat easier without the financial woes. I think you need some time to be with just you and your daughter and to focus on your new single life...for now.

 

[dvcfamily41801]

I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Personally, *I* think there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. You have had a real tough time, and have every right to feel frustrated. I wish for you that your BF could be a little more supportive for you right now, but everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I know that when I don't know how to help with a situation, I sometimes tend to back off a bit, maybe that is the case? I sure hope so.

Anyway, know that we are here for you,

 

[Christine]

Stephanie,

A lot of people use the word "jealousy" very loosely and incorrectly. The situation you described (and I've read many of your troubles here) and your reaction to it is not what I would define as jealousy. I think of jealousy as having an obsessive need to have something others have to the point that it makes you bitter. This is not the case here. These people screwed with your life, treated you like dirt, messed with your child, pretty much bankrupted you and they seem to be rubbing your nose in it now. I think ANYONE would rightfully feel the way you do...and you do deserve to feel that way. You are going to be bitter for a very long time. The best advice I can give you is to really try not to let it rule. Try your best to forget them, be disinterested in them, don't even find out anything about them. One day you will get past it.

But your feelings are very normal. I have often felt that in my life, I have often been on the short end of the stick (in health, jobs, etc.) even though I've done "all the right things". And yet, some of my best friends never have anything bad happen to them, prosper well. Of course, I do not wish them any ill will, but sometimes I do get angry and resentful. It is a terrible thing when you grow up and realize that life really isn't fair. But don't beat yourself up over it. Get angry and then get past them. They are not worth it and also remember that looks are very deceiving.

 

[battricia]

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. Don't worry about being jealous, it happens to all of us sometimes! I'm sorry your boyfriend is being so unsupportive right now. I'm sure things will turn around soon, for you. With the upcoming holiday season, would it be possible to get some extra hours at your job, to pick up some more money? Just a suggestion, I know how hard it is to have money troubles.

tricia.

 

[missyc]

Originally posted by Alice28
I'm sorry Steph....money troubles suck. I will keep you in good thoughts that something will turn around for you----and try not to think about your ex and the things he has----obviously those things don't make him into a good person. I wish I could give you some advice. I don't know if you want to hear this, but I ran a daycare for 8 years, and if you haven't already, I'm sure you could qualify for state assistance paying for the daycare. I'm not talking welfare, but I know Oregon has a program where you talk with a county case worker and show your income, and then depending on your income you pay a sliding scale of the daycare fees (some moms paid only $10 a month, some nothing, some $25). This is to help you out, keep your child in daycare so you can keep working. I would look into it---best of luck.

FL does offer this program too. I've both used it for my kids and also been paid by them while watching someone elses child that was in the program.
Divorce, custody battles, and $$ problems are hard on anyone who goes through it. Tell your BF to grow up and be a man. This is his time to support you. Just because the divorce is final doesn't mean everything just automatically gets better over night. You don't need the added pressure of trying to please HIM. Let him take care of YOU!!
Hope things get better for you soon.

 

[Octoberbeauty]

You are making positive changes in your life that you should be proud of. Think about where you're going and see the good in all that you've accomplished. I know it's hard when they have so much so fast, but try, okay?

My bigger concern is that this isn't the first time you've spoken of your bf not being supportive and yet, you want to get engaged to him? I don't understand that. You've just been through hell and I really wish you would spend some time on yourself and your daughter before jumping back into such a serious relationship with another man. That's JMHO, so take it for what it's worth. I just don't want you to end up right back to where you started because you're lonely. And I understand lonely!!

Hugs,

 

[Tiggeroo]

so sorry steph. I have been where you are. And it stopped me from fixing my problems. You really need to get some help, some practical help. Start with going to the social services office. Get anything you are qualified for, rental assistance - try to get on lists for subsidized housing, food stamps, day car help, utility assistance, anything and everything. Do not be embarassed about it, think of it as for your dd. Once you do that and can get yourself sort of stable the cloud will lift a little. Then you can start looking at your options. Long term you need to go back to school, even if it's online or at night or whatever so you can get a much better paying job. I don't know about you, but I know I feel better when I have a plan and something down the road to look forward to. Even if things are horrible if I know that in 3 years I will be finished school and be making 3x my current income and will be able to buy my own home then I can deal with things no matter how bad.
And the bf, he's no help. All he's doing is draining your energy. You know he should be there for you now. That's why its upsetting you so much.

 

[rascalmom]

Stephanie,

You say you have no friends - but it sounds like you certainly need them right now. Just being around other people can help so much when you are feeling sad. Of course your DIS friends are always here, but I think it is time for you to get out and do something for yourself. Maddie is at daycare - are there any other single mom's who might want to take the kids to the park together. It doesn't hurt to ask - someone else may be feeling lonely and be in need of a support system too.

Do you have a church?

How about a book group?

Nurture an acquaintance at work into a friendship. Invite someone over for a movie night at home - it doesn't have to cost anything. Your in a new stage of your life-count the blessings you have & plant the seeds for more. All we really have in life is the love of family and friends & the love we give to them.

Smile - the more you do it, the more you believe it.

 

[gshoemate]

Hey Steph, sent you a PM.