Divorced w/ kids = one week at each parents house *LONG*

[The Mystery Machine]

I can only look at from my husbands point of view and he would have given his eye teeth to have had more time with his dad. He will carry that burden to his grave.

I think it is worth giving it a chance. Now would be a good time as they are finishing up school, or you could do a trial period when they are off for the summer.

Sounds very rough...{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[MICKEY88]

chances are, if you push him to go the court route he hasa good chance of getting the split custody and you spend a fortune in attorneys fees...

again I think you need to put yourself in his shoes...would you be happy if custody were reversed,, or would you prefer the equal split he is asking for...

there is another option no one has mentioned you have primary custody of your daughter and he could have primary custody of your son, alternating weeks or with the current set up.....you get your son thursdays and every othr weekend..that way you aren't alone and can spend quality one on one time with each child...

I think any expert or good book will tell you that your son is approaching the age where spending time with his father is very important,,

 

[lsyorke]

Speaking as a stepparent I feel the kids need to be involved with this decision. My stepkids were 5 and 10 when DH divorced. Luckily we lived 5 blocks from his first wife. Visitation was never really set by the courts. DH, his ex, his ex's DH and me sat down and decided to keep it very loose since both houses were in the same school district. One hard and fast rule was if your fighting with one parent you don't leave that house until the fight is settled(this came into play in the "teenage"years). Sometimes the kids spent weeks at their moms, other weeks they bounce back and forth. Their comfort level increased as my DH and his ex put aside the hostility.

We are one of the fortunate families that this arrangement worked out well. The kids had clothes and rooms in each house. Over the years we have all become really good friends. the kids are now 26 and 32 married and emotional healthy!!

Don't use your kids to cure your loneliness!! Take the free time to find something you enjoy and go do it!!!

I think the statement that let us know we did the right thing was when my stepdaughter was doing the seating chart for her wedding. "The only table that I don't have a problem with is the one with my parents and stepparents". She was walked down the aisle by her father. Her mom and I were escorted by her stepfather.

Good Luck!

 

[TEENEE]

My ex tried to get the same arrangement when we were going through our divorce. There was no way I would agree to that. Fortunately our mediator saw it my way. In her opinion changing houses every week was too disruptive. My ex has a really bad habit of talking to the kids about things before he talks to me. Naturally, he talked to the kids about his grand idea first. When I talked to my son about it I explained the situation to him, because his dad never gives all the details when he has these brilliant ideas, he didn't like the idea at all. My ex picks the kids up Mon and Thurs from 4-7:30 and had them for 3 consecutive weekends and I get them for 2 weekends. Not the greatest arrangement in my opnion but the best that I could get him to agree to.

My ex has a girlfriend with two kids. Her kids do the one week with dad on week with mom split. I didn't know her kids before her divorce so I have no idea how they behaved prior to her divorce. I do know that those kids are out of control now. I think the gf was happy with the arrangements in the beginning but now she tells me she wants to take her ex back to court because the arrangement is not working.

Now that your ex has opened this can of worms I would sit down with your kids and explain everything to them. Make sure they understand that if this does happen that it won't be fun and games at dads house everyday like it is on the weekends. I feel for you because I know what it's like to have the ex get the kids excited about something that you don't agree with. Hang in there, try to keep calm when you do talk to the ex and the kids. Good luck.

 

[mcnuss]

I would just simply tell him the arrangement you have now works very well and you would like to keep it that way.

I think taking a hard line approach like this will land the OP in court, and she will likely lose. The standard is "best interest of the child". Some of you seem to be forgetting that. The OP would have to show that it is *not* in the children's best interest to spend more time with their father. From what she has said thus far, she could not prove that. All she can prove is that she doesn't want it. That won't cut it.

If those kids want more time with their dad, and he is a good parent, why would any of you deny them that? And how many among you could say that you've never mentioned an idea to your kids w.o consulting the other parent first (whether you're divorced or not)? Again, I say it was not the bestway to approach this but doesn't he have the right to speak freely to his children? If the kids had said no, he might have dropped the idea right there. When they said yes, he pursued it. It does not sound like he promised anything, which of course would have been completely wrong, but floating the idea is not that awful people.

