I left my ex-husband when I was 2 weeks pregnant. Without going into a lot of the detail, let's just say the situation was such that I could not stay with him much as less raise a child in that environment. Took two years to get my divorce. Child support and visitation were set up. He got every other weekend, every other Monday night, and two weeks out of the year. Two years into our agreement, he calls me and says he wants Pete to live with him one week and me the next. He said his sister had the same setup and it worked great for her. My son was 4 at the time. I told him that I didn't that that was a good idea. That if he wanted more time with him, that I would try accomodate him, but that I really didn't want to disrupt Pete's schedule. He let is "slip" that this would save him child support. I asked him if that was the real reason he wanted to change. He said, well, it's a bonus. I told him if it was a money issue, than he needed to petition the courts for a deduction. I did not ask for a certain dollar amount, I actually agreed to less, but the judge had overruled that amount and increased it. I also reminded him that he had two weeks extra visition a year that he had never used a single day of, and suggested he start there and then see if he wanted more time. He blew up, called me all kinds of names, said I was stupid and crazy so I just calmly told him that I was not going to talk to him if he was going to be abusive, said goodbye, and hung up.
Over the next two weeks he was very polite to me. I knew something was up. Sure enough, Pete and I come home from school one day and there is a sheriff's deputy sitting in my driveway. He served me with papers from my ex saying that I was mentally unstable and that it was dangerous for Pete to live with me. He was going for full custody!
Of course, I was beside myself with fear and anger. I had done nothing and Pete was my whole world. I had not been on a single date, no social life other than my friends. I was truly dedicated mom who sacrified everything for my son. He was number one.
I called my attorney that night and he just laughed. He said that I had nothing to worry about. This was a scare tactic on my ex's part and that we would file a countersuit. He said that visitation was already set and agreed upon and that the only way a court would change that is if there was a change in the home environment that would affect Pete, i.e. drugs, alcohol, etc. He said, do not worry about some stupid paperwork. He said that he could go file a motion tomorrow at the courthouse saying he was an astronaut, it didn't mean anything. He told me to remain calm and most importantly, not to lose my cool. That was easier said than done. God help me, but I wanted to deck my ex.
In the meanwhile, I continued to be polite and not discuss it with my ex. It was the hardest thing I ever went through and I get teary eyed now just thinking about it. Having to hide my pain and fear from my son and keep my chin up during the darkest time of my life.
A month later we were ordered to mediation. At that time, his attorney stated that my ex only wanted every other week. My attorney exploded during mediation and said, "what? so she is only crazy every other week?" Basically, my attorney said, screw you, were are not changing any visitation and not only that, we are taking you back to court for more child support. My ex exploded too, and said that my attorney was crazy. A lot of yelling going on between them, I just sat there quietly. I was numb to the bone with sadness and pain. What did I do to deserve this?
My ex called me that night and said, how can you do this to me?
I said, look, you started this, not me. Talk to my attorney.
Over the next few weeks, my attorney called my friends, Pete's teachers, doctor, etc. and got depositions on what a wonderful child he was and what a good parent I had been. It was very humilating to have to drag everyone into my personal business.
Well, needless to say, my ex dropped his case 1 day before the deadline to set up a hearing and he apologized profusely. He said he had to make those accusations in order to get before the judge. He said, look, I know you are a good parent, I just was trying to get him more and needed to make up a reason to get before the judge. No hard feelings, right?
I said, that all depends on whether you are going to pay my attorney fees, $ 1,750.00. How can you do this to me? he groaned. Never mind what HE had put ME through. He told me the case was dropped so I couldn't do anything. I said that HIS portion had been dropped, but not mine. No more Mr. Nice Guy from him, all of a sudden I was crazy again. I stood my ground, and calmly told him, if you do pay me attorney's fees, then we go to court for more child support. You have two weeks.
He did reimburse me for my fees, I dropped my motion, and nothing was ever said about it again BUT it is always in the back of my mind and I can never trust him again.
Flash ahead to now. I continue to be flexible with my schedule to accomodate him. I have never once denied him extra visitation when he requests it, even if it inconvienences me because I keep Pete's best interest in mind. My ex now has a live in GF and he weasels out of visitation a lot. Picks him up late, drops him off early, cancels his Monday visitation, so much for the dad that wanted "more time with his son". It's very sad.
Now that Pete is 7, his dad has 4 weeks extra out of the year per our divorce agreement, but again, he has never used a single day of it.
Things have gotten worse too. It is to the point now that Pete does not want to go over to his dads. I get tired of having to have a "Pep Rally" to get him excited about going to his dads house. He cries now when his dad shows up. He said his dad does not spend anytime with him, just parks him in front of the TV while he hangs out with his GF. I tried to talk to his dad about this and told him that I was staying out of it, THEY needed to work it out between them. Finally, Pete lost it and told him how he felt. It was very sad and hurt his dad, but things have seemed to have improved. Only time will tell.
I look back now and know that I did the right thing. He cannot handle what he has now, much as less, every other week. It would have been a disaster for Pete. I still toss and turn at night, wondering if and when this will happen again. I feel better knowing that I did not drop the issue. He learned a very expensive lesson and I hope he thinks about that before he ever tries to do something like that again.
I have tried to put this mess behind me and dedicate some time to myself, to be other than just "Pete's Mom". I think that is very important to not lose yourself. I met a wonderful man about a year and a half ago who has custody of his 7 year old son. We met through school because the kids are best friends. My ex and his ex refuse to switch weekends, so one of us always have the boys, but we still manage to make time for one another. I would encourage you to develop some outside interests just to keep yourself sane.
Good luck to you! I know it is hard. Please keep us posted.
Michelle I do understand where you are coming from. He broke up your family once by cheating on you and then leaving you for her and now that they playing house as a cozy little family he wants to break up your family again by taking the kids a longer period of time. 
: Goodvibes for the future
For venting, we're here!
For future big grins where you least expect them
For support that you are doing the right thing
for a Disney vacation to plan
for magic to do it on a budget!