 

[floridafam]

If you do try this arrangement then I would sit down as a group and set rules that will have to be followed in both houses. Your kids will respect that if they see both of you agreeing on it.

You can always give it a try and see what the outcome is for the kids. If it is not good, then you can go back to what you are doing now.

Good luck.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Is she a live-in? How long has the living arrangment been in place? In other words what I'm asking is - is this a stable family situation? What happens if she and X break up? What happens if they marry? Will SHE agree to co-parent your children in a way that you and X can also agree to? Will X be as interested in half time parenting if he doesn't have the gf?

Does this potential change alter your finances in a huge way and if so does that add to your worries? Is your fear of being alone or having someone else become the "other mom" to your kids a big concern? It's very hard to be objective when you feel threatened and lonely, believe me I know (been there, done that.)

Because in the end the best thing for everyone is what's best for your children. I agree they need to be involved in the decision making process but I'm appalled that X asked them before discussing it with you. I think its time for a professional. Find a specialist in kids counseling, perhaps someone with some mediation skills as well. The kids can't tell their dad their concerns if they have any and if you tell them too many of yours they'll think you're "downing" daddy. An unbiased professional can help you work this out in the real best interest of the kids.


Good luck. I know this is painful and scary.

Mary Alice

 

[DisneyJules]

I DEFINITELY wanted to post to this. I am the product of a divorce. For the last 12 years I've gone back and forth. It has caused so much chaos in my life. Growing up, going back and forth felt very unstable, there was no structure to it. I ended up developing OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) because it helped me to cope with the lack of structure I was feeling. I know there's no easy solution and it's a tough call to make. On one hand I would have hated not being able to see my dad every second week and spend as much time with him as I do with my mom becuase he's a great guy. On the other hand, growing up being shuffled from one house to another was very unstable, unstructured and left me feeling very much unsafe. My parents didn't really look into how this would affect us while they went on living their lives living in one stable home. And remember, kids don't always open up and express how they feel about the situation because they're too concerned over keeping mommy and daddy happy. Your kid's happiness is your main concern right now. It's certainly valid for you to feel the way you do but you must do everything in your power to know those kids feel stable and at ease in their environment. Everything your going through is exactly what my mom went through. Just remember that when you're going through those moments, to talk, vent and discuss with other adults instead of going through the children like my mom did unfortunately And as a word of caution, (and please, I'm by no way saying you have) never bad mouth their father infront of them, it's one things to say it to a family member or to your girlfriends when you're upset but to the kids, that's their dad, not their ex-husband. I just wanted to mention these things because having gone through all that for many, many years, I completely understand. And I know it's tough sometimes to know what the kids are going through because they don't always open up, I sure didn't. I hope everything works out ok for you and your children.

 

[Lisa F]

First of all, I think you should realize that this isn't really about you. I don't mean that to sound mean, on the contrary, I don't think that the fact that he wants to spend more time with his kids means that he doesn't think YOU are doing a good job with them. Don't take this as a personal attack on you as a parent, it sounds more like he envies you than him thinking you are a bad mom. You're a great mom and have inspired him to want to be move involved and not just the "fun parent."

Second, I don't believe that just because you sign an agreement however many years ago that circumstances can't change. As it has been pointed out, the needs of a toddler are different than the needs of older children and this might be a better situation for right now. You said they would have their own rooms, was that always the case? If he is just now feeling like he is materially prepared to care for his kids in the "every day" stuff, I can see why his feelings might have changed.

I don't know how well it would work out, but I agree that trying it out on a trial basis might be the best approach. As far as having two sets of rules go, perhaps you can get together with your ex and hash out basic rules so there IS consistency. Bedtimes, amount of time allowed on the phone/watching tv, whatever, doesn't need to be different between the two homes. There's no reason this situation has to be a free for all with your kids living completely different lives at the different houses.

It sounds like you are REALLY struggling with the fact that you know in your heart that what might be best for your kids is not what you want. You want your kids home with you. You want to tuck them in at night. You are afraid your DD will start sharing some of the closeness that she has with you with her stepmom. You don't want to share. These feelings are absolutely normal and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. Divorce is never an easy situation, even when both parties are fairly agreeable.

As hard as it is (and my heart IS breaking for you) I think you might need to put aside what you want and let them spend more time with their dad. I don't think he should've talked to them about it before he spoke to you, but now that it's done you should do damage control. Sit down with him and hash this out. There is NO REASON for you to have to be the bad guy, any decision that you two come to, you should reach together and approach the kids with it and tell them that you have decided this together for the following reasons. Maybe what you come to won't be the alternating week thing but instead you will figure out a way to increase the time he spends with the kids.

Hope everything works out for you.

 

[MICKEY88]

I disagree with the kids being involved in the decision..it's an adult decision, best left to open minded fair adults...

the moment you involve them you open up a new can of worms...dad telling them his side...mom tellling her side...and the kids are torn because they don't want to hurt either parent..

they aren't suppose to make adult decisions, they are supposed to be loved nurtured and made to feel secure....they need to know that they have adults that can make healthy decisions for them

again speaking from my experience,,I never fought for full custody because I didn't want to hurt my daughter,,I thought she prefered living with her mother..

I found out years later that she wanted to live with her mother for one reason..she feared that if she chose me, her mother would disown her, but she knew that I would accept her decision and be there for her no matter what..., so her decision was simple..there was only one sure fire way to keep both parents....


as far as posts about the weekly split resulting in kids out of control...that can and does happen with any type of custody aggreement..again it comes down to them feeling secure, and having rules to follow...

the parents should make up a set of rules to be followed in both houses,,put the rules in writing and keep them posted somewhere that the kids can see them on a daily basis as a reminder that the rules are the same no matter where they are...
and of course the parents must stick to the rules....

 

[DisneyJules]

Originally posted by MICKEY88

the parents should make up a set of rules to be followed in both houses,,put the rules in writing and keep them posted somewhere that the kids can see them on a daily basis as a reminder that the rules are the same no matter where they are...
and of course the parents must stick to the rules....

I couldn't agree more. Even though my childhood lacked structure and was completely unstable, my parents always kept the same rules and same parenting styles. Even at times when my dad didn't always agree with my mom or vice versa.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

Based on my observations and experiences, You will more than likely have to go to court to change your child support agreement, if nothing else. In Maine, child support orders cannot be changed any other way than going through court, because it is a court order. Even having both parents sign an secondary agreement for changes won't do--it HAS to be approved by a court. If it isn't, your ex will be legally responsible for all the payments he didn't make, whatever changes are made in the custody arrangement.

Another poster said that if you split equal time, there is no child support. From what I've seen and heard, this is incorrect, at least in the state of Maine. Child Support is dictated by statute, and is based not only on custody arrangement, but also issues such as the standard of living the children are accustomed to as well as the differences in income for either parent. Whether or not the children are staying with you, you still need to maintain the household where they stay when they ARE with you. Your mortgage, utilities, etc don't change just because they physically aren't there.

Please keep in mind that I am NOT a lawyer, and this is not legal advice--you will need to at least talk to a lawyer to find out legally what you will need to do, if you and your family decide to follow this route.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by BedKnobbery2

Another poster said that if you split equal time, there is no child support. From what I've seen and heard, this is incorrect, at least in the state of Maine. Child Support is dictated by statute, and is based not only on custody arrangement, but also issues such as the standard of living the children are accustomed to as well as the differences in income for either parent. Whether or not the children are staying with you, you still need to maintain the household where they stay when they ARE with you. Your mortgage, utilities, etc don't change just because they physically aren't there.

using this arguement for support, would mean he also has to maintain his house for when they are with him...

support would still be involved, but most likely lower, since the mothers expenses would be lower,, she doesn't need to feed 2 children when they aren't with her...

I've heard of cases where both parents put money into a joint bank account, all expenses,,clothing etc. are paid out of this account..recipts must be kept, so no one can spend the money on anything but the kids...

 

[CRB#33]

I have been exactly where you are. Children at this school age need a solid home base which is why the courts set a primary residence with the other parent having visitation rights.

This is nothing put selfishness on your ex's part and he is not thinking in the best interest of the kids.

If you're up to it, try it in the summer time when their school routine will not be interrupted.

I wish you the best and remember that all he has to do is talk to his lawyer and the lawyer will tell him not even to bother trying.

 

[bigsis1970]

As I sit here at my desk bitting my lip to keep from crying at the advise .. I know you are all right - he is a good dad and shouldn't be penalized for that - he does love spending time with the kids and of course they love the time with him - and its about how I feell and not exactly maybe what is best .. I dont' want to be alone . the girlfriend has been there from the beginning - he left me for her - over 5 years ago . so its stable . they just built a bigger house so that all kids could have their own rooms . yes it will affect my lifestyle - I will have exctaly 19 to my name at the end of each month to pay for groceries, oil for the house , and car insurance if he cuts his child support in half if its gone compeltly then I will be negitave over $300 . not to mention I won't be able to my half of their sports activities with out getting a second job . I make consideralby less then him. I could never make it on one income - and trust me I don't spend any extra unless its birthday's , school shopping or christmas as even as of right now there is hardly any extra . If this does go through they are both going to see the counselers at school about this as I figure there will be issues of some sort .. I would love to hear more .. This at least makes me feel like I am not the only one to have to have gone through this .. Thanks again.. Michellel

 

[BedKnobbery2]

Mickey, you are correct that he also has to maintain his household, which is why discrepencies in income are taken into account. *Generally* speaking, men earn a higher income than women and if a parent stayed home with the children at some point in the marriage (therefore not being able to further their career, and therefore increase his or her income equally along with the working spouse) that, too, is taken into account. Again, *generally* speaking, that is usually the mom, although in more recent times, it can also have been the father. If the mom was the working spouse, and/or earns a higher income than the dad, then she will have to pay support (dads having to pay support is not automatic thing, just a common situational one.)


And it is likely that the support would be lower, but not iron-clad. Maine has very strict ways of calculating support, and it has charts and such that courts must adhere to when deciding support orders.

 

[tkd lisa]

I'm the one that brought up the child support relative to joint custody. In the case I'm thinking of, both parents were professionals and made in the same ballpark financially. It probably doesn't apply given what bigsis wrote later.

I think child support laws vary quite a bit, state to state. Bigsis, I do send out heartfelt wishes that this does work out. I know it must be very hard to go through this. It sounds like you're worried about what's right for your kids, and of course, if Mom can't make ends meet, that's not good for them! You might see if there's any help available to you at low or no cost to work through the legal and financial aspects of this situation.

Good luck. Lisa

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by CRB#33
I have been exactly where you are. Children at this school age need a solid home base which is why the courts set a primary residence with the other parent having visitation rights.



This is nothing put selfishness on your ex's part and he is not thinking in the best interest of the kids.

If you're up to it, try it in the summer time when their school routine will not be interrupted.

I wish you the best and remember that all he has to do is talk to his lawyer and the lawyer will tell him not even to bother trying.

the courts set a primary residence based on years of doing it this way..recent studies show that equal custody is best for the children, but it depends on how the parents handle it


why is it selfish when a father wants to spend time with his children/ but not selfish if a mother doesn't want to give that time because of not wanting to be alone...

 

[BedKnobbery2]

First of all--Michelle, in case you don't check them regularly, I wanted to let you know I've sent you a PM.

Lisa, you are correct in that support laws vary greatly state-to-state. And man, you don't even want to begin to try to figure it out when the parents live in different states. Oy! Since I live in Maine and Michelle appears to as well, I thought I'd give her a heads-up regarding the situation here.

 

[MICKEY88]

no matter what you decide in this matter, prepare yourself for another possible event, if your son is close to his father ..at some point he may very well want to live with his father...once he reaches a certain age..at least here in PA....if they go to court..the judge will talk to your son . and if he believes that your son truely wants to be with his Dad, the dad will get custody